Feeling guilty

Dodo43. I've already said that she's going to join one.

Maybe a bereavement support group would be helpful for this lady?

'You dont have to waste your precious life listening to someone incontinent with grief'
Thus seems unduly harsh and uncaring. You have been a good friend Aveline but hopefilly you can encourage other topics of conversation. When I have been through bad times a couple of close friends listened to me droning on about it all. I was there when one of them had a dreadful few months a few years later. Isn't that what friends are for? I hope things improve Aveline

A friend who died last year at 99 used to change conversations by saying pleasantly but firmly ‘Now let’s talk about something nice!’
It worked well!

You neeed to be quite firm and use the assertiveness techinque called Broken record.

Just say I'm so sorry that you still feel so bad, I feel you need to see a counsellor to help you work thoughthis sad ness , I'm sosorry I havn't been able to help you.

and then just onto a topic thats relevant such as getting a cup of tea or isnt it nice the weather is getting better, of the evenings are getting lighter etc.

AI Overview
The Broken Record Method: For People-Pleasers Especially ...
The Broken Record technique is an assertiveness skill where you calmly and consistently repeat a short, clear phrase or request, ignoring attempts to distract, argue, or manipulate you, much like a record skipping on the same few notes. It's used to hold your boundary or get your point across when someone isn't listening, by sticking to your core message without getting drawn into irrelevant details or emotional bait.
How it Works
Prepare Your Phrase: Decide on a simple, direct statement that clearly states your position or refusal (e.g., "I can't lend you money," "I'm not interested," "I need that paid by Friday").
Stay Calm: Maintain a relaxed, steady tone of voice and calm body language, even if the other person gets upset or aggressive.
Repeat Consistently: When the other person pushes back, ignores you, or tries to change the subject, repeat your exact phrase again, without adding new excuses or getting defensive.
Ignore Distractions: Don't get pulled into their logic, guilt trips, or arguments; just return to your core message.
Example
Them: "But I really need it! You're my best friend, aren't you? You won't miss $20."
You: "I can't lend you any money".
Them: "Come on, I'll pay you back next week, I promise!"
You: "I can't lend you any money".

Aveline - if your new friend is talking about her feelings all the time she's using you as a free therapist. As a therapist myself with expertise in bereavement and loss I know that I need to ensure ongoing self-care because sitting with the various clients' feelings is draining. So, before you burn out you should tell your friend that when you want to process your feelings you see a therapist (this may not be true but this is the kindest way to point out that she's 'using' you inappropriately). If you allow this to continue the upshot will be that the friend associates you with the grief and when she has eventually managed to dilute this she won't want to be reminded of it by spending time with you with whom she has nothing else to talk about. You will lose that nice lady as a friend. A skilled bereavement counsellor/therapist will encourage the focus on her feelings and at the same time, remind her of the value of keeping her friends which she can't achieve if she saturates them with her feelings. This is not to diminish those feelings in any way but rather to acknowledge that being widowed is a horrible experience and it's a professional who she needs.

It could be that she doesn’t talk about her late husband because you didn’t know him but she can talk about her sadness because you do know her. The first year leaves people discombobulated, adrift and unsure if they still want to exist themselves. The second year can sometimes be worse. Your new friend needs counselling from a professional but also needs distracting when her sadness envelopes her. She is at least going out and not staying behind closed doors. Imagine how those widowed in the pandemic were, nowhere to go and no visitors. But their grief was the same. Try distracting her, it’s hard but there are bound to be things that she once enjoyed doing. Good luck and well done for being a friend.

Sorry if this has been suggested (I have only skim-read the thread - apologies) but Walking for the breraved saved my friend.

www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/managing-grief/walking-nature-for-grief/

I did see that she's mostly talking about herself but maybe that's to avoid talking about him?

Aveline she is an energy-drainer and has latched onto you. I have had several of those in the past. Avoid her, she is using you and your own energy will become depleted. Being drained of energy was part of my professional career, no more

I have had two similar latchers-on attempts these last two years. One was new with no car, she attempted the latching on immediately, as soon as she knew I had a car. I told her the next week, at the group, that I am trying to use buses more and my car less. The following week she latched onto someone else

Latest is a new neighbour, I get the vibes already. Of course I chat to her but only outside.

Be strong Aveline you only get one life and every day is precious, not to be drained away by someone who is obviously needy

I'm just human but also not stupid. I'm not a counsellor nor want to be. There are no answers. I think she must have always felt insecure and accustomed to talking about herself. I suspect it's habitual. I don't want to become one of her habits. Thank you all for your comments. It's helped me crystallise my thoughts

This is a complex situation that needs some one qualified in the subject. It is ok supporting your friend but it is starting to affect you as well. In counselling the counsellor can seek support and is usually fully trained but that isn’t required. You mentioned she is a fairly new friend so you may not feel confident in putting in boundaries. I feel for you both , your friend needs to be heard to help her with her grief. You also want a friend that isn’t expecting constant support on a difficult subject. You may both find your way through this together or realise we are all just human and have limitations.

Can’t you acknowledge her feelings and introduce other things?
If not it was perhaps doomed from the start.

