Help - ignored

I'm sorry you had such an unpleasant experience. It seems strange but many people feel awkward around someone who is disabled. They are afraid of saying the wrong thing and decide it's better to just ignore the person.

What a horrible experience. Yes new friends should be your aim now.
These people don't seem like good friends at all and it sounded like too many people for it to have been at all an easy occasion for you.

Your DH doesn't sound supportive on this occasion either. Is he normally more caring?

Try and put an awful day behind you and concentrate on developing friendships where you would be more welcome.

I would be more worried about my partners lack of care. Your hosts behaved badly and I would not bother with them again but your husband just to leave you like that on your own is worrying. In future only go to places that although he is there you can manage if he wasn’t. You must feel very humiliated by the evening but you got through it and must ensure it doesn't happen again,

I think I would have rung for a taxi after the first hour and double locked the front door when I got in
Let him sleep in the car

Your partner and his friends were very uncaring and not supportive. I would not put myself in that situation again as it’s totally demoralising. I would also be having a conversation with your partner about his conduct in future.

I find that extraordinary. My mobility is poor but people can't do enough to help me and make sure I am included.
I am sorry you had this experience, but don't give up ... not everyone is like this.

I also have mobility problems so I do have similar experience to the OP. It’s almost as though we’re issued with an invisibility cloak as our ability to move independently declines…….hence we just don’t get seen, for want of a better definition.

Personally, I no longer visit DP family as they all have either unruly dogs or children, or both.

We visited one relative a few years ago and a child was asked to ‘budge up and let me sit down’ by their parent, this request was met with grunts, huffing & puffing, eye rolling…….etc. When I did finally manage to get a seat I was joined by a very large, excitable labrador……..because that was where he normally snoozed!

Since my disability has taken hold I have been more aware of how public places are not well equipped for those with poor mobility and people’s attitude to the same. All this despite it being a legal responsibility to make changes and adjustments !

All too often I attend appointments only to find the seating in the waiting areas is far too low or chairs have no arms to aid the user to sit and stand independently. I make a point of raising issue in these cases and all too often the staff admit “we hadn’t thought of that”! But the bloody well should ‘think of that’!!!!

Gentleshores, in your situation I would be inclined to invite those people to your home to let them see for themselves how you manage, cope, live, address each and every task.

The hosts were rude without a doubt by not acknowledging you, but I’d be more upset by the behaviour of your OH if I were you.
Was this his normal way of treating you?

This was incredibly rude and ignorant of those around you. It just goes to show what sort of people they really. I am horrified for you and fully appreciate how unpleasant it must have been. There are no excuses for this type of behaviour. The host should have at least put the stool somewhere central for you and taken time to ensure that you were catered for. Maybe one day the host will need to navigate life themselves and be treated as they treat you.

How horrible for you - I’m so sorry. But your dh was very remiss in abandoning you like that! I’d be having serious Words with him!

I am just so sad and also angry that you had to experience such an awful evening.
The host and others seem to be very rude. Not to have even offered you a drink - just appalling behaviour.

Why wasn't your husband more attentive?
As others have suggested - have a good 'chat' with him!

Sorry to hear that - both about your husbands attitude and that of the gathering generally. Both sound like they were pretty thoughtless.

Not all social gatherings are like that - some will cater (though admitted - it won't be all). I went to a pretty large communal one the other day and hadnt clicked why we'd all been put elsewhere. Reason being the lift to where we were supposed to hold it had stopped working (again!) and we'd all been seated downstairs instead - because it was realised some people wouldnt be able to walk up the stairs (first floor location). I hadnt clicked to that - until it struck me belatedly that the person on their own I'd gone to sit next to had to use one of those "walkers" to get around and it was parked up behind her. Hadn't occurred to me she was less "mobile" until I saw her get up to leave finally.

So it won't have an "ability bar" up in some places - as sometimes this will have been thought about and catered for in advance. So don't go giving up on the idea of going out - it may just be that sometimes you'll have to make enquiries in advance whether it's suitably organised for everyone. I'd be taking the view personally "People with children often ask for things to be arranged to suit them - so I'll just approach it in the same confident 'tone of voice' to ask for things to be arranged to suit us".

I was shocked and horrified when I read your OP gentleshores especially by the behaviour of your OH. No ones behaviour was in any way acceptable but IMO his was worse of all.

Thank you all - for understanding. And yes it was a bit of a double whammy but the main and initial thing was being completely ignored/blanked at arrival and then left alone. OH was there with me initially and got me a drink at the start, but had this strange reaction as if he had gone back 6 years pre-pandemic and everything was as then - ie he "forgot" but also got distracted and over excited it seems with being "out of the house". I am fairly organised at home and not completely dependent on him, but we are both there all the time and he does do things for me usually. I did start to feel like a lemon and a spare part.

@Astitchintime - that was the plan originally - I had invited them here and we were supposed to be discussing that while we were there. It wasn't till not long before we left that she came over to speak to me and it was mentioned them coming over here. I just said - well we're there all the time, so maybe you could let me know an evening that's convenient for you. Which perhaps was a bit rude of me not making a firm date, and leaving the ball in their court, but I'd had enough and to be honest, I'm not sure I want to see them again. I'm learning that some people just either deny or can't handle, what has happened to you when they used to see you as fit and active.

