Dilemma

My son said to me “Mum, are you going a bit deaf? You’re missing things”. I knew my hearing wasn’t good, but hadn’t realised it was so obvious. I wasn’t a bit offended, and I don’t think I would have been if a friend had said it, either.

I also have to ask people to repeat themselves.

I have tried hearing aids in the past but I couldn’t get on with them.
I had a job getting then into my ears and also getting them to stay in my ears. The blasted things kept falling out.
After one incident when at a restaurant, one of them fell out under the table and I was scrabbling around trying to find it.

I gave up after that. I know I should’ve persevered, but I just haven’t got the patience.

I think you'd be doing her a favour if you gently mention it. As others have said, perhaps say that you're going to get your hearing tested and see if she wants to join you. It may be that she either has an ear infection or has ears blocked with wax. She may not actually need a hearing aid but if she has no one at home to say it to her, I think you are just being caring if you try to broach the subject.

Loss of hearing is not restricted to the elderly! I've been wearing hearing aids since I was in my late 40s. It wasn't until I wore them that I realised how bad my hearing was. The world became a much easier place to navigate. They also helped with my tinnitus.

Having paid for expensive private aids, I now wear NHS ones which are bluetooth so phones etc go straight into my ear. Simply amazing!!! Saying something could make a huge difference to your friend's life if she does in fact need aids.

By the way, if you wear aids, private or NHS, you are entitled to a Disabled Person's Railcard which gives you 1/3 off fares and the same applies to one person travelling with you. Also not restricted to off peak trains etc. There has to be a silver lining .

Hope that helps.

Please be patient. I know I have hearing loss, tried nhs aids, paid 2k for private and still miss a lot of what is said in a group situation or with background noise. I hate feeling a nuisance asking people to repeat. It certainly isn’t an affectation and can be very isolating and depressing. Hearing aids do not make everything ok.

I have a very indiscreet friend and whenever we used to meet she said 'have you brought your ear trumpet?' I found it rude but I did go for a hearing test and now have hearing aids.

People who are losing their hearing need to be told they should be tested.
Not hearing properly is a huge handicap and often people need pushing to get tested as for some strange reason they see poor hearing as shameful.
It is not.
Anyone finally getting hearing aids with bless the person who persuades them to start the process.

grannymo123

Please be patient. I know I have hearing loss, tried nhs aids, paid 2k for private and still miss a lot of what is said in a group situation or with background noise. I hate feeling a nuisance asking people to repeat. It certainly isn’t an affectation and can be very isolating and depressing. Hearing aids do not make everything ok.

It is hard to ask, but I've found most people accommodating and quite kind x

Yes you should mention it. I had this conversation with a lady who I volunteer with. Not a close friend. She was defensive and irritated. A month later with hearing aids in place she thanked me for being brave enough to raise it with her. She was pretending to herself there was no problem, but my comment prompted her to get tested. There is a link between poor hearing and dementia so for that reason alone its worth raising it, in my opinion. I just came out with it along the lines of - I hope you dont mind me saying, but you dont always seem to catch what I am saying.

Bear in mind too how good any tester is. When I had a problem years back it was just a case of wax removal from my ears by the doctor = job done.

So I started by "sigh and I'll have to pay in 2020/21 for that". Paid/had a row with the awful guy concerned. Went to a normal 2nd person. Wax cleared out properly and no arguments. But still deaf in left ear.

The thing I would say as a precautionary measure is "Careful who you go to for a hearing test". I went after Lockdown had stopped and had two little girlies in an audiology department of Boots - and won't be going back there again and they told me it was age that was the problem. I did not think so.

But there was a special offer on of free test by proper middle-aged male audiologist at a glasses place. He knew what he was doing and at least I got the reassurance that it was not age at all (so at least I don't have to worry it will get worse - because "age"). He was quite clear it was an odd sort of hearing loss and had very probably been caused by a virus - and not my age.

So - at least there was reassurance it shouldnt get worse and that may be what your friend fears - ie age causing it and maybe increasing age might make it worse again.

If she's like me = she won't wear a hearing aid anyway - some people won't (especially women). But - there is at least one optician that now does glasses that incorporate invisible hearing aids on the inside of both arms and no-one could spot a hearing aid is being worn. It's early days for them at the moment - and so the range is limited, the cost is high (think it's about £800 for a pair) and the batteries have to be recharged after only a matter of hours basically (think it's 8 hours??). I anticipate they should rapidly improve those hearing glasses and maybe a year or two time they'll have a bigger range to choose from/longer-lasting batteries/lower price).

The other thing is lip-reading. I've found out I'm pretty okay at lip-reading personally - and I've not even learnt it. So I manage pretty well - except for women with "little girlie" voices put on (and reminding myself that apparently a noticeable proportion of women with those voices had a "less than desirable childhood" shall we put it and that's why they're speaking like that) and there are some other people I can't watch - because as a group a lot of them speak indistinctly.

