Help - ignored

gentleshores

It gets worse! I've now had a text showing photos of us from a few years ago when we were there. Before I had mobility issues. How insensitive is that - here's a reminder of what you were like before you had a few years of suffering.

...and just what the heck was that supposed to be about?

I can't think of any positive reasons for doing that sort of thing. They've certainly not got an ounce of empathy by the sound of it. It sounds like they have their own little "picture" in their mind of "how Life is" and everyone has to slot into that. If they don't slot into that - then they just pretend to themselves that they have. I don't suppose for one second the thought has crossed their mind re how you felt at their party. A host is supposed to ensure - as far as they can - that everyone feels comfortable and finds a couple of people they can resonate with on some level to chat to.

I've got a local shopkeeper friend who makes a better fist of it in her shop - and, as she's serving any refreshments desired (paid for by us if we choose to have them) she's introducing Person A to Person B and telling people what they have in common with each other (ie "You both are into x/y/z" and cue for both people can then chat with each other/find out what else they might have in common). ......and that's a shop....not a party...though things have been known to turn rather party-like there occasionally....

It gets worse! I've now had a text showing photos of us from a few years ago when we were there. Before I had mobility issues. How insensitive is that - here's a reminder of what you were like before you had a few years of suffering.

What makes people so rude? If we are out (even if it's a cafe) and someone is on their own I try to include them. That host certainly didn't have any manners. I hope that in time it doesn't worry you so much. Karma does come around.

I had a very rude friend years ago who was very self entitled. I saw her last week (she is now in her 70s) and she could hardly put one foot in front of the other as she left the cafe I was entering. If we are lucky it comes to us later, if we are unlucky it comes to us earlier, but consideration and compassion for all those with limited mobility goes a very long way to making one a good human being.

The OPs experience was entirely her partners fault he should have stayed close and included her in the conversations, it can be very difficult if you are not mobile enough to circulate and crowded parties are certainly not easy.
Powerchairs are OK in your own home, you can place stuff so that it’s not in the way, they can be a nightmare if enough space for doorways is not allowed.

If your Husband wants you to go to a party with him again , tell him to stuff it ! Did he not notice that people where avoiding talking to you ?

Terrible experience for you. Some people do feel awkward when encountering anyone with a disability. The hosts should have been proactive to ensure you were included whether by intoductions or making your seating visible. Your husband seems to have taken any part in accompanying you almost as if he didn't want you there. Think I'd be bypassing any contact with any other of his "friends" and would let him know just how he ignored you. You may not have many oytings but being more selective those you do manage to attend will likely be more enjoyable.

BlueBelle

I think I would have rung for a taxi after the first hour and double locked the front door when I got in
Let him sleep in the car

Me too

Very rude and uncaring hosts and their guests and a little remiss of your DH to leave you on your own.

Don’t give up though, do go out, do enjoy yourself, don’t become a prisoner in your own home. Sending love and good luck

Thank you all. @MayBee70 I'm aware that things knock me much harder these days, especially when feeling vulnerable. But I also know it was wrong and I didn't deserve it. Hopefully in the next few days, the feelings will wear off a bit - but I'm left with additional pain I didn't have when I went and that makes it harder.

I can’t understand how people can be so uncaring and insensitive. I’d like to say try not to overthink it ( a phrase that my physio recently used and which I’m trying to adhere to) but, to be honest I’d be feeling exactly the same.

Yes your husband had a more positive experience and enjoyed his evening- unfair for you but not his intention most likely. Initially that coloured his view and initially he did not understand your experience.

But now he does realise how awful it was for you. He also does now know you would not accept that you be left alone to be treated badly ever again on the occasions you socialise as a couple. When you socialise as a couple you look out for each other and check in with each other to see everything ok- particularly in your circumstances.

It's really difficult to stop ruminating and going over a bad experience when it hurt so much I know. But, thank goodness that evening is over. The main thing is to stop it happening again. That set of people won't divide you again because you won't be attending as a couple. Personally I wouldn't stop your husband going to see his friends, to lessen the potential of him feeling stifled or missing out. Plus, hopefully he won't want to repeat his mistakes again. The novelty of going on his own to visit friends who continue to show no interest in his lovely wife will no doubt soon wear off anyway, particularly if you are at home, planning nice things and treats for yourself. As you point out he was not all that keen to go in the first place.

There is no excuse for how those friends treated you but that's their problem. Heaven help themselves or any of their loved ones if they ever develop mobility or any other independence limiting issues- becomes increasingly common as we age for one reason or another.

You come across as a thoughtful empathic person- not everyone is. You come across as a thoughtful loving wife, trying to help your husband adapt to his retirement. He's lucky to have such a thoughtful wife. Retirement takes time to adjust for both of you.

I'm glad you've talked to him and he knows what a horrible experience it was for you gentleshores.

How awful. I hope the host, your OH and other guests who disregarded you reflect on how appallingly you were treated.

I have. I've just been talking to him again now saying that moment keeps going round in my head and it was awful. He said he didn't realise it had been so bad for me. And yes he should have been more attentive. I think it was a bit bizarre in that it was like we had gone back a few years to before I was disabled, and he "forgot" in the moment and thought I'd just be chatting to people. And it's true the room I was in was extremely crowded and there was nowhere for him to sit, but he just got chatting to someone in another room until there was more space. But I couldn't just get up and go and find him. Had to phone him in the end. He said he didn't realise the hostess hadn't spoken to me at all from the moment I arrived. I think that was the worst thing. I just felt invisible from the moment I arrived. But more than invisible - just completely irrelevant and ignored. And it is like a little picture going round in my head. If I could get up and distract myself it might not be so bad but I've had a pain flare up now after overdoing it. I've had the odd bad experience this year with being disabled but the difference was it was strangers - Dr, ambulance people whatever, and I could write a complaint and make a fuss. These were people we know. I just think there is no excuse whatsoever, to not at least say hello and welcome someone.

