No help, no gift so we are skiing

All children and now grandchildren have been brought up always to help. Now teenagers all enjoy preparing first class desserts or starters for any family occasion.
One does super Sushi, rice and all trimmings.

SecondhandRose Well done. Suggest the skiing holiday is over Christmas next year…..

ADHD is not an excuse for poor behaviour. I hope your son gets some help learning how to deal with what "triggers" him. It will make his own life pleasanter as well as the lives of those he lives with.

My Mum took rent from me , her idea ! But I was happy to think I was helping her out
I earned under £35. I had to give her £10 , it was good training for me
I only found out years later that she had saved it and used it to pay for my wedding

I don’t want to be unkind but you are doing them no favours. Sooner or later they will have to learn to be more independent. Giving them large sums of money for Christmas does not help. May I suggest you get them to pay some rent - it doesn’t have to be a lot and save it to give or buy them something with when they move into a new home. I did this with mine and my mum did it with me. It gives you a sense of independence and responsibility and pride that you are helping pay your way, and also respect which your two sadly seem to lack. I think you need to have a careful conversation.

letting off steam perhaps?

If you say you’re not complaining and then make excuses for your childrens behaviour. What is the point in your post ?

I'm fascinated by this 'spending the kids' inheritance'. It's not their money, it's yours and you can spend the whole damn lot if you want to. You're under no obligation to keep it all safe for them!

£600 each for a Christmas present sounds like sheer over indulgence to me, but I was brought up in a relatively poor household where we had little to spare for indulgences. Old habits die hard...

At 18 I attended a sandwich course with alternate periods of employment and study. I had to save up half of my salary from my "working" periods in order to pay my mother the same money as when I was working full time. That was the only reason I was allowed to enrol on the course.

Her favorite mantra was "You cant keep a family on one man's wage".

This was back in the 1960s. In fact most of the money I gave my mother for my "keep" went straight onto my sisters back to provide her with crisp new school uniforms, My school uniforms had been from the second hand market and looked it. I worked part time in the local chip shop during my "study" periods for a bit of extra cash.

When I hear of adult children being allowed to doss about the home and pay nothing for their keep I think of how strict my parents were. I chose never to have children. If I had I would have brought them up "hard" and made them pay their way as I did.

When I finally left home age 22 I knew how to budget for all the basic expenses of living independently. I also remember the incredulous look on my mothers face when I told her I was moving out the following week. It was priceless!

Our son has severe ADHD (diagnosed and medicated) and I think high functioning autism (undiagnosed). He can do nothing on the spur of the moment. He is extremely self righteous and has been told when his course ends he will need to find a new home. He does not have a student grant as had one previously - not paid off.

Hetty, I agree it was a rather large amount in the first place, but I don't think I would have changed my mind mid-day on Christmas. I don't gift my grown kids that amount.

CanadianGran, I don't see it as spiteful - at all. They get free board so £100 is quite generous enough.

However, of course, by not helping, they're behaving in exactly the way you allow them to behave - so, perhaps, you have only yourselves to blame?

Hmmm, so on Christmas Day at 1:40 in the afternoon, you change the amount of gift you were going to give your kids because they didn't help with dishes or give a gift?

Although these kids seem very entitled and uncaring, I'm not sure your reaction is the right way to handle it. You were hurt and reacted in my mind a bit spitefully.

I would have said something to them, and made future plans to go away next Christmas.

Going by your introductory comment, £100 seems very generous to me.

Good on you, great decision.

Well, you say you’re not complaining, but your first post suggests otherwise, or, at the very least disappointment - a small gift “would have been lovely”, asking for help would have “been met with resistance”. Goodness, they aren’t young children, they are adults, but are behaving rather like over indulged children.
You also say they haven’t lifted a finger to help - but have you created this situation by not encouraging them to pull their weight, by not having boundaries and by not fostering a mutual respect? You say you have ongoing daughter issues and your son has adhd, but you know that you can’t allow the situation you have to continue unchallenged - you do them no favours by not giving them some responsibilities. They can’t go on in life living responsibility free for ever - they need to understand that life doesn’t come gift wrapped, all organised and done in a nice package from someone else. You won’t always be around, how on Earth will they cope then without having learned the importance of some independence, some respect and the knowledge that they need to know how to get by in life? They will meet people who will not be as willing to let them sit back and be waited on - they may well encounter strong resistance and be told in no uncertain terms that self centred, selfish behaviour won’t be tolerated - a steep learning curve. You could go some way to mitigate that by becoming a little stricter yourself. It will be hard, but what’s the alternative?

Looking at this from a non-emotional perspective, one would have to assume that these students who are holding down part-time jobs will, by default, be assigned tasks by their employers. They get paid for compliance. Which proves they are capable (if not exactly happy) to do work.

Now it’s time to expect them to row in at home too. They are perfectly able to do so but they might not like to.

Perhaps offer them T&C at home to choose? Either (a) they help out more - give them specific tasks that they are expected to perform as they must do for their employers or (b) the other option is to pay rent.

It’s time they segued into the real world.

Good luck whatever you decide.

However do you expect your AC to cope in the outside world if you don't guide them now? They could at least help with household chores and clearing the table after a meal ranks amongst the basic of tasks. Reap what you sow.

I sympathise SHR. Our lads are so different. Two will always help unasked. The others need to be asked and then will do it- it's as if they don't notice there are things to be done! In future just ask them to do a or b and see how things go.

Why if they both have part-time jobs, and presumably students' grants as well, are they not paying rent?

Or as a basic minimum instead doing allotted household tasks.

I would give them both notice at once. You and your husband are enabling them to remain teenagers and not mature into responsible adults by letting them behave like this.

Glad to hear that you are going to use money on yourselves instead of on presents for them, but that is not really the point here, is it?

Your opening post certainly came over as complaining and punishing your children. The others are quite right in their responses.

I’m not complaining, DH and I are more than happy.

Well, if you have learned to deal with 'it' in a quiet way that suits you, why are you complaining?

Being a part-time student and also having jobs but not paying you any rent or helping around the house? Seriously? You can only expect replies on here to tell you that you aren't doing your adult kids any favours by spoiling/ruining them like this. Go skiing, you and your husband, have a lovely time, then come home, formulate a plan for each of your sponging kids, giving them a timeframe for staying with your rent free and from a date in the very near future they start to pay you rent. Give them a rent book each which they may find helpful when/if they need to claim some benefits.

so will you be skiing + skiing, or without?