How do I develop a thicker skin?.

She was being incredibly tactless and a little selfish and thoughtless.

However, often, those of us who appear confident enough to “barge or brazen their way…” are often not.

Outwardly I appear, on sites and in RL, a very confident person, but I’m not like that at all inside. It’s taken years and years, to cultivate an “I couldn’t care less” persona when I’m outside my own home.

It’s my way of coping.

Coasy I could have written your post.

I can smile and brazen things out when inside I am crying and a nervous wreck. Years of practice makes near perfect…

Your sister-in-law was tackles and thoughtless Maw

MawsRosie

Ever since childhood I have hated an “atmosphere” - you know when as soon as you get in from school, you can sense Mum is in a mood, so you’ve done something (what?) and the balloon is about to go up.
Or feeling like an outsider in a group of friends.
I thought I’d grow out of it but even now I can sense it and am affected by an atmosphere, and now I’m on my own it’s also too easy to feel “spare” or an outsider.
Maybe I am just over sensitive, but judging by some of the threads and posts, I am not alone in this.
I envy people who can just barge or brazen their way through any situation, apparently unaffected, unfazed by other people and immune to slights or the thoughtlessness of others.
Recently at a family lunch I found my sister in law was arranging a date for a “family “ outing to my DD’s Regents Park production (including my son in law’s father). It wasn’t until I sort of “ahemmed” and asked if I was included, that she condescended to ask if I wanted to go too. I was so tempted to say “Of course not, I’ll just stay on my own as usual” but of course didn’t!
But AIBU - MY daughter - MY family?
I just felt sidelined but as I said didn’t want to look needy.
Over- sensitive? Was she just being tactless?
How do others handle this?

She was being incredibly rude. I would have replied ‘of course I want to go to my daughter’s production’.
But I get what you are saying. Tbh I was a people pleaser until 18 months ago when my DH had a massive stroke and I became his full time carer, it pulled the carpet from under us and now I really don’t have much time for countenancing other people’s nonsense.
It shouldn’t take something like this to happen for you to become more assertive though. Speak out and be your own best advocate because you deserve better.

I am so sorry Maw you had to deal with that. Not just tactless your sister in law was unkind.
I too can give the appearance of being confident but I am dying inside.

I do think this type of hurtful behaviour is on the increase. My theory is if we wanted to let somebody down or whatever we had to do it face to face. Now people can do as they please by tapping away. Deleting, blocking, hiding.
It's horrible.

That’s not ok. 😡

Did your dd know her ?aunt? was planning this jaunt?

Recently at a family lunch I found my sister in law was arranging a date for a “family “ outing to my DD’s Regents Park production (including my son in law’s father). It wasn’t until I sort of “ahemmed” and asked if I was included, that she condescended to ask if I wanted to go too

The difference between you and me, is that in the above scenario I'd be delighted someone was organising an extended family outing to support DD's production.

SIL, or any reasonable person, would assume that as DD's mother I already had a complimentary ticket and VIP front row seat .

So I would respond to SIL EITHER " That's great, hope you all enjoy it. I'll be at < different performance>, really looking forward to it"

OR " I'll be at the same performance, Already got my ticket"

You're just looking for offence where there was none. A self-made martyr.

Far from being "sensitive", you're demonstrating the opposite; unperceptive and thick-skinned.

butterandjam

*Recently at a family lunch I found my sister in law was arranging a date for a “family “ outing to my DD’s Regents Park production (including my son in law’s father). It wasn’t until I sort of “ahemmed” and asked if I was included, that she condescended to ask if I wanted to go too*

The difference between you and me, is that in the above scenario I'd be delighted someone was organising an extended family outing to support DD's production.

SIL, or any reasonable person, would assume that as DD's mother I already had a complimentary ticket and VIP front row seat .

So I would respond to SIL EITHER " That's great, hope you all enjoy it. I'll be at < different performance>, really looking forward to it"

OR " I'll be at the same performance, Already got my ticket"

You're just looking for offence where there was none. A self-made martyr.

Far from being "sensitive", you're demonstrating the opposite; unperceptive and thick-skinned.

That is unkind and uncalled for.

butterandjam

*Recently at a family lunch I found my sister in law was arranging a date for a “family “ outing to my DD’s Regents Park production (including my son in law’s father). It wasn’t until I sort of “ahemmed” and asked if I was included, that she condescended to ask if I wanted to go too*

The difference between you and me, is that in the above scenario I'd be delighted someone was organising an extended family outing to support DD's production.

SIL, or any reasonable person, would assume that as DD's mother I already had a complimentary ticket and VIP front row seat .

So I would respond to SIL EITHER " That's great, hope you all enjoy it. I'll be at < different performance>, really looking forward to it"

OR " I'll be at the same performance, Already got my ticket"

You're just looking for offence where there was none. A self-made martyr.

