Should I Say Something ?

In December, I'm about to give my whole family a bank transfer of money from one of my late husbands ISAs. I would like at least a text message to say thank you, but we will see.

I agree people have forgotten their basic manners.

A gift is given with no expectation of repayment in kind, Their finances may not permit the expenditure. It is however, reasonable to receive a thank you.

Sometimes we have to observe our thoughts and before saying yes say something like " I'll process that and get back to you " .
It gives you time to think, can I afford what they are asking and do I want to give it.
It's totally ok to say no sorry I can't, you do not have to justify why x

As they have thanked you via a text message, I don't think you can expect anything more.
You bought very thoughtful and generous gifts, though. You sound very kind.

NotAGran55

Say something about what ?

They thanked you for the gifts and text you a ‘ Merry Christmas’ .
Why would you want a piece of folded cardboard from them too ? Perhaps like a lot of people they no longer send cards ...

Ok well why then would they choose a really expensive vacuum then? Surely any old cheap one would suffice? Why bother doing anything nice, have any manners, why bother with anything? In fact why would any mum/dad etc "bother"to open there wallet at all to help youngsters? Surely they are adults Independent and earning etc big enough to gets new house , so why are they cadging stuff from his mum? My advice I future ? Say "nope buy your own"!

Strangely, I prefer texts. I’m always mindful of the extremely busy lives our children lead. And a phone call from Mum is the last thing they need. I’m fortunate that all my children live within a 10minute drive and I see them most weeks. Besides, by habit/nature, I prefer to sit down with friends/family and chat for an hour or two, over a nice cup of tea.
Beadyone, I’m sure they appreciate your generosity. Your son did say ‘thanks’. Don’t be too harsh on yourself. I’m sure they love and appreciate you. I’ve just realised this is an old post.

How does a OP that is 18 months old get revived dec 2020 then june 2021

Lizzy60
I doubt that the op will read your post. Have you seen the date she posted ?

I 've given up 'over - generous parenting' , let them save up for themselves while you get on with your life with your hard earned cash . That's my best advice !

If the pair of them have the brass neck to ask for a very expensive Christmas present then surely the believe in exchanging gifts, if they don't they shouldn't ask for any.

I agree Sparkling a little thought is important to the recipient. Younger people communicate differently text, Whatsapp etc but sometimes they should stop and think what is important to others. My children and grandchildren don't really send cards any more but always send one to me because they know I love to get them.

It would not have made a lot of difference, however hard up they are, to give a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates and ring you up and say thank you. I think that’s the right thing, These days you’re lucky to get a text. I wouldn’t say a word though. It makes you wonder if all contact would eventually cease apart from the odd text. Living on my own now, I can tell you a text doesn’t cut it. However I wouldn’t let tgem see it bothered me, but think on.

My children and DGC always say thank you for presents. Unfortunately the rest of my huge family don't bother. This year I have limited presents to just my DC and my DGC. Sister, Brothers have just got a card and nieces, nephews, great nieces, friends children etc not even that. I used to buy presents for all of them but have moved away from their area and can't be bothered with those that don't even text Happy Xmas, send a card, visit, invite us to visit (before covid) or bother with us at all.
There's no point wasting money on those who don't bother with you. Next Year OP give them a price limit as by not even ringing or sending a card they don't deserve expensive presents xxx

Don't say anything about not receiving a card or proper thank you as it may cause more trouble than it's worth, especially as you have received a texted thank you. What is said can't be unsaid. As I have got older, and like many others on GN, I found it is much better to focus on the pleasure of the giving rather than the receiving of presents and thank yous. From the original post, it would appear that the the recipients were truly grateful for the gifts but did not express it in the form expected.

I don't particularly enjoy the protocol /obligation/ embarrassment of present giving/receiving at Christmas and much prefer giving a gift when a return gift is not expected, especially if the gift I am giving is much more than the recipient could afford to give themselves.

If you feel resentful it will spoil the pleasure of the giving. However only give what you can afford, it is not necessary for anyone to purchasing generous expensive 'wish list' gifts if it causes the giver financial or emotional difficulties in gifting. Gifts should always be unconditional, I think.

PS lots of people I normally receive cards from did not send cards this year.

You are kind and thoughtful and I'm sorry you feel hurt. What have they usually done as regards acknowledging your gifts and giving you presents? Don't say anything.

Beadyone I haven’t read all the replies but I would have been very disappointed not to get a card and small gift. I think they have been very thoughtless. I can fully understand your upset. ?

