I think I’ll be alone this Christmas and can’t help feeling sad

Hi to all that are reading this. Christmas is coming & I’m so sad that I will be alone. My Daughters Husband doesn’t like me & couldn’t care less if I was alive or not.
The friends that have asked me what are you up to over Christmas, haven’t even given the slightest concern or care when I reply with I will sadly be alone.
I don’t do things for people to get anything back, although I have done so much for friends recently & in the past So it hurts that no one seems to care about me.
Am I a bad person? Why don’t people want me around?
Sadly I have illnesses which stop me being able to volunteer anywhere, although I do give money toys presents & food to my local charities
Has anyone gone through or going through what I’m going through? Xx

Hi everyone I’ve just joined. I’m going to be alone this Christmas and I’m feeling a bit lost I live in Dorset. Any tips advice or idea thank you

I agree with nanny2507 enjoy and embrace Christmas and there are many other things you can do or people who could use a visit just like yourself.

Before my sons were born we'd have my ex-husband's kids with us every other Christmas Day and on the alternate years we'd celebrate before or after the actual day. One year, we celebrated early and then went out to the store the next day. I remember very clearly wondering why the store still had decorations out when Christmas was "over"!

It really stuck with me that the holiday literally felt like whatever day I spent with my kids. This has really worked out lately because my oldest got married and his wife has a very big family. He spends Thanksgiving and Christmas morning there because on her side there are a couple of dozen people to accommodate and on my side there's just me. It honestly doesn't bother me to celebrate on a different day because I remembered those earlier experiences. I know they love me. It's just logistics.

At first my son felt awful, though, because he and his brother have always been with me on Christmas morning and on Thanksgiving. The first year I jokingly said they should come over in their pajamas and slippers and they all did! It's now our tradition. We open socks and presents in the pj's and pretended it's morning. As a bonus I get to sleep in Christmas a.m. and they get two Thanksgiving dinners!

Is there any reason why your son, dil and new gs cannot be together for Christmas Day at their home?

As you say yourself, Amicoolyet, it's just that this is a change. You'll need to adjust - and you will. I'm glad you posted and got your feelings out here. This is the place to do it.

Fortunately, you have 6 months to get used to the idea and make your plans. IMO, others have made good suggestions about volunteering, etc. Then again, you may just want to stay home and relax on the Day, watching Christmas movies or reading a good book, etc. Especially if you have a lot of excitement on the Eve or anticipate it on Boxing Day, what w/ the new GC and all.

Please remember, you'll still be seeing DS at Christmas, just not in the same way. In fact, you may see him more - on the Eve/Boxing Day and for a little while on the Day in the afternoon, as you mention. And you'll get to spend time w/ your new GC, too, which I'm sure you'll adore. It all may end up being better than you expected.

Just as you have had a routine for years so another one will take over I expect. Maybe you won't see everyone Christmas Day but it sounds as if you are being included at some point over the Christmas and difficult and different as it is it has to be faced. We have had a fairly regular routine since the GC were small but now they are bigger, some grown up, it is bound to change as they and their parents have different responsibilities. We know we have had a good run and I think/hope we are prepared for when the change comes. Take a deep breath and make some plans of your own perhaps with your sister or other friends in a similar situation.

Buffybee
You sure do have a sting like a WASP.
Dawn.

Is your sister always on her own at Christmas if so that would upset me and I would make sure she shared mine. If you get on, can't you just invite her round.? Your son needs to start his own traditions and if that means he is with his wife and child on their own that is how he wants it. You are feeling a little jealous and I am sure you won't want him to feel guilt tripped by you, you will after all have some kart of Christmas with your don, An awful lot don't get that. Both my children like me to be with them Christmas Day, the grandchildren too, they go there own thing the other days. I expect it will change when grandchildren start their own relationships, then I will do just what I want and have a curry in front of a tv with a favourite box set. I have been blessed to have had them with me so long, honestly don't expect it. I do feel sorry for those, through no fault of their own, have no one and I always invited them. People shouldn't judge you, you are new to being a widow and it takes time to adjust..

Speaking as one widowed 18 months ago I hope my comments do not come across as unkind or demonstrate any lack of understanding or empathy, but merely common sense and pragmatism.
I would never have dreamt of expecting my daughters to be apart from their husbands over Christmas. There was a point, before the relationships had developed into what was clearly destined to be a life partnership when that might have been acceptable, but certainly not once married.
Why on earth could they not both spend alternate Christmases with OP and the in-laws? Could both families not come together? And what about OP’s sister - has she been alone all these years?
As we move up the generation “ladder” we have to accept we are no longer the centre of the family hub and once there is a baby it is hardly surprising for the young family to want to spend their child’s first Christmas as a family.
Chin up!
It’s not a big deal unless OP chooses to make it one.

