I intensely dislike christmas.

Your daughter wont know unless you tell her

Exactly! I think you need to talk kindly but honestly to each other

Something along those lines Lucca and a large Baileys to hand.

lemongrove

I think the OP should try and relax as much as possible, there are weeks to go before the big day.Every evening I put on my
Furry ( not quite a onesie) and listen to lovely Christmas music ...

Watching some Christmas films too I trust. Presents (already discussed with all recipients ) all wrapped, sprouts on,

Hi, I am not surprised you are miserable. An autistic person must find it a huge strain when family descend on you. We have an Autistic child in the family, and they cant stand noise, and any change to their routine. And I would suspect, when the visitors go home, you bear the brunt of it. Be brave, and tell your daughter how you feel, not the little gits bit though. You life must be very determined by your son. You must be exhausted. Your daughter might feel shes supporting you by coming for the day. Time to be honest. Maybe boxing day, for a shorter visit, and a few snacks. Your daughter wont know unless you tell her

Granyscrooge, you have my sympathy.

I recommend you simplify the ceremony by giving them fish fingers and chips with green peas and ketchup. Followed by bought pudding of some sort that wont give the children indigestion.

Can you buy the sort of door stop that wedges under doors that are to remain out of bounds?

Buy a lot of cheap small toys and mess- free modelling clay. You dole out toys at intervals when boredom sets in.

Nothing wrong with 'little gits', it sounds like a good description to me. Children are not brought up to be seen and not heard anymore. You only have to visit the nearest supermarket to find that is true. I think I'd put up with it if I were you, though. So many old people are on their own, especially this year, and you may regret it if you turn them away. On the other hand, you should tell your daughter that you cannot manage Christmas dinner on your own. You could say you will provide the food but that she will have to cook it. If she is ok for money tell her to bring the food and you will lend her your kitchen. And get a lock put on your bedroom door, GrannyScrooge. Hope it goes well.

We came away from visiting a relative of my husband's just before Christmas one year and he declared that was the last time, we wouldn't be going back until their children had left home.
They were spoilt as well.
I didn't argue with his decision!

It sounds very reasonable to me.
Grandsons are gits, too.

I think the OP should try and relax as much as possible, there are weeks to go before the big day.Every evening I put on my
Furry ( not quite a onesie) and listen to lovely Christmas music ...

Sophiasnana

Lucca, not sure what you mean? Do you mean you dont believe Grannyscrooge?

It just sounds a bit OTT.

Please allow yourself to forego the holiday activities. You will not have to endure the stress and concerns that seem to worsen your physical conditions. The children will be free to enjoy the holiday without feeling guilty about their exuberance. No apologies are needed.

My initial post seems a bit harsh.
At the time of typing I did not have all the facts.
However the use of the term “ little gits” does conjure up the image of someone who is bitter.

The little gits term is probably just reflecting exhaustion. As long as she has used it here and not in front of the kids, it's probably just a way to get her frustration off her chest.

Being a full time carer, especially with your own pain, is exhausting. Caregiver burn out is a thing. I can totally see why a carer would need to let off some steam in a place away from her family.

Well you have the perfect excuse not to have the "little gits" (made me laugh too!) this year. Just say you're worried about Covid and you don't think socialising over the Christmas period is a good idea. You can just stay at home with your son then and not bother with all the cooking etc.

Lucca, not sure what you mean? Do you mean you dont believe Grannyscrooge?

Have never heard a grandma say her DGC were ‘little gits’ and they were not happy to see them.What a sad state of affairs!
Especially when a new poster to GN says that.....near Christmas too.
Good tidings of comfort and joy eh?

It’s really back to my war cry of how many of us are spending Christmas exactly as we want, and you definitely are not. As others have said, surely it’s time to call a halt?
I loved everything about Christmas when our children were wee, and we just stayed at home on our own, and my parents popped in for drinks on Christmas Day. It was lovely. Then later, the Bodach’s stepfather died, so we were lumbered with his mother and aunt, then other relatives who would be alone. Sadly, after that my mother died at Christmas, as did my father a few years later so we escaped to the sun at Christmas. Last Christmas the Bodach was dying, so once again I’ve another reason to dislike Christmas. Mind you, I am glad we made the decision to go away for those years, as at least we enjoyed some Christmases together in more recent years. Please speak up now, so that you too can enjoy some peaceful time to yourself, doing what YOU want.

