Badly behaved grandchildren - what to do!

Thanks to all for your contributions. It's a sticky situation as I don't want to upset anybody but have to admit it is really getting me down. Boys are completely opposite to DD when she was a child and I think that's what I struggle with trying to understand why and what prompts all this bad feeling. Holidays just about done so hopefully I'll start to feel better.

I’m an only child, as such I was utterly horrified to see my friends children “bashing each other up” until we had our last three children, all born within 5 years.

They are now 28, 25 and 23, and all still alive and I’ve accepted sibling relationships are mysterious and in-fighting, whether physical or not, is actually quite normal.

I didn’t allow stones and other hard objects to be thrown around, but it happened!

BTW, these terrible three of ours were two girls, one boy. Girls can be just as bad!

For the future, could the parents arrange play dates for the boys with their friends. With you still responsible for holiday childcare, but the ferrying the boys to their mates for at least some of the time.

If one of them was out with a friend you could reciprocate by having a friend for the other one. It sounds like extra responsibility but you probably wouldn’t see either the grandson or the friend at all, ex rot when they wanted food!

I really think it would solve a lot of the problems and you would all be happier - especially the boys!

Could you look after them at their house where they probably could have friends to visit and bring home to play?

...and more of their oen "stuff"?

It's a big responsibility for you to supervise them having a friend to play at that age 😕

Our local sports centre has a lot of activity days during the school holidays, with qualified staff.
Not free, but not hugely expensive.

Another option, which my daughter and partner do, is to take it in turns to look after the children themselves during school holidays.
We cover three weeks over the year.

Tell their parents you cannot put up with ther children any longer and to find alternative arrangements for their care during holidays.

TBH I wouldn’t do it. Looking after grandchildren should be a pleasure at our age, not a stressful chore. We’ve been there and done that! I would let the parents know that you feel it’s too much to keep going with this arrangement and can they think again. If they ask why, I’d explain that unfortunately the children aren’t well behaved and you find it very stressful. Wait for the response. If you’ve upset them, I wouldn’t worry too much. Remember that you are doing this as a choice not a compulsory obligation. My guess is they’ll calm down if need be and you can all reassess the situation.

mabon2

Tell their parents you cannot put up with ther children any longer and to find alternative arrangements for their care during holidays.

Not in the least tactful, or kind!
There are far more pleasant ways to say something like that. Why do you always pick the unkind ways to do things? It seems to be a habit.

NotSpaghetti

I wonder if you've ever come across the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk?
It's by Adele Faber and years ago was extremely useful.

There are probably newer even better books out there but this one was definitely pretty good.

If you can stagger through half term then next time you have them you could start afresh?

I wish I had access to some of the excellent advice that surround now when I was parenting my own children. There are things that I know I didn’t handle as well as I could’ve done, and made things more stressful for everyone. I would recommend doing a bit of reading around - if books aren’t your thing, there’s quite a lot of good information on social media sites. You might learn some techniques that can help you when you are responsible for the children. Not much is that you can do about them in their own home of course, but who knows? Perhaps some of the techniques will rub off.
I do think ‘our house - our rules’ is a good one too. This worked with visiting children when my were little. Children are very used to having different rules in different places.

You need to discuss with your husband how to move forward with these, the problem is only going to get worse as the boys get bigger and stronger. Once you decide on your plan, discuss with their parents and the boys. They need to understand what behaviour is appropriate when you are looking after them, what you will not accept etc, and the consequences. My rules were always accepted by my grandchildren (and their parents) but I was probably lucky. It's a hard enough job for grandparents to look after young children let alone when they are stressed out with very poor behaviour. If nothing changes you may need to stop looking after them.

I suppose Mary Poppins would take them out on an adventure.

Why obviously..do you look after them…I have 6 GC…3 D….they know we are here..but they know that like we did they get in with it. Their children their job. Therefore when we do see/care for them it s a treat for us all
Tell the parents you can’t cope with the behaviour and need a break. I think they may look at sorting things if you are not so available

I have Granddaughters the same age as your grandchildren. They argue/ fight a lot too. This annoys their parents as much as me.

