Why can I not give my grandchildren presents?

Hetty58 my husband always did the wrapping, and made sure the "present from Santa" was wrapped in a different paper ?

Following one Christmas when one of ur children asked, having opened a pile of presents, “Well those were all from Father Christmas, what did you buy for us? “We told them that as Father Christmas could not afford to buy presents for all the children in the world, parents had to pay for them, but Father Christmas left them on Christmas Eve. This seemed to resolve the problem until they were old enough to realise otherwise.

I'm pretty sure that my kids, when little, just ripped off the wrapping paper and paid no attention to where they came from.

One year, though, when second son was five, he said 'Oh, that's funny, look Mum, Father Christmas has the same wrapping paper as you!'

When our daughter was small, all of the presents from us were from Santa Claus. [He was always given his full name at our house. Don't know why really, except that he was always called this in my childhood] Presents from relatives were put under the tree, either before the big day or as they arrived on Christmas day. Relatives presents were opened after lunch and were always from the relative concerned. There was always a little reminder the day before about showing appreciation to those who had been kind enough to bring her a gift. Those there on the day were thanked verbally at the present opening and again as they left. Only those not there on the day got a written thank yon.

When my grandchildren came along, lunch was at our house. I wasn't given any instructions by my daughter, so when they were small they had Santa Claus presents at both their home and mine. Other people's gifts were from them and a little thank you card was sent as soon as they could write their name.
They are aged 15 and 12 now so over the years they gradually became aware that grandma and grandad gave them gifts, not Santa Claus and so began thanking us. It never bothered me that when they were little they thought gifts at ours were not from us. We liked it that way. Horses for courses I suppose. Everybody is different. They have always been loving and appreciative where ever the gifts came from.

I find this a strange idea. When my children were small, their main pressies were under the tree, from ourselves, g.parents, and aunts and uncles. These were all opened on Christmas morning (after Nanna and Grandpa had arrived 25th December was also my parents wedding anniversary).

They did have a few things in their pillowcases from Santa overnight. However, we were at pains to tell them that we had to pay Santa for the cost of those presents.

If children see Santa as a some sort of magic money tree, they will start to ask for things that may be well beyond the financial capacity of families to provide. We also used to tell our children, that we gave Santa extra to help towards the costs of providing pressies for those children whose parents could not afford it.

Originally, we tried to have tree presents opened the end of Christmas dinner, but soon gave that up, as it meant they were so excited, they hardly ate very much and kept trying to hurry us adults through out meals. So, we started doing the morning opening, and ensured that each parcel was noted as to whom it was from.

Do think it is important that children know who gives them their presents, not just think that they all appear by magic.

Liverbird - Have just seen a post from elsewhere from a social worker which made a really compelling point that I think settles the argument once and for all. She was asking all parents to be clear about who large presents came from and not attribute them to Santa. She has had many of her poorer parents in tears because, when their children hear about the expensive presents other children got from Santa, they ask why they weren't good enough to get the same. QED.

It may have come about because of different financial situations in your DIL’s family or competitive Grans as one of my friends had. Interestingly it was always his parents who were blamed though both were trying to outdo each other to a ridiculous extent.

Hithere

There are two different issues about thanking for a present and strings attached to a present

Yes, it is polite to say thank you when you are given a present. While it hurts not to be said thank you, it is not the end of the world.
Being rude reflects on them, not you, the giver.

The complications come when:
1. The giver doesnt think the thanking is proper - for example, it was a verbal thank you and the giver is not satisfied, he/she was expecting a handwritten thank you note.
There could be tension in the air because the giver resents not been thanked "properly"

2. The giver may request a picture of the child wearing the present.
Or ask why the child is not wearing the present, playing with the present, etc.
Resentment may grows on both sides because now when a present is given, conditions are attached to it

3. Clear strings attached are giving presents with a secondary intent: tickets to the movies, weekend away for the parents so the giver takes care of the child.
Big no no.

4. The obvious "but I got you x and you cannot do this for me!"

Once a present is given, it is out of your hands what is done with it.

I don’t wish to be rude but I feel I’ve been given a lecture - about something as simple as my liking good manners
All sorts of ulterior motives read into a simple thank you.
Over and out.

If the daughter in law insists everything comes from 'Santa', I'd tell her to tell 'Santa' to buy them all himself and give my present at a later time, maybe Boxing Day or New Year.

It tells me you made a choice as the mother that worked for your family.

Good ideas on here to buy premium bonds and keep them until the children are older. Great start for their university time or a car. Also, tell him that, in GB, it is Father Christmas and not (Santa). Americanism, i think.

I also think that gifts should be given with no strings. The difference between our points of view, I think, is that I also think that for someone outside of the giving/receiving dynamic to dictate the way in which the gift should be given is out of order, and I think that not allowing a grandmother to give a gift that is recognised as being from her is unacceptable behaviour.

If the mother wants the children to think that Santa brought all the presents that the parents bought, that is up to her. To insist that everyone else goes along with that as regards their own presents seems to me unreasonable. A lot of people get pleasure from giving, as much as from receiving, and it seems quite spiteful to deny them this pleasure.

The OP hasn't said that she insists on a 'thank you', or expects it in a particular manner - I'm not sure where that came from.

