No help, no gift so we are skiing

A friend of mine has a married daughter, both her and her husband work, but yet she never has money by the middle of the month. He puts money on their gas and electric meters and gives her a couple of hundred pounds to see her to the end of the month which they spend on take aways, etc. He never gets the money back when they get paid. He complains to me, but keeps doing it. Their kids now are doing the same to him asking for games, McDs daily, etc knowing he's a soft touch. He actually took equity out on his house and gave them the money, the other daughter got nothing because he said she manages her money well and didn't need it.
You go away on holidays, etc; spend your money like you said and let them look after themselves as they need to learn, they have a cushy number at yours.

I think this problem may be yours. Let them live rent free. Don’t insist they do their bit. By your lack of guidance they know no other way of behaving.

You sound quite passive aggressive, and that's quite difficult for setting boundaries. but nothing will change unless you clearly state your expectations of what you feel is acceptable behaviour. There doesn't appear to be mutual respect or even caring and it sounds like you and your OH have given up.. probably some space would help so they can learn to live independently and take responsibility...

Brilliant!! Quietly done and made you feel so much better. No need for rows on Christmas day.

I understand completely where you are coming from, BUT!! my son is 32 years old, severe ADHD, he got up at 6am Christmas day, prepped all the veg, and did all the cooking!! He did great, it was a lovely Christmas dinner, and to my surprise when I got up to clear away and wash up, I was told to go and sit down, that he was doing it all, as I do it all year, so it was my day off!! ADHD or not, I feel you have been too easy on your adult children! Mine cleared the table from 7 years old, and did light chores. It teaches them what to expect when they are older. Please don't get me wrong, my son is "triggered" easily too, but you can't let them rule you. Somewhere there has to be boundaries surely? The arguments I've endured over the years I could write a best seller about, but I stood up to my son in what is right and wrong and taught him to treat others with manners and respect. We would fall out big time, but you could be sure he went away and thought about what i'd said, and I knew by his actions he'd actually realised I was simply guiding him in the right and wrongs in life, and why I put boundaries in place. It's paid off, he is one of the most kindest helpful people I know that would help anyone out if he could, and expect nothing in return apart from a "thank you very much".

It sounds like you and your husband have had a wake up call, good for you putting the money towards your holiday. They are adults now and as the old saying goes treat people like they treat you

SecondHandRose
I think you’re actually Spending the Kids’ Inheritance, aren’t you? Not actually going ski-ing?! Good for you! I would definitely go away somewhere nice next Christmas. Just wondering though - have your children never bought you presents? If not, then they’ve obviously come to think that it’s not necessary.
Our daughter once didn’t buy me a birthday present - because we were away on holiday! 🤔 Perhaps she thought we weren’t coming back…

I have two younger children and even at their age I'd be horrified with no help like this and to be frankly and totally undervalued. You sound like lovely parents and I hope you can maybe have a chat with them or for something to help them see how much you do for them x

My son lived at home rent and board free when he was a full time student. He was away term time and worked in the holidays. Couldn’t work term time as his degree demanded odd hours of attendance at weekends and evenings, so he wasn’t well off. I supported him with cash and help where he needed it He is 30 now and has bought his own place. He was always a loving and helpful presence and still is, helping with chores and doing little things for me. He always bought small thoughtful gifts and realises the value not just of material comforts but of the loving and supportive family he has had (I hope). Your children perhaps do not appreciate the value of the love and support you have given them these years and which so many others never have. If they take their entitled behaviour out into the big bad world, it will chew them up and spit them out! The tough, who have really struggled, will certainly prove the stronger.

This was the 1st year in a long time that DH and myself had visitors for Christmas - this was for personal reasons due to bereavement. We then went full throttle and had 11 over 3 days. Unlike yourself everyone did help but I have to be honest to say it was absolute carnage and totally exhausting, despite preparing and planning this for months. Whilst we loved having everyone here we decided (as soon as the last visitor left) that we are going away, just the two of us, next Christmas . There is a hotel in Cornwall which is amazing (we stayed there once before but not at Christmas) and I am so looking forward to going back. DH moaned a little at my choice because it is a black tie dinner on Christmas day but the other two days are full of entertainment, food and drink (and golf thrown in for DH) I am already looking forward to it. If we could go skiing we would but unfortunately DH has had quite a few hip replacements so leaves us very wary of doing anything risky. I truly hope you go through with your plans and enjoy every minute

Love this. Enjoy your trip!