So check out to see if there's any signs she knows what some people are saying - but not others - and chances are she's lip-reading and hasn't even realised she is. The test for that is getting her to watch YouTube videos and switch the sound off when it's a videomaker that looks as if they speak in a clear voice and see if she knows what they are saying - despite not hearing any sound. That's how I realised I'd obviously picked up a degree of lip-reading without even trying - but it has to be people who speak clearly and well and I'm fine with that.

I went to a social group that was run by a lady who was very deaf. It really became impossible to communicate with her short of shouting. I left in the end because it was so frustrating. You couldn't even say anything simple like: Brrr, it's cold today. She would keep asking you to repeat it.

My mum would never admit her hearing was going. After a fall which she ended in hospital. On visiting her she proudly announced that the nurse had checked her hearing several times that day & was told everything was ok. I had to tell her that they were checking her temperature not her hearing 😂

There is a friend in our school group who obviously struggles my friend asked her if she was having trouble and told her about her own husbands journey She now has hearing aids No offence was meant or taken

Does she wear specs? Perhaps mention you are going for a free hearing test at your opticians.

I had a leaflet through the door, so perhaps you could pick one up and put it through hers

I have just had a hearing test, and was told I need hearing aids. I get them in January. I really can't understand why people are embarrassed and reluctant to admit they have trouble hearing. I knew something was wrong when I thought people on TV were mumbling. Realised it was me and not the TV, when DH could hear them clearly and assured me they weren't mumbling! I wouldn't have been at all embarrassed if someone else had suggested that I was having trouble hearing, I don't view it as something to be ashamed of!

Good hearing aids help with clarity as well as volume, you are in for a treat.

There still seems to be a peculiar stigma. I'm doing my best to break this down by telling my friends that I'm wearing them and saying how much better I can hear now. I also stress how important it is to get them at the right time so the brain adapts to using them. Modern hearing aids are excellent. I wear the cheapest entry level NHS ones and they are fine for me. No one even notices I'm wearing them unless I tell them or if I accidentally detach one removing my glasses. Which seems to be the only downside.

Didn't know that, about the brain having to adapt. Makes sense, though.
Lots of great suggestions. Hope one of them works for you and your friend.

Thanks. My hearing is actually OK. It's my friend I'm concerned about. If I was worried about my own hearing I'd take action. It's too important not to.

Aw - I really do hope you can find the right words. it will make such a difference to her life.

There still seems to be a peculiar stigma. I'm doing my best to break this down by telling my friends that I'm wearing them and saying how much better I can hear now

I am seeing an increasing number of people with hearing aids.
Many are in their 60s.

I can easily see them, so not sure how others cannot?

I too have tinnitus in my right ear which started over twenty years ago.
Unfortunately I was told that there was nothing I could do to
get rid of it but just get used to it.
Music from my headphones does help, but during quit times it is intrusive.

I have fairly thick chin length hair which covers my ears, even if I tuck it behind my ears my HAs are difficult to see. However, if someone has very short hair, or it is very thin I think they can be noticeable. But hey, does anyone mind being seen in glasses? This is all part of the stigma.

The only problem with people seeing your hearing aids is that they then shout at you🤣

foxie48

I have fairly thick chin length hair which covers my ears, even if I tuck it behind my ears my HAs are difficult to see. However, if someone has very short hair, or it is very thin I think they can be noticeable. But hey, does anyone mind being seen in glasses? This is all part of the stigma.

Errrm....yep....actually to minding being seen in glasses. Though it's not such a thing now the looks have gone (darn it!) and styles are chosen to look fashionable and/or "academic on the loose" (though nope I'm not) in order to make the best of having to wear them.

I'd say we're in the hardest to deal with sex re deafness - as it's the sex where a noticeable number of people have "soft/girly" voices and they are more difficult to hear. So there's no problem hearing men - but hearing some women can be challenging. I did a quick research recently on why some women speak that way - and it was quite a high proportion of those "girly" voices have had "problems imposed on them - like sexual approaches when still children". It was around 50% of women speaking like that that have had those problems!!!! and it was/is done as a protective mechanism for them. I still switch away from YouTube channels where it's a woman speaking that way - and they never put up subtitles for people to read instead. I think "If they cant be bothered (though they must know when they're speaking in one of those soft girly voices) - then nor can I" and I can hear someone okay if they're speaking in a normal voice or are male - and hence I'm certainly not at a "get hearing aids" stage.

Fortunately it's now the case that I can only think of one soft-voiced woman that I know now - and it's someone I rarely come across. When she was saying something to a group she was leading a couple of times I just resigned myself to thinking "I've mentioned I can't hear her" (ie because she only ever spoke "soft and low" regardless) and then left it at that and just had no idea what she was saying. So getting hearing aids is something I wouldnt consider getting for "soft-voiced women" as it's a problem I rarely encounter. If I start having problems hearing men or normal voice women then it would be considered.

So maybe if people think "This friend should get a hearing aid" investigate how wide a range of people they can't hear properly and if they're struggling hearing most people = then it is a hearing aid issue". I'd certainly know if a friend needed a hearing aid if they couldnt hear me for instance - as I have a normal volume/clear voice without an accent and so anyone should be able to hear me clearly and, if they can't = hearing aid time.