Entertaining the family at Christmas

Christmas for us is a family event and without ever planning it, it has evolved so that everyone contributes something.

DD makes the mince pies, brings me arms full of berried holly, all the nibbles and this year a box of 6 bottles of ready-mulled wine. DS brings the cheese and, last year, DGD took over making the Cristmas biscuits(for those who do not like mince pies). DD also bought tickets for us all to visit Blenheim Palace, house and gardens, to see the decorations and lights. DS has done any top-up shopping; milk and bottles of pop, And they all brought flowers.

I would never go anywhere empty-handed, i would always take flowers, or a bottle or something small I know will be appreciated. It is what I was brought up to do.

You perhaps? You do not know my full circumstances. I think you should try to be kind. If you read each entry you will see that ultimately and after listening to posters, I agreed that it was just lovely to see the family. This is my first time posting. I didn’t expect judgement.

Having a fit, let me rephrased

Who is not displaying good manners here?

Who is having a fit here?

The kids who brought something but not up to OP's standards
or
the OP for evaluating what kind of a gift she should have received based on the successful career of the AC?

Not so sure the AC are at fault here

I think you are absolutely right.

It seems to happen quite often that well-mannered adults revert to thoughtless teens when it comes to visiting parents.

I doubt they go to friends' or colleagues' houses without taking anything nor give last-minute gifts.

Hopefully, it is because they feel they do not have to impress you and that they are just coming home.

I'm just glad to have family staying, really enjoy it and never expect them to bring anything. Still, they do ask if there's anything I want or need.

They tend to bring a food or drink item, something extra, just in case. They are all very good with cooking, making tea and cleaning up, too.

I'd take something, like home made biscuits, and help out if I was visiting, so maybe they just follow my example?

We are Wishywashy, I am glad my son made the effort to drive over and see me.

He said he'd come and I said rather than coming into the house (his g/f works in a care home) we should meet at the beach, and I'd make a picnic. Half way through shopping for it I thought it would be nice if he had offered to bring a picnic with him - but as I've always made the picnics in his life, perhaps he thinks I like doing it? As it turned out we didn't have it anyway as he had to come Christmas Eve instead. I'm still eating the mince pies!

Thank you for your thoughts. On reflection and considering everyone’s responses, I’ve decided that life is too short to worry about the small stuff. We are lucky we have family. X

Everybody is different, at least they brought gifts. You all seemed to have a nice time. I think in families we all have little niggles or things that annoy, but we try and put all that aside for the day. The main thing is- they come and seem very happy to do so.

That’s nice Cabbie21.

Thank you for your response, Wishywashy. It is always nice when OPs respond appreciatively.
We were once invited to stay ( plus three children) with a couple of my husband’s friends who also had three children. I had not met them previously. Quite a number to feed. Neither we nor they had much money at that time. DH isn't the sort to think of taking anything, so on the second day I got him to give our hosts some money. The wife was delighted and bought fish and chips for the ten of us that evening. I was a bit surprised, but I guess she weighed up the effort of getting a meal ready against having one ready to eat.

I would be grateful to spend that time with my family

Material things should not make any difference how this visit goes

Thank you all for your thoughts. I do tend to overthink things and I am just going to focus on the positives you have all outlined. Planning ahead ….. next year I will ask what people would like to bring to help out. Problem solved. Happy and healthy new year everyone. X

I always take something with me to contribute to the meal,this year I was in charge of starters which gave DD the chance to concentrate on the main meal it saved her having to fiddle about with salmon & creamed cheese & pate which I happily made 3 days before and took a pan of potato & leek soup,it gave her time to change & shower before we all sat down to eat.

What a lot of “thinking” I’ve put in that post. Should have read it through first,?

My daughter always brings something. My sons wouldn’t think about it.

Except they used to bring their washing??

Probably they were up to their eyes in it with full time jobs and two young children and were relieved not to have to even think about food.

A bit thoughtless but not worth spoiling your lovely visit but overthinking it?

I always take a gift when I stay with someone, possibly a plant and something to drink or a home made cake. I also take my host out for a meal one evening at least.

My sister has been staying with me and left this morning for her flight back to the US. She gave me a bottle of gin as she arrived and topped up the wine throughout her visit. I paid for most of the food as I wanted to have it beforehand to free myself up to spend time with my sister rather than go shopping. She did take me out for lunch and also paid for a takeaway last night.

I’ve just been in the kitchen and found a thank you card from her with £80 in towards her share of the food - totally unexpected and not wanted but it will help with the extra heating bills - my sister felt cold when the thermostat was set at 20 degrees so I had to increase it to 22 degrees and melt!

That should say thoughtless not faultless

When my children were all young, if I visited friends I would ask if I could bring anything and even if I the answer was no, probably would. I have a lot of children so that's a burden on someone's weekly shop lol

Family, its more "just bring yourself" but again, visiting family often brings sweets for children and even my now adult children.

My children I would not expect to bring anything and I don't think they would think too, not because they are selfish or faultless but because this will always be a home to them. No matter how far away they are just coming home.

The ones earning their own money do now get me a little thoughtful gift though.

Sorry that's not much help just the way things are for us as an example

I suppose you could say they feel so at home at yours that they treat it like home and come empty handed. A sort of compliment!?
Those corporate bottles are a pain. My husband used to receive quite a few really expensive rare boxed bottles at Christmas. I trained him to ask the kind people for tickets to West End shows instead!

One of my sons confessed he had bought our presents from M and S ( edible ones) because work had given him a M and S voucher for Christmas. I didnt mind at all - seems sensible. They still gave you some wine even if it was previously given to them. Dont let it bother you. Our children often take parents for granted a bit. You are lucky they wanted to come and stay.

Every family does things differently, so I'm not sure whether you should be hurt or grateful. Grateful that you had their company at Christmas of course, but maybe a tad mean not to contribute. We take it for granted in our family that we all contribute to big meals, take something to cook, or drink, whatever. This Christmas I provided all the vegetables and my d.i.l. provided the vegetarian roast complete with stuffing.
I did the Christmas pudding, they brought cream etc.
Three days is a long time for you to have to cater for them isn't it. So I do feel that they could have contributed.

One way to think of is the happy times, they did come and see you and saved you the travel of going to theirs. You don't say how old they are but I think mum and dad doing the entertaining can be taken for granted like when they were teenagers they forget we are running out of steam.
It happened to us few years ago 10 descended on us the day before Christmas Eve. We were completely shattered and it felt as if we were running an hotel.In fact we nearly got a set of inlaws as well until I said no.
We were glad of the family who stayed behind after boxing day to help tidy up. The others swanned off for a stay at a very luxurious hotel before returning home.
After weeks of mulling it over, we decided on the old hymn"You in your small corner and I in mine".
Unfortunately, Covid has made us practise it.
It can be lonely just the two of you, but we plan and compensate for that and say would we want to travel miles in bad weather on very busy roads to stay at an inadequate setup house for so many? Queues for bathrooms etc, the food you in inevitably get cajoled into helping with but you are doing it all in someone else's house. Maybe they are all excuses for not being reciprocated.
Only you and your DH will know how you really feel get it out in the open between the two of you and decide how you will act in future.
Though a bottle of Corporate wine is no substitute for the hours of planning shopping and cooking that goes into catering at any time of year for a large number you are not used to. At least we always got contributions of good wine and cheese etc. brought.
Though no thank you letter or flowers.

Thank you Wishywashy. I have put on many family get togethers in the past, never expected anything but always appreciated offers. Happy New Year.