Making the effort to socialise.

GoodAfternoonTea

Esmay

I understand how you feel .
Sometimes socialising is just exhausting and staying at home is quiet and cosy .
I'm very sociable so I enjoy talking to old and new friends.
But since my father passed I'm becoming increasingly irritated with people .
They can't stop telling me what to do with my life .
They even lecture and argue with me .
I wouldn't dream of telling them what to do with their lives -so why interfer in mine ?

I'd go to the lunch and then leave early if it's too much .

Yes, this is me. I don't have grandchildren or pets and have not been on a holiday in years because I was a carer to my elderly parents for years. So, in the way of conversation I have little to offer. The friends I had dropped me over the years because I was unavailable to socialise because I was a carer. Trying to rebuild a new life now. I suppose this is where it starts.

Don't play down that you cared for your parents. Use this as an opener and say that you're now exploring your options to socialise/travel more and what do they do with their spare time. Caring will feature in many people's lives in U3A so it's fairly common ground and can be an ice breaker.

If it's anything like my u3a Christmas lunch- you have already committed by paying your deposit and the restaurant has accepted your'e booking. You're already half way there already as you are feeling positive about the menu, location and timing. Plus you made an active decision to join u3a in the first place, so probably a desire to socialise with others....just need to develop confidence and comfort levels as it sounds you are more towards the introverted side.

Have you met anyone yet in your local u3a group with whom you have built a rapport who is also going? Ff so perhaps you could suggest sharing a lift, walk in together and therefore then sit at the table next to each other. Half way there again....

I'd go with an open mind, it's for several hours only and worst case scenario you will be going back home to your good book afterwards. You never know you may have a great time 🤞

If you want to, go. If you don't, don't go.

I'm surprised you say you don't know anyone. Haven't you joined any of the interest groups?

Our U3A Christmas outing is lunch at a golf club. So there's no escape!

Another U3A member offers others a lift so that we can have a glass of wine.
The alcohol is an ice breaker and speaking to the others on the way means we can all sit at the same table.

It's not my favourite occasion, partly because I'm a vegetarian and I think I'm the only one, so "difficult" but there are beautiful views!

Remember, other people there may feel much as you do. Just talk to the people seated near to you - one of the best ways of getting people to chat is to ask them about themselves, what they worked at, etc.etc. Most people are more than happy to tell you all about themselves.

Yes you should go. I often find that it is the things I least look forward to that end up being really enjoyable. As MillyNew says prepare a few questions beforehand. Just general ones like ‘which U3A do you go to? ‘Have you travelled far today’? If they tell you where they are from, if you know the area, you could comment on something there or, if you don’t, ask if it’s a nice place to live etc. Generally I find that most people like to talk about themselves. Just be careful you don’t come over as giving them the third degree though.!

If you belong to U3A you will already know some people. Just smile and say hello and your away who knows. I am going on my own we might meet I will speak to you . They are very friendly bunch.

I find eating out difficult with strangers as so many (older men in particular) have awful table manners. Last time the chap next to me got out a filthy hankie and blew his nose loudly. I thought I was going to be sick and had to excuse myself! Could you take someone you know whose company you’d enjoy?

Go

You must go . I often feel like that at big meetings and find it is not as bad as you thought . Try to get there a little early so you not stuck out on a limb ! People just love talking about themselves so ask them a question a simple one will do ! You may even get to know someone . Good luck 🍀

I would drag myself along and then probably find I quite enjoy it. If it turns out to be unbearable, what have you lost really. I’m not especially sociable tbh but I do make the effort to see some people and go to some events and often I like them. Try not to jump to conclusions and go with an open mind.

Not that I do social stuff these days but when I did I found that I often enjoyed the very things I was least expecting to.I can chat away happily to complete strangers that I meet whilst dog walking but I find any situation where I’m stuck in one place and expected to make polite conversation terrifying and end up blabbing on about anything. So I have to remind myself to just ask people about themselves and let them do the talking.

GoodAfternoonTea

I once stat next to a woman at a WI lunch. I did know her actually and I made polite conversation like: Aren't we having a lovely summer? Do you have any new projects in your craft group? I was met with stony silence. The other woman sitting next to her wasn't much better. I asked if she had any pets? Answer: No. Anyhow, lady on my left was very chatty so meal ended up rather nice.

I wonder if the two of them were friends and just wanted to be able to talk to each other? That has happened to me a few times when I’ve gone on my own to things.

I’ve also had a real problem with a ‘Queen Bee’. I learned that rather than trying to be friendly and talk to her, it was better if I just ignored her - she clearly hated being ignored and started trying to cozy up to me!

But I have had many more brilliant conversations with people I didn’t know - friends and friends, etc. I do usually start by asking people a few questions about themselves as someone else suggested here. And it usually just goes on from there.

