Sons

When my mil was alive we would have her over nearly every Sunday. DH would ring her almost every other day. He was the perfect son - except it wasn’t him initiating this contact, it was me all of the time. Talking to friends it’s the same, it’s the women that make the arrangements and nag their husbands to call their mums.

But, this thread has made me reappraise the contact we have with our son. He calls us regularly and asks ridiculous questions, things that he can get the answers from Google for. I’ve realised it’s his way of staying in touch. We never contact him unless we have something specific to say or to invite him over. I will be making more effort to call him just to say hello.

I would comment that agreeing to ground rules early on would not be on the cards for some dil or sons for that matter.
What exactly are these ground rules? its good luck to have a good dil, I consider I do, but her mother came first. Never been pushy but glad of the times we have together. You could be the best mother out but no one knows what the future holds. The poster wanted an insight as to how people manage in her situation not to know how perfect someone else's son is its like rubbing salt in the wound a bit, assuming she is lacking in some way.,
To the poster i wouldn't make a big deal out of it but if you get the opportunity just have a quiet word with your son and say you would love to see him more. The answer will be we are just so busy, nothing is wrong I expect. I gave friends who hardly see their children because they live the other side of the world.

I am happy to say that I share the same lovely relationship with my younger son as Butterandjam does with her son. Over the years we happily cared for our dgc on a regular basis and since my dh died this year his family have taken me and made me part of theirs. My other son would do the same but they live 200 miles north, they care for me by keeping in touch by email and Whatsapp. My dh and I set mutual ground rules early with our son and daughter in law. Like Butterandjam I have watched my son grow into a wonderful father and husband and count my blessings daily.

Fae1

Jackets- same here. I'm 75, brought my son up on my own, and went without, indulging him far too much. Now he has two children of his own I would love to be a part of his family but see them for 2 to 3 days a year (just before Christmas) and that's it. Hardly any contact otherwise, while they spend a great deal of time throughout the year with his in-laws (as well as Christmas). Bitter...hurt....angry...disappointed are just a few of the words that describe how I feel.

I'm sorry you're in this position 💐

Fae 1.

I just think sometimes we forget how busy family life is when parents are at work and children are young. If they are able to spare time to see you that's lovely. And as life gets less hectic and the children grow older, hopefully if good relationships have been maintained with some understanding they will have more time to spare. I don't think making demands on a busy working family is helpful. But being kind and helpful where possible sows seeds for the future. Daughter in law relationships can be tricky too, but with kindness again, understanding can grow.
I remember how difficult it was for me when I was younger and working full time, with my in laws when they liked us to visit weekly or fortnightly. We became close later, and that's how I am trying to nurture my children now.

Jackets- same here. I'm 75, brought my son up on my own, and went without, indulging him far too much. Now he has two children of his own I would love to be a part of his family but see them for 2 to 3 days a year (just before Christmas) and that's it. Hardly any contact otherwise, while they spend a great deal of time throughout the year with his in-laws (as well as Christmas). Bitter...hurt....angry...disappointed are just a few of the words that describe how I feel.

We had 3 daughters, they are lovely, my brother had 4 sons they were a pain on the backside as kids and no better now in their 40s

triciaqanem

A sons a son till he has a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of your life. Never a more truer saying.

Can you hear me screaming?
I loathe this ridiculous saying.

I love my sons and try not to make it seen that I’m needy. But sometimes I feel that they’ve forgotten about my husband and me but I keep busy and treasure the times we have together.

That will have made the poster feel
a lot better! 🙁

I’ve four sons, three have wives, all four of them are different, I find that their wives tend to do the inviting and occasionally asking for babysitting help, more often I will offer if I know I’m free and their jobs overlap school hols. It can be a minefield I know.

We have one son who lives nearby and another further away; another is disabled. We appreciate that they are at the stage if their lives where they are working long hours and their weekends are busy catching up and relaxing. So if we invite them for lunch it's with that in mind, and I never expect them to bring anything. I'm just pleased to see them. I love that they're happy to chat when I ring, even if they don't always remember to ring me. I'm happy that they feel able to ring and ask me to babysit or collect the children from school.
When I had a cancer scare I didn't want to worry them, and was really touched to be scolded afterwards. They pointed out that they were adults and would have wanted to support me. We give and take in various ways and I'm happy with that.

How do you feel about the situation Slimswim ? Do you think if you raised the questions they would stop asking you to babysit in which case you would see less of your grandchildren.
Also if you stopped inviting them for a meal they would not visit.
It is annoying and you probably feel you’re being used but sometimes you have to weigh up what’s most important .

