Christmas drama, mum being awkward

She’s now said she will just do whatever I tell her to do as she has no choice, not sure if that’s acceptance or not! I don’t want her to feel forced but she’s going to play the martyr either way. She also says she’s never liked my SMIL despite doing to their house before for Christmas and is going out for lunch the 3 of us last year and apparently I should have forethought not to invite them because of her feelings about them. She’s making out she will suffer their company at their house or mine, but I honestly feel like I have had enough of the drama.

Easier to say than do. Go and try to enjoy yourself, I've been there got the cap and the badge.
Sorry I can't say it will only get better she might see reason and decide to join you all which would be lovely or she might stay at home hoping you are worrying about her. The sooner you call her bluff the better for you and your family but I can assure you the more you do it the easier it gets.

Go and enjoy your Christmas at your in laws and then have a day either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with your mum.
For Christmas Day, make sure that she can easily prepare herself a meal or even look into having a meal delivered for her (some restaurants will do that) along with a basket of treats that she can help herself to.
Maybe see if one of the care agencies would pop in to see her.
Just don't let her hold you to ransom. You deserve a day away!

Mmm. Suppose if you tell your husbands mother you’re not coming, she starts to cry and says she’ll just spend it on her own instead.

Who will you give in to then?

Films??? That was meant to say fil's!

Calistemon

I don't think she's sulking or being a prima donna - she just doesn't want to spend Christmas Day at the house of someone she probably doesn't like very much.
Fair enough!

Nice post, Caleo.
MissAdventure I agree, we're not supposed to think for ourselves over a certain age.

But is she going to be any happier to spend the day at her daughter's in the company of that same woman who, in the OP's words "she has taking a dislike to" [...] " based on one random conversation in the street""?

Blah, is there a risk that even if you host the day in order not to upset your mother, that she will still sulk and perhaps even be rude to your films wife?

Hopefully not. You are in a difficult position already, and that would make it even more complicated.

Oh dear, it seems she is going to get what she really wants and that is all of you doing what she wants. As others have said she is capable of making her own decisions. She has been asked and has declined. Please don’t start begging her to change her mind. You are not responsible for how her life has turned out and you deserve ‘your’ time too.

And conflicting advice.
She isnt being awkward.
She's just being awkward..

X post, Blah+3

It's a horrible position to be put in, but you could phone her a few times during the day, and leave her some nice food.
She is just being awkward, I'm sure you know.
It makes my heart heavy to read, because I had similar with my dear old mum.

I don't think she's sulking or being a prima donna - she just doesn't want to spend Christmas Day at the house of someone she probably doesn't like very much.
Fair enough!

Nice post, Caleo.
MissAdventure I agree, we're not supposed to think for ourselves over a certain age.

Thank you all so much for your advice, I am so glad I posted here to get some opinions from Grandparents. I’ve just spoke. To her and she is adamant that she won’t go, she said she’d go to one of my husband brothers if they hosted (which is t even on the cards as they’re going Wales!). I said we could see her Boxing Day to which she started crying and said she was sick of the whole thing and that she would just spend it on her own. I think she must feel a bit powerless as she is reliant on me for the day. When I tried to discuss making a different plan instead she evaded it. My husband thinks we should host as it will ruin my day knowing she’s on her own. In all honesty we probably have let a bit of a codependent relationship develop with her, but it’s very hard not to as the only child in the country and them not having many others, I have always felt a bit guilty towards her as she never had another relationship after my parents divorced and has never seemed to be happy.

Oh and as you asked for a grandparents view….as a grandmother I would be ashamed of myself if I made any kind of song and dance about Christmas…..
This year I thought son and wife were going away… not sure they are now…and the bloke doesn’t want to go away so I’m off on a jaunt in my own to stay with long lost friends!

I agree with everyone else you must go and acknowledge that your mum has made a decision that’s comfortable for her
If it’s only one day can’t you have her for Boxing Day or even New Years Day
I know I d be mortified if one of my children asked me and I didn’t really fancy it so they cancelled for my sake totally mortified
You must abide by her wishes go and enjoy your day

I'm sure your mum would be offended if you suggested she no longer knew her own mind.
In light of that, the respectful thing to do is accept what she says, and go and have a carefree day without her.

lemongrove

I would accept the invitation and go to your MIL’s house as planned.
Your own Mother has been invited and chooses not to go.
It’s only for one year and you have always hosted it in other years.
80 isn’t ancient!? It’s lovely of you to think about her needs but unless she has health problems which mean she shouldn't be alone, then don’t feel guilty at all about accepting the invitation.

It has to happen occasionally….I totally agree with you Lemongrove?
Mother has a cheek in my opinion turning down a nice invitation which would also get you out of cooking. Don’t give in to this ?..it smacks of emotional blackmail!

BlhblahBlahBlah, I am even older than your mother and I think she is worrying about being out of her comfort zone. Naturally she can decide for herself what she does about Xmas.
I guess what she would really appreciate is for you to tell her how much she is wanted as at the and how much she would be missed if she could not go, She simply wants to be loved and appreciated . If after you have reassured her she remains obdurate or cantankerous at least she will know you wanted her, and I hope for her sake the others, the inlaws, will tell her how much she is wanted or how much they missed her whichever applies.

Your Mum has told you to go and have fun!

Unless she was sobbing when she said it, it sounds as though she really does want you to go.

Don’t be a martyr! Just go.

OP

The title and original post says more about your reaction to your mother's reply than her behaviour

Your willingness to change everybody's plans to accommodate her is the red flag here

What are you scared of?
Are you used to jumping through hoops to make her happy?
Do you think she is just saying that as a manipulation tactic or she does mean it and wont retaliate when you do not bend over backwards for her?

Peasblossom

Definitely go.

Six (?) people not having the Christmas they want so that one person can have things her own way?

Doesn’t add up does it?

Exactly.

And think about this -
"If you host Christmas again you will be doing it for the rest of your mum's life."

I think you need to go and she can change her mind or not.
Like paddyann and Ann our Christmases have been dictated by my mother.This year is actually going to be different as we have told her the plans and invited her.I don’t know who was more surprised at me and my daughters sticking up for ourselves.So far she says she isn’t coming but if she changes her mind even if it’s Christmas Day I will go and collect her.

Go and enjoy your day, your mother is an adult and is choosing not to go, you (& DH/DC) shouldn’t have to miss out just because of her.
I’ve hosted Xmas every year bar 1 since I got married, and although a wonderful day it’s hard work! I’d love to have a break!

Baggs

Yep. Call her bluff. Just go as invited and tell her she's welcome to come with you if she changes her mind.

This is what I was going to say. You have the responsibility for your mother all year round, you deserve a break this Christmas and your in-laws have been good enough to include your mother in their invitation, many wouldn’t. It is very unfair of your mother to try to call the tune to this extent. If she chooses to be on her own it’s her choice but I would guess that she will do a u-turn as the day approaches.

Certainly go but tell your Mother of your decision now and suggest to her to feel free to change her mind if she so desires. No big deal, just casual conversation in the passing, and give her time for it to sink in. Do be prepared that she might opt to join you at the very last minute!

I had a mil like this wouldn’t come to our wedding if it wasn’t in a Catholic Church. Every Christmas it had to be about her and I used to try and make her feel welcome. Wish I’d stood up to her years ago. You go to your mil and enjoy yourself.