Feeling guilty

Her husband died last summer after a long and difficult illness. She doesn't talk about him much, more about herself and how she's feeling. I'm hoping the bereavement group provides more appropriate support than I can.
I was struck when another poster pointed out that she's a relatively new friend for me and she may always have been like this. Good point.

One can only imagine her pain. Talking over and over again is truly important and cathartic. Listening is a skill. It is going to happen to us all at some point to be widowed or a widower. I used to Volunteer for Cruse but they are now overwhelmed. You could suggest that to her ??? No one ever knows what panther is thinking. It's a truly truly amazingly kind thing you are doing.

Some people find talking lets it all out. Counselling doesn’t necessarily help because you are told to talk about things and not bottle it up. It’s a hard one because I talk too much but only when asked. I care about other people’s feelings and how they are and talk about their lives. Don’t judge her. Yes think about yourself. Life’s hard work and give people a break. You don’t know how completely ignoring someone because you don’t want to hear it affects people. There’s a lot of people who never are your true friends. That’s why there is so much loneliness in this world

Sorry just read your post above. That's good. And yes it is Cruse Bereavment
The actually talking out loud to a designated person maybe helpful rather than just writing only as when writing, we get more into 'I had that' 'I was like this or that too'. Both had its merits.

Aveline Just for clarification, how long ago did her husband die? You said it was last year but, technically, that's less than three weeks ago...

Maybe try a kind silence when she outputs rather than trying to respond
Then maybe say I'm sorry I don't kmow what to say but I feel for you ..... I think slowing it down will give her head space to maybe recognise what's happening
Or, 'is there anything I can do or say to help your grief'
Get number for bereavement councilling. I think Cruise is one L
I do understand. Iv been a bit vocal with ptsd it's left me with guilt. But found out my true friends

The good news is that she has now found a bereavement group for ladies. I'm hoping that she gets what help she needs from that although it's hard to know what that might be. At least it's a good forum for her to meet others in the same boat.
I'll keep going in the classes and maybe go for coffee afterwards once a week and see how that goes.

I have a friend like that. After her bereavement she would ring sometimes late at night and talk about it for hours.
I felt that I was doing my bit as a friend and letting her unburden herself. It took a while but she has recovered enough to discuss other things now so glad I was patient.

She has since patiently listened to me when I had an upsetting problem.

I have been that lady.
Now, looking back after 15 years I wish someone had helped me not to 'wallow'. That's not the right word but you get my meaning?
The idea to schedule your grieving time is good.
It's a terrible period, and she may have lost a lot of her interests and mojo during his long illness.
I would suggest, if you want to stay friends, suggest outings where there other topics will naturally arise.
Let her sometimes talk about it. The first and second years are horrible; especially the second year, in my experience, is even worse.

Or encourage her to go to her GP as she may be grieving or she may have become depressed.
Suggest local support centers that do activities?

It's difficult for both of you. She needs help to live again when, sometimes, she won't know how to, or admitting she wants to can feel disloyal.
So many friends disappear after bereavement.
I think you have to honestly ask yourself if you are, underneath it all, good enough friends that you really want to be there for the long-haul.

RosiesMaw...talking about the departed is the one way she has of keeping him alive, those who have not been in that sad situation may not “get it”

100% correct. Talking about her own feelings too is foremost in her mind, for now.
It took me well into 2nd year before I could see the wood for the trees...
Best you drop being friends if that's how you feel.

I am sure she needs to talk about things right now, but that can be very wearing on the person they choose to listen.It does seem like she needs a counsellor for that.Maybe after a few weeks into councelling she will be a bit 'lighter' & ready to enjoy a friendship.

Yes maybe suggest,gently, the proffessional councelling?- if she cant afford privately could she ask her Doctor if they could arrange anything on NHS? Just explain to her you really dont think you're qualified for the kind of help she needs at this stage, but that you're happy to help her find a counsellor, or just have a coffee once a week after class, so long as you dont have to give advice,as you arent qualified to.& i would stick to once a week and other days leave straight after class, saying you have things to do.Can you not arrange privately(without the 'clingy' friend hearing) with those other ladies to meet them separately from your other friend? Maybe take their phone numbers to arrange that?

You do say she’s a nice lady and maybe this is her way of processing her grief. Nevertheless you can only take so much. I think I’d miss out on one or two coffee sessions so I didn’t listen to so much in each week. Also, mention my own worries, interrupting her if necessary, so that she can see she’s not the only one suffering. And strongly suggest she thinks about some therapy support if she’s feeling that awful. One thing I’ve heard of that seems to help is to schedule your ‘grieving time’ and outside of these set times each day, you try hard to put on a brave face and be cheerful. She might want to consider that. There’s only so much you can give to someone like this and if she’s a new friend, maybe consider also, that she was naturally a very negative person even before her bereavement. This may give you a different perspective.

