Am I being stingy?

This is a Post about Xmas presents Mummysue but I couldn't pass by without a comment. Your situation sounds horrendous and yes, your husband is obviously very controlling. Whatever you do, don't make hasty decisions, at 71 you don't want to end up in a one bed flat with no money!
Separate houses near one another sounds a great idea, I've often thought of it myself when my own DH does my head in but will there be enough money to do that and would he agree in the first place? You are already living separate lives under the same roof so really, what have you to lose apart from financial security? Think carefully about this, talk to a good friend or a solicitor. Others on here will have good advice for you.

I have reached the end of the line with my sister. Every year I send birthday and Christmas gifts, and they are never acknowledged - not even a quick text to say the parcel has arrived.
It robs all the joy out of buying a present, wrapping it and sending it.
Some people think that it is unreasonable to expect gratitude, but that isn't the way we were brought up, and a note, text, FB message, email or phone call would do. I dont expect fulsome thanks, just an acknowledgement of the gift.
And before anyone starts, I have sent hand written letters to her for my Christmas presents until a couple of years ago, when I decided I couldn't be be bothered either. I don't think she even noticed.
So I have decided that this year will be the final year. And I'd suggest that the OP does too.

Mummysue

Im nearly 71 and finding retirement a struggle having had a managerial post.
My husband is driving me nuts . I cant use the dishwasher “waste of time” so he does the washing up as I dont do properly 😡
I cant use tumbledryer so do it when hes out 😜but hes like inspecter morse checking ….
Im recuperating from an op so immobile for next few weeks .. feel like a prisoner …
He goes round muttering … I left the dog food on the work top when he walked the dog he moaned I never placed on floor.. I heard him cursing cos a jug I washed had a porridge oat still stuck to it .. if I stroke the dog on the sofa he tells me to stop as its in his line of vision 🤷‍♀️ its like coersive control in the home .. yet he has good qualities ..he does housework , (although wants praise for everything !)
He has his own bedroom and likes to buy his own food shopping its all so frustrating… Im dreading the future….we are about to sell our house and Im tempted to separate but worry about it at my age.. we could live separately but still spend time together would be my best scenario but very scary

I think you probably meant to post this as a separate thread, but I'll answer anyway! Your domestic life does not sound happy. If he's sleeping in his own room and doing his own shopping, what you have is a housemate, not a husband! I'd be wanting to leave this marriage when you sell up, however scary it may be. Could you afford to buy a small flat with your share of the sale?

Im nearly 71 and finding retirement a struggle having had a managerial post.
My husband is driving me nuts . I cant use the dishwasher “waste of time” so he does the washing up as I dont do properly 😡
I cant use tumbledryer so do it when hes out 😜but hes like inspecter morse checking ….
Im recuperating from an op so immobile for next few weeks .. feel like a prisoner …
He goes round muttering … I left the dog food on the work top when he walked the dog he moaned I never placed on floor.. I heard him cursing cos a jug I washed had a porridge oat still stuck to it .. if I stroke the dog on the sofa he tells me to stop as its in his line of vision 🤷‍♀️ its like coersive control in the home .. yet he has good qualities ..he does housework , (although wants praise for everything !)
He has his own bedroom and likes to buy his own food shopping its all so frustrating… Im dreading the future….we are about to sell our house and Im tempted to separate but worry about it at my age.. we could live separately but still spend time together would be my best scenario but very scary

Why not suggest that this year, instead of buying each other gifts, you both go out together for a lovely lunch in January/February, when the weather is a bit bleak?

Just don't mention the ungrateful teens!

lixy

Very common not to give presents to teenagers. They don't want 'stuff' anymore than we do.
I give a bag of chocolate coins to a good friend's son and have done for years - it's now a standing joke between us.

I gave a teenage boy a chocolate Santa and he was happy.