I also think that some of the comments are unkind and from un-empathetic people who have no idea, being widowed takes normality away and of course time is of the essence ie how long since widowhood. I have had gatharings for christmas, the week before because I remember how valuable that week was to a small family, that one week in the year which could be taken over by dashing up the motorway, entertaining and so on, rather than a time for family bonding, after the rush to christmas is over

So the gap between christmas and new year is not nice for a widowed or single person. We have to find ways to get through that time, one year I bought treats and dvds in but still had that deep inner yearning for times gone by. They were not enough to fill that lonely gap. One year I bought a big project, a spinning wheel to prep and build, it took the whole holiday and as well as treats and films, it worked. Last year I had christmas day with family and then back home to the solo life, knowing that there are countless numbers of us.

This year, maybe a holiday, after my gathering of course but the op was only saying what was in her mind, why the judgemental mean posts?

Charley, I'm not really a cat person but I think it will be fine.

Elvive please may I bring my cat?

I have no family alive any more and I manage fine- doing what I want when I want.

BlueBelle I totally agree with you and I have been astonished (not specifically about this OP) that so many parents use emotional blackmail and self-pity to try to control their adult children, instead of realising their job is done and getting on with their own lives.

I get the impression from GN that we are, mostly, an active, vibrant lot, not sitting in corners sniffing into hankies and feeling sorry that our adult, independent children no longer dance attendance upon us.

Would we really want such puppet children? I certainly wouldn't.

I really sympathize with you. I appreciate that it's 'just one day', as so many others have said, but when you've had your own family traditions for years, then suddenly it all changes, it can make you feel sad.

Even for those who are not religious, Christmas can still be a very important occasion for many of us, for when families get together. When family dynamics change, it can be hard to get used to new ways. I'm in a different situation to you, but this is going to be our first Christmas ever, since my own children were born, that my family aren't all going to be together, and, whilst I knew it would happen one day, it still upsets me. I guess it's just something that we have to get used to.

You have the birth of your grandchild to look forward to, so try to focus on that, and congratulations on being a grandmother-to-be!

Some of the comments are quite unkind. OP is just trying to explain how mixed up her emotions are. Although she’s been widowed several years her son has made sure that she’s not been alone at Christmas. Now things are changing and she will be alone for the first time. I am widowed but we had got used to spending Christmas alone as the AC had left home before DH died, she hasn’t had that experience.
I haven’t spent a Christmas alone since being widowed but have always made sure my AC know that I wouldn’t mind.

OP Do you suffer badly from anxiety? You seem to be worrying needlessly what is going to happen in 6 months time.
As another poster said enjoy the seasons.
I was alone one Christmas, daughter traveling, son in another part of the country, I Did not tell most people and when they found out they said it you could have come to us. Lovely as that was, I said nothing because that day was very relaxing on my own. Both AC contacted me by phone. I watched what I wanted on the television, ate what I liked without feeling stuffed, could drink and not have to drive. It was only the one Christmas this happened but I remembered it fondly.

I think I've got some sprouts from last year ( frozen)

I feel that the poor son maybe really worried about the reaction he’s likely to get, why else would he be making plans in June?

Elvive - get the sprouts on !

I am normally sympathy itself when it comes to parents or grandparents being on their own at Christmas, but have realised that one has to “get a grip” if one is not to appear needy. Being invited out of duty is a poor replacement for being wanted!
And I fail to understand why OP is obsessing about this with 6 months to go. Unless her son wants to give her time to get used to the idea - and form a Plan B?
I might be able to understand better if she came back and explained why the pattern of the last few years has been as it is- that just sounds weird to me. Couples belong together - Mum would not have been necessarily left out if she had included the S and DIL in her plans .
Of course if OP is disabled, extremely aged or incapacitated in any way, it might be different, so OP why don’t you give us the background to help us understand? As an afterthought OP asks if she is being a little bit selfish
just a bit, methinks.

Just offering alternatives gonegirl nothing wrong with "do gooding" as you so charmingly phrase it.

All round to Elvive's for one big party then.

Perhaps we could stop trying to turn the OP into a caring/sharing do-gooder. People either have the inclinatuon for that, or they haven't.

Doubt if she's still reading this anyway.

That's a good idea Millie everyone can relax and enjoy an extra special day.
You can still have a good day Amicoolyet with your sister and knowing your family are having their special day. As you are in good time could you offer to help with a Christmas lunch/day with other less fortunate people that's what it's all about.