I intensely dislike christmas.

Dear Grannyscrooge, you're not alone. I'm so sad for you having health issues yourself + being overwrought bt Christmas + negative comments on here. I'm always glad when it's Boxing Day and on New Years day I have my own private celebration because it's all over for another year. I'm religious as well, but Christmas is all spoilt by commercialism. Warmest wishes Grannyscrooge.

If your grandchildren are naughty in your home, it is because you have allowed them to be. You should have laid down the house rules from the beginning. Also, tell your family you want a year off and you'll go to them instead for the meal. Don't blame your weakness to stand up for yourself on others.

Why shouldn't the OP "chastise" her GC if they aren't behaving in her home janeainsworth? It may suit their parents for the children to be let loose and do whatever they want but it's perfectly reasonable for them to be told otherwise in someone else's home.

When our boys were little my friend used to refer to them and her's as "little gitlings"; always raised a smile then from the boys, and still does today.

Time to make changes, Grannyscrooge. Take a deep breath and tell your family that you won't be able to host any of them this Christmas because you are in too much pain, it is too much work, and you worry too much about the children damaging things and interfering in your house, so you are going to give it a miss this year. Add that you hope they will all get together with each other of couirse, and you wouls love to join them over Zoom to wish them a happy Christmas and watch each other opening presents.

Then start planning how to meet them NOT at Christmas, when the "little gits" are not high with excitement and might be better company, and you will enjoy being with everyone so much more. However, no need to fall out with them, or rant dramatically about hating Christmas. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

If you had explained in your first post all the problems you mentioned in your second post I'm know my reply would have been different

You don't like Christmas
Your autistic son does not like Christmas
You are in a lot of pain
Your condition makes you feel down
Your grandsons are disrespectful to you and your home
Your daughter does not have a lot of time for you at the moment
She does not check her children when they are at your house
There is a lot of work involved in having family for Christmas
You are tired and dreading what should be a happy time
Nobody seems to know just how you are feeling about all of this
We are in the middle of a pandemic

So why do pretend it's all ok ?
Your daughter could invite you and your son and then you could leave when it all gets too much

I think there is a serious conversation to be had with your family as you must be a very good actress to cover up all these problems.
I hope you realise that this is a supportive reply and not a criticism

But don't let them get away with it. x

Why oh why don’t you ask your dd for a little help? She probably thinks you enjoy doing it all by yourself. There is no shame in needing help as we get older especially in your case with an autistic son to think about. Otherwise if you can afford it buy ready prepared vegetables and ready to bake meat, boughten Christmas pud and mince pies. Don’t make yourself a martyr.

Don't be sorry for how you feel, Grannyscrooge. I would think that you have reached a stage where you've had enough of preparation, catering, cleaning, shopping, dressing the tree, wrapping presents etc., You say you put on a front because the family love to come to you. Bet they do. Most people struggle at some time in their lives to organise, work and pay for a Christmas and start to make their own memories. Sounds like your family need to start doing this for themselves - and on occasion organising a lovely day to include you, if you want.

You honestly need to tell your Daughter how you feel - largely about the work that having Christmas at yours involves for you. Get rid of all that resentment. You're getting older etc., and you'd like to do something different which will lift the responsibility from you. Next year, maybe?Think about that cottage. This year if you can arrange it, but you've possibly left it a bit late. Make the effort to talk to her as soon as you're able after this one. I would. Does she realise how much you struggle with your pain and disability? Adult children so often overlook the fact that their Mums and Dads are getting older. Doing anything which doesn't give you pleasure each year is really crazy when you think about it. You've done your bit, now let it be someone else's turn. Speak up and speak out (omitting the bit about the gits, perhaps) and you'll feel much better and no longer resentful. You do deserve to have the Christmas you want.

Sorry that should read sewing machines.

My two have been known to be little gits at times. Nothing unusual in that. They're kids. They get better as they get older.

Lucca Tue 08-Dec-20 15:20:35 Probably not. All the hallmarks.

Once this Christmas is over Grannyscrooge you need to tell your D that you found it particularly difficult and have decided that you can no longer accommodate her and her family on the day.

It does sound as if all of the excitement and unruly behaviour is too much for your son too and that you could both do with a break from it.

Your happiness is important too, and as well as having those wonderful memories of Christmas when your children were young, you should have wonderful memories of Christmas from this time in their lives too.

If you do this just after Christmas you and your family have an entire year to plan for the next one and who knows, what ever is decided may be the start of a new tradition, one that you can enjoy too.

Perhaps just put a few decorations to please you and nobody else. And buy or bake some eats and eat them before Christmas. The run-up to Christmas is often the best part of it. You enjoy yourself.

You need to tell your daughter that it’s too much for you now, and although it’s probably too near to replan for this year, tell her that you will go to them next Christmas if they want to spend it with you - offer to do some of the cooking in advance to help her, and leave when you’ve had enough. She probably doesn’t realise, and would feel terrible if she knew how much it takes out of you?

janeainsworth

I think the word 'git' is a horrible word to use about an old person, but about a child, it's unspeakable.

No one says anything to them and if we dare chastise them we feel like monsters.

You 'chastise' them?

Yes we tell them not to touch things that can hurt them like my expensive swing machines or my husbands woodwork tools. Is that wrong? But as soon as we say anything like "don't touch that it's dangerous or you might break it, their father comes running over and comforts them like we have beaten them. The equipment is put away out of their reach but they have no boundaries and go where they shouldn't.

You've got to stop trying! Stand up for yourself. Don't hesitate to tell them off. And tell your daughter what's what if she objects. Don't let them spoil things for you. ?

I bought a 10ft swimming pool, 4ft deep, for our garden so they could have somewhere to go swimming while the pools were closed through the summer. I do everything for my grandsons. The eldest told his dad that Nana will sort things out when his electric ride on car, we bought him, broke. I hide my feelings away. I just want a nice grandchildren who are happy and don't feel the need to sneer at me before trashing my bedroom. I try my best to please people but I seem to be failing miserably.

...^Christmas and mine!!^

You're not alone, grannyscrooge.
I feel much the same, and it's legal. Liking Christmas isn't compulsory, however much others do.

My Mother did Chri5with a big dollop of resentment
I hear you Missfoodlove mone too!
But the circumstances are different for Grannyscrooge

I think the added info you gave us grannyscrooge changes how people will reply

Grannyscrooge

I'm sorry, I just feel so miserable.

I'm not surprised you feel miserable

Chronic pain is a massive burden

It saps your energy. It's exhausting.

They love to come to yours which proves you put on a good show.

You have a lot on your shoulders

Can't say anything to help really

I wish I could

I think the word 'git' is a horrible word to use about an old person, but about a child, it's unspeakable.

No one says anything to them and if we dare chastise them we feel like monsters.

You 'chastise' them?

Any chance of a Frank and full discussion of your situation with your daughter?

Missfoodlove

I feel so sad reading this post.

To refer to your own flesh and blood as a little git is grim.

Perhaps you need to think carefully before having anyone in your home this Christmas.

As a child my mother did Christmas with a big dollop of resentment.
It was awful.
You could cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I have no happy memories of a childhood Christmas.

To think of little children going through that is awful.

That's the point, no one knows how I feel, they all choose to come here. They are not invited, my daughter loves christmas with us, she could go to her husbands parents but wants to spend it with us. They open their presents and then head straight here to spend the day. I don't let them know how I feel, I would never do that. As much as the boys are a pain, they are still children and I wouldn't ruin Christmas for them. I keep my misery to myself so everyone is happy. I paint on a happy smile and get through the day.

I'm sorry you feel this badly Granyscrooge