I intensely dislike christmas.

So sorry you are dreading Christmas so much. I can empathise with you regarding your pain I suffer with RSD/CRPS, so have an inkling of your suffering.
As you are dreading this Christmas so much, could you use the Covid restrictions as an option to opt out of having to host the day? Or is your DD and her family part of your bubble?

Just a thought ... Can’t you get your daughter to host Christmas then you can just leave when you’ve had enough?! Tell her you are not well enough to do it this year?!

grannyscrooge, I think you should have a serious talk to your daughter or write it in a letter, explaining your health issues and depression over Christmas. If she's any kind of loving daughter she will understand and pretending everything is all right is doing no one any favours.
Have you thought about some kind of respite care for your son either leading up to Christmas or after, maybe too late this year but it might give you breathing space.
I think Christmas is over rated and over commercialised and have enjoyed it less since my own mother died at age 57.
She used to host big Christmas lunches and teas and used to get exhausted by it.
If I could I would sail away for Christmas!
best love
Jac

I’m so sorry you feel like this and if going away on your own is what you want to do ....... then do it

I rented a cottage last new year for just me and my dog and had the most wonderful time doing just what I wanted.
Did I feel guilty? No...... it was just what I needed, away from the hustle and bustle and expectations of everyone else

Oh Grannyscrooge, I feel exactly the same, I hate the fuss, the consumer rip off culture that people feel they have to somehow aspire to and the overall horribleness of all the negotiations around who? Where? When? I too spend a lot of the "festive" season close to tears. I find it a horribly lonely time of year in a way that has nothing to do with being alone.
My solution is to focus on the Winter solctice and the return of the light - far more evocative and hopeful!

Dear grannyscrooge...its because you are so easy going that they love coming to you. And that is a compliment. On a negative side it could be seen as you being taken for granted and an easy option...perhaps you have always pampered your daughter...but now you have to put up with her little boys who you amusingly call little gits - o god aren't they all - and it looks like she pampers her children too.
So it seems to me that you are loath to forego your daughter's company and are cross because it comes with so much else. She obviously feels very safe and comfortable and loved in your company and would not feel the same in her husband's family. I think we all understand that.
But as an adored daughter in the past who loved going to her mums at Christmas with my children I did expect it to be all about them and my children to be adored because they were mine...like my dog later on was adored by my mum because he was mine. I loved her so much for loving what I loved. And I miss her love madly. Having said that for the last 35 years of her life she came to me for Christmas and helped me make it homely. Since she has died I have rather lost interest...my sons family wont visit? no idea why, we manage to all get together at my daughters as my DIL prefers that. I cant even imagine what it would be like to have my grandchildren at my house on Christmas day at least this year there is a decent excuse.
So good luck grannyscrooge you must be doing a lot that is right. And all children are little gits at heart and get away with what they can! My granddaughters when they do visit my house (round about my birthday) march straight upstairs get in my bed...raid the bookshelves put on any make up and I smile and laugh glad to be out of the way of my son's wife and just be with them...as its the only time I ever have, but it is odd. All families are odd in their own ways. And people are contrary...because you are not begging their company you are irresistable!

One year our usual Christmas hosts just said 'we won't be doing it again this year'. No fuss, no reasons (we all knew which one the 'git' was though and it wasn't the DGC). They were getting older too and it was too much for them. AC just do not realise how debilitating it is being in pain and having less energy, so don't expect them to. Concentrate on your DS and your needs. Maybe say that you can't manage to cook a Christmas meal this year, is that a problem? Maybe your DD will have just as lovely a time in her own home. Do break the cycle before it breaks you. Generally you sound worn out, do try to get help yourself during the year if you can.

I don't know why I find myself being sad at Christmas . I don't mind buying the presents , doing the food shopping and cooking the food . I'm not sure if it's because of people who have past or family that I am estranged from . I always put on a brave face , so not to spoil anyone else's Christmas but I could cry at a top of hat . I'm really also not fussed about receiving gifts but I refuse to ruin anyone else's Christmas . So I will have to pull on my big girl pants and carry on .

I hate to admit it but I dread Christmas too. Its the sheer hard work. The presents buying and wrapping, the house decorating, the big grocery shop. On the day my husband and I are working for hours in the kitchen. He always gets tetchy and I feel tearful. He gets so tired he cant/won't eat his dinner when its ready. Everyone comes to us without a second thought.

And to Ladyleftfieldlover: “... it’s not rocket science.” Rather patronising and unhelpful don’t you think?

Possibly tell (nicely) your DD and SIL in advance that you and DH would be grateful if they warned the GC to behave and intervened in their unruly behaviour when they are in your house, because you are feeling very frail these days? It is easy for young parents to assume that GPs are as enthralled by their sprogs as they are. It might come even better from your DH.

Grannyscrooge you have my full support. Gransnetters may make some helpful suggestions but, like you, I have a painful condition and the thought of all the hassle of booking a cottage or an hotel and journeying there would defeat me as I have no mental or physical energy. I completely understand your feelings about your grandchildren: it’s a different world to the one we grew up in and the pressure put on modern parents by their working lives plus the revolting commercialisation of Christmas seems to cause them to be reluctant to discipline their children. My own grown-up children have accused me of being too strong a disciplinarian in their childhood, but I was holding down a full-time job and had to have co-operation from them. It sounds awful, but I am pleased I’m self shielding and will only have my gloomy husband to put up with. The idea of previous Christmases, slaving after everybody makes me shudder. I wish you all the best.

