Christmas drama, mum being awkward

How far do you live from her? Can you make a special day for her at home the Sunday before? Or on the 24th? Resentment does not help anyone. If she'd rather be on her own, why not- her choice.

As your mother has expressed a preference to spend Christmas alone I’d let her do that. Otherwise you’re making a rod for your own back. Go to your in laws, enjoy yourselves and arrange another day to see your mother.

I would accept the invitation and go to your MIL’s house as planned.
Your own Mother has been invited and chooses not to go.
It’s only for one year and you have always hosted it in other years.
80 isn’t ancient!? It’s lovely of you to think about her needs but unless she has health problems which mean she shouldn't be alone, then don’t feel guilty at all about accepting the invitation.

Yep. Call her bluff. Just go as invited and tell her she's welcome to come with you if she changes her mind.

Nothing to add to lemongrove's response. Go and have a great day.

Gosh it sounds like she is being a martyr. If you host Christmas again you will be doing it for the rest of your mum's life.
Call her bluff and do not feel guilty. My guess is she will end up coming with you. If not let her be. You go and enjoy Christmas.

I agree with the others. Go and enjoy yourself

Maybe your Mum is looking forward to not having to go

Yes, in this instance, I think you should go. You never know, once she’s mulled it over, she might decide to come, too, but otherwise arrange a separate get together with her either before or just after Christmas Day.

Go and spend Christmas with your in laws. Just do it. Your mothers decision not to join , she had the opportunity but decided against it, don’t be guilt tripped into saying no. Your in laws will be thrilled, you can have a break, if you were my daughter I would come with you, if I didn’t want the hassle send you off with good will. Enjoy.

I agree you are concerned about leaving your mum but you deserve a break. Your mum was invited but refuses to go that is her choice not yours. Go without feeling guilty and enjoy your special day don’t allow your mum to ruin it.

Your mother has been invited, she has chosen not to go. It's not like she didn't have the option. Go to your inlaws and enjoy yourself. Tell your mother to let you know if she changes her mind. You don't have to plan Christmas around her and it's unreasonable of her to expect you to.

Definitely go.

Six (?) people not having the Christmas they want so that one person can have things her own way?

Doesn’t add up does it?

If you do the hosting, the person she dislikes will presumably be at yours, so how will your mother feel about that? I agree with those who say call her bluff.
I have decided to have this Christmas alone as I enjoyed doing so last year. It is only one day!

Go to your in laws and enjoy the day.
Don't alter your plans to suit one elderly woman who doesn't want to go with you. That's her choice, she will be fine.
Invite her for Sunday lunch in the new year.

Go and enjoy it,dont be like me,I've had my inlaws every year since we married.This will be her 47th Christmas with us .I've posted about it elswhere .She likes things her way ,dont get me wrong I love the bones of her but I'm nearing 70 and lifting her out of bed and stressing about her hurting herself is worrying me sick.She's very much old school.her son,my husband isn't allowed in her bedroom so I have to lift her to help her sit up and get out of bed.The two mornings last year she decided to go ahead without me she fell and cracked her head open.DONT LET THIS BE YOU .I wish I had been more assertive back in 1975 !!Have the Christmas you and your children want

dragonfly46

Gosh it sounds like she is being a martyr. If you host Christmas again you will be doing it for the rest of your mum's life.
Call her bluff and do not feel guilty. My guess is she will end up coming with you. If not let her be. You go and enjoy Christmas.

You've said exactly what I thought: that if the OP hosts Christmas this year, she will end up having to do it for the rest of her mother's life.

Don't let your mother play you, OP - she has been invited, so the two choices available to her should be to gracefully accept, or to do her own thing, whether it's to spend the day alone or arrange something else for herself.

You are considering putting your mother's rather selfish wishes above those of your husband & children. You deserve to have a year off from hosting. The situation will not change as your mil and your mother will still be together. If it were me I would kindly tell my mother that you intend to accept your in-laws invitation and that she is very welcome to join you. I am sure that as Christmas gets closer and the reality of the situation sinks in your mother will change her mind. Please put your family first.

I also regret the years I allowed my mother to dictate to me and always obliged because I felt I would regret it.
On our 40th wedding anniversary we arranged a family meal at a local restaurant as my D and DiL were both pregnant, one very heavily.
My mother was staying as usual and at the last minute decided she didn’t want to go so we went and left her alone.
We all enjoyed it better without her.
She did it once more when we had a farewell lunch for my D and her husband who were moving abroad for 3 years, I made her a plate of sandwiches and we all went off.
Please let her do her own thing, she will be fine and if she isn’t it is her own fault.

I left my widowed mother alone for a few Christmases and now it happens to me. I always regretted it
And now it happens to me. Karma

I would go to your in-laws. Your Mum has been invited so if she has decided against going, that's up to her. I would gently ask her just once more if she would like to go and explain the reasons you are going to your in-laws. If she still won't go you will have to let her get on with it.

Another one here for having the Christmas you want for you and your family. Be kind but firm with your mother, tell her how you want it, how it´s going to be, end of story. I have had so many Christmasses ruined and other family occasions too, by my mother´s sense of entitlement. Don´t do it and take heed and don´t do it to your children in the future.

You do what you want, and leave your mum to it. We had friends who used to have both their mums for Christmas Day every year. They hated each other, and spent the day in separate rooms!

They’re both dead now...and finally, they can enjoy Christmas again.

Is there any chance you could have your mum and the in laws round for a meal ie Sunday lunch fairly soonish and see how they get along beforehand ? She could change her mind about your FIL's wife in a more relaxed social setting in your home perhaps?

If not then go and have fun, but make another special day with her over the holidays as well.

paddyann54 - they should make you a saint ?