Why can I not give my grandchildren presents?

Summerlove

I had to come back to this

“Giving is a two way street”

No, actually it’s not. That’s giving with strings.

Giving and receiving is a two way street.

But giving is one way.

I disagree - 'giving with strings' is making the recipient beholden to the giver, or expecting them to do something in exchange for the present. Simply wanting a grandchild to know that a present was from you is not 'giving with strings'.

I do understand that the way in which Christmas is organised differs from family to family, and that this is up to the parents; but the scenario under discussion is not on the lines of what time of day the presents are opened, or similar traditions.

Can't abide "Santa* It's Father Christmas here!

Stocking/sack presents from him, others from those who gave them.

Also adopted the practice of "now that you are (insert age) Father Christmas brings the presents, but mummy and daddy have to send him the money*

Makes the child think about what they really want.

Too many toy adverts in the run up to Christmas!

I remember the granddaughter of my mother's cleaner, when asked what she wanted for Christmas replying "Everything that's on the telly"

I can't ever remember it being a big deal for us.
We half suspected it was dad who put the presents out, and we'd question things sometimes (not too much, in case we never got anything next year) but it was all fun.

I'm with Musicgirl - stockings come from Father Christmas and presents under the tree from family etc. Thank you letters go to everyone from the moment a child is old enough to hold a pencil - even if it means just their name. We now have a system amongst the adults that nothing is to cost more than a fiver and is to be eaten/drunk/ or consumed in one way or another. Home made goodies are the most welcome. No more STUFF.

I had to come back to this

“Giving is a two way street”

No, actually it’s not. That’s giving with strings.

Giving and receiving is a two way street.

But giving is one way.

Summerlove,
exactly

I thought gifts were to be given with the receiver in mind. Not about how the giver feels and the praise they get.

I think it's reasonable to say that yes, if someone - anyone, whether a grandmother or not - gives a present then some of that transaction is about their satisfaction. Otherwise they aren't giving a present so much as acceding to demands.

It's great if families can co-operate about things such as presents at times like Christmas, to stop duplicates, or to avoid situations where a child might be given something they won't be allowed to play with, but otherwise, surely it is presumptuous to insist on a particular way of giving? Where does it stop? I only want red wrapping paper? I want donations in lieu of gifts? I want, I want - giving is about far more than that, IMO - it is a two-way street.

Parents do seem to be very demanding these days. Some of it seems to start with the weddings with guests being asked to wear particular colours and buy from the "official" wedding list. But it goes into overdrive when children arrive with pages of rules that must be adhered to if grandparents want to babysit. Feeding timetables, foods that are allowed, how much TV may be watched, how much time with the tablet. Fortunately DD never enquired too deeply into whether her instructions had been followed. As long as the children and I had survived the day and the house was still standing she was happy. Since GS2 was born on Boxing Day there's really been no time to bother about who gives what on Christmas Day, we've got another round of present giving to prepare for on Boxing Day.

"Your son and DIL are rude and presumptuous to dictate how you give presents to their children."

I would say it is the other way round. Grandparents do not make parenting decisions

" I can’t see the point of it, all it does is deprive you of the pleasure of giving and the children the knowledge that you have chosen the presents from them."
So you confirm this is all about what the grandmother wants and what gives her satisfaction.
The children could care less that the present comes from grandma or parents or whomever and the thought the giver put into it. They just want to play with the present!

Oh dear. So many families celebrate in different ways. The kids are tiny and its not worth falling out over. Our family knows that Santa brings gifts from everone who wanted to send a present along side special ones just from him.... Thats how clever he is! My 40 yr old and 34 yr old love their stockings and special Santa gifts even now... Tis the season to be jolly tra la la la laaa la la la laaaaaaa!??

I can understand your frusration and think it should be the same for all your granchildren. Today I saw something which may give them pause for thought - it was a letter asking parents not to let their children think all presents came from Santa because it caused a lot of upset when her kids saw that other kids had been give an ipad and she had only got a small present. Her child cried thinking Santa cared more for other kids than her. How sad is that!!?

