Christmas drama, mum being awkward

I'd take her at her word, and go. Your mother is an adult, and perfectly capable of making her own decisions, as well as handling the consequences of them.

It would be completely unreasonable and unfair of you to ask everyone to change plans to accommodate your mother, imo. She has decided she dislikes your SMIL so much she won't attend Christmas there, what makes it any better for you to host everyone?

Yes, go and enjoy yourselves; your Mum has chosen how she wants to spend her day and probably really means it when she wants you to go and have fun.
If she doesn't like your step-MIL and they don't get on then she won't enjoy the day anyway, nor will the rest of you.

Invite her to you on another day, perhaps New Year's Day?

Your mother's choice Blah why should everyone else change their plans for this non reason. Have a separate day with your mother and enjoy your own day with your in laws and family. Above all don't feel guilty.

It seems that your mother lives fairly near to your in laws if she is able to meet them casually in the street. In which case, could you spend either the morning with your mum before going to your in laws for lunch? Or the other way round, enjoy the day with the in laws then spend the evening with your mum.

Ah Xmas, so much for the happiest time of the year!

Your mother has a choice and she has taken it

"She has said she will spend it alone and off we go and have fun."

Six against one, no contest. Your in laws are as entitled to spend Christmas Day with their grand children as your Mother is. Ask her again, then just arrange to have her over for a special Sunday lunch the week before. Your DH is also entitled to spend Xmas day with his family for a change.

Explain to her firmly that as you have hosted for so long you deserve a break, that she has been invited but if she decides not to go then that is her choice. She may spend this Christmas day alone, but if you give in you will be giving into her moral blackmail

Maybe different circumstances, normally my parents went to someone in the family for Christmas, then when my dad passed away (which was so close to Xmas), my mum was adamant she wanted to be ‘alone’, I guess she didn’t want to join in any fun or family festivities. I found this hard but accepted her wishes, but my children (her grandchildren) were shocked to say the least saying that granny shouldn’t be alone.
Anyhow, I agreed that come Xmas day I would dish up a roast for her and later the same day take it down to her, only about 5 miles from home, and the grandchildren called by throughout the day (grandchildren were young adult age). I guess different arrangements can be arranged unless some families are so far apart in distance

I apologise first if I sound cold and unfeeling, but as I have experience of this my first thought is do as she says and leave her home.
My mother takes this tactic to another level and after insisting she doesnt want to go somewhere (usually its family get togethers) she 9 times out of 10 cries on someone's shoulder about how terrible she has been left out (I usually get the blame) and someone takes pity on her and gives her a (wont pay for a taxi) lift at the last minute.
To be greeted with enthusiastic welcomes from those who dont understand the back story.

Narcissistic Maralyn Monroe complex.

Please dont play this silly game by changing your plans.
As others have suggested perhaps you can do something on another day for/with her?
Although if it were me I wouldn't. I'd carry on as normal.

You should go. If your mother doesn’t like the in law it will me more relaxed without her. Some people enjoyed last Christmas being on their own !!

We usually go to my DD, however one year they were going away, so we asked my stepdaughter and family. She normally does Christmas with her mother and brother as well. I offered to have both of them as well, but her mother declined and her brother made other arrangements. Some after Christmas my stepdaughter told me that her mother had been very difficult about it, but she had decided not to give in to her! As everyone else has said she has been asked, declined and wants you to di what she wants! Go and have a good day.

My grandmother used to do exactly the same; she led my poor mum a right dance every Christmas. Mum and Dad had a lovely circle of friends and Dad had siblings which increased his family - Mum was an only child.
These friends and Dads family would regularly include Grandmother in their invitations. But she refused to go and guilt tripped Mum in to turning them down until the year Mum called her bluff. Grandmother spent the day alone........she never turned down an invitation after that.
Sometimes, all it takes is a bit of tough love.

paddyann54 - they should make you a saint ?

Is there any chance you could have your mum and the in laws round for a meal ie Sunday lunch fairly soonish and see how they get along beforehand ? She could change her mind about your FIL's wife in a more relaxed social setting in your home perhaps?

If not then go and have fun, but make another special day with her over the holidays as well.

You do what you want, and leave your mum to it. We had friends who used to have both their mums for Christmas Day every year. They hated each other, and spent the day in separate rooms!

They’re both dead now...and finally, they can enjoy Christmas again.

Another one here for having the Christmas you want for you and your family. Be kind but firm with your mother, tell her how you want it, how it´s going to be, end of story. I have had so many Christmasses ruined and other family occasions too, by my mother´s sense of entitlement. Don´t do it and take heed and don´t do it to your children in the future.

I would go to your in-laws. Your Mum has been invited so if she has decided against going, that's up to her. I would gently ask her just once more if she would like to go and explain the reasons you are going to your in-laws. If she still won't go you will have to let her get on with it.

I left my widowed mother alone for a few Christmases and now it happens to me. I always regretted it
And now it happens to me. Karma

I also regret the years I allowed my mother to dictate to me and always obliged because I felt I would regret it.
On our 40th wedding anniversary we arranged a family meal at a local restaurant as my D and DiL were both pregnant, one very heavily.
My mother was staying as usual and at the last minute decided she didn’t want to go so we went and left her alone.
We all enjoyed it better without her.
She did it once more when we had a farewell lunch for my D and her husband who were moving abroad for 3 years, I made her a plate of sandwiches and we all went off.
Please let her do her own thing, she will be fine and if she isn’t it is her own fault.

You are considering putting your mother's rather selfish wishes above those of your husband & children. You deserve to have a year off from hosting. The situation will not change as your mil and your mother will still be together. If it were me I would kindly tell my mother that you intend to accept your in-laws invitation and that she is very welcome to join you. I am sure that as Christmas gets closer and the reality of the situation sinks in your mother will change her mind. Please put your family first.

dragonfly46

Gosh it sounds like she is being a martyr. If you host Christmas again you will be doing it for the rest of your mum's life.
Call her bluff and do not feel guilty. My guess is she will end up coming with you. If not let her be. You go and enjoy Christmas.

You've said exactly what I thought: that if the OP hosts Christmas this year, she will end up having to do it for the rest of her mother's life.

Don't let your mother play you, OP - she has been invited, so the two choices available to her should be to gracefully accept, or to do her own thing, whether it's to spend the day alone or arrange something else for herself.

Go and enjoy it,dont be like me,I've had my inlaws every year since we married.This will be her 47th Christmas with us .I've posted about it elswhere .She likes things her way ,dont get me wrong I love the bones of her but I'm nearing 70 and lifting her out of bed and stressing about her hurting herself is worrying me sick.She's very much old school.her son,my husband isn't allowed in her bedroom so I have to lift her to help her sit up and get out of bed.The two mornings last year she decided to go ahead without me she fell and cracked her head open.DONT LET THIS BE YOU .I wish I had been more assertive back in 1975 !!Have the Christmas you and your children want

Go to your in laws and enjoy the day.
Don't alter your plans to suit one elderly woman who doesn't want to go with you. That's her choice, she will be fine.
Invite her for Sunday lunch in the new year.

If you do the hosting, the person she dislikes will presumably be at yours, so how will your mother feel about that? I agree with those who say call her bluff.
I have decided to have this Christmas alone as I enjoyed doing so last year. It is only one day!

Definitely go.

Six (?) people not having the Christmas they want so that one person can have things her own way?

Doesn’t add up does it?