Am I being stingy?

This is why I am not a fan of Christmas. It’s all so commercialised. Buying stuff for distant relatives we barely know.

I'm with you on this one. I'm the same don't need or want anything,I do like a card though. I've stopped giving to my friends' grandchildren, who I never see! Buying stuff they didn't need just to keep up appearances! I just gave each a bags of sweets, like Heroes, in with their gran's present. You are not stingy....

Mummysue as others have said.. this might be on the wrong thread, but again I felt for your situation. I’m assuming you have been married many years and you seem to be living on eggshells, which made me initially suggest look for an exit from the situation. How ever I feel you should discuss his behaviour and how it makes you feel, and if it comes down to it, let him know you are considering leaving him as this is no way to live out your senior years. As much as I do not condone his behaviours, sometimes if left unchallenged they become “normal” to your husband and he may consider his methods and behaviours normal, as you are accepting it, perhaps with a sigh or roll of the eyes to keep the peace, but nevertheless not stepping forward and saying it’s “your washing machine/dishwasher” etc, and calmly letting him know he can’t speak to you like that, it’s hurtful and affecting your relationship/marriage. He has to acknowledge how his behaviour is affecting your lives together and either agree to change, or you are leaving… with half of EVERYTHING. I know someone who was in a similar situation and the whole dynamic of their relationship changed because she discussed it, and said she’d had enough. He actually later told her he behaved intolerably because she let him. Have the chat and at least you won’t have regrets and if nothing else, you’ll have got it off your chest. Good luck.

Just give a communal type gift eg box of biscuits, chocs, wine, sparkling non alcohol apple/elderberry fizz. They can all share. Or, nothing. Seems the teenagers aren't interested so don't bother and for your friend just declare no presents please.

Don't buy them anything. I tried it and the world didn't end. Still friends.

Always give teenagers money now.
A simple bank transfer is all that’s needed.

I do that for my two grandsons and they always text to thank me. They always seem to be saving up for something or other, happy all round.

I send money to my grandchildren via PayPal, only a little, like £20-£25, enough to acknowledge it is their birthday, but not enough to tell them I can afford it!

I am no good at buying presents nowadays, anyway, because children want different things these days.

Yes a tub of chocolates is always welcome for families.

You dont have to say I am not buying presents for you and your teens

You simply have to say that because of COL you are only buying for immediate family this year and make that the future plan. The cost of living crisis has given people a golden opportunity to cut down on all the extravaganza and flummery of xmas.

I have stopped exchanging gifts with friends or friends’ children. For the past couple of years, it’s just children / GC. But I do give a bottle of wine for those who have been good to me throughout the year.

We stopped buying for nephews and nieces a long time ago, it never seemed to be what they wanted so we don’t bother now ..
Our grandchildren get a fixed amount each year and they let us know what they’d like or we’ll put money towards something expensive..they always send thank you cards which considering they are30, 27,20 and 16 is good going ! This year it’s a hall mirror for the eldest,, Liz Earle goodies for granddaughter, electric blanket for the uni lad and money towards trainers for the youngest ! We’re not well off by any means but it’s always great to see they appreciate what we give them .. the other grandparents do similar to us so it’s a win win situation for the grandchildren.. ,

Sarahleigh

I love buying Christmas presents for my own children/grandchildren, they know not to buy me anything not even a card (other than grandchildren’s drawn ones) as I don’t need anything and no I’m not rich, money is tight. My dilemma is that I have a friend 10 years younger than myself, who has 2 teenage children. I am fed up of giving them a present/money, I never receive a thank you and it costs me at least £35 for them and their mother (who I don’t mind buying for) and all I am given is a cheap something (nothing to my taste) that normally goes to charity. Any tips on how to get out of buying for the teenagers, without seeming stingy? It was fine when a selection box and £5 each was acceptable but now that doesn’t buy anything, I wouldn’t mind as much if I received a thank you. Any thoughts? Thank you

It's acceptable to have 'the conversation' about not giving & receiving gifts. It's all over the media & daytime tv programmes etc. I stopped spreading gifts around very many years ago. I do buy very close family but generally only my grandchildren. If I see anything nice present worth in charity shops that's what they get.
I wouldn't buy Teens anything, as lovely as they are, none of them can do the "oh that's lovely" face, so they can coco 😊
Just stop & don't feel guilty about it!

Hi
If You feel you would like to buy a token how about a box of quality street or something ?🙂

No, YOU ARE NOT BEING STINGY.

THEY ARE DOWNRIGHT RUDE.

Stop buying for them.... end of.

If they can't be arsed to say "Thank you" then I'm sorry but it is the right and decent thing to do..... atrocious to not respond !!!!

💐

This happened to me with our niece and nephew when they were teenagers. They had always lived at the other side of the country so we never saw each other much, just communicated by telephone. I had always given our nephew and niece presents at Christmas and birthdays from them being born and then as they got older, I put a cheque in their cards. I never, ever received a thank you from them or my sister and brother in law. One year I just sent a family Christmas card to all of them and never heard from them again which suited me fine.

If I were you I would do the same for your friends. If she queries why you did not give her children presents just tell her the truth that they had not once had the courtesy to thank you for them so you have now stopped. This person is no friend of yours, a true friend respects what you do for them and their family and it appears that this person does not respect you at all.

I have told our sons and daughters in law that from now on I only buy gifts for our grandchildren and they were perfectly happy with that.

