When you suddenly realise you have no one to share a memory with

This is something that comes to me from time to time, mostly when I hear 60's and 70's tunes on the radio.
Memories come flooding back but my pals have gone,

I miss my best friend so very much and not being able to share memories and talk about those little incidental things day by day So lucky she was in my life but she should be still here

"There is no one left to call me Victoria now", is a quote attributed to Queen Victoria after the death of her beloved husband, Prince Albert, in December 1861. He was only 42.

The quote expresses her profound sense of personal loss and the unique nature of their relationship. To everyone else, she was "Your Majesty" or "Mama" to her children. However Albert was one of the very few people who could address her simply by her first name, Victoria, and use the informal German address "Du" (similar to "tu" in French).

A queen regnant has no friends. She has her family and the rest are but subjects.

My MiL died at 99. Very few of her friends attended her funeral. Afterwards we realised it was because most of them had died and others were probably too old.

Like you, Monica, I have often had to pill myself up when I’ve wanted to share a memory with my mum, she’s been dead for 30 years and I still forget.

It’s worse when you live alone and hear of a good friend’s passing…no-one to talk to and neatest and dearest are far away..
Condolences to you

I think the best thing to do is to imagine that the missed one is there with you, and you 'pretend' to have a little catch-up with them.
People don't cease to exist, they live on, so it's possible that your friend might actually hear you.

*Allira, nowadays everyone seems to call you by your first name. I am having a lot of work done to the house and I am M0nica to all the workmen who come through, likewise at the doctors, dentist. I am quite happy with it.

In the past those employing someone called the worker by their first name, or just their surname, while the employee called the senior person Mr/Mrs/Miss Smith, with its connotations of them and us. I prefer the modern pattern.

M0nica

I think the loss of one's personal name is so dehumanising.

I can remember my grandmother looking at a death announcement and saying, sadly, 'He is the last person I rmemebe calling me Constance'.

She had 11 children so everyone called her 'mother', even her husband, plus, of course, she was 'grandma', and in those days (1950s/60s) you did not address another adult by their first name unless they were a close friend, so she was Mrs Smith to many people, but nobody any longer called her Constance.

I was about 14 or 15 at the time and I vowed to myself, that, I would never let that happen to me -except , of course, other times, other manners,now weveryone calls me M0nica, so it isn't a problem.

I do think that now younger people call us by our first names than in previous generations.

My SIL and DIL both call me by my first name whereas I called my MIL Mum.

I can remember my grandmother looking at a death announcement and saying, sadly, 'He is the last person I rmemebe calling me Constance'.

Oh, M0nica, that brought tears to my eyes.

I remember my mother saying there was no-one left to call her by first name.

I think the loss of one's personal name is so dehumanising.

I can remember my grandmother looking at a death announcement and saying, sadly, 'He is the last person I rmemebe calling me Constance'.

She had 11 children so everyone called her 'mother', even her husband, plus, of course, she was 'grandma', and in those days (1950s/60s) you did not address another adult by their first name unless they were a close friend, so she was Mrs Smith to many people, but nobody any longer called her Constance.

I was about 14 or 15 at the time and I vowed to myself, that, I would never let that happen to me -except , of course, other times, other manners,now weveryone calls me M0nica, so it isn't a problem.

I became friendly with a friend's DMiL, though she now lives quite a distance away and is in her late 80s. Her family all call her Gran. I can't, it sounds silly. Then I realised how sad it was that she has no-one left to call her affectionately by her first name, as all the relatives of her generation and the friends she'd known for decades are gone.
I'm sure nurses and carers who pop into her house do, but that's not the same.
I don't look forward to that aspect of longevity

Old friends of mine are either very unwell, or not nearby now, but we keep in touch and it's good to know they remember times when we were all younger. I'm the most nostalgic one with so many memories. One I've known since we were both 5, and so I've known her for 71 years.

Last year my cousin who was 63 died. She was more like a sister and we were a lot alike. We had years of seeing each other regularly, then times when we didn't, so on and off. I knew her from a baby as I was 11 when she was born.

When she died it knocked me sideways, I felt such deep grief and shock. We had so much family history to discuss and we both adored our Grandmother and talked about her a lot. So now I have nobody to reminisce with, share memories of our past, where we lived, who we knew etc. I've found it very upsetting. One of the downsides of getting older is all the loss we experience as the years go by. Many, many happy memories though even if they have to stay inside my head.

And it hurts, doesn't it, when you realise there is no-one left to share the memory with?

I suppose, like you Monica, we should all be thankful that we still have a good life, but all the same, it is hard being "the last person standing" of a family or group of friends.

But we pick ourselves up and soldier on, don't we?

I lost a dear friend (she was 58 yrs old when she died) and that left a sad gap in my life.

My oldest friend who has been beside me - and me beside her - for 50 yrs says I must not dare to pass away before she does and I say the same back to her.
Unthinkable. A lifetime of friendship which we both treasure.
Completely know where you are coming from Monica .