Far from being "sensitive", you're demonstrating the opposite; unperceptive and thick-skinned.

Ouch!

GrannyGravy13

Coasy I could have written your post.

I can smile and brazen things out when inside I am crying and a nervous wreck. Years of practice makes near perfect…

Your sister-in-law was tackles and thoughtless Maw

Wow, your sis in law is a piece of work, as they say. How rude of her.
I think you should say something to her, perhaps at a later date after the production.
Does your DD know about the arrangement?

butterandjam You may not have meant it to come across as such, but your comment unnecessary, rude and particularly unkind as the OP had already expressed she was upset.

Perhaps your last paragraph aimed at her could equally apply to you ?

Cricky ButterandJam that’s harsh and hard, not pleasant at all, are you always so black and white, cut and dried and actually harsh

butterandjam I find your post very hurtful and insensitive.

sixandahalf

I do think this type of hurtful behaviour is on the increase. My theory is if we wanted to let somebody down or whatever we had to do it face to face. Now people can do as they please by tapping away. Deleting, blocking, hiding.
It's horrible.

The point is that this was face to face.
Your issue is quite different and really rather irrelevant.

Yes, MawsRosie, it was tasteless and hurtful. Is she usually like this? A strange thing to do.

I have found people round here (not GN! locally) can be very cliquey sometimes. I have belonged to a group for many years but there is a Special Group of Chosen Ones within the group, run by a Queen Bee who make sure others know what a lovely time they all have when they go out for lunches, afternoon teas etc.
I'm not the only one who feels snubbed. After many years, we have decided to leave which is sad.

Why would you assume that Mum had a complimentary ticket, Butter & jam? Easy enough to check with her...

& despite your protestations, I think if you were in the situation that MawsRosie was in at that family lunch, you would have been hurt. You don't seem to have the imagination to put yourself in her place.

valdali

Why would you assume that Mum had a complimentary ticket, Butter & jam? Easy enough to check with her...

& despite your protestations, I think if you were in the situation that MawsRosie was in at that family lunch, you would have been hurt. You don't seem to have the imagination to put yourself in her place.

Regents Park Open Air theatre doesn’t give complimentary tickets!

It all sounds a bit odd. It's not unrealistic to presume that of course Maw will be going anyway however, SiL should have enquired.
Has she always been a managing sort of bossy thoughtless person? Is this just the sort of thing she would do? Try not to let it get to you Maw. It's all good for your DD.

Allira

sixandahalf

I do think this type of hurtful behaviour is on the increase. My theory is if we wanted to let somebody down or whatever we had to do it face to face. Now people can do as they please by tapping away. Deleting, blocking, hiding.
It's horrible.

The point is that this was face to face.
Your issue is quite different and really rather irrelevant.

Yes, MawsRosie, it was tasteless and hurtful. Is she usually like this? A strange thing to do.

I have found people round here (not GN! locally) can be very cliquey sometimes. I have belonged to a group for many years but there is a Special Group of Chosen Ones within the group, run by a Queen Bee who make sure others know what a lovely time they all have when they go out for lunches, afternoon teas etc.
I'm not the only one who feels snubbed. After many years, we have decided to leave which is sad.

The all too familiar put down from you.Ah well.

I’d have felt sidelined too maw. Your sister in law was being both thoughtless and mean spirited. Good for you for reminding her you were there and should be included.

Personally I think I’ve come full circle. A shy, introverted child often scared around other people I gradually became more confident, stopped assuming a tense atmosphere was my fault. Eventually I thrived in a challenging profession where I knew I was both respected and valued as a person. Retiring 11 years ago I feel I’ve come full circle, joining new groups feels impossible, I don’t feel I fit, including with parts of my family, I struggle to express my needs and find it hard to say no to people for fear of offending them. I can put on a face and act, I think part of the problem for me is I simply don’t want to.

I'm like you MawsRosie, I pick up on atmospheres and tension. To add to that, I absolutely hate confrontation. It's a very uncomfortable feeling, isn't it?

But when push comes to shove, I have been known in the past on several occasions to stand up very strongly for myself or my family to the astonishment of those who have been tactless, dismissive or thoughtless. When that has happened in the past, they have backed down pretty damn quickly, probably because they realise that is not my default setting to be quick to take offense and bite back without good reason.

I don't know what to advise, but wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel and can empathise.

I am you definitely. I’m troubled with after thought and could kick myself at a later date. All my life I think I’ve been a ‘ pleaser’ just went along with what everyone wanted to keep the peace. One day at work I sort of blew well for me it was blowing! After that day people treat me different and knew I wasn’t to be messed with. I’m ok with family as much as I love them i won’t let them use me now.