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I don’t know if I’m overreacting

(67 Posts)
Fecklar Sun 25-Oct-20 09:59:45

I’ve been quite ill this weekend and had to have a COVID test. I live on my own but support my D & SIL with child care. I have provided so much support so that they can keep their jobs and we manage around the grandchildren because his family live miles away. Just recently my ex died as he used to help out doing his share as well as me. Now it all falls on me but I’m happy to help. I’m always there when needed. However my D had been aware I was unwell but asked me could I come around yesterday morning. Unfortunately I was so ill I was unable to. I went for a COVID test as I had a bad throat and a cough. Since then I have not had one text or phone call ‘are you alright mum’? I feel somehow I’m being punished for daring to be ill. I’m 67. I am upset at the callous lack of caring from my daughter when I do so much for them. I live half an hours drive from them. I have already been estranged from my son for the last 15 years I don’t want to upset my daughter for fear of being cut off from them. I have many times put my own affairs aside to help them out. No I’m not being a martyr it seems the right thing to do at times. I find it really upsetting that when I’m ill nobody cares. I could be really poorly as I was yesterday. Lot better today but I can’t bring myself to take my daughter to task about this. It’s not much to ask is it.

Barmeyoldbat Sun 25-Oct-20 10:05:49

Just tell your daughter what you have told us, either by word or writing a letter. Good luck and hope you feel better soon.

BlueSky Sun 25-Oct-20 10:10:34

Fecklar you’ll be surprised how many parents with AC are in your position. Not sure why, and as you prove it’s not just DILs but also our own DD. If you don’t do as they say you feel you have upset them even if you had more than valid reasons. As you say you then don’t want to alienate them so you leave it at that. I don’t have any practical advice but just wanted to say it’s not just you.

Chewbacca Sun 25-Oct-20 10:10:35

I think that our adult children sometimes forget, or lose sight of the fact, that we're getting older and not always able to do all the things that we used to do with such ease. If I was in your position, I'd tell your daughter how you're feeling; it may well be that she's just not realised.

Elegran Sun 25-Oct-20 10:52:01

Did you phone or text her to tell her you had to have a Covid test - and to add that it was fortunate in the circumstances that you didn't come to help, not unfortunate, as you posted? If you did, and she hasn't asked how you are, then you are right to be peeved, but if you didn't keep her up to date, maybe she thinks you just had a sniffle and are OK now. If I were you, I would contact her and tell her how rotten and weak your illness is making you feel - but I wouldn't make a big thing of criticising her if she was unaware of the Covid test.

Grandmabatty Sun 25-Oct-20 10:59:25

That's sad that she hadn't asked how you felt. Did you tell her how unwell you were or did you underplay it? AC can be quite blind to their parents aging and she's maybe oblivious to how you feel as she tries to manage her circumstances. There was another thread where a gran felt left out and there was good advice on it. I hope you feel better soon. 💐

EllanVannin Sun 25-Oct-20 11:05:17

Mum's don't get ill, they're not allowed !
I'm afraid this remains to be a fact that if you're not known to be a " sickly " person, the minute you fall victim to something the whole world caves in as if you're making things up because it's never been known that a favour can't be carried out. ( taken for granted springs to mind )

It's quite a bittersweet situation as the refusal suddenly leaves them dumbfounded and you wondering what you've done to upset the applecart.
Just try and explain that if anything " nasty " arises from your test that you don't want to spread it, nor do you want to compromise your own health.

Luckygirl Sun 25-Oct-20 11:34:33

I do think it is true that AC do not understand how debilitating the slowing down and pain of getting older is. I am sure hat I in my turn did not understand that in relation to my own parents.

I do not think you are being "punished" in any deliberate way - they are probably just a bit frantic with children and jobs to hang on to. Try to put that feeling aside or you will have a falling out which will help neither of you.

I do hope you will be feeling better soon.

icanhandthemback Sun 25-Oct-20 11:41:36

Your daughter's support has just gone ill so she is juggling all you do and whatever she normally does. She is probably feeling the strain and hasn't the time or energy to add in a text. She probably feels you will let her know how you are. Try not to take offence. My daughter says she always feels that she is the bottom of my list (although she takes up more time than my other kids) but she would never think to pick up the phone to see how I am if I am ill! She really doesn't mean anything by it but it does make me go "ouch" sometimes. However, the pleasure I get from the children is worth it.
I hope you feel better soon.

eazybee Sun 25-Oct-20 11:50:37

I must confess with shame that I thought I was doing my mother a tremendous favour in allowing her to look after my children, partly because she was always pushing me into having/developing a career, as she had been forced to give up her much-loved career after the war.
However, if she was ever ill we all went round with flowers, grapes and Lucozade to 'cheer her up.'
I would ring your daughter and tell her you are awaiting the results of your covid test, and warn her that as you feel so ill you may not be able to help out for the next fortnight: self-isolating.

Phloembundle Tue 27-Oct-20 09:40:12

Sadly, the more you do, the more people expect. Then when you stop, they resent you.

Lin663 Tue 27-Oct-20 09:43:44

I kind of agree with eazybee. Just ring your daughter, tell her you’re still awaiting the results of your covid test and that you’re hoping to be able to help out again soon. Don’t even mention how hurt you feel, treat it like a normal conversation, no recriminations, but make sure that she does actually realise how poorly you were/are. I think luckygirl has hit the nail on the head in that these days people are so busy juggling their own lives, they forget that their parents are not as young and fit as they were.
I have the opposite problem with my parents. They don’t realise how old they are and how much help they need, so it does actually work both ways!!! Keep your chin up and I hope you feel well soon.

