Why is it always me making the invites?

I'm another who feels uncomfortable having friends in the house. I grew up in a quiet household and never had visitors so didn't learnt the art of entertainment. I was never encouraged to have friends round either so was used to my own company.

So then in childhood/teenage years, as now, it was always me visiting them. If I didn't visit people now I would see no one! They are always pleased to see me and happy that they do not have to make the effort. But it suits me.

I've had friends visit in the past and thought they'd never go. I find that stressful. So I like visiting far more than being visited and try never to outstay my welcome. I know where I stand though but a price worth paying to feel somewhat in control of the situation.

Afraid I am one of those who doesn't keep in touch as I should. I have a "phone phobia" which I only realised once I retired. I also had a far more demanding job than most, with a daily commute of 95 miles and weekends taken up with admin - never mind the housework and elderly parents!

Even in retirement I am busy busy and now my DH is disabled and needs a lot of care. I've also just spent two years battling cancer.

But I value my long-term friends and hope they will understand.

Many years ago DH and I wondered why a couple had apparently dropped us. But we continued to keep in contact. Then a few months later we found out that the wife had been weaning herself off anti depressants. So it's not always what you may think.

DH meets up with two friends regularly (about every two months) and for the first year or so he was complaining that he was always the one to get in touch. One day he said to them 'Let me know when you want to meet up, you have more on your plates than I do so it's better to let me know when you are free'. He didn't contact them again until one of them texted to say 'How are you fixed for Monday pm?' Since then they all text each other.

Think you're really fortunate if have life long friends. Iv had a big upset and now wonder if I knew her properly at all
True tgat can change with age and circumstances, patience lessons after meno 😊 I keep going over it and want to reach out but she has said things I can't get past which were unfair and untrue
Came out in hives for a few weeks
Really sad there is no one answer, I just wish I could forget it, Heart felt wishes to all who are affected badly
'People!' I think a bit like this now. Which I hate about myself as was always a big forgiver maybe to my detriment

...I said to another friend similar after I noticed I was the instigator. I said 'let me know if fancy coffee' whatever
I'm sure she didn't like it but has reciprocated after a few weeks it just says 'Iv got a bad cold ' not to meet up 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Or, just say 'keep in touch' maybe

I’ve had the same too. It was always me doing the running. Then one day I sent a text and got no reply.

Seventeen months later… I got a response - but only because she wanted my help with something.

I didn’t bother replying.

I got a ‘send to all - Happy Christmas’ - 2 years later. Again didn't bother.

As others have said, the friendship obviously wasn't that important to her.

Not my loss, I’ve moved forward and have plenty of new friends to meet up and chat with.

Actually, my best friend is a lady I met here on Gransnet a few years ago. Lovely lady, and we often meet up for a few days together. We go out to lunch, dinner, shows and comedy clubs. We’ve been on holiday together.

We chat, we talk serious, put the world to rights, and we moan to each other about our aches and pains!

But mostly, we have a lot of fun, do, and say silly things, and laugh until we cry at times. And to me that’s a proper friendship.

I must admit I was most put out when my friends of 50 years plus had a golden wedding party in June this year and never invited me. Out of all the friends there, I was the only “ girl” to have been at their actual wedding, the others joined out group after. Needless to say I will not bother with them any time soon.

I am always the one to make the phone calls as friends and family are a long way away. I would love phone calls , just to chat and catch up. I told my cousin I was lonely and she said I could ring her up any time. I don't know what that says about me.

This is a really helpful thread, I do appreciate how honest so many of you are being. It hurts to admit how rebuffed one can feel when you stop contacting someone and they just don't bother.

Polly7 I had similar to you but with a newish friend of a year or two. My husband was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer and she got in touch asking if I didn't want to be her friend any longer - because I hadn't been in touch with her for a couple of weeks! Silly me had done most of the making an effort to meet up but was too busy supporting my husband to remember to arrange a coffee!

The situation deteriorated into her accusing me of all sorts of things which simply weren't true including ignoring her at a meeting. The meeting in question had just started and I had rushed in late! At this point I realised that I had made all the running in the relationship and I stopped it. She didn't get in touch again.