Tell your daughter that this year you are having a quiet Christmas. She will probably be relieved and can either visit her husband’s family without feeling divided in two, or they can have a family Christmas on their own. You can have a celebration day out in the summer all together (maybe with other in-laws). This year everybody has a readymade excuse for doing whatever they want to do. Once a precedent has been made you just carry on doing what you enjoy most.

You are allowed to ask for help, you know. My late mum began to find it difficult to host us all every year, but couldn’t or wouldn’t accept help. Then one year she just said to me that maybe it was my turn to take things over, so I did. This year is different of course, but my three children all help with the cooking etc. They tend to look after the sides while I cope with the turkey and pudding. I am glad to say that for the moment my nearly 5-year old granddaughter behaves beautifully. Her father, who is an ex-Royal Marine, probably wouldn’t have it any other way. So the moral is, if your family don’t offer help, ask for it. It’s not rocket science.

Could you not use the very valid reason that it is too risky to have a get-together this year? You need to protect yourselves from the virus as much as possible and energetic little boys could be carriers.

Poor you. Sounds like you are very, very kind, and feels like others are not keeping you in mind, as you are with them. Can you ask for help from your daughter? The adults around you should be aware of your condition and how much it costs you physically to host. And regarding chastisement, children need and respond to boundaries, so giving them some rules to follow ('don't open cupboards without asking' etc) is great. It might feel difficult at first but if you don't tell them no-one will know you mind. It's lovely that they love to come to you. Ask them to help you once they are there. You are doing too much on your own and for little reward. I feel for you but a bit of communication is needed here, before it gets out of hand.

If you’re still reading you’re not alone. I’ve always hated hosting Christmas but as I won’t be doing it this year, I’ve realised that I don’t hate it as much as I thought! This may not be the case for you...it may be that you pull out all the stops and do it extremely well but suffer because of it. I think you’re very entitled to say you’re going to stop now. You’ve done it for so long and someone else in the family can take their turn. Leave it at that, this year, or next...and see what the response is. I hear your comments but actually I think a lot of them (that have been criticised on here) have come from someone who’s stressed and in pain. It’s understandable. Time to change.

There's so much pretending that goes on at Christmas. Everyone afraid to say what they feel. We all go through the motions.

Sending you lots of sympathy Grannyscrooge. I don't mind Christmas Day, but the run up to Christmas has always bothered me. I eventually realised it was because my parents always had a huge row just before Christmas and I was waiting every year for the same emotional upset. I think you need to start working on moving your commitments. Start on Christmas Day with a few hints about not being able to do this much longer (You can even add "what will you do when I've gone" if you really want to). Then at intervals through the year drop huge hints about it. You could base it on getting your DD to host or on passing on responsibility for everything and just using your house to host. I think if you can shift some of the responsibility you will enjoy Christmas more. Just think how nice it would be to turn up at your DDs have a lovely meal, give out the presents and leave!

I think this year has given a lot of us the chance to stop doing things we don’t want to do. I have hated Christmas since my mother died , at Christmas, 28 years ago. This year it will be a short visit , to drop of gifts to GC and then back home, feet up and eating in front of the tv. Maybe it will be different next year, I don’t know but the expected patterns have been broken . Sounds bad but at least this terrible pandemic has done one tiny useful thing in giving us all a good reason to stop doing stuff we don’t want to do just to appease others’ expectations. Good luck and “Bah ! Humbug !” Have the lovely day that YOU want.

I’m sorry you feel so low about it all, OP.
Can you not just tell them you’re terribly sorry, but your health and the pain you’re in, mean that you simply are not up to doing it all yet again this year? So they’ll have to make other arrangements?

It’s a bit late to say it, but not too late now, I would think. Plenty of time for them to organise Christmas at home, if they can’t go anywhere else.

Poor you it is so hard to break all the expectations, I have managed to do this now but it was hard. I just ended up saying look I am too old now for all the fuss so please just let me do what I want.
I put those brass type hook and eye locks on my bedroom etc to keep `the little darlings` out of there.

You’ve started opening up on here Grannyscrooge. I think this could be the beginning of improving your Christmas experience. It’s not too late to admit to your daughter that you’re struggling. Mums put so much pressure on themselves to make everything ‘perfect’ especially at Christmas. A few practical changes, like asking your daughter to bring some food, maybe a Christmas ‘picnic’ tea?
How do you think your daughter would feel if she knew the truth? Would she reject you, or still want to see you on your terms because you’re her Mum, who obviously loves her very much?
Time to ‘fess up I reckon. All best wishes to you and your family.

We have felt the same since parents died so we are just 3 now and we do what WE want! One year it was a picnic in the rain on Filey beach followed by a curry!
This year it is a cottage in Northumberland overlooking the sea and steak for dinner ! Partner!s kids never ask what we are doing so we please ourselves with my single daughter who always puts in the effort !
We give presents and cards but no more big Turkey dinners!! Such a relief and we are not selfish just done our share for over 30 years !!

You’ve got to escape by the sounds of things, book a holiday and disappear for Christmas/New Year.