Advice about a present given

MissAdventure

My mum mum made me write thank yous, too.
So now, with no mum to appease, I do what I want.

If someone took a present, in person, to the venue, it's pretty obvious the recipient got it.

Not if it were left on a table in another room, amongst lots of presents.

Someone could have removed it, taken it, dropped it……

And the surprise birthday person would be none the wiser.

If the present were handed to them and thanked at the time, well, that’s totally different.

True, but once I've given a present, I've done my bit, I think.

I must admit, I'm not a big fan of presents, so that probably explains my nonchalance.

I spent some time designing and making a unique present for someone for their birthday in April. Hubby handed it over to "I'll open it later". I haven't, to this day, received a thank you. I made sure that I messaged very quickly when I received my birthday gift which was an item taken out of her shop that hadn't sold. Even if the recipient didn't like the gift, a quick messaged thanks isn't asking much.

If the gift wasn't handed to the b'day 'girl' directly then I would certainly expect a thank you note or phone call/email. It could even be that, if it was a big event, the label was dislodged if presents were moved at a later stage and the recipient doesn't know who gave what. I would ring the woman and in the course of conversation say you hope she liked your gift and maybe casually hinting at what it was.

Perhaps you could write saying how much you enjoyed the party and meeting people. Say you hope she enjoyed all her gifts! Add your mobile number … perhaps she will text?

Don't get me started on this one, I think it is so rude not to acknowledge a gift with a thank-you note, but sadly it seems to be the norm these days.

I think you should have received some acknowledgement. I would be offended. I think I would tactfully ask her if it was ok or mention it in some oblique way.

Glenfinnan

Perhaps you could write saying how much you enjoyed the party and meeting people. Say you hope she enjoyed all her gifts! Add your mobile number … perhaps she will text?

I like this idea Glenfinnan

Genuine question - if you know the recipient got the gift (as it was on a gift table, or because you've seen on the Royal Mail website that it was delivered) what is it that you need from the recipient?

I know it's traditional to write thank you notes, but it is clear from here that that tradition is dying out. I don't send them - I thank someone if they hand me a present, or phone/text them to say thank you if something arrives in the post. I don't let presents go unacknowledged, but nor do I write letters of thanks. As often as not I thank them in person when I next see them, and that arrangement is all I would expect for others. I rarely buy presents for people I don't see very often.

I particularly wouldn't write to someone to say the cup and saucer was broken. Would anyone do that? I would always say that presents were just what I wanted (regardless of the truth) and wouldn't mention it if they didn't fit, or were in other ways unsuitable. So I don't understand the OP thinking along those lines.

People often say that they stop sending presents - even to their own grandchildren or other family - if they aren't properly thanked. I find that very strange, as I give from a motive of wanting to give to people I care about. No strings attached.

Yes, it's lovely if they have time to take a photo of their baby in something I've knitted, or of the recipient drinking out of a cup I'd given them, but life is busy (particularly for new parents) and I understand that. I really don't expect it, so would like to know what it is that people really want.

Is it to see that traditions have been continued? To feel good about themselves for having given a gift? Is that the quid pro quo?

Do people really want to know if the recipient hated the dinosaur jumper they were given and how they would never wear it in public, or do they just want to hear about how kind they are, and how lovely the present was?

I'm with MissA on this one. I'd rather not bother with any of it if it comes with strings. I am a polite person, and was brought up to say please and thank you, but am bewildered by the neediness I sometimes see as regards formal thanks for things, and also as regards people 'not bothering with' sending cards. I don't want people to be 'a bother' to people, and appreciate that times change and life gets significantly busier for each generation, so am happy if people keep in touch and stay in contact all year round, even if at busy times such as birthdays and Christmas they are more concerned with their own family units.

Some folk ( newly weds can take months to send out thank you notes.
I bought an expensive casserole dish for next doors son but received no word of thanks.
When the subject came up about they never thanks to her, I brought up yes I know! I never did get a thanks the casserole dish.
Week after thank you note was hand delivered.
I think it’s incredibly rude not to say thank you.
They might have be prompted by their mother.

MT62

Some folk ( newly weds can take months to send out thank you notes.
I bought an expensive casserole dish for next doors son but received no word of thanks.
When the subject came up about they never thanks to her, I brought up yes I know! I never did get a thanks the casserole dish.
Week after thank you note was hand delivered.
I think it’s incredibly rude not to say thank you.
They might have be prompted by their mother.

Ok, so if you assume they thanked you because their mother nudged them, what did you get out of the hand-delivered thank you note? Would you have preferred a posted one? Why, if so?

Did you buy the gift in the hope of being thanked, or in the hope of easing their passage into married life?

As I say, I am interested to find out what people want. A pat on the back? A feeling of being needed? A truthful opinion on the value of their gift to the recipient?

Presents were put on a table at exDiL’s surprise 50th party. I saw her a few weeks later and asked if she liked her present from me. Clearly embarrassed, she explained that they all got mixed up and although she did appreciate them all she had no idea who gave her what! It was a lively party and drink was taken!

Ok, so is that a Bad Thing, or just what happens at a party?>

I am no clearer about people's motives in all of this.

I'm afraid I'm in the School of Thought that at 80, who needs any Birthday/Christmas presents anyway. My sister was 80 this year, lots of celebrations, lots of fun family times and strict instructions, no presents. Some gave flowers/plants, me I brought things for the kids to play with and gave pocket money to all the children. I am quite a few years off 80 but a few years ago I told friends no more present exchange, that was my present to them for life. Saves money and time. OH and I also don't exchange presents but if there is something a bit extravagant we want during the year, we buy it, then say thank you for my B'day or Xmas present, works really well!

I agree with a pp……send a message asking if they like the present but offer to exchange if they don’t . Also considering including a comment on how much you enjoyed the party……..keep it light and friendly.

Ive carefully read all these different views on being thanked for gifts. If someone handed you a gift I cant imagine any scenario when the recipient wouldn't say thank you. That's just good manners. Having said that I don't see why those manners wouldn't apply when the gift is sent or left at a party. Whether the person actually wanted it or not a gift has been chosen and given with good wishes. A simple thanks, no expensive postage necessary these days, is just good manners.

I don't think I would thank you for a cup and saucer either, a nice bottle of perfume, a piece of jewellery, a nice handbag , yes. But a cup and saucer 🤣🤣🤣

One family of my grandchildren were just not taught to say please and Thankyou, which is engrained in most people.
However, I think it’s no longer done to send Thankyou notes, none of my big family sends anything by post but they thank each other on social media.
Older people have old-fashioned manners so surprising that an 80 year old didn’t send thanks.

For my 85th birthday, made an extended family celebration. Great time, Also, had local 'afternoon tea party, for local friends and aquaintences.

Both invitations clearly stated HOPE YOU CAN BE PRESENT, BUT NO PRESENTS PLEASE.

I’m I the only one who thinks it is ironic that the OP didn’t return to their thread to thank the posters for their views 😂

No, that had crossed my mind, too😀