How awful for you! To me your host was exceptionally rude and uncaring..also why did yoyr husband go to another room and just leave you on your own with strangers...I would be having 'words' with him as for giving you a stool!😠😩😢 and not introducing you to anyone or asking what you would like to drink is just plain bad manners and sheer ignorance! I so feel for you...What an unfeeling self centred selfish host..I defo would never go there again and speak toyour husband about his behaviour and how it made you,his wife, feel! Take care x

What a horrible experience! I would definitely not have anything more to do with those thoughtless people. I am surprised that you had such little support from everyone concerned.

I would never behave like that to any guest in my home and I would make sure in advance, they had no worries and everything they needed. And yes I can now clearly see these are not the kind of people I want to socialise with. But suddenly it was like they were OH's friends from before he knew me - as if I didn't exist any more. I'm still shocked.

LemonJam

What a horrible, horrible experience for you gentleshores. You now know that these people are not your friends and I wouldn't want to go to their home again. If your husband still views them as friends let them visit them himself, alone.

What a shame also he did not support you during the evening. You need to have a talk together so he can understand how the evening was for you and to work out ways to socialise as a couple in the future so your experience is never repeated.

Thank you. I'm still feeling upset about it. And I've had a flare up of pain as well which makes everything worse. I made such a huge effort and overdid it. OH has been very nice and apologised. But - the fact is he had a pleasant experience and was left with a warm feeling, and I was left feeling traumatised. I can't stop thinking about this woman and the moment we arrived and being excluded. I now think it's very awkward - as he sees them as friends (and was treated warmly and welcomed). So no I don't want anything to do with them again, and I want OH to understand and I don't think he will - because his experience was different. It feels like it's changed things. I had been making plans for the changes in our lives now he's retired, and got him a voucher for a new activity for Christmas thinking it would help him adjust to retirement and give him a new interest. We were a couple/family negotiating these changes together. And now it feels like someone has made things divisive between us. I'm worried that now we've seen these people, he will keep being invited to things on his own and mess up my life. It's absolutely horrible thinking that people sympathise with him over having a "burden". I don't see myself as a burden. We were negotiating things as a couple. But it was like he was seduced into only thinking about himself. I'm usually confident and organising our family as before, despite not being very mobile, and felt valued. I don't know how to get things back how they were before. He has a happy memory and I have a horrible one. The irony is he was the one who didn't really want to go. I persuaded him it would be good for us to go and socialise.

I second your opinion Bluebell. I am fuming on behalf of the poster what rude ignorant people ..ugh

What a horrible, horrible experience for you gentleshores. You now know that these people are not your friends and I wouldn't want to go to their home again. If your husband still views them as friends let them visit them himself, alone.

What a shame also he did not support you during the evening. You need to have a talk together so he can understand how the evening was for you and to work out ways to socialise as a couple in the future so your experience is never repeated.

With friends like that, you certainly do not need enemies.

Your experience was horrible, but unfortunately, I have heard a lot of people who either are in wheel-chairs or using mobility scooters being treated like this.

I doubt that these "friends" would see the error of their ways if you did mention how intorable their behaviour was, but you will need to have as calm a discussion as you can manage with your husband. Unless, that is, you know that shouting at him will be more effective.

He could and should have found you a chair in whichever room he was in, and helped you to it, or simply asked you if you would prefer to go home. Had he been my husband or any other relative, I would have expected him to tell his friend exactly how rude he was being and then to have helped you out to the car and driven home.

I won't.

What everyone else says plus the fact you should have had a chair not a stool to sit on all night.
I would have been furious with both the hosts and your DH tbh Never go there again.

Thank you all - for understanding. And yes it was a bit of a double whammy but the main and initial thing was being completely ignored/blanked at arrival and then left alone. OH was there with me initially and got me a drink at the start, but had this strange reaction as if he had gone back 6 years pre-pandemic and everything was as then - ie he "forgot" but also got distracted and over excited it seems with being "out of the house". I am fairly organised at home and not completely dependent on him, but we are both there all the time and he does do things for me usually. I did start to feel like a lemon and a spare part.

@Astitchintime - that was the plan originally - I had invited them here and we were supposed to be discussing that while we were there. It wasn't till not long before we left that she came over to speak to me and it was mentioned them coming over here. I just said - well we're there all the time, so maybe you could let me know an evening that's convenient for you. Which perhaps was a bit rude of me not making a firm date, and leaving the ball in their court, but I'd had enough and to be honest, I'm not sure I want to see them again. I'm learning that some people just either deny or can't handle, what has happened to you when they used to see you as fit and active.

It was too much for me without proper conversation in advance but that seemed to get blocked when I texted about seating as no response. As I say, I think the "no response" was a suggestion that they had assumed I wouldn't be able to come and only OH. I was slightly worried about the no response before we went, and that didn't help at all - maybe that was intended to put me off. But I'm not a mind reader. So to have that and then be left completely ignored on arrival and having to do the difficult thing of trying to walk a short distance, because I had been too considerate and not brought a wheelchair into the house. That was the conversation that should have happened. Maybe it was too awkward for them so they avoided it by text. And yes it was a real smack in the face not to even be acknowledged - when we had brought gifts! Which only OH got the credit for. It really doesn't take much just to smile and say hello does it? Neither does it take much to send a short text saying "no problem". To reassure you in advance about the seating. I just think my situation now has revealed what some people are like. OH normally is attentive when it's just the two of us go out, but he also knows I'm quite independent when we normally go out, but that's because I'm usually on my scooter in accessible places!