Teetime Tue 27-Oct-20 09:43:57

Fecklar I am sorry you are not well and feel that your daughter is not giving you the support you deserve. Chewbaccas advice seems sound to me - tell your daughter how you feel and say you would like some help please. II hope you are feeling better soon. flowers

lemsip Tue 27-Oct-20 09:46:28

tell your daughter you are feeling unloved! sometimes it is thoughtlessness! when you have been juggling all the balls for them for so long they forget you are vulnerable! don't write it down in a letter, it will be there forever!..... I wish you well and am sure you will be feeling better soon!

Azalea99 Tue 27-Oct-20 09:49:55

I think this says it all!

Azalea99 Tue 27-Oct-20 09:52:55

Sorry - the picture came out on the Preview!

polnan Tue 27-Oct-20 09:53:59

well my first comment is , that we are all different!
However, having said that, I am elderly, always been there for my kids.. etc... made me think though, reading these posts.

I know I am not good at saying if I don`t feel well, and even saying how getting old "sucks" I am and always have been independent, and yes, a common trait... we hate to admit that getting older does give us problems..

so perhaps it is our "fault" that we don`t tell our children how we are feeling,

also, I so hate the thought of losing my independence... struggling with that... need to have help in the house, but can I do that! enough...

just hoping it all works out well for you.

Hal49 Tue 27-Oct-20 09:54:11

Fecklar, so pleased you are feeling a little better today 😊 I can understand how upset you must be feeling by the lack of contact from your D. I would suggest you contact her to explain how poorly you have been, also that you are awaiting the results of your Covid test and the possibility of having to self-isolate for the next two weeks, which will prevent you providing childcare. I’m sure you will miss your DGC in the meantime, but you will need to give yourself time to recover.

Smileless2012 Tue 27-Oct-20 09:54:48

I hope you're feeling better today Fecklar. What you describe is the awful legacy of estrangement; the all too real fear that because one AC has estranged you, their sibling(s) may do likewise if you don't everything that is asked of you.

It's a good idea to 'phone your D and say you're still waiting for the result of your Covid test so of course, can't do anything until that comes through. Hopefully if it hasn't crossed her mind already, that will make her think about not just how ill you maybe feeling physically, but how anxious you'll be feeling in case the result comes back positiveflowers.

Azalea99 Tue 27-Oct-20 09:56:01

Aaaargh! Well anyway, it was washing instructions- hand wash only, cool iron, etc, and beneath that it says “Or give it to your mother, she know what to do”. I thought it would help cheer you up.

Nannan2 Tue 27-Oct-20 09:57:02

Point out also that you are therefore doing this to protect them and their children as well- how would she/you feel if you did have covid19 and ended up passing it to them all? Has she NOT thought of that aspect?? What is she thinking, any mum would surely put that thought uppermost- not what am i to do for childcare for a awhile?I'd have thought that would be priority, keeping them safe first& foremost, in fact shouldnt she& her family be getting a test too, if youve all been in close contact?? Being lax about this is whats spreading it still.So point out to her youre doing this to protect them too-& advise her on getting tested.And that you will let her know outcome of your test and then can help out when you have results AND feel better.AND you have all fulfilled self-isolating requirements.Its possible too that as someone else said that shes not 'punishing' you but busy juggling kids& job& everything as she is without your help right now so hasnt had a minute free.or could even be feeling ill too but doesnt want to admit that to you if she lectured you over it.

Applegran Tue 27-Oct-20 09:57:34

This is hard for you but I think sometimes its hard for an adult child to really take in that a parent is actually ill - in their childhood, you were always there for them and they unconsciously feel that that is 'normal'. If they stopped to reflect they would see that this is not reasonable, but as they are busy and under pressure they may not take in the reality. I know that it is easy when ill to feel that others 'should' respond in a particular way - but they won't always deliver what we want and there may be umpteen reasons for it. Its too easy to 'decide' that they are being unkind or uncaring - and that makes us ourselves more miserable without any benefits. I am waiting today to hear if I have a very serious condition and it has made me realise that if i have, in the end I have to find my own way ahead. No one else can do that for me. If they feel empathy and do nice things for me , that will be really helpful - but in the end we have to make our own journeys.

Leolady73 Tue 27-Oct-20 10:01:27

Last year my daughter and her husband parted and since then my grandsons haven’t visited me. Apparently he is saying terrible things to his children (Aged 16 and 19) about my daughter and myself. As I spent a lot of time looking after them when they were little, I am devastated at losing them. I’ve sent cards and presents, with no acknowledgement. The youngest is living with his father near to his college and the eldest is T University. What can I do? Jenny

Sugarpufffairy Tue 27-Oct-20 10:04:12

I could have written a very similar story. Mine was pre covid. I was doing a fair bit for my ADC. Childminding and picking up from a distance to do so. At times I also did housework even DIY and gardening.
Then I needed medical tests some were scary things and I asked her to come with me. They said they would but didn't turn up. Childminding was expected to continue despite feeling ill after the tests. ADC was so angry and very nasty and sweary.
My advice would be not to let it continue like this indefinitely. You and ADC need to talk and discuss what is possible and how it has to be a two way street with help and support for everyone.

Nannan2 Tue 27-Oct-20 10:05:05

Also, at a time like this, have you thought of 'reaching out' to your estranged son, perhaps trying to build bridges?is that at all possible?could your daughter help with that at all? Just a thought, as it seems to be on your mind about him, which is understandable at such a time.