Iam64

What an interesting thread in response to your reflections MOnica. Like others in our age group, I have lost close friends and I’m aware this will increase as we all grow older. I’m fortunate to have some close friends of forty years, with many shared memories.
Rosiesmaw missing her dearest R, the one who really shared the loss of their baby resonated with me. Not the death of a baby but a truly awful event that only mr I lived through and its continued aftermath, with me.
The autumn is nudging me to remember I’m in the autumn of my life and need to remain in colour (not black and white )

What led to the thread was my surprise that the death of this particular person has hit so deeply.

She was one of those we describe as a 'life enhancer'. The moment she came into a gathering it started sparkling. This is why I wrote of remembering her laughing face and whoops of laughter. Some people have this special something that meant their presence in the room lightens your heart, and it is so difficult to believe it has gone

I have lost other friends and had that, 'Oh, I wish I could share it with ....' moment and I have still, thank heavens, my best friend from school, who may be a characater, she always was, but she is not quite the life enhancer in the way Jenny was and I was so taken aback by the strength of my immediate response, that just for a fraction of a second I forgot she had died.

What an interesting thread in response to your reflections MOnica. Like others in our age group, I have lost close friends and I’m aware this will increase as we all grow older. I’m fortunate to have some close friends of forty years, with many shared memories.
Rosiesmaw missing her dearest R, the one who really shared the loss of their baby resonated with me. Not the death of a baby but a truly awful event that only mr I lived through and its continued aftermath, with me.
The autumn is nudging me to remember I’m in the autumn of my life and need to remain in colour (not black and white )

Toetoe

Sometimes I have this thought to ring my mum and tell her some news , just for a fraction of a second , then I remember she died 27 years ago .

Yes, I understand. I'm not really a fan of the so called Stages of Grief model but sometimes after all these years, I experience denial.
I think they are still there.

Sometimes I have this thought to ring my mum and tell her some news , just for a fraction of a second , then I remember she died 27 years ago .

I still have quite a few cousins on both my late parents' sides but they are just not my kind of people. On my dad's side they are all very self entitled and superior and on my mother's side very materialistic showing off and boasting. I am an introvert and only get on with similar folk. I have one cousin who I get on really well with but she is a second cousin but are like sisters. We think the same way. I write things down in a journal and read them at the year end. It is a way of completing the circle.

Yes, I feel this way about my late brother with whom I was very close in age- we were even in the same class at primary school sometimes.

Even though I am lucky to still have friends and other siblings I can't have the same conversations with them that I had with him, particularly about music and politics.

It is getting easier, but he will always be missed more than I can say... his jokes were dreadful, but I'd give anything to hear one of them again.

I am lucky to still have my oldest friend , who I have had for now 78 years. We dont live near to each other but keep in touch and she is probably the only person alive who remembers my family and in particular my beloved Granny as I remember her dad. There are so many short cuts that we can have in conversation as we both know so much about each other. I am very grateful for that. Also have other friends I have known for many years, and recently I have made a new friend who is the same age as me. It has been so lovely talking to someone whose face doesnt go blank when I speak of something or a programme from years ago. It definitely adds to the pleasure of their company . I do think that it is really worth while to have just a simple journal, where you might write down anecdotes from the family, special occasions, memories of parents aunts and grandparents that might seem very simple, such as who always made the christmas cake, or when did your family first get a tv or whatever. Just every day things about peoples jobs and what they were good at, doesnt sound much , but oh what a treasure trove for the younger members of the families when older members are no longer there to ask. Also, I still have many photographs, not online, and our family have always written on the backs of them, the occasion and who is shown in the picture. In those days long gone, you could have a two pictures which looked more or less the same, as you didnt get a lot of new clothes, so that "clothes for Best, were carefully looked after and you could be seen on the summer holiday or the christmas get together , all looking pretty much the same but then it could be 2 or 3 years apart. Putting peoples names and the year on the back saves a lot of wondering who the mystery man in the corner is and what year it is. Should family in the future want to do a family tree these photos and things would be very helpful.

My last family member on my Dad's side, a dearly loved cousin, died almost a year ago. We spent hours chatting about our family memories. I miss her so much and feel as if a part of me went along with her as I am now the sole survivor.

ViceVersa

I can totally relate to that, M0nica. As an only child, now that my parents are both gone, I really have no-one to share early memories with - we didn't come from a big family of cousins or anything like that. I was looking into our family tree and some questions arose, and it was then it suddenly struck me that there was no-one I could ask about the family links.

My lovely cousin, who was older than me, was the fount of knowledge about our family history but, sadly, she died six years ago. There's no-one I can ask now.

Oh dear FGT2 😥
I know how he feels

It's when the funeral orders of service begin to pile up in the bureau that you realise just how many friends you've lost.

My lovely stepfather is 93. He told me the other day “so and so has died. There used to be 3 full bowling teams of us and now out of everyone there’s only D….. and myself left”.