No help, no gift so we are skiing

well done, good on you, have a great holiday!!

You have my sympathy, it’s very easy from the outside to look in and say, “… well, you should do this…” It’s not quite so obvious when you’re in the midst of it and emotions are involved.

My youngest stepson lived with us off and on throughout teenage years and well into his twenties.

He is now helpful and not only will do whatever I ask, but will also offer to help without prompting. However, it took time for him to get to that point. In his younger days I would periodically go on strike and would say, “tidy your room up.” (If he wanted to live in a bell hole it was up to him, to a point, but when it started to smell bad I would tell him and let him know I expected it to be cleaned). I would give him a time frame. If he didn’t complete the task, I just stopped cooking for him. Usually after a day or two of him having to feed himself the point would be made. Now he is perfectly helpful. Good luck with your two.

SecondhandRose

Oh yes and by skiing I mean spending the kid’s inheritance. I hate the cold!

😂😂😂

Yes, I got it, SecondRose, as did some others.

No more secondhand - only the very best for you in future 😀

I think it is really sad Second Hand Rose that although your children are adults and not even young adults they are acting like unreasonable, selfish children. This must have been allowed for years and years with no expectation on either yours or your husbands part to bring up your children to have respect and learn how to live around other people and be cooperative. That the only option for you is to get them to leave home seems awful, that the four of you cannot live in harmony until they are financially secure to leave tells me that as parents you have not raised well rounded adults. That you cannot share your home, pull together and enjoy being together seems really sad for you all.

Good for you booking a holiday I would have do the same.

They are taking you both for granted.

To be honest they are getting free board everything done for them, entitled Adult children!

Well, I feel for you SecondHandRose. Other people assume that just because they have children who help or children with ADHD or ASD who help, you haven't tried. Yours may well well have a PDA profile and that is hard enough for experts to help with.
I have a very difficult Adult daughter who I struggled to get to help every day of the year. Even getting her to do things which would benefit her was a mission. The thought of yet another fight on Christmas Day which would ruin it for everybody was just more than I could bear. My boys who were great all the year round had a day off too because it didn't seem fair to have them running around when she wouldn't. She did however, always buy me a present even though often they would be things she loved rather than me!
My suggestion would be to keep your gifts at a lower rate of generosity and if questioned, explain why. If they aren't even missing your generosity it was probably gratuitous anyway.

I think £100 is a hugely generous gift, and I don't think that you need to explain spending your own money on yourselves.

Also, you are not spending your children's inheritance, you're spending the money you have earned on yourselves, as your children are apparently doing as they have jobs and pay nothing towards their own upkeep. No one has a right to expect that their parents will leave them anything, especially after a lifetime of supporting them.

I think it's very rude and selfish of your children not to get presents for their parents, and lazy and ignorant of them to make no effort to assist in the household tasks. I don't think it's up to you to instruct adults on their behaviour, but equally I don't think you have an obligation to provide free room, board and services for wage earning adults. Frankly, if they want to live in hotel where they are waited on they should go and live in one and pay for the privilege, and you can rent their rooms at a commercial rate to people who will appreciate their good luck.

If your son has ADHD and possibly ASD, to expect him to move out when he completes his course is unrealistic. From what you have said he has had no training in independence skills, you have not trained him to live independently, he doesn't pay rent, doesn't help around the house, has meltdowns, and needs medication.

My son had a similar diagnosis and even WITH training at home and his special boarding school 15 years later he still struggles. ASD doesn't suddenly disappear any more than ADHD does.

To manage alone you should be helping him to budget. To share bills, rent, and food costs. You need to teach him to cook, to maintain his clothing, safety and organisation of his home.

I'm not sure why you posted but I feel sorry for your children you may have paid for them, but that apart I can't help but wonder how you have supported your children into adulthood.

So then what do I do You don't wash his clothes SecondhandRose. When his fellow students and those he works with start commenting in his appearance and body odour he'll change his tune, and you don't feed him either, until he starts paying his way.

You say both AC ha e isdues but if they can hold well paid jobs and be part time students they do better than a lot without issues. About time you thought of them as independent adults and treated them as such.

I think you were more than generous with £100 each - ungrateful, lazy, so-and-sos…. There’s no excuse for grown up children behaving like this. Enjoy your holiday!

Too right - mid twenties living at home not paying rent while having a paid job and part-time study for the future. You are doing more than enough and if they can`t be bothered to help at Christmas I would be flexing my parenting muscles and telling them to go flatshare somewhere.

I'm just wondering what need having your DCs dependant on you fulfills for you. You say you didn't ask for help because you would be met with resistance. There are 365 days in a year, and only 1 Christmas Day. Even if you only have a family meal once a week the clearing up and indeed the preparation should be naturally shared by now. It shouldn't be a question of asking and being met with resistance. It should be habit. You have a year to change things round. Start now.