As a child growing up I was told/taught to write "thankyiu" letters for birthday + xmas gifts/money I had received. Sadly the younger generation can take their parents generosity for granted. But with Covid a lot of people are not sending out Xmas cards. Maybe you should explain from now on in that no more expensive items will be coming their way, in a nice cinversation.

I am new to gransnet, so apologies if I am butting in.

Just wanted to say Beadyone, if you can, make it a policy to only give presents from your heart, don't expect anything back. Same if you give out or lend money, don't expect to receive anything back. This way you create less problems for yourself, particularly if there are grandchildren involved.

I love exploring new areas, so use my spare money to travel with like-minded people in groups, that way I am rarely around. So when relatives do see me finally, they are sincerely happy to see me and hear about my travels. They never expect any gifts because they do not know whether I am skint or not. Then I am off again.

I never send out cards (stopped some 30 years ago) only texts, with a picture of the place I am in and words like 'just thinking about you all, keep safe'.

Don't hold bad thoughts in your mind, as you are hurting yourself too.

Maybe you should try my way of enjoying your money on yourself.

GrannyAnnie2010

Doodledog, which would you prefer to receive from someone whom you've made an effort for - a supermarket bought cake or a home-baked cake? It's not about the medium of the message but more to do with the effort put in. More significantly, if the recipient would enjoy a card more than a text, why send a text? You wouldn't give a diabetic a box of chocolates, would you? But if you gave a diabetic a box of diabetic chocolates it would show that you put a bit of thought and effort in. Why is it too much to ask for someone who has received a significant gift to simply get a card, write in it, stick a stamp on and post it? Is it because it takes a bit of time and effort, whereas it's just seconds to send a text, clearly demonstrating that the texter has no time for the giver?

Thanks your replying.

I'm afraid I still don't really understand, though. I don't expect people to go to great lengths to thank me for things. If I have posted a present I like to know it has arrived, but I'm not looking to pressure anyone to give me something in return.

I usually get a text with a photo of my gift, or a picture of it on Facebook, from my lot, and I'm perfectly happy with that. I would be more inclined to phone a present giver, and say thank you, but if we have a regular call I would send a text when it arrived, and thank them when we next speak.

I think it is horses for courses, then. Some people are upset if recipients don't spend time and effort on a 'thank you' and others aren't. Mismatched expectations cause trouble in so many ways, and it is such a shame. The trouble comes when the recipient doesn't know the preference of the giver, and gets it wrong.

It is sad when the pleasure of giving a lovely gift is spoilt because of a misunderstanding like that, as it is probably entirely unintentional and no reflection at all on how much they liked the gift or feel about the giver.

Well said welbeck

songstress60

My niece never says thanks for anything you get her, and I am sick of people making excuses for the very entitled, ungrateful younger generation.

so why do you continue giving her things, if her lack of response upsets you so.
this seems to be a recurring theme. i can understand people feeling disappointed, disapproving even. but then why continue. it sounds like wanting to have something to complain about.
we all have to take responsibility for how we act, and not try to manipulate others into doing what we want by pressure of expectation. it won't work.
head. brick wall. stop. preserve head.

I honestly don't mind if the recipients of my gifts are delayed in saying thanks, or text/message/whatsap to say thanks. People of mt generation all say thanks by letter/text/emails/whatsap or even a phone call. The youth wing say thanks if they're in my presence when they open their gifts. There don't always say thank you within a week. I know the gift is appreciated because we love each other. That does it for me.

I wouldn’t be bothered about not receiving a card or gift, as it seems that money is tight for them right now, although you can buy some nice bunches of supermarket flowers for a few pounds.
I would have felt very sad, though, if they couldn’t spare a few minutes to phone, or visit, to express a proper ‘thank you’, instead of an impersonal text message. I don’t care if people say that times are changing etc etc. It is simple good manners to show proper appreciation for someone’s thoughtfulness, whatever form it takes. No excuses!

Doodledog, which would you prefer to receive from someone whom you've made an effort for - a supermarket bought cake or a home-baked cake? It's not about the medium of the message but more to do with the effort put in. More significantly, if the recipient would enjoy a card more than a text, why send a text? You wouldn't give a diabetic a box of chocolates, would you? But if you gave a diabetic a box of diabetic chocolates it would show that you put a bit of thought and effort in. Why is it too much to ask for someone who has received a significant gift to simply get a card, write in it, stick a stamp on and post it? Is it because it takes a bit of time and effort, whereas it's just seconds to send a text, clearly demonstrating that the texter has no time for the giver?

It’s just rudeness not to say thank you for gifts, no matter what the value, and a text is just not enough.