Gransnet forums


How best to spend Christmas Day

(14 Posts)
Cabbie21 Tue 10-Dec-19 09:40:03

In recent years there are just the two of us on Christmas Day, and after church we have a light lunch, like a starter course, then I cook something like a small turkey crown or a roast chicken to eat around 5 pm. DH then goes away on Boxing Day for a few days to visit his daughter, so I don’t want too many leftovers, as hopefully I will get invited to my son and daughter for meals over the following days.
This year my daughter has invited us to hers for a late lunch on Christmas Day. Her in laws will also be there, 6 of them!
I really want to spend time with my grandchildren So I want to go, but DH doesn’t. He doesn’t want to eat there ( he has choking and swallowing difficulties) and hates having to be sociable.
I asked him what would make it ok for him to go and he said No meal, and no other people to have to be sociable with. So he agreed he would be happy to go for a couple of hours mid afternoon. Now the in-laws will be gone by then, and my daughter has already expressed huge relief that they aren’t staying long, so that they can be on their own as a family. I don’t know if I can dare to intrude on that family time by asking to visit at a separate time from the in laws. Also I feel I am missing out and so are the grandchildren if the visitors are all their step father’s relatives. I am trying to think this one through, to try not to upset anyone.
As an alternative DH has said I can go by myself and he will cook his own dinner, but I don’t want to do that. We need some time together as he is going away the next day. I know you can’t please all of the people all of the time, but I want to cause as few problems as possible. It is complicated.

DoraMarr Tue 10-Dec-19 09:47:55

Why does it have to be Christmas Day? Can you see your daughter and the children on Christmas Eve, perhaps taking some cakes for a mid-afternoon tea party, which your husband can join in or not. Or you could invite them to yours at a time which suits all of you. You could exchange presents with them, and it would be a nice sociable time before a very busy Christmas Day for them.

Cabbie21 Tue 10-Dec-19 10:00:42

Nice thought, but the grandchildren will be with their Dad till Christmas Day lunchtime.

DoraMarr Tue 10-Dec-19 10:05:34

Aah, I see. I think the only thing you can do, then, is to visit your daughter on your own for a short time on Christmas Day, or find another day close to Christmas when they can all come to you- your daughter will probably be glad of a break!

Granny23 Tue 10-Dec-19 10:10:56

Christmas is a season, not just one day. Why not make a short visit on Boxing Day? Your DD will have loads of left overs to feed you with and the DGC will have calmed down a bit and can show you their presents.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Tue 10-Dec-19 10:12:31

As you say, you can't please everyone. Dora's suggestion sounds a good idea - visit for a short time and return home.
I assume your daughter is aware of your husband's swallowing problems? Whichever way you slice it, someone has to compromise. Which presents the least difficulty?

Poppyred Tue 10-Dec-19 10:12:47

Yes visit your daughter on your own. Your other half sounds a bit selfish and self-absorbed to me. It’s Christmas after all why can’t he make the effort for your sake??

Loulelady Tue 10-Dec-19 10:16:33

Share what you’ve shared with us with your daughter, - missing out the bit about DH being unsocial but keeping his anxieties about swallowing and choking.
If you are only proposing a couple of hours and are clear you will have already have eaten, I doubt it will be a problem. Ask her to tell you what timing would be best.

Gonegirl Tue 10-Dec-19 10:25:10

All in all, I think you should go on your own. I think you will have a lovely time.

Don't miss out on this just because your husband is being difficult. And he is being difficult. He would only have to eat a tiny amount, and he could just sit quietly and not do a lot of socialising. Where will he be eating on Boxing Day when he "goes away"? I assume he will actually eat. To be blunt, I think he should get over himself.

Think of yourself this time.

Cabbie21 Tue 10-Dec-19 11:00:53

My daughter is well aware of my husband’s difficulties and if the in laws were not going to be there, I think he would have coped. He goes to his daughter’s on Boxing Day for a few days so naturally he will eat there. To be honest, I waver between being very understanding and very upset about his issues, but he is how he is. I feel like taking him up on his suggestion that I go on my own, but somehow think that would not be very kind, and would subject me to a lot of questioning from the in-laws. I or we will settle for going over not at meal time if my daughter agrees.
I am going to my son on Boxing Day for a meal when DH has gone, and have invited my daughter and her immediate family whilst DH is away, so I am doing my best.

NotTooOld Tue 10-Dec-19 11:45:31

Cabbie - you are piggy-in-the-middle. It happens to me all the time and I get very resentful but still always try to keep the peace. It's a pain isn't it? Best of luck with sorting this one out. flowers

rosenoir Tue 10-Dec-19 11:48:16

If you want to go then that is what you should do but it seems unfair to force your husband to do something he doesnt want to, your husband is not asking you to stay with him.

I am not a very socialable person and really resent the emotional blackmail used to make me attend events, I am not saying this is the case here.

sodapop Tue 10-Dec-19 13:39:22

Yes but Cabbie21's husband is doing his own thing from Boxing Day so he could be a little more accommodating for his wife I think. Not sure why Cabbie doesn't visit his family though. It's a shame when families have these problems at Christmas.

Cabbie21 Tue 10-Dec-19 18:45:56

Definitely not intending to visit DH’s daughter with him. Long backstory, but it just would not work. No point forcing that issue. In any case, it would not solve anything, just reduce time available for me to visit my side of the family.

Thanks to all who responded.