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Erectile dysfunction

(25 Posts)

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Goodynanny Mon 04-Jan-21 02:57:04

My partner has erectile dysfunction caused by diabetes 2, drinking far too much and being overweight. He says he’s depressed and upset about this. I’ve tried to help by encouraging him to eat healthier, drink less (much less) and talking to his gp.
He makes half hearted attempts but never sees anything through.
Ive told him I don’t care so much about the sex but I really miss the intimacy, the cuddles and kisses. He now won’t even let me see him naked and we’re sleeping apart. We’ve only been together three years.
I’m feeling unloved and undesirable. Can this relationship survive?

Nonogran Mon 04-Jan-21 09:53:50

Good morning Goodynanny
Without any physical loving at all, for example hugs, kisses, walking hand in hand, signs of appreciation and so on, what have you become to him? A housekeeper?

Grandma11 Mon 04-Jan-21 10:29:56

You could seek help and advice from Relate, either as a Couple, or for yourself as a partner. This can be via literature, Books, leaflets, contact numbers for advice lines, or by seeing one of their trained Counsellors face to face. Your Husband may also find it useful to be checked over by a urologist, and any physical causes treated or ruled out. As a Diabetic man, he would also be entitled to free treatment on prescription, of which there are many types, not just Viagra. The chances are that he's feeling very angry with himself that his body is letting him down in this way, and is feeling unworthy of your affections, hence he has given up somewhat as he sees himself as a bit of a burden, and doesn't want to pester you knowing that he has little chance of giving you full lovemaking like he used to do. Relate can help with these feelings too, as part of Couple counselling, and setting small tasks for you both to try as 'Homework' between sessions, which can be very helpful.

Esspee Mon 04-Jan-21 10:36:14

I don’t think the relationship will survive unless he changes. Perhaps you need to let him know this. It might just be what is needed to get him to change his ways.
A sexless relationship doesn’t have to be a problem but a loveless relationship is doomed. IMHO.

timetogo2016 Mon 04-Jan-21 10:39:26

Essppee is spot on,i can`t add to that great advice.

Puzzled Thu 07-Jan-21 12:26:19

Sex is important in a relationship.
A 80 y o widow told me "If the sex is good, the marriage is good"
ED is a problem that besets many men as they age, but not helped by lifestyle or diabetes.
It does sap their confidence, so he needs encouragement, in any form that you see fit, whether talk or demonstrations

Viagra, or Cialis may not work in your case.
As a diabetic he should be eligible for either an electric vacuum pump, (With a ring to go on after the pump has done its work) or just an elastic ring, to be prescribed.
The results can be almost instant!

The least, without a prescription, is that you would save the VAT. Hopefully the GP will prescribe as a treatment.
If you can persuade him to talk to his GP, and try out the aids, it should restore some of his self esteem, and hopefully bring you both pleasure, and improved health.
Genesis Medical are one supplier of such aids.
Hope that this helps

Puzzler61 Thu 07-Jan-21 12:30:56

Espee’s post is the same as mine would be advice-wise.
Keep discussing with him and I hope you can find a solution.

David0205 Thu 07-Jan-21 12:39:29

A loveless relationship is doomed, all it takes is a cuddle and a kiss if that is not happening I don’t give much hope. He really does need to try Viagra or Cialis they do work, along with an enthusiastic partner of course, then you might start sleeping together again.

CBrown Fri 15-Jan-21 13:59:17

Goodynanny

My partner has erectile dysfunction caused by diabetes 2, drinking far too much and being overweight. He says he’s depressed and upset about this. I’ve tried to help by encouraging him to eat healthier, drink less (much less) and talking to his gp.
He makes half hearted attempts but never sees anything through.
Ive told him I don’t care so much about the sex but I really miss the intimacy, the cuddles and kisses. He now won’t even let me see him naked and we’re sleeping apart. We’ve only been together three years.
I’m feeling unloved and undesirable. Can this relationship survive?

Erectile Dysfunction is a common sexual dysfunction in men, and can be quite hard to deal with, for both partners.

At the moment, it seems like your partner might be dealing with severe insecurity issues about this, which could be triggering his feelings of depression, and this is perfectly normal.

If you're worried about your relationship surviving, the best thing to do would be to keep supporting him and being patient until he starts to feel more confident within himself again.

In the meantime, you may feel unloved, but just remember it's not personal, he's just battling with his own issue and this should pass soon.

Here is some more useful information on Erectile Dysfunction and some natural remedies that can help: www.vivastreet.co.uk/blog/how-to-cure-erectile-dysfunction-at-home/

I hope this helps and things get better soon x

Chesterarthur Sun 17-Jan-21 00:04:59

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Shirlb Sun 24-Jan-21 11:23:04

My husband has this problem too but isn’t acknowledging it ☹️We do other things which he seems happy with but not the same as the ‘real’ thing for me I’d be happy to forget about it but he gets moody if go too long without anything 🙄

Lovetopaint037 Sun 24-Jan-21 11:51:54

It happened to my dh in our early sixties. He thought at first that he couldn’t cuddle me in case it started something and I would be disappointed. I then I said not to worry as kissing and cuddling is so important. That is what we have made a point of doing for years now. Little things, always give each other a kiss before even going out for the shortest time. It’s the looking after each other in so many little ways.

