Rudeness from a stranger in public

Elrel
I'm very open and friendly.
I make a huge effort not to be like my mother ,who was extremely introverted and had a history of agoraphobia.
Prior to her last illness rendering her bed ridden I had to escort everywhere even to the end of her road.
After this week,
I'm less inclined to initiate conversations !
We have no idea how people really feel and I plainly misjudged the poor girl .

HelterSkelter
I did ask my friend what was wrong with the young Asian girl .
She said that she's sweet and normally OK.
I frequent her cafe a lot and I'd never seen her before .
Most of her customers are young Mums who sit in groups together.
Some older women sit in pairs .
There's quite a few who are solitary -like me ,but we usually share tables and chat.
I misjudged the situation and her .
It's the first time ,I've experienced someone like her .
My cafe owning friend is frankly having a very tough time with a huge tent increase and it's hardly a priority for her .
It was just one of those weeks-culminating in being screamed at in another cafe by someone who is plainly neuro divergent.

Esmay - You are certainly never alone and should feel comfortable in a café where you actually know the proprietors. Maybe the young woman just wanted to get on with her lunch rather than chat. Your questions may have tipped a vulnerable person over the edge into meltdown. I don’t suppose she had a good day either and may now feel embarrassed to come in, especially if you are there. I love to chat and ask people about themselves but I try to always be aware of reactions and back off if I feel I am intruding.

Essmay can you ask your friend if she knows why the girl was screaming and does she go on certain days...then you can go back on a day she is not there.

It was the third unpleasant event that I had this past week .
As I've been really ill, I've hardly gone out so it was my week for treats and catching up.
The screaming girl in my friend's cafe. Sad when we were having such a great time chatting .
The next day , having arranged lunch on the phone -a friend texted me when I was at the venue waiting for her to say that she wasn't coming .
She is seriously physically ill and in and out of hospital,but I haven't heard .
And then ,this totally crazy woman ,who chose to sit next to me in a near empty cafe .
I was sitting in the part where everyone wants to sit and she was possibly trying to intimidate me .

I haven't gone out today.

I'm scared !

Maggiemaybe

Oh, Esmay, what an awful experience for you. It sounds as though this poor girl has mental health issues. You did nothing wrong, and I hope you’ve been able to put this behind you.

Or she came from Iran and had endured terrible experiences there.

I hate the reduction of the personal touch from an assistant and had got to know them over time:

but the growth of the automatic check outs does mean that those in a hurry out of need or choice can go there.

I never mind someone taking time. One day it could be me. The only time I got impatient (tho didnt show it) was a 15 min wait because the couple concerned had not got the right sort of card to be valid, but kept insisting it ought to be OK, and I'd unloaded a large shop, but somehow the whizz manager sorted it.

Possibly assuring them adequately they would keep the goods nice and safe so they could come back - or even arrange a delivery, which the big Sainsbugs could do.

I must say the lady , who shouted abuse at me in the cafe just about made my week !
Thinking back ,I can't recall having such an unpleasant week !
I'm never alone in the aforementioned cafe I was waiting for a friend and usually other friends join us . It's our Friday meet up .
I was sitting in the comfy chairs by the window (the nicest part ) and I think that she was trying to intimidate me into moving .
I stayed put .
It's just one of those things !
I really do think that she was disturbed in some way.
Poor thing !
Never mind !

Years ago we were at a wedding and the woman sitting opposite leaned over and asked my husband, in a very cut glass English accent, if he was from Ethiopia.

No, he replied politely, 'I'm from ....moor' which is a suburb of the city we lived in.

That put her in her place and she just shut her mouth.

I've never forgotten it.

Well that was bizarre to say the least. never happened to me either.
Any idea at all? At least there was a possible reason for the girl.

You have had a rotten time of it.

Doesn’t sound like it Esmay. I can only reiterate be nice to people not because they are nice but because you are. And they certainly aren’t nice.

Wyllow -
Just as I sent my reply -
a lady came into the cafe and started screaming abuse at me !
MOVE ,she said.
I wasn't in her way !
There was a stream of expletives as she moved away.
I didn't ask where she came from .
She wasn't English !
I don't think that it's been my week !

Wyllow - I guessed that it was the problem.
I thought that she'd heard our conversation about Asian food .

I'll never ask anyone again .

I'm always being asked if I'm.Englush and where I come from .
It doesn't really bother me.

That question is used a lot in Dramas on TV, to get over the point that you shouldn't make assumptions about where someone 'comes from''.
Watch out for it. It has become a trope.

typo above - gets under people's skins, not "spells".

I think it very likely indeed that she was ill, that level of self harm.

I am qualified and have worked in mental health. Which probably means it would be less of a shock as I've seen self harm in many guises, but

there is often a reason, "why"

However, I have had this discussion with several people

after I made that mistake myself

Asking someone where they came from/assuming where they came from and having got an honest answer that made me have to re-examine my whole attitude.

And believe me, honest answers from a number of young people about growing up second or third generation entry into the UK is consistent

People keep asking them "where do you come from" or assume they think they know where they come from *on the basis of them being non white.

