Feeling guilty

I was that friend. When my husband left, that’s all I would talk about. I had a few good friends, on who I would offload.
One particular friend, who was divorced, got fed up of this, and gradually , her calls got fewer and far between, until she stopped calling and stopped answering her phone. I got the message, so didn’t call her again.

I wonder if I was that person too after Paw died, one’s perspective just changes.
Don’t withdraw your support but look for alternatives to coffee- fuelled heart to hearts.
Maybe a trip to the cinema, (not a “weepie” film) or to a shopping centre or a gallery maybe in another town/city.
Something to give you something else to focus on.
Also, ration your time in as tactful way as you can. Maybe rope in another sympathetic friend. Loneliness after losing your life partner can be crippling.
I was once told off on GN for “going on “ about Paw in my grief, that was harsh and hurt, only compounding my misery, loneliness and isolation.

I feel for you Aveline, as this is a relatively new friendship I don't think you have an obligation to put yourself through any guilty feelings at all. Going to a class/ socialising is not the place to pour out grief and is often very disturbing for others who are in difficult circumstances too. I think I'd try to gently get her to see that counselling at this stage would be a better way forward whilst letting her know that I hadn't capacity to give her this level of support. Take care Aveline x

Just adding - talking about the departed is the one way she has of keeping him alive, those who have not been in that sad situation may not “get it”.

Thanks all. This lady doesn't talk about her late husband. She talks about how she is feeling all the time. She does go out and about a lot. It's not just this class that she goes to. Maws suggestion about going to different places is a good one. I've found all sorts of local activities and made suggestions but we always come round to how she's feeling. It's great when others join us and talk about what they've been up to but she will interrupt and get back to herself. It feels quite rude at times. Och she's a poor soul. I'll just have to put up with it and try to avoid my impulse to avoid her.

But, do you want to maintain the friendship? Maybe let it slide.

I am in the same situation as your
friend/acquaintance and RosiesMawagain I personally I found it difficult to talk to people. I found it easier to talk to friends who also were grieving, we understood one another and could shed few tears without feeling awkward.
I feel for you Adeline but the fact that you have helped in the past you must not let it grind you down.

Do you think you’ve got too involved, too quickly? You said it’s a recent acquaintance.

How much meeting up and going out with her do you do?

Personally I’d see the class and maybe once a month something else as plenty. That’s about my meet up rate with friends. And you can grit your teeth for that probably.

You don’t have to be her rescuer😬

Do you feel strong enough Aveline, to actually say to this lady, very gently, that by finding an alternative distraction and focussing her thoughts elsewhere she might potentially find strength to come to terms with losing her DH?
I’m not saying that people shouldn’t miss their partners and loved ones, what I am trying to say is by shifting the focus it might just help.
Sorry if any one finds that offensive, that’s the last thing I wanted to do.

In some ways I can empathise with your new friend. I looked after both my parents full time for ten years and they put me through hell. I had a couple of friends who did support me. Unfortunately, once my parents had died both friends wanted reciprocation. The first's husband had developed dementia which made her very aggressive and a nightmare to be with after my ten years as a carer and the other fell into a deep hole of self pity and all the conversation was about was 'oh, woe is me'. I decided there and then to ask people about their hobbies, discuss the weather, what they were reading and, dare I say it, ask after their families and grandchildren. It steered my grief away from dwelling on me and my, and gave me good listening skills. I am sorry to say that the two friends mentioned above fell away quite quickly as I was not doing what they wanted of me. One even dismissed me and blocked me for not acting as she wanted.

So you leant in them for ten years and they supported you.

But when they needed you, the answer was no.

Ho hum🙄

I certainly didn't mean to get too involved. I don't think I could talk to her directly about maybe changing focus a bit. As it is she's all for coffee three times a week after classes. Maybe I'll only be sticking around for one session a week although I'll miss the other ladies who sometimes join us.

I feel your pain Aveline the only difference being, her hus band had been dead 15 years.
There wasn’t a subject where she didn’t refer to her dead husband, from the weather to an ingrown toe nail.
We had been friends for about five years when an incident gave me the get out reason I needed to tell her to never contact me again.