In my family we have a rule that we stop buying presents for teenagers once they are sixteen unless we have a proper, reciprocated relationship with them. So, for example, my nieces and nephews are all in their twenties and thirties and off doing their own thing. I never hear from them, I don’t get even a text on my birthday or a Christmas, I don’t think they would even know my address now. When I did buy them presents when they were younger, I never got a thank you from them. All of this is ok, however, I don’t feel our relationship warrants a present any more - relationships have to be a two way street.

Why are people so ungrateful?? I have a friend who is so negative about everything, and has been complaining that she is cold and can't afford her electric heating. I did send a small ceramic heater, supposedly good on the use of electricity, then a lovely long 'furry' hoodie with a cat on the pocket - she loves cats. She told me she had received it but no idea where it came from (my name and address on reverse of parcel!!). I confirmed it was from me and hoped it would help keep her warm. Nothing, no thanks or 'yes it will help'!! Don't know why I bother!! Did suggest she send me a photo of her wearing it - but no answer - just more negative moaning!!

I have given up buying gifts or sending a cheque to my nephew for his children. I used to buy well chosen gifts and did not even know whether they had arrived safely. Then I changed to cheques which were paid in about two months later. No acknowledgement, no thanks. So I stopped.
I would like to stop giving a gift to my oldest grandchild who has now completed his studies and is working, but as I am going to their house at Christmas, I can hardly give to the parents and other grandchild and not this one. I never get a thank you unless I hand it over directly which rarely happens. This grandchild has no contact with me except if I am at their house. I don’t ever get a text or phone call.

Time to stop now Sarahleigh I think once the thought is in your head then it's time to act. Don't feel guilty you have been generous for a long time now you have to consider yourself.

We have mutually agreed to stop presents with adult friends, and some family members, which has greatly reduced the present buying dilemma. Birthdays are of course very much the indivdual's special day, but for Christmas we now have a meal instead, and enjoy several lunches or dinners with friends and family in the cold gloomy months after Christmas. Everyone seems happy with the arrangment - and present buying is reserved for the children.

Dempie55

Mummysue

Im nearly 71 and finding retirement a struggle having had a managerial post.
My husband is driving me nuts . I cant use the dishwasher “waste of time” so he does the washing up as I dont do properly 😡
I cant use tumbledryer so do it when hes out 😜but hes like inspecter morse checking ….
Im recuperating from an op so immobile for next few weeks .. feel like a prisoner …
He goes round muttering … I left the dog food on the work top when he walked the dog he moaned I never placed on floor.. I heard him cursing cos a jug I washed had a porridge oat still stuck to it .. if I stroke the dog on the sofa he tells me to stop as its in his line of vision 🤷‍♀️ its like coersive control in the home .. yet he has good qualities ..he does housework , (although wants praise for everything !)
He has his own bedroom and likes to buy his own food shopping its all so frustrating… Im dreading the future….we are about to sell our house and Im tempted to separate but worry about it at my age.. we could live separately but still spend time together would be my best scenario but very scary

I think you probably meant to post this as a separate thread, but I'll answer anyway! Your domestic life does not sound happy. If he's sleeping in his own room and doing his own shopping, what you have is a housemate, not a husband! I'd be wanting to leave this marriage when you sell up, however scary it may be. Could you afford to buy a small flat with your share of the sale?

Put this on separate thread Mummsue.. I'm sure you'll get lots of helpful and kind responses

Absolutely stop now. I had a similar situation with family who didn't thank me for gifts and who never acknowledge my birthday etc. I am also not included in family events either! So I buy for those who do say thank you only.

When they leave full time education, then if they don't buy for me - I don't for them, fair ? We exchange gifts at Christmas, you're not describing a two way process. So don't worry about, have a lovely Christmas

l married into a large family. Grannie plus 5 children and partners, followed by 2 children each = a lot of stuff began to accumulate and present opening could take hours split into different times of the day. So after a sherry or 2 we sat down and discussed the "gift" problem. We decided to only give gifts to children and granny who had a large house where we would all stay. She would never take any money ( allowed us to bring turkey ) easy to buy for as she kept a list of books she wanted. Sadly she died at 104 this year. As nobody has a large house we no longer have a big christmas day which made lovely memories. Games of all sorts took over from the presents and seeing all the cousins,
Helping with mountains of washing up after (she would not have a dishwasher ) the main event. At its peek we had kids under 10 in the dining room and adults in the breakfast room. Its sad that the great grandchildren will never enjoy this. you would hear laughing and bumps from the "kids " dinning room but the room was always in one piece and food eaten. My son has very happy memories. l came from a very small family where church featured heavily and after lunch and the Queen's speech followed by a walk. Maybe a tin of "old oak " ham was opened for supper and the day was over. l could not believe the joyous way my husbunds family celebrated.

In my family we always stopped buying presents when youngsters reached adulthood - 18 or 21. My husband's family sent presents to us after we were married and I found that odd getting presents from his Aunts and Uncles when mine had stopped years earlier.
Having received presents from my grandparents until 21, when I started work I bought small gifts for each of them each year which I think they appreciated. My brother and I agreed to stop presents and I stopped giving to my nephews at adulthood, so now I only buy for my own children and grandchildren, my niece and nephew on my ex husband's side as they are still quite young, and one old friend. I keep her present small as I know she hasn't got much money, but don't want to stop. Often my own children get taken out for a meal or some experience together. We none of us need 'stuff'!
I am a crafter so often make small handmade gifts for those who appreciate them, but DD doesn't seem to, so I stick to experiences with her. My DiL's family do Secret Santa as there are lots of them.
Lots of people are cutting back as otherwise we end up with lots of stuff we neither need nor want, so don't feel obliged, especially if you never get thanked.