It was too much for me without proper conversation in advance but that seemed to get blocked when I texted about seating as no response. As I say, I think the "no response" was a suggestion that they had assumed I wouldn't be able to come and only OH. I was slightly worried about the no response before we went, and that didn't help at all - maybe that was intended to put me off. But I'm not a mind reader. So to have that and then be left completely ignored on arrival and having to do the difficult thing of trying to walk a short distance, because I had been too considerate and not brought a wheelchair into the house. That was the conversation that should have happened. Maybe it was too awkward for them so they avoided it by text. And yes it was a real smack in the face not to even be acknowledged - when we had brought gifts! Which only OH got the credit for. It really doesn't take much just to smile and say hello does it? Neither does it take much to send a short text saying "no problem". To reassure you in advance about the seating. I just think my situation now has revealed what some people are like. OH normally is attentive when it's just the two of us go out, but he also knows I'm quite independent when we normally go out, but that's because I'm usually on my scooter in accessible places!

What everyone else says plus the fact you should have had a chair not a stool to sit on all night.
I would have been furious with both the hosts and your DH tbh Never go there again.

I won't.

With friends like that, you certainly do not need enemies.

Your experience was horrible, but unfortunately, I have heard a lot of people who either are in wheel-chairs or using mobility scooters being treated like this.

I doubt that these "friends" would see the error of their ways if you did mention how intorable their behaviour was, but you will need to have as calm a discussion as you can manage with your husband. Unless, that is, you know that shouting at him will be more effective.

He could and should have found you a chair in whichever room he was in, and helped you to it, or simply asked you if you would prefer to go home. Had he been my husband or any other relative, I would have expected him to tell his friend exactly how rude he was being and then to have helped you out to the car and driven home.

What a horrible, horrible experience for you gentleshores. You now know that these people are not your friends and I wouldn't want to go to their home again. If your husband still views them as friends let them visit them himself, alone.

What a shame also he did not support you during the evening. You need to have a talk together so he can understand how the evening was for you and to work out ways to socialise as a couple in the future so your experience is never repeated.

I second your opinion Bluebell. I am fuming on behalf of the poster what rude ignorant people ..ugh

LemonJam

What a horrible, horrible experience for you gentleshores. You now know that these people are not your friends and I wouldn't want to go to their home again. If your husband still views them as friends let them visit them himself, alone.

What a shame also he did not support you during the evening. You need to have a talk together so he can understand how the evening was for you and to work out ways to socialise as a couple in the future so your experience is never repeated.

Thank you. I'm still feeling upset about it. And I've had a flare up of pain as well which makes everything worse. I made such a huge effort and overdid it. OH has been very nice and apologised. But - the fact is he had a pleasant experience and was left with a warm feeling, and I was left feeling traumatised. I can't stop thinking about this woman and the moment we arrived and being excluded. I now think it's very awkward - as he sees them as friends (and was treated warmly and welcomed). So no I don't want anything to do with them again, and I want OH to understand and I don't think he will - because his experience was different. It feels like it's changed things. I had been making plans for the changes in our lives now he's retired, and got him a voucher for a new activity for Christmas thinking it would help him adjust to retirement and give him a new interest. We were a couple/family negotiating these changes together. And now it feels like someone has made things divisive between us. I'm worried that now we've seen these people, he will keep being invited to things on his own and mess up my life. It's absolutely horrible thinking that people sympathise with him over having a "burden". I don't see myself as a burden. We were negotiating things as a couple. But it was like he was seduced into only thinking about himself. I'm usually confident and organising our family as before, despite not being very mobile, and felt valued. I don't know how to get things back how they were before. He has a happy memory and I have a horrible one. The irony is he was the one who didn't really want to go. I persuaded him it would be good for us to go and socialise.

I would never behave like that to any guest in my home and I would make sure in advance, they had no worries and everything they needed. And yes I can now clearly see these are not the kind of people I want to socialise with. But suddenly it was like they were OH's friends from before he knew me - as if I didn't exist any more. I'm still shocked.

What a horrible experience! I would definitely not have anything more to do with those thoughtless people. I am surprised that you had such little support from everyone concerned.

How awful for you! To me your host was exceptionally rude and uncaring..also why did yoyr husband go to another room and just leave you on your own with strangers...I would be having 'words' with him as for giving you a stool!😠😩😢 and not introducing you to anyone or asking what you would like to drink is just plain bad manners and sheer ignorance! I so feel for you...What an unfeeling self centred selfish host..I defo would never go there again and speak toyour husband about his behaviour and how it made you,his wife, feel! Take care x

I have. I've just been talking to him again now saying that moment keeps going round in my head and it was awful. He said he didn't realise it had been so bad for me. And yes he should have been more attentive. I think it was a bit bizarre in that it was like we had gone back a few years to before I was disabled, and he "forgot" in the moment and thought I'd just be chatting to people. And it's true the room I was in was extremely crowded and there was nowhere for him to sit, but he just got chatting to someone in another room until there was more space. But I couldn't just get up and go and find him. Had to phone him in the end. He said he didn't realise the hostess hadn't spoken to me at all from the moment I arrived. I think that was the worst thing. I just felt invisible from the moment I arrived. But more than invisible - just completely irrelevant and ignored. And it is like a little picture going round in my head. If I could get up and distract myself it might not be so bad but I've had a pain flare up now after overdoing it. I've had the odd bad experience this year with being disabled but the difference was it was strangers - Dr, ambulance people whatever, and I could write a complaint and make a fuss. These were people we know. I just think there is no excuse whatsoever, to not at least say hello and welcome someone.