And I just don’t believe that you will not have much to talk about - as they say, we all have more in common than divide us. Everyone around you will just be the same kind of ordinary folk that we all are. Here you are starting a lively thread on GN! If you can do that, you can almost certainly start a conversation with the person next to you. If I can hear someone talking about something interesting, I’m not beyond joining in with their conversation. I start by saying ‘I’m sorry but I couldn’t help overhearing you talking about X - that sounds really interesting’, and it goes on from there.
Do go - what’s the worst that can happen?

I am a U3A member and found myself in this situation the first couple of years after I joined. I made myself attend the Christmas dinner even though I wanted to curl up at home. I usually introduce myself, ask the names of those near to me, then ask what things they are doing with U3A, how long they have been a member etc. Better than waiting for someone else to notice and speak to you. I am pretty hopeless at small talk, but there is a lot of common ground if you are all members of an organisation. Once round the table the time zooms by and usually I go home thinking it wasnt so bad and congratulating myself on tackling something I was worried about. If it was really bad I would leave early, but so far that hasnt happened.

I use to think ,I won’t go I don’t know anyone .
But then I told myself I never will know anyone if I don’t socialise .
As others have said you can always leave when you have had enough . 🥰

my husband died 2nd january i started off wanting go out and meet people which was impossible while he was ill at home but have now lost enthusisam as after placing posts about such got no response a facebook group i,m on for widows/widowers to talk has meet ups advertised but none are in the town or nearby area so now i,ve just resigned myself reluctantly to sitting home alone the only place i,ve hear from sounds like meeting up to find a new partner i,m not looking for that now if ever

Go. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. No one will chain you to the chair so you can leave whenever you feel like you've had enough. I'm sure you won't be the only one feeling a little unsure.

Go the website Golden Carers--jokes for seniors and the elderly---to be on the safe side not embarrassing or sexist in strange company.

Learn a few harmless joked that you can tell to the persons on each side of you " Have you heard about-------"

gibson2222

my husband died 2nd january i started off wanting go out and meet people which was impossible while he was ill at home but have now lost enthusisam as after placing posts about such got no response a facebook group i,m on for widows/widowers to talk has meet ups advertised but none are in the town or nearby area so now i,ve just resigned myself reluctantly to sitting home alone the only place i,ve hear from sounds like meeting up to find a new partner i,m not looking for that now if ever

I’m sorry to hear that.

That’s why I mentioned upthread our U3A WYBIG “Would you be interested in going” initiative . It’s an addition to the monthly talks and regular interest groups and aimed at one-off events.

If you see something on that you would like to go to but would like some company, you can post on the WYBIG … e.g. Would anyone like to go to see The Nutcracker at the Town Theatre on 10 December? Would anyone like to make up a team of four for a Quiz Night at the Dog & Duck on 20 November in aid of [name of charity].

Rosieandhermaw

I read recently that dinner parties are having a revival.

You'll read soon of people rebuilding the walls they took down to create those noisy awful living/dining/kitchens spaces.

You need a 'proper' dining-room for a dinner-party. An evening meal in the kitchen is called supper!!!
.

My husband died in January, I eventually joined a local lunch group and my local Oddfellows,I think without them I would have gone mad,it's not been easy pushing myself forward and I still have bad days,I hate being on my own but I know mixing with other people has helped me so much.

1. You wont have to cook, and hopefully the food will be good. You have paid for it
2. I love to curl up with a good book and find it hard to motivate myself to go out, but usually good when I do, you can always walk away
3. If you are U3A age then chances are you might connect with people you have not met for years

Give it a go

Since I retired I have joined WI and a local education centre for retired people. I met lots of lovely people and we make a real effort to get to know each other and help out if people need anything. Recently two ladies have fallen and broken things, and they have had people set up downstairs bedrooms, offers of shopping, lifts and visitors. I think it's really kind and community minded. I have loved becoming part of these communities. The only way to become part of these groups is to go and join in and chat. They might not be your kind of people, but how else do you find out? I know it can seem an effort, and awkward at first. I am a very sociable person though,....

I’m due to go to our local one too at the start of December, that was until I was told by a long term member that the seating was always, all couples sit together on various tables, all us singles on two other tables, this struck me as odd, so now like you I’m torn between going and not going.

Back in 2007 we moved to a new city and and an apartment complex which caters for all ages, some owned and others rented. My partner is not gregarious but as I knew no-one I was determined to meet some of our neighbours. There was a general invitation to meet at a nearby Thai restaurant. My partner hates "foreign" food so wouldn't go. I went on my own and met some delightful people, one of whom has become my new BF and she took me along to her coffee morning group. Another group of friends was formed. So do go. You never know who you might meet.

Look around for other people who are alone. Ask people about themselves. People love someone who is interested in them