One more example: I am part of a group of 4 who were friends at school, three of us are in a WhatsApp group which the 4th refuses to join as she doesn't have a Smartphone, she doesn't approve of them. She insists that we contact her by landline and she is one of those people who never lets you get a word in edgewise. It's all about her or it's a rant about refugees or the council planting trees or about her health concerns.

The last time we spoke she was taken aback with my news that I was having heart investigations and that one of my daughters was about to present us with our first grandchild. She has three children and three grandchildren and I am always expected to remember the details of their lives but she just said 'oh' and returned to her own concerns.

Just writing this makes me cross. I had a lonely childhood and am not terribly good at making friends but at least I do have a few people who I treasure. The above experiences have made me wary and I have stopped being as friendly and helpful as I used to be.

Cambsnan I think we all have some friends like this. They’re curiously passive and can take or leave relationships seemingly. I guess we can only accept this and not expect too much from them. If you genuinely would like to see them, I would get in touch ..life’s too short to overthink it all imo.

StripeyGran

A familiar theme. I had a very good friend, we practically lived in each others pockets. I stopped ringing and never heard from her again.
Another one after 30 years ghosted me.

I have developed a very different attitude to friendships now.

Same here. I totally agree.It gets worse you get older.

I decided after many years that l was only a trophy friend for some people Or as l got older that a few people only stayed in touch now and then because l had health problems and lived by myself.

I now really think that most friendships come with expiry dates.

I too have always been the arranger and whenever I've suggested someone else does the next one it's always been - no, your good and we know you enjoy it (?!?) so we'll let you carry on. Gradually realised that some are fairweather friends because I don't hear from them at all unless I make contact. One in particular just doesn't have it in her DNA to make the first move and is the same with everyone and openly admits it. I always forgive her but have let others go. Especially the one that wanted to reignite our past friendship but then spent all of our lunchtime meet up looking at her phone.

I have been thinking about this subject quite a bit recently, I am one of those who is always 'the arranger' (as is my sister and both my daughters - think we inherited it from our mother!). I am in a book group of 9 people and we have been meeting together for many years, recently someone mentioned in our Whats App group going to see the Downton Abbey film - several seemed keen and I said I would have liked to go but as DH wanted to see it I would go with him....needless to say it went quiet and no-one has been to see it (apart from me & DH!). I have a very good friend who lives on her own, so I do make the effort to initiate outings from time to time, when we last went for a walk I dropped her home and she said 'Do ask me next time you want some company on a walk' - I replied 'And you can ask me when you want to go' but she thinks I will be busy and does not like to ask. In fact I discussed this with a psychotherapist friend, who says it is a fear of rejection on the part of the person who just sits and waits to be asked, and if you are not a person who suffers from this it is hard to understand. So maybe us 'organisers' should have sympathy for those who struggle in this way?

Unusually for me I have not read all the responses on this thread, as I don't want to be influenced.

I am an organiser, and the one who 'makes things happen'. I am the one who hosts and provides cooked food and a range of drinks (I rarely drink alcohol, but provide red and white wine and soft drinks when people are at my house in the evenings), only to find that when it's someone else's turn to host there are crisps and dips, and other than the wine there is squash or water - basically no effort is made to accommodate my preferences.

If there is no local facility for something I'd like to attend, I set one up. I pull my weight, and don't expect others to provide for my interests.

I am getting increasingly fed up with those who don't. People who wait for me to ask them to coffee at my house. Or to go somewhere at my behest (so I buy the tickets and sort the transport), but never suggest anything off their own bat. Basically, people who expect others to run after them and can't be bothered to reciprocate. They are a drag on everyone else.

A while ago, I decided to stop doing it. I made a conscious effort to make new friends, and I made it clear to the new people that I wanted to be friends on an equal footing, and it has worked.

I still see my old friends, but I make far less effort. I don't dislike them, but am not prepared to carry their social lives any longer. Mostly, I go out with the new people, and have met even more new friends through those people, as they are the sort to have people in their orbit - the old ones just don't, as for years they have sat back and waited for others to make the effort.