When my son was about four he wanted a particular gift for Christmas, and the shops had sold out everywhere, so we told him that Santa was unable to get one, but that we would try to get him one for his birthday in February. He was happy with that, but then I managed to get one in time for Christmas.

My MIL hadn't bought presents for the children at that point, and I let her give my son the present. He was so thrilled, and kept saying that even Santa couldn't get one but Gran had done what Santa couldn't . The pleasure that she got from that was lovely to see, I was delighted to have 'given' her that feeling, and my son loved his present (something to do with cars bumping into one another). I'm not sure what that says to you about any of us (), but for us it made for a really happy Christmas all round.

For the record, I always taught my children to say thank you. I believe in manners as well. But I also agree that it says more about the receiver than the giver. Once the giver starts expecting a thank you and getting upset that it’s not forthcoming, that becomes something about the giver.

I have always been a firm believer of giving a gift and expecting nothing in return.

Hithere I’ll add 5.
5. How it is received.

There are two different issues about thanking for a present and strings attached to a present

Yes, it is polite to say thank you when you are given a present. While it hurts not to be said thank you, it is not the end of the world.
Being rude reflects on them, not you, the giver.

The complications come when:
1. The giver doesnt think the thanking is proper - for example, it was a verbal thank you and the giver is not satisfied, he/she was expecting a handwritten thank you note.
There could be tension in the air because the giver resents not been thanked "properly"

2. The giver may request a picture of the child wearing the present.
Or ask why the child is not wearing the present, playing with the present, etc.
Resentment may grows on both sides because now when a present is given, conditions are attached to it

3. Clear strings attached are giving presents with a secondary intent: tickets to the movies, weekend away for the parents so the giver takes care of the child.
Big no no.

4. The obvious "but I got you x and you cannot do this for me!"

Once a present is given, it is out of your hands what is done with it.

You can buy your GC presents OP, your DS and DIL have told you what their tradition for Christmas is going to be. The issue as I see it isn’t that you can’t give the gift, but that you won’t see them open it and get their reaction.
My family worked similarly to that of your DS in terms of tradition, all gifts were under our tree and opened with our parents on Christmas morning with our immediate family. As we got older and thank yous were for my brother and I to deliver (when we were actually aware of what was going on), we were told which presents different people had requested for us from Father Christmas and we’d do calls or notes when we were old enough.
The concept of opening gifts at Christmas in other peoples homes is an alien one to me, but my children were there when cousins on their dads side were given gifts on various occasions and they were not bothered in the slightest, because that was their normal.
You may not agree and you may be hurt, and I do understand that it is a departure from your own tradition, however families have to make their own traditions and obviously your DIL feels strongly about this for her children. My advice would be to go with what they’ve asked. Also, depending on how COVID develops there is a high likelihood that you wouldn’t be able to have all your GC together with their parents at your home anyway - so it may be a moot point.

GillT57

While I understand that all families have their own traditions, this strikes me as very hard for several reasons. Firstly, the children are not learning about gift giving and thanking people for their gifts, secondly, what happens when they go to school and their friends talk about the gifts they got from grandparents, will they think theirs don't care? Thirdly, I am very uncomfortable with the 'santa brings toys for good girls and boys' mantra, what about their peers who get less? Will they think they have not been good, are not 'liked' by Santa? I don't know what I would do in your position, but for what it is worth, I am on your side. Oh, and by the way, while we are on the subject of traditions, what about your son's traditions? Pah humbug

GillT57*

Good point!

We always had presents from Father Christmas left on the end of the bed in stocking or pillow case (I had a cunning plan with that ) and presents from US and friends/relatives under the tree.

However dil tradition is that Father Christmas leaves all presents under the tree. Oh well, horses for courses, I suppose.

Personally I think my way is better (well I would, wouldn't I!) Partly because it spreads it out a bit, open some upstairs with parents, enjoy looking at, playing with etc, before going downstairs for another wrapping paper ripping session.

Thank you to those who agreed with my post.

I LOVE to keep the Father Christmas thing going for as long as possible, but also think that injecting a bit of "realism", as in managing expectations isn't a bad idea!

While I understand that all families have their own traditions, this strikes me as very hard for several reasons. Firstly, the children are not learning about gift giving and thanking people for their gifts, secondly, what happens when they go to school and their friends talk about the gifts they got from grandparents, will they think theirs don't care? Thirdly, I am very uncomfortable with the 'santa brings toys for good girls and boys' mantra, what about their peers who get less? Will they think they have not been good, are not 'liked' by Santa? I don't know what I would do in your position, but for what it is worth, I am on your side. Oh, and by the way, while we are on the subject of traditions, what about your son's traditions? Pah humbug

Ok so nit should be not....

Summerlove. I can’t agree with you. Teaching a child to say thank you is nit about strings, it’s about manners. I’ve got a bit of a bee in my proverbial about manners.

Phoenix. Yes.

Simply wanting a grandchild to know that a present was from you is not 'giving with strings'.

But that’s not a two way street either. I agree the grandchild should know who the gift is from, but to what result?

What do you expect from the child knowing? What are your expectations of their reaction?

A thank you is nice, but to expect it, does actually make the gift come with strings. Even if they are small thin ones.

They must make their own family rules. Be content that the children will enjoy your gifts.

phoenix - yes x