We live and always have in a racist culture that often acts in very subtle ways.

Being asked "where do you come from" in that way means, like it or not

I'm assuming you don't come from the UK

This get under spells skins, you know? Brought up where people assume "oh, she/he is not "one of us"

ie, a human being.

I say this in admitting I have in the past made that mistake: if I didnt say it, I've thought it, I've wondered.

But if I met a white woman and got chatting, I wouldn't normally ask her that, would I? Unless we were specifically chatting about where we were brought up, or maybe where such and such an accent was from.

I have had the privilege of meeting people from different backgrounds whose honesty about tier MH problems and race reveal so much.

the young Pakistani woman who went about constantly asking all, "do I look better in English or Pakistani dress"

and heard voices which were of a UK white teacher telling her she was ugly

and more

Of an acquaintance at the gym who was born her but whose father was a very well respected Nigerian surgeon - so middle class and reasonably confident - therefore a survivor - not about 40 - who told me stories of growing up in mainly white areas and the subtle and not so subtle comment about her looks and her origins "not one of "us"

If you are vulnerable, and are subject to constant questions -innocently enough asked

It will get into your head

and for some, make life unendurable

So - lets just stop doing it, and admit when we have: there was no intention of harm whatsoever

but it can do harm.

Wyllow3, you know as much (and as little) about the girl’s motivations as anyone else. Your own sweeping assumptions about her based on her race are much more offensive than the suggestion that someone who went berserk screaming at me, crying and actually clawing at her face and pulling her hair just might be experiencing mental health problems.

Esmay

Yesterday was a lovely sunny day and I was thoroughly enjoying talking to two friends who are foodies.
They own and run the best cafe in my area.
They wanted my opinion on Asian food as they know that I make a lot of it .

In walked an Asian girl by sheer coincidence
They knew her and talked to her .
Then went to prepare her late lunch .
I wondered where she came from and guessed correctly.

I shall never anyone where they come from again.

I said that I'd visited her country several times and thoroughly enjoyed their cuisine ,which was true.

Suddenly-
she went berserk screaming at me ,crying and actually clawing at her face and pulling her hair.
It was hard to understand what she was saying .
Part of it was "look at me!"
I tried to apologise.
I started to shake.
On my way to the loo , I told my friends that I'd upset her and didn't know what to do.
Don't worry, they said .

When I got home I burst into floods of tears.

Oh Esmay, I'll try to tell you why she reacted as she did.

She might easily have come from Birmingham or Newcastle.

She might have been the third generation of a family that arrived in the UK in 1975 ands been living and working here since.

After a lifetime of assumptions that you have "recently arrived" and "come from somewhere overseas" being thrown at you -

- maybe nastily as a child, continually asked, when you are as British as you or I, brought up and schooled in the UK -

only asked because the colour of your skin is different -

then you may feel fed up of being asked.

And you may snap.

The assumption that she "must" have MH problems is quite offensive, actually, although it may possibly be that she does, as the strength of her reaction was very strong.

She was saying "look at me!!

In order to say

I'm a person, just like you!!! Where does it matter where I came from? See the person, not the colour!!!

I have all my shopping delivered now so I dont have to deal with other shoppers. Most of the Tesco delivery people are polite and friendly and some of them have been delivering to me for years.

I’m sure it wasn’t anything you said or did, Esmay, you were just the unfortunate person in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been ill and hope this hasn’t set you back.

eddiecat78

Being frustrated when someone is slow at a supermarket checkout might be acceptable but why would anyone be in such a rush at a National Trust carpark!?

Agree. If they’re that uptight, they’re hardly going to enjoy their visit, are they?!

Maggiemaybe
Thank you for your sympathy .
I was so shocked and I think had delayed shock some time afterwards when I thought about it .

When we don't really know someone when we initiate chat with them we have no idea how they'll react .
She might have come from the private hospital nearby on a sort of day release,but she had a dog with her and no carer .
I had a really jolly chat with a friend elsewhere and laughed a lot.
But when I got home I felt physically sick and cried a lot .
I've only just stated going out daily as I've been so ill .
What this girl didn't know is that I've lived in her part of the World for years and had many friends of the same nationality.
As we'd been talking about food -to me it was just a natural progression of our conversation.

Calendargirl

TiggyW

madeleine45 - I’ve never understood those blue tokens in Tesco. How many are you supposed to take? 🤔

You’re supposed to have one for each shop. Not meant to help yourself to a handful.

I find it depends on the checkout person. One chap at our Tesco hands over one alongside your receipt, some give you two if shopping with a partner, and I feel the lazier ones leave you to help yourself, but no one should be taking several.

You then choose which local charity to support, and pop your token in the relevant box.

Our local Tesco just has the tokens in a box for you to help yourself - I'm sure they had a sign up which said you could take up to three. Must have a look next time I'm in.

Oh, Esmay, what an awful experience for you. It sounds as though this poor girl has mental health issues. You did nothing wrong, and I hope you’ve been able to put this behind you.