What Would You Do In This Situation

I would certainly tell her family. Mam used to have someone go to her house and they did end up taking an ornament which she said mam had given her. On questioning mam she said that she didn’t and I got it back. You never know.

Could be that if your neighbour is decluttering the cleaner is taking donations to a local charity and the bags you saw are not for the cleaner. But I admit it would make me feel uncomfortable. Also if your neighbour was so tired that she fell asleep wearing her coat on top of the bed during the day, unable to be roused by the noise you were making trying to get her attention, I think the son needs to get his mum’s health checked out pronto.
Don’t know what I would do in this situation. Is very tricky.

I haven't said anything to the son yet but the cleaner came to my neighbour a couple of days ago. I could hear the rustle of bags outside my kitchen window which is next to her front door. I peeped outside and there were 2 bin bags full of clothes and things with a book on the top of one of them. It does seem odd but another thing occurred to me. She cleans for the couple of the other side of me and on several occasions I've noticed a bag outside their front door with things in. It's all very strange to me. I don't know whether to mention it to the son yet or see what happens next time she comes.

I've always been rather naive regarding people stealing things, and had always given people the benefit of the doubt, that was until my mother in law had her wedding and engagement rings stolen (she had them taped to her finger as she'd lost weight and the rings were too big for her). She was in bed in a care home and her death was imminent. The day before she died, the rings were still on her finger, the day she died, they weren't. The supervisor looked to see if they had been put in the office safe - but they hadn't. Obviously one of the staff had stolen them. The supervisor said it would be very hard to investigate, as they had so many staff who worked 'on the bank' and maybe only worked 1 day, before moving on and they would never see them again. My husband didn't want the police involved as he had enough to worry about regarding organising the funeral and contacting all his relatives. I think he should have reported it, but he was adamant that it didn't matter. I presume this kind of thing must go on, but I just can't believe someone could be so callous. Since then, sadly, I've come to realise, I shouldn't be so very trusting.

I worked as a relief PA to disabled people for 2 years, self employed. I found every single client had been robbed by carers or cleaners. This includes my DILs late grandmother who lost multiple items during her last terminal illness. Items taken included sheets, duvet covers, joints of frozen meat, coffee, dishwasher tablets, jewellry, money, cashback at shops and petrol stations, wine and spirits, clothing, cameras, binoculars, ornaments, perfumes, boxes of biscuits etc. One lady had all her washing stolen by the carer who washed and dried it. Most people didn't even bother to report it as they were desperate for a PA.
I would not have a carer or cleaner without setting hidden cameras in every room.

Can't see anything sinister. If I'm going to get rid of anything I often ask my cleaner if she wants it.

Such a difficult situation. After my father died we asked the care agency if we could give his 2 carers a cheque each. They were fine but said please do not contact the 3rd carer who luckily has only helped Dad on less than 5 occasions.
I liked his 2 regular carers very much and they had helped my mum as well until she died 6 months before Dad. The 3rd carer I did not like at all. I asked the care agency would there have been a problem with the care of my Dad and his possessions and they said probably not. But obviously they had a problem with her.
I lived at a distance and only could get there at the weekend. This was all 30 years ago this summer. Seems like yesterday.

I just thought I'd update you all. I have now spoken to her son and he has asked me to keep hold of the key and given me his number. I haven't mentioned anything about the cleaner. He had no idea about the events of Thursday but was grateful to know.

If the cleaner was up to no good, why would she voluntarily disclose this information to you?

I agree

If you are thinking that the maid is taking things she has not been given - well, then, you have key too, so if something goes missing, the family could assume that you took it, not the helper

Unfortunately we had this with my Mum. Not the cleaner but one of her carer team. They were 'helping' Mum clear things out, but a lot of decent stuff promised to family was 'cleared out' and given to the carer. Mum was very vulnerable towards the end and concerned about staying on the right side of the carers. We lived a long way from her and couldnt be there day to day. When we found out we had a word with the carer and it stopped, but I wish someone had given us a heads up earlier.

I was a daily carer for an elderly lady. Whenever she gave me anything I always phoned her daughter to check it was OK to take. Often I would pass things on to the Girl Guides, with the lady's approval, as they were useful to them.