Oddly enough I have a friend who’s DH died a year ago, and I try and mention him ( as we knew him, and he was a really nice guy) which my friend appreciates, as often friends try to deliberately not mention him for fear of invoking tears.
But she doesn’t mention how she’s feeling at all and doesn’t appear miserable in company.I wouldn’t mind at all if she did of course.She has joined several interest groups and seems ok but maybe that’s what works for her.

Aveline

Thanks all. This lady doesn't talk about her late husband. She talks about how she is feeling all the time. She does go out and about a lot. It's not just this class that she goes to. Maws suggestion about going to different places is a good one. I've found all sorts of local activities and made suggestions but we always come round to how she's feeling. It's great when others join us and talk about what they've been up to but she will interrupt and get back to herself. It feels quite rude at times. Och she's a poor soul. I'll just have to put up with it and try to avoid my impulse to avoid her.

Put a limit on these sessions Aveline for your own well being.

You might try a direct approach. As soon as you meet up,
you say " Nice to see a friendly face, I 've been feeling really down and need cheering up ; shall we (take a walk/go to the library/ feed the ducks Some limited -time activity)

But the moment she starts offloading woe you jump in and say " Sorry, like I said today I 've got my own worries. I need something to make me smile.

and if she carries on about herself , you ruthlessly interrupt mid sentence and say " Linda, I've got such a headache and
I'm just going to go home on my own right now."

My husband died 3 years ago and I was struggling in the months after his death And I was aware that I couldn’t keep burdening friends and family with my problems, I joined an online widows group and was put in touch with a lady who lived locally in the same situation.
We met a few times and she bombarded me with messages day and night. It was very much a one way street, aswell as her grief she had financial problems with his family and wanted my help and support. I just couldn’t give it so had to say I wasn’t emotionally in a good place to help her or be her friend.
She didn’t take it well. But I was surprised to hear about 6 months after her husband died she had moved to Tenerife to live with a man she met on holiday. So I stopped feeling guilty.
Sometimes you have to think of your own mental wellbeing.

I was going to suggest you introduce her to Cruse or another bereavement counselling.
It wasn't for me when DH died but some find great comfort.

You shouldn't feel guilty.

My friends and acquaintances were good to me but I didn't depend on just one.

It’s hard, I have a good friend who banged on about her ex husband incessantly, she really could not talk about anything else.
It was exhausting.
She got some counselling, it worked.

It's very difficult when you're a kind person, but after a while you feel you're just a cardboard cut out to this lady. You feel used after a while.

It's difficult as she's going through a difficult time, but friendships aren't one way. It may not be fifty fifty all the time, but it has to be mutual support.

There will be a time when you just know.

GoodAfternoonTea

Lathyrus3

So you leant in them for ten years and they supported you.

But when they needed you, the answer was no.

Ho hum🙄

Don't judge other people! I had a complete breakdown after my parents died and could not cope with the friends' demands which were too much for me. I was under a psychiatrist. I hope you are never in a position where someone judges you! Here go I but for the grace.............

Think I was just looking at it through their eyes.

We get quite a lot of posters on Gransnet along the lines of “I supported her for years through all her troubles and now that I am in need she doesn’t want to know.”

I guess they didn’t realise that you didn’t see it as reciprocal.

GoodAfternoonTea

Lathyrus3

So you leant in them for ten years and they supported you.

But when they needed you, the answer was no.

Ho hum🙄

Don't judge other people! I had a complete breakdown after my parents died and could not cope with the friends' demands which were too much for me. I was under a psychiatrist. I hope you are never in a position where someone judges you! Here go I but for the grace.............

It may have been theraputic for her to talk about other matters for a while, too. Drawn her out of the grip of her unhappiness.

I am a full time carer for my DH, I do get lonely, so whenever I manage to get someone to sit with my husband and I see a friend for coffee I could be very well guilty of talking about myself and how I feel when usually all I talk about is my husband’s health.
So don’t really know what to suggest. Your friend is probably lonely and has nobody to talk to about how she feels.
Maybe give her a little of your time then say goodbye till next time.

Lathyrus3

So you leant in them for ten years and they supported you.

But when they needed you, the answer was no.

Ho hum🙄

Don't judge other people! I had a complete breakdown after my parents died and could not cope with the friends' demands which were too much for me. I was under a psychiatrist. I hope you are never in a position where someone judges you! Here go I but for the grace.............

when my youngest child (son) died at the age of 25 (this was over twenty years ago.) all I wanted to do was to talk to people about him and my feelings.
A week after he died a committee meeting (for which I was Secretary) and had been postponed from the previous week dur to me not being able to attend, was re-arranged. The night before one of my friends on it telephone me to make sure I was going.

I told her that I did not think so, as I was existing in a different world to everyone else, and was turning into the worlds greatest bore as all I wanted to do was talk about my son.

After a pause, she replied to me saying 'Come along and bore us'.
One of the nicest thing anybody every said.

In early days (and with someone very close and deeply loved - early can mean at least the whole of the first year, often plus some), it is part of the dealing with grief process to want to talk endlessly about the loved one and how that death is effecting them. Need to give grief a long time.