We always used to say that Father Christmas brought the stockings and all the other presents were from us and other people. They never had a problem with this. They also grew out of believing in him at around seven or eight, about the right age. What l fail to understand is the number of parents these days who seem to want to prolong the belief long beyond this age. It is as if they are infantilising them in this way and it surely leaves them open to ridicule from their peers.

Your son and DIL are rude and presumptuous to dictate how you give presents to their children. I can’t see the point of it, all it does is deprive you of the pleasure of giving and the children the knowledge that you have chosen the presents from them. Are your son and DIL hard up or too tight-fisted to do Santa’s presents by themselves?

When mine were young, used to do the exciting gifts from Father Christmas and just little things from me. My son pointed out that I gave rubbish presents, but Santa gave great ones! Following year, Santa was on the back foot...They seem to have survived psychologically!

I always wrote a list of who gave what as presents were unwrapped then helped them write little Thank you notes afterwards. Now my daughter does the same with her children . You can use stickers and new stationary to make it fun. Thats how children learn to say Thank you.

My parents used to fill a pillow case with gifts from Santa at the foot of my bed, then later on after breakfast we went through to the front room and there were gifts under the tree with the giver's name on, so I had the fun of Santa as well as knowing relatives had remembered me at xmas.

If that's what the parents want you have to go along with it.

Well when I was little and believed in Father Christmas that’s where all my presents came from same with my children once they had passed the believing stage they came from whoever they came from with a Santa stocking My youngest daughter carried this on longer than I expected but in the end I m sure all of my grandkids knew in their hearts that they were presents from mum or Nan etc

Can’t you just hand the presents to all the children without an announcement of who they are from just say look what was left at my house as they get older they ll cotton on to what was left at your house was bought by you without a big fanfare or explanation everyone will be happy and you wont have rocked your daughter in laws boat

Where will the gifts be put? Does this mean that you pass the gift to the parents and they hand them the gifts one by one? Santa lasts (these days) maybe 7-8 years (earlier if other kids tell them in school) so what will they do then?

Santa brought all our Christmas presents when I was a child (and left them in a pillow case), but as well as those that were from him, he delivered on behalf of all my relatives too. The parcels were labelled accordingly, so it was clear who each one was from - essential, so they could be thanked!

What a pity the OP's DS and DiL can't have that kind of compromise.

I think a lot of relatives (especially those who only see the children infrequently) wouldn't want to bother sending a gift if they couldn't even put their name on it. I know that I wouldn't.

I totally understand how you must feel, OP.

If they are making rules now, be ready for lots more as the children get older.

What happens if friends and neighbours give them gifts?
Personally I would give them a small gift from Nannys Santa and put some money away for them, you can open a Grandparent Account for them, I still think it’s a shame though and I do feel sorry for you.

Just a thought, are your son and DIL actually going to buy the children anything from Santa themselves ? or are they relying on your and other family gifts to make up the Santa presents? Maybe it’s a cost cutting idea.

I would be asking questions like 'What do you want me to say to them when they ask me why we don't buy them anything like we do our other grandson?' If they are forcing this on you, it's their responsibility to help you come up with a suitable answer.

I think that asking for advice from them on what to say if the children query it is at least bringing your worries into the open. However I also think that it might be best to stay quiet, do as asked, wait to see how things go as the children grow and pick your conversation with the parents very carefully. I agree with Hithere, you need to tread carefully, even though I understand your disappointment/concern

Mauddib you are reading an awful lot into the situation that was never suggested by the OP!

Something that has occurred to me, though, is whether your DIL's parents are in a different financial situation from you? Is she concerned that one set of her children's grandparents will be giving more than the other, and not wanting to cause awkwardness?

If that is the case, it is a bit of a minefield. On the one hand, there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to give the sort of present you would like to; but on the other, it would be a shame if the other grandparents felt embarrassed as a result (or it could be the other way round - this is blind conjecture on my part!)

Again, the answer could be to keep Christmas low key, and do your own thing on the children's birthdays, when you are less likely to be compared with the other grandparents.

It's simple really, their children, their rules. Fairness doesn't really come into it.