I wouldn’t worry about having the key - isn’t this a fairly normal thing for long-standing neighbours to do for each other? But I do think a key safe is a good idea. Of course, your neighbour would probably give the code to her cleaner….. which means that she could come and go as she pleased, if she really was a dishonest person.
She might just have been taking the opportunity to let you know that if she left Mary’s flat carrying something, that it would be with Mary’s permission.
I wonder if she normally has any opportunity to talk to you? I can see that it sounds a bit odd, but it didn’t seem that you should read too much into it.
I would honestly be a bit more worried about Mary being so tired, and so fast asleep that she couldn’t be aroused in the middle of the day.

I think Ambergran has the right idea

I would definitely keep the key. You say you get on well with Mary, it’s clear that the cleaner doesn’t actually have one and you must be known to be trustworthy.
It may make your neighbour feel safer and it’s helpful if she should ever accidentally lock herself out. If it should needed in the future, it’s nicer for your neighbour to wake up to find you rather than the police and much easier than calling a locksmith.
Maybe catch the relatives when Mary is there and get their contact details incase of another emergency and let them know you have a key for emergencies too.
You could also just mention in passing how good it is that Mary has got the cleaner to help her sort things out. I think, because the cleaner has been so open about things, that everything is legitimate and above board. If the cleaner had been pressuring Mary and taking advantage I doubt she would have mentioned it to you.

Why don't you just say to Mary you've heard she is having a clear out and hope she has told her family in case there is anything they may fancy. Play it very low-key saying it's amazing what would be regarded by family members as a 'little treasure' to them. Once you have opened the topic with Mary no harm in telling family. Probably all us well with the cleaner herself mentioning what Mary intends.

My mum eventually had a dementia diagnosis, and just before she went into a care home, her cleaner apparently asked if she could have certain items and mum told me about it and said she hadn't liked to say no, but there was one item she knew my dad had promised me ( it wasn't valuable, but was a piece of
glassware they had been given as a wedding present, of sentimental value), so she wasn't comfortable about giving it away. In the meantime, mum went into care, so I visited the cleaner and explained that she had something my mum hadn't wanted to give away, and I asked if she would exchange it for one of my mum's other items. She said she would go visit my mum in the home and return it to her, but she never did, and we never saw the item again. I am very sad about this and should have followed it up further, but with the upset about my mum's condition deteriorating and the related things going on, I never got around to this.

It is impossible to be sure.
Devils advocate..
The cleaner would want to know Mary is ok as she’s being paid by her not getting in means not getting paid.
The cleaner may have said this about the items given to her as a “test” of your reaction to see if you might do similar.
This happened in our family with a cleaner and it was not good news. I as a relative would want to know.
Suggest a key box for your neighbour for emergency access. They are in fact very handy especially if you lose your own key.

She trusts you with her key? You hear all sorts of things…..

butterandjam

Its for Mary to tell her relatives you hold a spare key and exchange the phone numbers,

It's Mary's business what she and her cleaner have agreed.
Certainly not yours.

The cleaner has shown good faith by going to some trouble to seek help and attention for Mary. The very opposite of greedy mean or dodgy behaviour.

She openly told you Mary gives her unwanteed stuff; not the action of someone secretly taking advantage to steal.

This is exactly my point of view too.

Nothing OP says suggest that Mary is not perfectly able to take care of herself,

In her place, I would bitterly resent it, if a neighbour told any of my relations something I, or the man who helps in my garden hat told them.

And if I were the cleaner, I would feel I was being accused of abusing my employer's trust.

Mary has given you a key, possibly told her family this. It is not your place to tell them, nor should you ask them for their phone number, why not simply ask Mary for it? You seem to have doubts about Mary’s ‘capacity’, do you have any reason for this?

I would engineer a social meeting with the lady. Invite her to tea, or make a visit yourself. You can then bring up the topic of sorting out your own possessions and giving them away and see what this lady says.

I was a cleaner for several elderly clients who used to say take it I don't want it which made me feel uneasy so I tried to speak to their families as much as I could and to make sure I had proof that the gift had been given and not just taken, usually they would say it's up to Mum or it's there business .

nanna8

The fact that she actually mentioned what happens to her stuff makes you think the cleaner is probably ok. It all depends what sort of things she means - if it is old books, craft or ornaments probably fine but if it is jewellery,maybe not.

I agree, if anything nefarious we’re going on the cleaner probably wouldn’t have mentioned anything.
The main issue might be is ‘Mary’ showing any signs of even mild dementia, as she may not realise what she’s giving away. I often give away things to my cleaner to take to a charity shop for me and tell her if she wants any of them or to sell on eBay please do. I’m in my right mind( I think!) and know what I give away…my sons would like me to declutter more!