I look after them 4 days a week in the holidays.

One thing my Son in law is very strict on is that I am in charge when looking after them. He 100 % backs me in any decisions I make and they know they're better off giving their Dad trouble than they are me. He (and my daughter) is very grateful for my help and the money I save them in child care bills as well as the stress I save them in that I'm reliable and love them.

Do the parents support you in this way? Do the kids play their parents up more than they do you or less?

I so agree, my grandchildren rarely play up and usually it’s resolved quickly, however one of them a lad aged 11 thinks what he says goes, he is quickly disabused of this when I say ‘ my house my rules ‘. As for the looking after them in holidays, it should not be your job, I help out during school breaks but on my terms.

I was having issues with my grandchildren and asked them how I could be a better granny! Eye opener. I acted on what they said and things are better.

My house, my rules. If the parents don't like it they can make alternative arrangements. I won't tolerate badly behaved children in my home.

Hi. Why do you have to look after them during school holidays? If you don’t want to , say so! I have six grandchildren , only little still, but my kids completely accept that I cannot be a carer for theirs except on my terms. And it’s “ gran’s house, gran’s rules”.

I am the eldest in my family, so have seen how the toing and froing of relations change and alter in some unknown way, often without a specific reason. One day best buddies playing happily together and the following day endless quarrels etc. So I do think there has to be a clear divide, between general argy bargy and on the other hand bullying or certainly throwing stones or anything that could cause harm to others. Whilst the parent really have to have clear rules as to the behaviour expected, I would suggest that as a grandparent, you have every right to have your own rules in your house. Any major problems would result in sanctions and I would suggest that the simple statement that you are unable to take them to swimming or park or whatever if their behaviour is such that it is either not safe for themselves and others, or they overstep the mark in your house. If they continue, then I do think that you need to talk to their parents, explaining that as things stand you do not feel that they accept rules or your right to decide what is going to happen, so that you are unable to look after them at this time. You are not saying this in an accusitory way, the family has the right to decide what is acceptable behaviour in their home, but you also have the right to say that if you are not going to be in charge, then it can feel very worrying or even a little dangerous. As an adult you see the dangers in a situation and if they are not going to listen when you say you need to move from the edge or whatever , then it really is not safe for them or you to carry on in that way. To me the only thing that could work would be that you could take them to the swimming pool or a football match in a park or whatever , where someone else is running the class but you are there to take them and to encourage and praise them, but are now only expected to be an onlooker and not have to manage their behaviour.

Cambsnan

I was having issues with my grandchildren and asked them how I could be a better granny! Eye opener. I acted on what they said and things are better.

Please share what they said!

I had boys including twins. Yes, there was occasional rough and tumble but never any attempt to use weapons such as stones. With the twins it was at times difficult as being the same age neither had the maturity over the other to reason what could be dangerous but they both definitely understood what was acceptable for a bit of fun. The children's parents need to knuckle down and impress on their children to stop the physical battles. Otherwise you withdraw from childcare.

Be honest with your daughter, say you cant cope with their behaviour and you will have to stepp back as you are under stress.

Have you told the parents who should be looking after the welfare of their children. Lovely though grandchildren are you are not their parents and should not be stressed by having them both. I have not had to look after any my grandchildren as their parents took other care into account, either amongst themselves or friends. I had the nice role. Yes the boys want to be with their mates.
I do think that grandparents should be saying what they can and cannot do...they have been through one lot of parenting and do not need another time. Just my opinion

You and the children's parents certainly need to put a stop to the stone throwing! The boys could hurt each other seriously.

Frankly, I would tell their parents that unless this kind of dangerous behaviour stops they will need to find someone else to look after the boys.

I would not want the responsibilty of being in charge of children who are fighting so dangerously.