If you break the habit for a bit, I’m pretty certain she’ll latch onto somebody else.

Worth a try? It’s taking all the enjoyment of your classes away knowing that they’ll be followed by the coffee, I should think.

Don't give up on the friendship, but have several topics of conversation ready if she commences another misery monologue, and be resolute. If she still continues, (you know how much time you are prepared to give) then gradually ease out of the relationship. Some people feed on the sympathy and don't try to move forward.

I can't say have met anyone like that, and I have a few friends whose husbands died before their time, or divorced them, leaving them with younger children, mortgages and bills to pay. They simply got on with life because they had no option, suffering bouts of grief but always attempting to look forward.

RosiesMawagain how awful to be told off on here or anywhere when you're grieving and heartbroken. Hope the passage of time has eased your pain a little.

Don't know if this will help Aveline but I had an acquaintance like yours and I got so fed up with it being a one way street I went totally against my own normal politeness and started cutting across her endless chat with my own tales of woe. It felt awful at first then strangely liberating and I didn't see much of her after that.

Sometimes things happen to us in life that we simply can't get over. I think I have been that friend. Life can be impossibly hard. No it isn't right to burden other people but when we are overwhelmed sometimes logic goes out of the window.

when my youngest child (son) died at the age of 25 (this was over twenty years ago.) all I wanted to do was to talk to people about him and my feelings.
A week after he died a committee meeting (for which I was Secretary) and had been postponed from the previous week dur to me not being able to attend, was re-arranged. The night before one of my friends on it telephone me to make sure I was going.

I told her that I did not think so, as I was existing in a different world to everyone else, and was turning into the worlds greatest bore as all I wanted to do was talk about my son.

After a pause, she replied to me saying 'Come along and bore us'.
One of the nicest thing anybody every said.

In early days (and with someone very close and deeply loved - early can mean at least the whole of the first year, often plus some), it is part of the dealing with grief process to want to talk endlessly about the loved one and how that death is effecting them. Need to give grief a long time.

Lathyrus3

So you leant in them for ten years and they supported you.

But when they needed you, the answer was no.

Ho hum🙄

Don't judge other people! I had a complete breakdown after my parents died and could not cope with the friends' demands which were too much for me. I was under a psychiatrist. I hope you are never in a position where someone judges you! Here go I but for the grace.............

I am a full time carer for my DH, I do get lonely, so whenever I manage to get someone to sit with my husband and I see a friend for coffee I could be very well guilty of talking about myself and how I feel when usually all I talk about is my husband’s health.
So don’t really know what to suggest. Your friend is probably lonely and has nobody to talk to about how she feels.
Maybe give her a little of your time then say goodbye till next time.

GoodAfternoonTea

Lathyrus3

So you leant in them for ten years and they supported you.

But when they needed you, the answer was no.

Ho hum🙄

Don't judge other people! I had a complete breakdown after my parents died and could not cope with the friends' demands which were too much for me. I was under a psychiatrist. I hope you are never in a position where someone judges you! Here go I but for the grace.............

It may have been theraputic for her to talk about other matters for a while, too. Drawn her out of the grip of her unhappiness.

GoodAfternoonTea

Lathyrus3

So you leant in them for ten years and they supported you.

But when they needed you, the answer was no.

Ho hum🙄

Don't judge other people! I had a complete breakdown after my parents died and could not cope with the friends' demands which were too much for me. I was under a psychiatrist. I hope you are never in a position where someone judges you! Here go I but for the grace.............

Think I was just looking at it through their eyes.

We get quite a lot of posters on Gransnet along the lines of “I supported her for years through all her troubles and now that I am in need she doesn’t want to know.”

I guess they didn’t realise that you didn’t see it as reciprocal.

It's very difficult when you're a kind person, but after a while you feel you're just a cardboard cut out to this lady. You feel used after a while.

It's difficult as she's going through a difficult time, but friendships aren't one way. It may not be fifty fifty all the time, but it has to be mutual support.

There will be a time when you just know.

It’s hard, I have a good friend who banged on about her ex husband incessantly, she really could not talk about anything else.
It was exhausting.
She got some counselling, it worked.