A lot of women feel the same, in fact it seems that the female population devide quite distinctly into two camps, those who really really love it, and the rest of us who don't.
I was thinking the other day that I put of a cheerful face, spend several weeks preparing for one day watching the family demolish what I've prepared - and I'm expected to enjoy it!
Why?
I have two little gits of grandkids too, people are allowed to call their grandchildren gits if that's what they are! How DARE they go into my bedroom and root among my things? My makeup and underwear are NOT their toys, and their parents think its funny. Going into my private room and opening my private drawers is just not on! but their parents (OK my son and his wife) think the children are bright and funny. The children should be chastised for invading other people's privacy.
No I hate Christmas.
I too have pain issues and at 80 I think its about time Christmas was made FOR me, not BY me! Its exhausting.
And don't get me started on New Year's Eve, expected to go out for a meal and an evening of artificial jollity and kiss a lot of strangers? Thank gawd what won't happen this year.

Really!!! I spent ages replying feeling like a horrible person because initially I was not sympathetic until we were told more reasons

Why would someone do that?

Lucca

Still not convinced, sorry.

I agree

I feel so concerned for you. You sound exhausted. Do you get any respite from caring for your son? I don’t know the details and if he can be left alone for a few hours, but if so, would you be able to go and open presents with your DD and her family? Would your son be happier to stay at home?
You clearly need to change things and that may take energy and diplomacy that you are struggling to summon up. If the travel time between you and your DD, could you work out how to spend just part of the day together or meet on Boxing Day. This year is the perfect year to make changes or just a change for this year even. Use COVID as an excuse. It is not too late - there are more than two weeks to sort things out.
In the longer term, I hope you can have a break where you do what you want. If I understood more about your son’s situation it would be possible to make other suggestions, but the pressure of having an adult child still at home needing support is immense.
I have recently put a lock on the office/sewing room door for safety and privacy. I have paperwork on the desk that I don’t want anyone also to look at.
Children who rampage around are sometimes bored; can you set up an activity for the children after presents are opened, decorating biscuits, with help if necessary, setting the table, folding napkins, lots of praise.
Good luck. Come back and speak to us and get it off your chest. I’ve had some very grumpy
Christmases for which I deserve a medal for the smile I kept on my face.

Mistyped - should have been chastise

Smileless
chastice - transitive verb.
1 : to censure severely : castigate
2 : to inflict punishment on (as by whipping)
Merriam Webster Dictionary
I was ruling out meaning 2 when I said, "I don't think you should physically chastise them. "

I can see you actually love the “little gits”.
Christmas is such a stressful time. I have got toys for my little ones, spread out on the dining table and now I can’t remember what’s for who .........

Grannyscrooge, you are a full time carer to your son, you have a pain condition, this is a more demanding time of year for you. You sound frazzled and tired to me. Being a carer is demanding even without our own health issues on top of it. Who is looking after you?

You can and need to change things for yourself. The cottage is a great idea and you have a right to decide how you want to spend Christmas. If you want to spend it at home, you can tell everyone that you are having a quiet Christmas at home with your son this year. If they are disappointed, they will get over it and make their own plans.

You are allowed to have a talk to the parents ahead of visits and let them know that you would like them to stop their children going through your things. If they don't, you have the right to tell them to please not go into Gma's cupboards, or redirect them, or ask their parents to please ask their children to stop going through your cupboards. You also have the right to reduce visits.

Limits on visits and actions with your grandchildren and adult children, especially in your own home, are okay.

I wonder though, do you always feel this way or is this just a Christmas thing? If it is Christmas, make changes. You aren't obligated to do anything. It's stressful for your son who lives with you anyway, so better for you both. If it goes beyond the season, a chat with your doctor might be in order to see what support you can get to make things easier.