Why is it always me making the invites?

mabon2

A person with whom I was friendly for over 30 years became poorly and couldn't do much. Every week for a year I made an evening meal for them, at Christmas I gave them a homemade Christmas cake baked by myself. The husband knocked on my back door one day in January returning the cake on which I hadpout the cake and said "I'm returning the plate" No thank you for anything I had given them for the year, not even a bunch of flowers. that for me was the last straw, stopped visiting and taking gifts.

Blimey mabon, that is indeed harsh.

And yet sometimes, kindness comes from unexpected sources.

I decided years ago that I would just be me and not expect others to be the same. Each is answerable to themselves. Friendships do need to be a bit of a two way process but not necessarily equal.

I like to keep in touch with friends but am not always as good as I would like to be. I value the contact that my friends have with me but I don't take it for granted.

Surely if you're friends you can say to each other about issues? Don't let them build into something that isn't there

No not everyone finds hosting easy but it is not difficult to open a bottle of wine and put a few nibbles out, even if they are shop bought. It is about friendship, sharing and giving those who have shown you hospitality some in return. It would be nice to be a guest for a change instead of being the proverbial hosts.

Babs03

It was like that with myself and a close circle of friends, I was the one always organising get togethers, finding a restaurant that suited us all then booking a table etc., I was also the one collecting money pooled for a bouquet of flowers when one of us was going through a hard time.
Fast forward to my DH having a stroke and bleeds on the brain so am out of the loop. No bouquet of flowers, not even a card, very little in the way of calls or texts.
Yet others, whom I didn’t think I was as close to, have come forward and been really helpful.
Fact is if you are the one doing all the running it just shows that they don’t value your friendship enough to return the favour.

Babs03 That is almost a carbon copy of how it’s been for us since my husband’s stroke.

I’ve lost count of the people who say how sorry they are that he is now disabled etc and they “must” call round and see him. It’s nearly a year since the stroke and very few have been round.
Maybe they think a stroke is catching!

People are perfectly friendly if we meet in public and tell me to look after myself as well as my husband and tell me to let them know if they can help in any way but they don’t really mean it.

A good example is my nearest neighbour. Her husband committed suicide several years ago when her kids were in their teens. I offered her extra Z beds and bedding as she said she had family staying for the funeral. I made her a large casserole and a dessert and took them round. I invited her for coffee several times. I fed her cat when she took the kids away.
She knows my husband had a stroke as another neighbour said she told her but she has never so much as enquired about him.

I agree with those of you who have said it's draining to always be the hostess or the person who arranges outings. I have one friend who has not reciprocated anything in 10 years so I stopped getting tickets for things a year ago because I was feeling resentful. I no longer suggest/arrange anything. We see each other at our book club and oddly enough remain on good terms.
I was thinking about this thread when walking my dog this evening. I fancy going to the theatre next week and normally I would email/text a few friends to see if they would like to go and buy the tickets. I decided to try a new tactic. When I got home I booked my ticket and messaged friends saying I'd got a ticket and "if anyone is interested , buy a ticket online and I'll be in the bar 1/2 hour before the performance. The seats are not allocated so we can sit anywhere."
I'm trying to avoid multiple texts/emails such as "CocoPops where is the nearest car park? CocoPops is there any free parking in the vicinity? CocoPops will you ask Sarah to pick me up or meet me at such and such a bus stop? CocoPops does bus no. 19 stop close by? CocoPops I can't go. Can you sell my ticket to someone? etc etc.! Will it work? I'll let you know.

Bumped

I am so glad it's not just me. Ive given up with some "friends" as they don't respond to my phone calls or texts, clearly I care more about our friendship than theydo -- yet when they have problems I'm the first onethey call. There sre a few precious friends I will always care about but the others have slipped away , and so be it.

I try not to think of friendship as transactions - “you do A, then I’ll do B, its my turn then your turn” kind of thinking. As others have pointed out, different people have different stresses in their lives we don't necessarily know about. I rarely “host” friends, instead we meet for coffee or lunch, go to a gallery or exhibition together. Its not hard to send a text or WhatsApp. So what if I'm the instigator? If they don't want to come they won't, the fact is they usually do!

vegansrock I really like your attitude towards friendship.

Yes, I'm usually the organiser in my group of friends and it does sometimes make me wish the others would step up more. At least they do a bit, and I love them anyway
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Also I wish my sister, the other side of the UK, would phone or text me off her own bat. We love eachother hugely and have masses to share but it's always me initiating. I have deliberately left it to see if she contacts me and it has gone for 3 or 4 months before she does, so I don't let that happen now and we speak probably monthly and text between.
I recently mentioned this to my DS (wonderful at keeping in touch) and he said it was just a personality difference between her and me. I am trying to see it that way, but it's hard not to be a little disappointed. Makes me think that I value her more than she values me, but I must hang on to DS's evaluation.