Of course I understand that grief is complex. It's trying to discern whether perseverating on how bad she feels is actually helpful or helping her to stay in a repetitive loop thus reinforcing the bad feelings and associating me with this.

So much judgement here.I’m amazed.Grief is very complex and the fact that some people can’t understand that one can’t just switch off emotions like a tap.
I do mention my husband -dead 5 months but I also talk about everything else that was/ is important where applicable.
I don’t expect friends to listen to me wail but the kind ones notice the signs.
I will always appreciate the listeners. They have helped me so much.
I’m beginning to think the young are better at emotional intelligence. They know it exists and talk about it.

It's a terrible time to go through. Well done for being so kind hitherto. Try to be patient, but look after YOU too. Ration your time with her - maybe say 'I can give you half an hour right now'. or 'Can we schedule a get together tomorrow?' Keep the times boundaried. However, if she's still the same this time next year, as a friend you might gently point out she may be 'stuck' in a grief-stage, and might benefit from counselling. Hopefully she's having that, anyway.

“ I'll just have to put up with it and try to avoid my impulse to avoid her.”

Not true.

You don’t have to waste your one precious life listening to someone incontinent with grief.
She’s not respecting you, and your time.

Tell her “I’m noticing you’re struggling with grief” and give her the number to bereavement service. Have a card with the number written on it.

It’s the kindest thing to do for you and her. You are not doing her any good at all by letting her drone on without any challenge.

Be nice to yourself. Avoid her.

I guess you did not know him, so there is no way you can reminisce about the good times with her. Nor do you know any of her friends who did.
It might help to suggest that she could talk over the good times with him with some of them

crazyH

Maybe as soon as you realised, you should have written a brief note thanking her for her support and saying that you now felt able to move on and hoped to see her soon. And then avoided the subject had you met up, unless she broached it first.
.

It’s difficult. Over the years I’ve supported my sister through her husbands affairs and subsequent divorce. She has constantly said the same things over and over again. Sometimes when I’ve needed a bit of advice she listens but then turns it around to her again. I’ve still got contact but keep visits to a minimum.

I too have been that person - 18 months ago my DH had a cardiac arrest. He did survive, but for months it was all I could talk about. Eventually a dear friend pointed out that I was suffering from post traumatic stress, and that I should seek professional support. I saw my GP, and she signposted me to some excellent services. Maybe you could be that friend, and suggest that your widowed friend should speak to her GP? My friend approached it by saying that I was clearly still very traumatised by the experience, and that my unhappiness was not resolving, and maybe my doctor could help.

I have a friend who frequently interrups or brings group conversations back to herself. When it starts, I simply say "I want to hear the rest of what "Jane" was saying" or "Let's get back on topic - it's an interesting one" and if it starts to get negative, "Oh, sorry to hear that, but let's try to keep this time together fun and positive".

Don't feel guilty. You have been kind and listened. But you have no obligation to continue doing this constantly and indefinitely. What she is asking of you is unfair to you, even if she cannot help it. I would try to gently distance yourself a bit.

My best friend goes back 50+ years so I know most things about her and her late husband. She was bereaved 6 years ago and just cannot move on. She does not speak about her bereavement when we are in a group with others but when we are alone it is all she wants to speak about. I hear the same things over and over again. It is hard but she loves those sessions. I let her have one day max 2 a week, the rest of the time I make sure we have other people around us when we meet. I am very fond of her and she is of me, but even then it is very hard to sit for what at times can be most of the day as she never wants to leave. I emphasise with you but I would refer her to a counsellor or ask her to write a daily gratitude diary about her feelings which is a great way to offload and then look back to see how you eventually move on. We all know how hard it is to move on and being bereaved is one of the most awful experience most of us go through at least once.

It's important to understand how much good you are doing by listening to someone suffering from bereavement.
When my DH died I told nobody about how I felt. It was bottled inside me. When he was ill and diagnosed as terminal I tried to talk to my mum but she only wanted to discuss things personal to her.
The result of not talking resulted in five years of painful eczema that the consultant said was likely due to stress as I'd never had it before.
If you can bear it please be a listener. You will be helping someone enormously.

RosiesMawagain

I wonder if I was that person too after Paw died, one’s perspective just changes.
Don’t withdraw your support but look for alternatives to coffee- fuelled heart to hearts.
Maybe a trip to the cinema, (not a “weepie” film) or to a shopping centre or a gallery maybe in another town/city.
Something to give you something else to focus on.
Also, ration your time in as tactful way as you can. Maybe rope in another sympathetic friend. Loneliness after losing your life partner can be crippling.
I was once told off on GN for “going on “ about Paw in my grief, that was harsh and hurt, only compounding my misery, loneliness and isolation.

How terrible that you should have been told off. I am lucky that I still have my husband but I know that I will be devastated for a long time if anything happens to him and I will want to keep him alive in any way I can. There are gentler ways to tactfully indicate that you may need to focus on other things if you can but not everybody can do that. You just need time and everybody's needs are different.

OP, decide for yourself how much time you want to dedicate to being a shoulder and only give that amount of time. The suggestion to find other ways to be together where the focus on something else is also a good idea. It will also give you something else to talk about as a distraction from her grief. It would be sad for your friend if you distance her altogether if there is another way of doing it but you do not to think of your own self preservation without guilt.