I afraid it’s a lot to do with DIL in my case. Mine is controlling and not a nice person. My son was a loving son who thought the world of us as we do him but she controls how much time he is free to visit us. We do all the babysitting & have them to diner an awful lot, her mum won’t help in any shape or form yet the red carpet goes out for her, whilst we are slowly edged away. I’m heartbroken

Ihave three sons all with PARTNERS, NEVER BRING ANYTHING TOWARDS EVENING MEAL BUT I ALWAYS TAKE SOMETHING FOR THEM WHEN I VISIT.

My friend has a son like this.. I was at their house recently when the phone rang. His father said, what does he want now, he only calls when he wants something. Yet, they drop everything to babysit for them, even at short notice.

My advice is to speak to your son, OP and tell him how you’re feeling.

butterandjam

Ann29

When someone posts to say they don't get visits etc I don't think it is appropriate to say I get visits etc. I think that is rubbing salt into the wound. Slimswim I think triciaqanem saying is usually correct .

When somebody posts "there are a few things that I wonder " about other mothers and their sons, she's asking for an insight into other peoples experience.

I agree with Ann29 here I think Slimswim is asking for insight into how other people with the same experience as her with her sons has dealt with a similar problem
She doesn’t need to hear what wonderful sons &;daughters for that matter are and how caring they are it is like rubbing salt into an open wound
I’m sure she is glad other people’s experiences are not the same as hers but it doesn’t help her with her problems just makes her feel worse about them.

Childminded my son’s children and now I rarely see them. They live 5 mins away. It’s all about his wife’s family. They didn’t even bother with my husbands birthday last year. I’m asked to have them for a day in the summer holidays because they need childcare not because they want to visit. I know this is common but it hurts and I don’t know wether to move to the coast (which is what I would like) or stay so I see the grandchildren sometimes and they can call in when they are independent (if they do call in?)

I agree, it’s so hard sometimes and really upsets me as I want to be more involved but my daughter in laws Mum’s take priority. At times I’ve been quite hurt by it but not a lot I can do just smile and get on with it.

Ilovedogs22

butterandjam

5 years ago we moved long distance and are now 6 miles from one of our sons. He often drops in on the way home from work; invites us over for meals, they come here for meals. He helps us and we do the same for him. We see the GC teens changing almost weekly.

To have this ringside seat watching our little boy as a mature man skillfully juggling teenagers, partner, friends and aging parents , home, career , life is quite something. An unexpected delight of old age.

What a !ovely, heart-warming post butterandjam!
My four boys have all moved-out, so the peace and tidyness is still an utter a joy for myself & DH!
I too am so proud of them all & to watch my child with his child is magical! He's simply a natural & perfectly at ease with a rampant toddler on his lap. Lovely. Small wonderful blessings.😊

Ditto, but apparently we're not supposed to sat that.

How do you get on with your DIL, Slimswim?
Perhaps it's just that they're so busy, as so many young families are with working, children's activities etc.
It's good that they still come to visit.

I didn't grow up in a particularly close family. So it's a lovely surprise for me that our 2 sons are really close to us. They both are lucky to have lovely wives who I love to bits and get on really well with. They both live locally and contact us nearly every day (granted sometimes to arrange childcare for DGC, ask dad for help with work matters, help with DIY etc, but also to see how we are, especially if one of us hasn't been well). If we need help with something they are there for us, as we are for them. However, their wives and children are their priority, and that's exactly as it should be.

I used to see eldest son practically weekly for years as he has always been within walking distance, not much for babysitting, I usually went to play with grandsons for a couple of hours to give their parents a break. Now it's gone gradually to every 2 months or so as GC are now grown. DiL's family would babysit a lot so it was shared.

The youngest son [a 20+minute drive away] I saw every 3 weeks or so, but he was working a lot of different shifts. Rarely babysat as the other GParents had them to sleep one night each week anyway. Now their children are getting older I see them about every 2 months.

I accept the change as health issues/work issues/kids clubs take so much time and energy. For me too as I don't have the energy I used to have. So it's all fine.

My family don't ask others for much, and usually wait until it's offered. Maybe that's why it worked.

Slimswim

Had trouble with a subject for this post as there are a few things that I wonder.

Does anyone else have a grown up son with a family who live close to them but only seem to message them when they want something (mainly babysitting?).

Happy to get invited for meals but very rarely reciprocate, don’t think to make a contribution or bring a bottle of wine.

Just wondering.

Perhaps don't babysit unless you actually have inclination.

The poster was asking about other parents who see little of their sons, not to be smuggly told it is how the fault is how they were bought up.
Slim swim, it is not just sons that do what your son and his family do, it daughters too.
Jackus, cannot you just once initiate contact, tell your son how you miss him. You will lose nothing. Otherwise, if you can, try to get out, look at your local church notice board even if not a church goer or the library or supermarket notice boards.
It is do very selfish not checking up on his mother but it's very common.