Puzzled Mon 01-Feb-21 18:59:44

Give very encouragement, in any form that you see fit from words to deeds. Don't give up. Dismiss any failures, as of little consequence, but a reason to try again.
Stage manage exciting things / places / times that are untried until now.
"If at first you don't succeed"
Every success, however small (no pun) will give confidence.
Things may not be exactly as they were before, but both need to remember that half a loaf is better than none.

Good luck

Coolgran65 Mon 01-Feb-21 20:00:01

Thing is ..... ED doesn't mean no sex, it just means no penetration. A man can still achieve full satisfaction without an erection and is capable of satisfying his partner without penetration.

Katie59 Mon 01-Feb-21 20:34:49

Lovetopaint sums it all up, the really important thing is kissing and cuddling, caring for each other, holding hands. It might be the menopause or prostate trouble or any other illness that ends sex, demonstrating that you “care” in other ways makes life just as nice.

caro19671 Fri 05-Feb-21 23:10:08

I am in a similar situation my OH is 12 years older than me and has type 2 diabetes he’s been using viagra successfully for a few years but since being given gabapentin for fibromyalgia the viagra doesn’t work. He also has Aspergers so sex was really the only time he showed any physical love towards me, there are no hugs kisses or I love you’s unless I do them. I love him and would hate to think at 53 that’s it for me.

grandtanteJE65 Fri 12-Feb-21 12:57:08

Ask yourself do you want this relationship to survive even if it entails no sex and little expression of love?

Your partner won't change unless he wants to, deep down inside.

Yes, you can try to help him, and if you decide to stay you have a long hard road ahead.

He needs professional advice to stop drinking and to start eating a diet that is healthy, and honestly the advice might be taken from a professional, from you he is likely to feel you are nagging. (You aren't, you are expressing concern and making sensible suggestions, but does he see it like that?)

Sit down and have a long honest talk with yourself, then with him afterwards once you know what you really want to do.

If he won't stop drinking (which might in itself help his erectile disfunction), start eating sensibly and give you some kind of affection in place of sex, then I am afraid your relationship is not going to be any fun at all. I am loth to say, "Get out while the going is good", but it might just be the only option you have.

calvin21 Sun 04-Jul-21 17:19:59

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BlueBelle Sun 04-Jul-21 18:51:01

Oh I totally disagree with your little mantra puzzled
“ If the sex is good the marriage is good” I ve been with some good sexual partners but they ve not been good relationships

Good luck * goodynanny* until he accepts his problem and acknowledges it your on a loser I hope for you both he gets some help and can at least show love if not have sex

Rezzonit Sun 26-Jun-22 21:16:49

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DiamondLily Mon 27-Jun-22 04:51:18

Lack of penetrative sex won't necessarily kill a marriage - lack of affection and intimacy almost certainly will.

A full and happy sex life can be had, without penetration - there are many ways to give and receive physical and emotional pleasure.

Perhaps, first of all, he should see a GP, for help with his depression, alcohol intake and weight problems.

This problem seems to stem from those things. He could also ask his GP's advice about his ED.

Good luck with sorting it out.

Yammy Mon 27-Jun-22 10:31:17

Goodynanny

My partner has erectile dysfunction caused by diabetes 2, drinking far too much and being overweight. He says he’s depressed and upset about this. I’ve tried to help by encouraging him to eat healthier, drink less (much less) and talking to his gp.
He makes half hearted attempts but never sees anything through.
Ive told him I don’t care so much about the sex but I really miss the intimacy, the cuddles and kisses. He now won’t even let me see him naked and we’re sleeping apart. We’ve only been together three years.
I’m feeling unloved and undesirable. Can this relationship survive?

If you can talk about it openly on Gransnet then you can talk to a councillor. Go to one on your own first then ask him if he would like to come with you.
When he sees you are not embarrassed or upset by his problem and or going to talk to others, even if you are acting ,it might make him feel more confident and less embarrassed. Who knows what might happen if he feels the pressure is off.
I think like others say you have to show love in a different way.

Blossoming Mon 27-Jun-22 10:39:07

Don’t feed the trolls folks, this is an old thread to which a scam advert link has been posted.

MichaelGransnet (GNHQ) Mon 27-Jun-22 11:33:02

Thanks for the reports. We've deleted the spam and banned the spammer. We'll lock this thread in a mo.

DiamondLily Mon 27-Jun-22 14:55:58

Blossoming

Don’t feed the trolls folks, this is an old thread to which a scam advert link has been posted.

That advice was a waste of time then...🙄