Should I say something?

The widow sounds ‘stuck’ in her grief to me. Continually going over and over how it happened isn’t just grief (in my opinion) it’s unhealthy rumination. She needs professional help (in my opinion), not just friendship, to unlock this cycle.

From Wiki:

“A person can become stuck in the grieving process. This is known as prolonged grief disorder or complicated grief. When this happens, intense pain and yearning do not ease over time, and daily life stays very hard.”

Interesting FGR2. My friend certainly sounds like this. I'm seeing her today. I'll try to mention that she should see that counsellor again.

I would also suggest counselling again.

I'm a weeper and am sure I'd still weep after 10 years! I still weep alongside my friends whose husbands died 10 years ago. ..
I suppose the difference is that that weeping is sometimes "normal" - even expected - happy/sad memories just triggered by something - having a difficult day, a loved one missing a special occasion etc.

The prolonged weeping at every turn after (say) 10 years is not the same.
I feel very sad for this person, and, with kindness, think she needs some professional support.

Grief is a terrible emotion and feels as though someone is twisting a knife in your guts .
People deal with it in different ways -a member of my family chain smoked ,drank excessive amounts of alcohol and had severe agoraphobia .
I've met other people who've turned into parry girls -wearing sexy clothes and having relationships with much younger men .
The majority seem to do as this lady does talk about it endlessly.
We have several of them at church .
They have a weekly counselling group.
This is available at most churches whether you are a believer or not .

I agree that your friend needs 1 to 1 counselling to try and get her past this stage of being stuck in grief. I don't think its fair on you and the members of your friendship group to try to continue to help her when I expect you all have done a lot so far.

Beechnut

I’m doing something wrong. I didn’t know you were supposed to to have stopped crying after ten years.

Quite right, a really ignorant comment to have been made!

Nice comment

Maybe gently encourage her to talk to a therapist … I have clients in the same situation and it gives them a safe space to talk, and find a way of moving forward with the grief.

Helping someone with their grief - not to "get over it", but to navigate around it, relies on the person actually doing a little bit, too.

I just think this is such a difficult situation as her friend. But first of all, a year ago isn’t very long. As for counselling, can she afford it? Any free counselling NHS or charity is often only six weeks which isn’t usually enough. In this area private sessions cost around £60 and finding the right ‘fit’ isn’t always easy. As for a bereavement group, there’s very mixed responses to those. I know myself that it’s the last thing that would help me. What would I do as a friend? Arranging to see her on her own and talking gently to her would be what I would hope to be able to do. Talking to her in a group could feel quite overwhelming to her and a bit ‘bullying’ even. But I’ll repeat again a year is no time at all.

I'm agreeing with both greyfur and MissAdventure. Does the rest of the group feel the same? Maybe one of you could meet up with her, be honest with her and say that you want to support her, and the group is a way to share everyone's worries, concerns and happiness. Suggest that listening to others could help her get some relief from her own grief as that's what a group is good for. Maybe gently say that you think she needs some more help with adjusting to her different life without her husband. I have a friend who was completely stuck in the trauma of her husband's illness and death for years. I don't know how you're supposed to reinvent yourself after the loss of a loved one. So don't know if you can think around that one without withdrawing your support completely.

Could your group have a nominated topic each week - Recipes, Garden flowers, Holidays, days out etc - if you all agreed what the topic is next week you can gently nudge the lady to be "on topic" if she wanders into her grief?

Even within those topics, there is scope for your friend to speak about her husband, without needing to turn the whole thing onto its head.
Its natural to want to speak about him, and its natural it might trigger some tears, but the subject can be bought back on track, gently.

Whether you say something or not, depends very much in my opinion upon how well you know this lady.

Anyone who is grieving, and most of those who live alone, do tend to talk too much when with others.

If you value this person's friendship, then try to point out to her kindly, but firmly that she is monopolising coversation to such an extent that others cannot discuss their situation, worries or grieve. Tell her this is affecting the group's dynamic, and ask her to give others more space to talk of their affairs.

You risk her being hurt and offended, but if you say nothing she will, sooner or later, be hurt. Either because one of the others blows up and tells her to stop making everything about her loss and her feelings, or because they will stop coming when they know she is going to be present.

Then she will be left wondering what has happened, and you will, when it is too late to do anying about it, be left having to tell her that her lack of consideration has driven them away.

I was widowed myself 2½ years ago, and obviously I still miss my husband, but if I am to have friends and a life worth living, I must interest myself in other peoples' concerns and not make everything about me and my loss.

Yes even better choosing a topic. Might take her out of her grief for a short while and lift her spirits , as well as the group's.

I do sympathise with you as it can be so draining, The first year is adjusting to the death, I found also my other widowed friends say the second year is worse, it is the realisation that they are never coming back. I have a friend very similar so now limit the times we meet up for my own sanity.

Beechnut

I’m doing something wrong. I didn’t know you were supposed to to have stopped crying after ten years.

Grief has not time nor pattern, it affects us all in different way, but there is such a thing as complex grief, but not until well after 3 years or even more. Give the lady time and guide her gently asking her to listen to when other people speak. People should in a kind way ask her to let them finish speaking before she has her turn. Perhaps someone could sit with her and hold her hand, just giving her the one to one attention she needs so much. Perhaps meet with her for an hour first and let her talk as much as she needs to, hopefully she will gradually listen to others. Has she got a special friend in the group who would do that?

Julia Samuels writes very well about grief. Marie Curie offer a helpline, where a person can quickly get through to somebody and chat/ offload.

We all do grief in our own different ways.

I have avoided dwelling ion it when in company, but say things like "Before B died" etc., and inject relevant info for those going through something similar.

I do not know what is best - it may be that what is best for me differs from what is best for friends and family. It may be that this lady finds it really helpful to offload with people she knows, even though it has become tedious for everyone else.

I feel that people expect me to be over it - 6 years now so perhaps they are right. But I can't say I think I will ever recover really. A lot of the time I do what I think will keep everyone else happy.

That's generally how things work in life.
Nobody wants to hear over and over again a full run down of the last weeks of somebodys life, their death, but I'm sure they have no objection at all to hearing the person's name spoken, and the tears that might evoke.
Its far more healthy to speak about the person than to bottle it up.

Without wanting to minimise the awfulness of grief, I wonder whether this lady monopolised conversation before her very sad change in circumstances

Maybe you could suggest some sort of bereavement counselling?

Dodo43 I think you've hit the nail on the head. We were talking about her and another friend suggested that maybe she's always been like that ie talking about herself and her feelings. I reckon she might be right. From what I gather her late husband really pandered to her. She doesn't actually talk about him really, only about how she's feeling.

greyfur has it - there is grief and there is PTSD and what this lady needs is a psychotherapist who is experienced in dealing with both loss and trauma. It's a shame she's been to a bereavement therapist and a bereavement group and found neither to be right for her but in my opinion you should say something, pointing out that maybe now with the passage of time, she could benefit more from that type of interaction. However, if you knew this person before she became a widow and she was loud and dominating then, that's a different issue because you can guess that she's an attention seeker and collectively as a group you need to make rules about turn-taking in discussion. Children in school are taught how to do this.