Alone at Christmas - am I expecting too much?

Can I gently point out that the Christmas period s only two days old and that she has been hosting all the demands of family in that time.

Given your expectations of her in the last 48 hrs and the fact that you’ve said there’s been a change in the friendship in the last year, is it possible that you are putting too much pressure on the friendship in order to fill the gap in your life.

I know from my own experience of widowhood that this can happen and it does change friendships when we one of you wants more than the other can give.

I don’t want to upset you more than you are feeling already but actually I don’t think it’s unreasonable for family and guests to come first for the last couple of days.

It doesn’t take many minutes in a busy day to think of others, especially a good friend so I am with Roobi as I have been there.
I have evaluated a very long standing friendship over the last three years after my H died and keep it very cool now and strictly when it suits me.
I will never let myself be as hurt again as I was.

Thank you, Silverlining, a happy new year to you too!

Sorry ex-wife, but I disagree. I don’t think it’s ever pointless to ask how someone is. And perhaps you’ve never been alone at Christmas, but after days of not speaking to anyone to hear from a friend is always welcome. I don’t like to make the first move at Christmas unless I know the other person is also alone, as I don’t want to disturb them when they may be busy with family.

Thank you, Lathyrus, and your points are very valid, but my friend isn’t hosting anyone and I don’t think a text sometime over the last week or so would’ve hurt; it would have only taken seconds. She wished me a happy new year the last time we were in touch before she left for Christmas, which suggests she wasn’t planning on contact during the festivities.

AnnSixty, so sorry to hear this. It’s a shame when we have to consciously withdraw, but sometimes I think we have to, at least to some extent, to protect ourselves.

Roobi

Thank you, Lathyrus, and your points are very valid, but my friend isn’t hosting anyone and I don’t think a text sometime over the last week or so would’ve hurt; it would have only taken seconds. She wished me a happy new year the last time we were in touch before she left for Christmas, which suggests she wasn’t planning on contact during the festivities.

Yes, if she wished you Happy New Year, she wasn’t intending to get in touch🙁

Ah well, as I found out, some people do pull back when faced with bereavement. Like they think it’s catching ☹️

I’m sorry you’re having such a miserable time. I’ll never be a fan of Christmas. Too many empty chairs. Talk to us instead💐

Roobi, I well know how trusted friends can disappoint, and how it can make us feel very sad and sometimes angry too.

You have been genuinely let down, you are not mistaken about that. You know your friend, so maybe you already know she is not good at expressing her feelings, like Theexwife explains. That would account for her not phoning. "Merry Christmas have a lovely day!" would have made me feel terrible.

I don’t think I’m uncaring, but I admit, that if I had a friend on their own, over the last few days with a dozen people here, I doubt I would have made any attempt to phone. Possibly a quick text.
I would have settled down for a long phone call today, when everyone had gone .

Roobi

Dibbydod

I know exactly how you feel as when I’d lost my partner just before Christmas three years ago , my best friend of over 40 years phoned me up to tell me that there is no room for me at her Christmas dinner table as she has all her family over ( six of them ) . That hurt me an awful lot because I know that if it had been the other way around then I’d have invited her over for Christmas dinner even if I had house full of people around , because she is my friend and that would be important to me to include her . Since then it’s put a strain on our friendship even thought we’ve never talked about it .
Personally, I think that a quick text to ask if your ok ect ect would have been a nice thought . When people are happy in their own little bubble they don’t think of others who are on their own .

Dibbydod, I’m so sorry to hear this and hope you’ve managed to have happier Christmases since. My reaction would have been the same as yours - isn’t welcoming people what Christmas is meant to be about, and even more so if they’re your close friends? I suppose friendships shift over time even if they’re long ones, and it’s probably no bad thing now and again to reassess them if the circumstances change?

I’m so sorry that you are so ill over this Christmas, if you were my friend I’d certainly have made time to have given you a ring if only for 5 minutes to see how you are ? For people to say that they are too busy , what’s 5 minutes in the thick of things , how would your friend felt if the boot were on the other foot ? As you say , Christmas is about welcoming people , not to ignore a good friend that is ill also . As said , I’d felt so very hurt by my best friend ……what difference would it have made just one more ……reminds me of Mary & Joseph ,….no room at the Inn ….she is also rather religious so that make it worse ….
I’d already made arrangements to go over my Ds for Xmas dinner , but, she didn’t give me the chance to say that as she just blurted out what she wanted to say .
We are still friends , but I do look at her differently since then , I’m not the good friend to her as I’d always been , I am so much wiser now .
Hope you get better soon , I’d had covid couple months ago and it’s not a nice experience . Shame on your friend I say . 💐

Saral, I can understand you being busy but my friend wasn’t hosting anyone. We’re all different, but personally if I knew a very close friend was ill over Christmas without a soul to speak to I would certainly have phoned them. A few minutes is nothing and we can all make that time if we want to, can’t we?

Of course we can roobi unfortunately some people will always put themselves first and not want to bother.
Suit yourself in future not her plans.

Get well soon.xx

Roobi, sorry, I misunderstood, I thought she was hosting Christmas.
Maybe if you knew she was alone as well, you could have rung her.

roobi ^ we can all make time if we want to ^ is a very true saying . When my partner were very ill in hospital his Ds hardly made time to visit him because ‘ he was always too busy ‘ , but at the same time he made time to go out running & cycling with his mates .

Hi Saral, no, she hasn’t been alone, she’s been visiting relatives with her husband.

That's a lovely, "Be who you are" post, larraine.

Yes it is, Larraine, thank you. x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thank you for the sensible advice, VioletSky. We’ve been friends for over 40 years so I wouldn’t want to lose her, but perhaps think about how much I put into the friendship as it seems out of balance at the moment. My friend has had a change of circumstance this year which is brilliant for her and has given her more freedom, but at the same time she appears to be pulling away. I’m not sure whether talking will help or make things worse, but it’s certainly something we should be able to do.

Thank you, AussieGran.

I also spent Christmas alone - my neighbours (who I have only known for just over a year) telephoned yesterday - to apologise for not calling in to see me but they had family visiting both Christmas and Boxing day. I had to reassure them that they had nothing to apologise for - Christmas is a time for families to get together. I suppose it is different if you are unwell but unless, as you say, there are other reasons to evaluate your friendship then I wouldn't be concerned because she didn't ring over the Christmas period.

Thanks, OldWoman. I do think neighbours who hardly know you are rather different from a friend of nearly 50 years who is aware that you’re ill with COVID and won’t be seeing or speaking to anyone else over the Christmas period, and who also knows they’re the closest thing to family you have. I’m not concerned, I’m hurt - mainly because getting in touch need only have taken a few minutes, and because I know if the situation had been reversed, I would have been there.

Sometimes things like this, especially if there have been other issues, can be a good time to re consider or re evaluate an old friendship, even if it’s just to downgrade it a little, if you feel things are too one sided.
Wishing you a happy and healthy new year.

Thank you very much, SilverLining, and the same to you too. x