So. I'm not sure what has been said, and I am not responding to anyone in particular, but if you are they type to expect others to do the heavy lifting, maybe you need to have a think?

Why should it always be the same people who bother, and why do some think they are above making an effort?

I'm not house proud at all so don't mind who sees how I live and enjoy having friends for coffee or a meal however I also like the cafe culture which we didn't have when I was a young woman.
Meeting friends in a café can be so relaxed and now dogs are often welcome too.

Thank you for this post. I thought it was me being a grumpy old woman! It’s always me arranging to meet etc and it’s getting blooming exhausting. I’m married yet lonely if that makes sense. DH lives in his little world and I like female company. But I’m getting Fedup of always being the one to organise everything. It’s draining.

I had a neighbour who I invited for supper and to watch a film with me. She invited me back, then called that evening and said sorry, double booked. She never invited me again. Another neighbour who I took out for lunch, never bothered to invite me for coffee. I’ve never been much fun I guess. I’ve always put my kids first and never left them much growing up so I’m out of the habit of having interesting things to talk about, I’m mainly a listener. I travel quite a lot though.

Polly7

Think you're really fortunate if have life long friends. Iv had a big upset and now wonder if I knew her properly at all
True tgat can change with age and circumstances, patience lessons after meno 😊 I keep going over it and want to reach out but she has said things I can't get past which were unfair and untrue
Came out in hives for a few weeks
Really sad there is no one answer, I just wish I could forget it, Heart felt wishes to all who are affected badly
'People!' I think a bit like this now. Which I hate about myself as was always a big forgiver maybe to my detriment

I am sorry to hear about your friend and can imagine how this must have felt for you. You don't mention your or her age, but could she be wandering into the realms of dementia? My mother started to say some really horrible things which upset me and which were quite untrue. If not dementia, then good that you discovered what a horrible person she was and you can now hopefully ignore her in the future.

Just knocked another handful of stragglers off my Christmas list - the 'we must meet for coffee' brigade but never bother.

SunnySusie

I am another who finds having friends visit my house really stressful. I turn myself inside out cleaning absolutely everything (even though the house is reasonably clean normally) and am then exhausted. I worry about the food, the drink, whether I should arrange entertainment, how long they will stay. If they are visiting overnight its even worse. Will I wake them tramping to the loo in the night? Will they wake me? And these are people I really like, who have been friends for years. I would so much like to chill out and enjoy their visits, but inevitably I dont issue many invites and then wish we saw more of each other.

I am exactly the same Sunny Susie.

beachcomber76

I'm another who feels uncomfortable having friends in the house. I grew up in a quiet household and never had visitors so didn't learnt the art of entertainment. I was never encouraged to have friends round either so was used to my own company.

So then in childhood/teenage years, as now, it was always me visiting them. If I didn't visit people now I would see no one! They are always pleased to see me and happy that they do not have to make the effort. But it suits me.

I've had friends visit in the past and thought they'd never go. I find that stressful. So I like visiting far more than being visited and try never to outstay my welcome. I know where I stand though but a price worth paying to feel somewhat in control of the situation.

Me too Beachcomber.

Judy54

Yes it is infuriating. This has happened to us many times over the years. We always seem to be the hosts with people saying come to us next time and next time never happens, we can hardly invite ourselves to their homes. We backed off on the invitations and never heard from some of these people again. Clearly our friendship did not mean that much to them. We got fed up with being givers to those who were only takers and moved on. No idea why people behave like this.

Not everyone finds hosting easy. My parents were always having people round or to stay and people used to drop in all the time. I hated it and am the complete opposite, but funnily enough my two daughters have taken after my mother.

A person with whom I was friendly for over 30 years became poorly and couldn't do much. Every week for a year I made an evening meal for them, at Christmas I gave them a homemade Christmas cake baked by myself. The husband knocked on my back door one day in January returning the cake on which I hadpout the cake and said "I'm returning the plate" No thank you for anything I had given them for the year, not even a bunch of flowers. that for me was the last straw, stopped visiting and taking gifts.