While I agree that adult children who are working full time should contribute to the family budget I am puzzled by references to my mother "took" £XX from me. That implies that the adult child is not in control of their own money but is still a dependent. Children will never learn to manage their finances unless there is some negotiation over the amount they put up for their "keep".

My mother never "took" anything from me. She received what I "gave" her when I was working. She never knew what I earned because I was paid by bank transfer and had all my correspondence sent to an accommodation address.

If this sounds harsh I had to hide my purse under my pillow otherwise money would disappear from it. I never found out whether it had been my mother or my sister who stole it. However it did profoundly affect my relationship to how much I was prepared to contribute to the family pot.

Katiecat13

SecondhandRose Well done. Suggest the skiing holiday is over Christmas next year…..

Ski-ing = Spending the Kids' Inheritance!

EMMYPEMMY

What are all your thoughts?
I have 3 x children , 2 Grandchildren
Daughter never invites us to her house all Year if we call unannounced she is hostile so we do not bother.
Grandson ( her boy) 25 years of age and a Dad himself never got us anything for Christmas not even a card
Grandaughter ( Daughters child ) age 8 years gave us a card. That's OK.
But all Year long we take Grandson out and baby give money pay for everything and no birthday cards or pressies , by the way he has a full time job . I am sick of it all now
I'm looking to change my will and 2023 making it all about me and hubby . What do you think ?

Honestly if my children did this I'd make sure there was nothing left for them to inherit - perhaps leave a sum of money to the GD who sends you a card?!

There seem to be a lot of quite serious issues in this family and we’ve only heard 25% of it …….

Perhaps try to give your son a specific job to do at Christmas- my grandson is autistic but with clear guidelines he can do all sorts of things very willingly. When my 3 children were growing up, I always gave them certain jobs on Christmas Day - same job each year, eg laying the table, stuffing the turkey, making pigs in blankets, doing the veg, etc etc- then afterwards everyone cleared stuff away. I know it’s too late to do that now perhaps but maybe not? If they are still at home. I’m afraid that unless they are very disabled , I would have insisted on help- actually they enjoyed doing something- especially as it was the same job each year - easy to remember 🤔😂😂Give it a go!! Good Luck xx

We still had three of our four adult children living at home some time ago. Our solution was to move house, to a distant city, so they had to take charge of their own lives (we did help them sort out places to live). It worked quite well, we've moved back to the area now and they're all established in their lives, though one only scrapes a living doing something he loves.
I told my children that we really didn't need them to give us presents but they all gave us something: bottle of wine, chocolates, a nice bag of coffee or a meal out.
Your daughter sounds a bit mean, I don't think I would have given her the money.

What are all your thoughts?
I have 3 x children , 2 Grandchildren
Daughter never invites us to her house all Year if we call unannounced she is hostile so we do not bother.
Grandson ( her boy) 25 years of age and a Dad himself never got us anything for Christmas not even a card
Grandaughter ( Daughters child ) age 8 years gave us a card. That's OK.
But all Year long we take Grandson out and baby give money pay for everything and no birthday cards or pressies , by the way he has a full time job . I am sick of it all now
I'm looking to change my will and 2023 making it all about me and hubby . What do you think ?

I would have given them a box of chocolates each, they sound very self centred and ungrateful..
Next year I’d book you and your husband a holiday away all over the Christmas and let them cook and clean up after themselves…

Yes good on you
We felt the same this year Grandchild 25 years old and a Dad himself bought us nothing not even a card
We all went out boxing day for a meal
Take take take and I'm getting sick of it We give him, his partner and baby all Year his Partner never even turned up to the meal
So disrespectful but hey ho 2023 I am making big changes no more giving its finished

Katiecat13

SecondhandRose Well done. Suggest the skiing holiday is over Christmas next year…..

Will you be skiing, skiing?

Well done. Enjoy your holiday.

Good for you! Let's hope this will make them think how to treat others

Good for you, they are taking you both for granted. As soon as I earned money when I lived at home, my mum took half of it and I'm glad she did as it learnt me how to manage money.

Most of the comments on your post are very unhelpful and quite nasty. Your children are lazy and unhelpful and disrespectful. They are old enough to know better and to not have to be asked to help out. I don’t blame you, if you ask me £100 is too generous.