And ADHD is no reason or excuse for not doing things. Indeed the physical activity of setting the table, or of clearing away whilst others sit could be welcomed. ADHD can be regarded as a positive attribute if the abilities it includes are recognised and built on. I was once at a lecture where we were told that people with ADHD are largely responsible for starting new independent businesses, that sometimes they fail, but they will try again, and fostering that impulsive, but pioneering, spirit is key to helping them achieve success.

Well done Enjoy the skiing

A person with autistic spectrum disorder will need specific instruction, they will not naturally intuit that you are sitting there waiting for someone to clear/wash up/make the coffee. You need to make your expectations explicit to him, but you didn't ask because you expected resistance! Well, I have to say that you are not alone amongst parents of autistic children, but you will get nowhere if you don't change your own behaviour. Best to tell him well in advance that the deal is: Mum and Dad will cook, you and your sister will clear/wash-up etc. Include a time-frame for this to be achieved i.e. NOT "later". Sounds as though your daughter also needs specific instruction - she probably thinks she can get away with it because her brother does too. As for meeting resistance, tell him that there will be NO Christmas lunch if he does not agree. I write with experience of this personally and professionally. As for no gifts from your daughter, even if she has no savings, could she not have made you something personal? Don't give gifts to people over 21 if they do not reciprocate. I'm glad you're going skiing, and it's too late for this year, but start laying the grounds for Christmas 2023 in November for both of them. Good luck!

My mum was like this when we were teenagers. It never occurred to me to help as she just did everything. One day she had been out and came home to dirty dishes in the sink. She just exploded and called us lazy lumps. From then on we did our bit but it would have been better if she'd told us years earlier what she needed from us.

Oh yes and by skiing I mean spending the kid’s inheritance. I hate the cold!

He is 28 soon, works part time, college part time. I ask him for £200 a month, he says you dont need the money so why should I pay it. I say that has no bearing on it whatsoever. So then what do I do? He lives in complete chaos. Surrounded by rubbish and wouldn’t wash his clothes unless I wash them.
DD had been estranged from us for several years. She has been home 6
months and is also working and studying. She is much nicer than she used to be but uses the house as a hotel.

We are currently looking at flats to get rid of the pair of them.

Good idea, have a great time and do more of what makes you happy. Stick to it don’t buckle and give them more over having the money for yourselves 😊

I'm sorry but I think it's your own fault, your hou your rules, yes cut them a bit of slack but there is no reason they shouldn't help around the house and contribute a little to the cost of meals, maybe each cook one day a week, you're not running a hotel and the sooner they learn to look after themselves the better for them, if they don't like it suggest they get their own accommodation

Maybe a holiday over Xmas next year ?

I’m glad my kids just help without being asked. They muck about a bit in the kitchen but clean everything up . They don’t put the best crockery away but do the bins and sweep the floor. They make me a drink and buy me a gift the pay 10% of what they bring home and put petrol in my car if they borrow it. I honestly can’t get my head around why your children think it’s ok not to do similar. Something is radically wrong with their attitude to you.

just reading this today and hope that you did have a great time ski ing. Rather than looking back at that you now have a new year coming up which may be a good time for you and your husband to discuss the different things,. So how would you ideally like the household to run? What is the minimum you could expect each person to contribute whether financially or in not only doing jobs but thinking about what needs doing in advance, not just the immediate. You know what your children could probably accomplish so you should be able to have at least a bottom line , then have a family get together about it. Putting it off wont solve anything and if there are going to be ructions about it , having thought it out carefully you should be able to present the facts in a straightforward way. Then the difficult part !! Sticking to the plan. If they are meant to change their beds clear and hoover their rooms etc DONT under any circumstance you do it. However smelly and messy it gets that is their lookout. I know it is difficult to live in a pigsty but it is for a limited time not forever. When my son was a young teenager and I had a very bad back I asked him to put away anything private and clear the floor in his bedroom and I would be giving it a good going over. I asked 3 times and it was put off and put off, So I went up and got on my hands and knees and put everything from football boots to precious posters and clothes etc all onto his bed, hoovered as I intended and put the duvet over the mess. When he came in and went upstairs he got quite a shock, but it definitely worked. Make a no mans land and try to ignore what their mess is like. If they do not make an effort to share in the work, then perhaps you and your husband could make your own meal and leave them to make their own. Dont wash their pots up etc etc. So you are either a group of people living in a co operative way together or you are in separate groups. When and if they ever have to live with other people they need to know how to work together and not be totally selfish. If they dont learn this they will end up on their own in a mess, so however hard things are it is better for them to begin to learn some independance in basic cooking and cleaning and shopping now. Good luck and hope your ski ing goes well . a happy and better new year for your all

Your AC are behaving like fledglings with open gapes. Make the nest less cosy for them.
Might I suggest that next year you and your DH have a Christmas Day meal at a restaurant? A table for two?