Christmas drama, mum being awkward

Even if she is really saying "You go and have fun (while I'm all on my own) " in pathetic, self-pitying tones, just go ahead with your visit.
She'll survive.

I think you should stick to your original plans - not change them because of your mum's decision. Arrange to see her on another day. She might just change her mind, though, when she realises that you won't!

Please go to your mother in law’s and have a lovely Christmas with your in-laws. Leave your mum to do as she likes. It’s her choice, she was invited, she declined. Enjoy your day.

OP when you say she is refusing to go does that mean you haven't just given her the invite and accepted when she declined? That's how it sounds to me. She's told you to go so why not leave her alone, accept her decision and go and spend Christmas where you like, you can see her on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Nonogran

My mum is 96. Fit, well & ambulant. She likes, prefers even to spend Christmas Day alone. We let her get on with it. Myself, partner and offspring(s) do our own thing without her. Her life, her choice.
I don’t know why so many families get so hung up about one day of the year.

Exactly right. Let her have the Christmas she wants.

Your mother declined a kind invitation.
Her decision.
Her choice.
Go and have a lovely day with your family.
Do NOT cater especially for her on another day 'to make up'... Christmas Day is 25th December!!!

No, don’t play her game - don’t tell her what to do, tell her what you are doing (going to your in-laws, I hope) and leave it at that, don’t even say “you can come too” - leave it up to her, as she already knows that she can come too. She seems to be trying to manipulate you with an almost passive aggression. Don’t let her.

So you've to make the decision for her? 'Tell her what to do'. How about telling her NOW that, unless she tells you to the contrary, you will assume she is not coming. That could stand right up until your actual departure. Again, I would build in time for a last minute dramatic change of mind. It does seem to be all about her. Sad.......

It sounds like your mother is very used to making a fuss and having people change everything to suit her, no matter how many other people lose out or feel bad. I hope she won't make things less pleasant for your ILs on Christmas.

Blahblahblahblah

She’s now said she will just do whatever I tell her to do as she has no choice, not sure if that’s acceptance or not! I don’t want her to feel forced but she’s going to play the martyr either way. She also says she’s never liked my SMIL despite doing to their house before for Christmas and is going out for lunch the 3 of us last year and apparently I should have forethought not to invite them because of her feelings about them. She’s making out she will suffer their company at their house or mine, but I honestly feel like I have had enough of the drama.

So your mother is attempting to dictate to you who should and shouldn't be welcome in your home?

If it was up to her, your SMIL would never get a holiday with your family?

How is that remotely reasonable or acceptable?

My mum is 96. Fit, well & ambulant. She likes, prefers even to spend Christmas Day alone. We let her get on with it. Myself, partner and offspring(s) do our own thing without her. Her life, her choice.
I don’t know why so many families get so hung up about one day of the year.

She’s making out she will suffer their company at their house or mine

I do hope she doesn't make that too obvious... ?

Exactly, and that is not being 'ackward' either.

I'd be happy by myself Lucca, it just so happens DH lives here as well. This year I will be back to a houseful of visitors, I have 4 kids, their 4 partners and 6 GC. I end up with people on sofas, people at local B&B but here all day. I spend my time cooking, washing up and the noise. Last year it was quiet, relaxed, I watched films on netflix and relaxed. I had to do a full turkey dinner or DH would have been traumatised. If I was alone I wouldn't bother so it would be even more relaxing. Not to mention I am his carer so a day on my own would be very relaxing.

I am happy with my own company.

theworriedwell

Calistemon

I don't think she's sulking or being a prima donna - she just doesn't want to spend Christmas Day at the house of someone she probably doesn't like very much.
Fair enough!

Nice post, Caleo.
MissAdventure I agree, we're not supposed to think for ourselves over a certain age.

Perfectly possible. My gran always spent Christmas Day by herself once her kids left home. She was the most fun person I've ever known but she had a baby die at Christmas and her choice was to be by herself on that day and think of the little boy who never had a chance to grow up. Boxing Day she was back to normal and just got on with it.

Don't tell my kids but I loved last Christmas, just a relaxed day for my and DH, no fuss, no chaos. It was great.

Yes but you were not alone were you ?

Blahblahblahblah

She’s now said she will just do whatever I tell her to do as she has no choice, not sure if that’s acceptance or not! I don’t want her to feel forced but she’s going to play the martyr either way. She also says she’s never liked my SMIL despite doing to their house before for Christmas and is going out for lunch the 3 of us last year and apparently I should have forethought not to invite them because of her feelings about them. She’s making out she will suffer their company at their house or mine, but I honestly feel like I have had enough of the drama.

Right so you go to in laws. Tell mother that’s what is happening and then ignore any further complaints!

Calistemon

I don't think she's sulking or being a prima donna - she just doesn't want to spend Christmas Day at the house of someone she probably doesn't like very much.
Fair enough!

Nice post, Caleo.
MissAdventure I agree, we're not supposed to think for ourselves over a certain age.

Perfectly possible. My gran always spent Christmas Day by herself once her kids left home. She was the most fun person I've ever known but she had a baby die at Christmas and her choice was to be by herself on that day and think of the little boy who never had a chance to grow up. Boxing Day she was back to normal and just got on with it.

Don't tell my kids but I loved last Christmas, just a relaxed day for my and DH, no fuss, no chaos. It was great.

Thank you all so much for your advice, it has been so helpful and really kind of you to take the time to reply.

"Mother, you are an adult behaving like a little trantruming child

Decide what you want to do for xmas
I will not be part of this unnecessary drama anymore"

Don’t allow the drama to continue. Tell her you are going to your in-laws and it is her choice to come or not . A simple yes or no answer is required. End of conversation.

She spoil - not shepherds ?

If she decides to go with you, will shepherds spoil the atmosphere for the rest of you.
Go and enjoy yourselves. She’ll get over it.
My mum was similar. Always pulling the ‘poor old lady’ card.
I always gave in to her. Don’t you !

This is emotional blackmail and I have the feeling that whatever you do your mother will spoil the day.
If you host at home she will sulk because you have invited someone she has taken an inexplicable dislike to; if you leave her she will sulk because she hasn't got her own way and she is on her own.
Your in- laws have invited you and I think they are entitled to have Christmas with their son's family in their home for once; you need to consider their feelings and harden your heart. Your mother won't stop; this is sadly a battle of wills and she won't compromise, so put the feelings of the rest of your family first and make the best of Christmas Day with them.

So it seems that she's trying to transfer all blame to you by making you tell her what to do.

Try not to let her do that - give her the options, but make her make the final decision for herself, if you possibly can.

I think you could take that as acceptance

It sounds as if she doesn't want to lose face, but realises she may end up staying home unless she does "give in".