I stopped buying for nephews and nieces when they were 18. I get a card from one and the others I haven't seen since their sisters wedding 7 years ago.
I have heard on the grape vine they are expecting their first baby but will not be sending a present unless they tells us in a Christmas card [which they never send]or something similar.
With cousin's children we all came to an agreement when they were about 16 and now send something the family can share, biscuits, chocolates or now they are older a couple of bottles of booze.
One nephew is small and his mum is very thoughtful I buy a Leggo Advent calendar and something for the stocking

I think its acceptable to let everyone know not to get presents for kids once they leave school. Or get a family gift to share ..chocs or biscuits .

I'm giving my grandchildren a small gift I know that they'd like and some money. They all get so much at Christmas but would like to go out and choose something for themselves later.

My sister and I have agreed that we won't exchange presents for our generation. However I give my nephew and niece money and only ever get thanks from my niece (usually weeks later). My sister does the same for my children and I know that they're not good at sending thanks either. Personally I'd knock it on the head but I think my sister would be put out about it.

My suggestion is just don’t buy for them anymore. Let friend know very casually that you’re cutting your spending (if you know her well enough and she won’t be offended, tell her why!) and just don’t buy for them anymore x

Thank you everyone for your comments/views I really appreciate them
x

I gave my 4 grandchildren a choice they could have money which i hate giving as i really love giving surprise gifts or a special activity day each with nan and grandad they all chose the activity so its win win for us as we have a special day out with them making memories and we have time to spread the cost a little and its also entertaining and enjoyable for us

I send a little message out to my friends this time of year to say - We did say no christmas presents didn't we? Or is it OK if we stop the xmas presents this year -if its the first time . Only we have a family secret santa so just one adult to buy for and then the DGC and the food so thats enough in the cost of living crisis !? Just to check? - I think they're all relieved . It just takes someone to ask the question.

I would buy a gift for the family to share. DH has a nephew with 5 children so separate presents are out of the question. We buy sweets or biscuits and maybe a card game for them to play.

Think there comes a time when you can stop. You’ll know when that is.

We used to buy birthday and Christmas presents for the girl nextdoor. We never got a thank you and we stopped when she reached 18.

When she had a baby we bought him a present and one for her and yet again never got a thank you.

I don't bother with cards or presents for them at all now. Oh and by the way I do not buy rubbish presents. They are the losers.

Like Oreo. and Desdemona I think I’d carry on with a small gift, but drop into the conversation that gifts will stop when they leave school.
I have/had the same problem with DH’s nephews, so I now send cheques. It’s no skin off my nose if they can’t be bothered to bank them.

Just stop, they don't even say thank you. Never have bought for friends children. I find it diffucult knowing what to buy my own family. I have friends I always bought for, now we don't, we get together for a meal instead, being with them is enough. . I know my teenage grandchildren had firm ideas of what they liked and I had to ask the parents what they were into. Now I buy a gift but give them a voucher or a cheque which they prefer.

Just tell them all that you are donating to charity instead from now on. They won't know if or how much you are giving.

Not stingy at all, Sarahleigh, but sensible and the box of chocolates for children to share is a lovely idea.

In my apartment block lives a single Mum with two delightful daughters, aged six and eight, to whom I give small gifts. This year I shopped from BHF online and have already given them Christmas gonk pin badges with which they are delighted. I’ll supply the link but I see that many items have now sold out.

giftshop.bhf.org.uk/giftshop?p=2

Every supermarket sells tubs of chocolates give a tub addressed to the family with a card and don’t feel guilty about it.

Difficult decision that. I've decided that this is the last time I send parcels abroad. It's ridiculously expensive now. And a huge amount of effort, buying, packing, standing in post office queue etc. They'll understand hopefully, now that I'm really old. 🤔

You could just carry on giving £5 and a selection box - teenagers love chocolate and money is money...whatever the amount.

Give them £10 each if you want to continue and just a small gift costing a fiver for your friend.
In my experience teenagers do appreciate the cash, not all families are rolling in money or stuff and come to that, not all adults are either.