Hopeless Grandad

Yes. A lot of men aren’t very interested in children.

Hmm... it doesn't seem that he's likely to change, if your eldest GC is now 20.
What was he like with your own children? I mean, did he do stuff with them when they were little?
You are clearly very present in the GCs' lives, which is a great privilege, though tiring a lot of the time, I'm guessing.

Mine is not as bad as that.
But I still put my foot down.

Ended up telling him, in no uncertain terms that if he didnt help more, I was not going to have them here as much.

He bucked up his act.

Not everyone considers doing things with children to be 'fun'. Maybe he dislikes the noise. Or just wants some peace. Maybe he never learnt how to talk to children or play with them. If the oldest one is 20 then you must have noticed a long time ago that he wasn't interested.

I assume you enjoy being with them so I don't know why you are having a go at your husband really. What do you think you are 'sucking up'? The fact that you can't change your husband into the person you think he should be?

I reminded Himself once to tell his grandchildren how proud he is of them and how much he loves them. I felt they needed to hear that from him.

He does love them. Very much.
And he’s so much better at it now.

But men and emotions (on the whole) from our generation? 😲

You’ve had over 20 years of this and managed, why ask now?

DH effectively had no grandparents. Both his grandmothers and one of his grandfathers died before he was born. The surviving grandfather, widowed in his 50s had remarried and had a second family much the same age as his grandchildren, so showed little interest in them and DH rarely saw him.

he didn't have any role models. However DGS when tiny made a beeline for his grandfather when ever he saw him, bodyswerving me to get to him, that settled down, but he is not an active grandparent, but his grandchildren are fond of him, and as his health has been poor for the last 5 years, they understand why he is not very active.

If I honest , no he was pretty hopeless with our own. He worked hard back in the day and was cream crackers when he got home, but even weekends were down to me.

Such a shame he doesn’t know what he’s missing so sad. My late husband was wonderful with our GC and he wasn’t even their ‘real’ being their step grandad. He was simply loved by them all, telling silly stories, taking them fishing or footie having them over for sleepovers ganging up on me with them. He’s been gone 7yrs but the now grownup GC often talk about him keeping his memory alive. It’s such a shame lots Grandads leave it to the Grandmas.

Yes all my grandparents were amazing and I loved them dearly. My husband just makes little or no effort at all , as you say he misses so much, but doesnt seem bothered. Oh well tis what it is. I just wondered if others had similar and as one lady said earlier , is it the generation?

Agree with AmberGran.
He was probably hoping for some peace and quiet at this stage after a life time of work.
But you impose all this noise and kerfuffle on him.
Should he just suck it up ?

My DP does loads with our 3 GC ....he's retired so takes them to school and picks them up a couple of times a week....they love going for a wethies breakfast with him....they have him running round after them when they sleep over ....he was a very involved Dad though as well

M0nica

DH effectively had no grandparents. Both his grandmothers and one of his grandfathers died before he was born. The surviving grandfather, widowed in his 50s had remarried and had a second family much the same age as his grandchildren, so showed little interest in them and DH rarely saw him.

he didn't have any role models. However DGS when tiny made a beeline for his grandfather when ever he saw him, bodyswerving me to get to him, that settled down, but he is not an active grandparent, but his grandchildren are fond of him, and as his health has been poor for the last 5 years, they understand why he is not very active.

However DGS when tiny made a beeline for his grandfather when ever he saw him, bodyswerving me to get to him
😁 Younger DGD did that too even though I was the one who always did all the cooking, craft, Playdoh, games etc! He didn't ignore them, would chat, interact with them but wasn't particularly hands-on with play.
They all love him.

DH didn't know his grandfathers either, nor his father who died when he was three, so no rôle models either.

Perhaps it depends on age too.

Is he a much older Grandfather?
Some people become grandparents in their fifties so have more energy!

My ex husband moved out when our eldest child was 11 and had always been a bored and detached father. Now we have young grandsons he probably sees every few months but he is incapable of a sensible conversation, he has to be the clown, the joker, constantly teasing and raising laughs, desperate to be funny Grandpa. And the boys seem to like it.

He wouldn’t ever change a nappy, make them a meal, or clean and dress a bleeding knee though.

Look he sounds a man who is a bit shy not so interactive with others, as you say he picks up paper and hides inthe kitchen on Christmas Day he sounds introverted and you sound extroverted
Sorry but you must love him ( or do you ?? ) you aren’t going to change him now are you ?
I ve been on my own donkeys years so have always run around and done a lot with the grandchildren but that’s been my choice Your choice is similar to be very interactive with the grandkids his is not the same, he probable likes a quiet routine kind of life
He probably isn’t comfortable with the mess the noise the out of routine style so he retreats
Enjoy what you enjoy and leave him to his quietness

It's unreasonable to expect everyone to be doting grandparents. A lot of men are uncomfortable around children, even their own. My husband was great when ours were babies but lost interest when they became little people.

mum2three

It's unreasonable to expect everyone to be doting grandparents. A lot of men are uncomfortable around children, even their own. My husband was great when ours were babies but lost interest when they became little people.

I guess if you were happy that you DP showed little interest in your DC then thats fine.....but OP is not happy.....is your statement about men being uncomfortable around children based on research? ....or your own experience?

My son still complains his dad never played football with him or took him anywhere. He has little interest in the gcs and last time I said B is coming over he said B who?

My DH didn’t do a lot with our own children as he worked all hours. He doesn’t physically do a lot with the DGC either but he is always there and he exudes kindness and love and they all adore him.

Both me and my DH are far less "dynamic" than their other GPS. We don't live as near as they do and therefore aren't around as much. The other GPS are also a bit younger and both were sporty in their younger days - as are the GC, so maybe more in common with them.

My DH definately is less actively involved than me when we see them but they love us both and give us lots of hugs.

TBH I was never much interested in other people's children. DH's paternal GPs died before he was born and his maternal GM on his second birthday so he only really had one GP who was quite elderly when he was born.

It is what it is and I doubt your DH can change. Most of us would think that's a shame but maybe he doesn't mind as much as you think he should.

I know what it's like being the one who "does it all" but that's what I do!

My husband is just the same. Wasn't hands on dad either. He's 73 now. I've always done everything for our 2 children plus our 5 grandchildren

I could have written the original post. Ive decided he listens watched and does enjoy them in his own way, they do also love him. They know he loves them

Ally27, all I can say is that you married him, so possibly you did not apply sufficient due diligence before the big day. The question you now need to ask yourself, is whether you need to move on and turn the rest of the family against him. I am sure you would not object or feel offended in any way, if he posted on a national forum, by making it crystal clear without any shadow of doubt, that he had an absolutely useless wife.