Mother won't make a effort

Allira

Ps I'd never think of serving up dinners on plates if people were coming to our house for a meal.
I'm surprised that anyone would do that.

The only time I've done that is when the DC were young and it was just us and they used to try to avoid vegetables.

Our family was/is firmly working class. Brought up in a rented terraced house in Old Trafford. My mum always plated our dinners. We didn’t have any serving dishes. Nor napkins, come to think of it. I remember going (on my own) at 17 to visit an aunt who had ‘married well’ and lived in a beautiful large detached house in Esher. I was amazed when they all sat down to Sunday lunch and her husband carved the chicken at the table, asking me whether I preferred white meat or dark. And they had a gravy boat on a saucer. I was a bit nervous eating my dinner.

00opsidia

It's only a roast dinner once a year.

One day she won't be able to come for Christmas dinner or any dinner, so make the most of her. The boyfriend you don't like much, but you make an allowance because he makes your Mum happy.

I think at 84 it's understandable she won't be up to buying gifts, but if she wants to give you money say thanks.

👏👏👏

Shopping can get too much as well, at least Misty's mother gives them money to buy what they want.

It's better than buying unwanted gifts which end up in the charity shop.

MissAdventure

I'd give a total stranger some company and dinner once a year. Or even twice.

👏👏👏👏👏

We ALWAYS allow our guests and family to help themselves to Roast dinners and especially Christmas.

Having said this I do think both your Mum and her partner are lacking a little in social graces, I was brought up to always take gifts, especially at Christmas, and to help with either prep or clearing up.

I agree with everyone else, give them a list of things like wine and desserts, to bring with them.

I'd give a total stranger some company and dinner once a year. Or even twice.

To be honest, I don’t think 84 is that old. I’m 67, but my mum came to me up until she entered a care home 3 years ago, when she physically couldn’t get into a car any more. Even with a disabled wheelchair taxi it wouldn’t have been possible due to access/toilet etc. She died recently at nearly 103, so had been coming to me up to the age of nearly 99. She ate like a bird though, but was always appreciative of what she received and it would never have occurred to her to offer any contribution and I would have never expected anything.

Just accept it’s only once a year and make the day as best you can for her. I would, however, be dropping some not so subtle hints to her man friend that a couple of bottles of nice wine or chocolates would be appreciated. Maybe your mum could drop the hints for you!

Also " Everything we offer him he never turns down. I feel his sponging from us. "

So don't offer so much. If you resent it, offer less. He is saying yes to what you offer, but maybe goes home, clutches his stomach and groans saying "oh they offered me so much and I felt I had to be polite and say yes to all of it!"

It's only a roast dinner once a year.

One day she won't be able to come for Christmas dinner or any dinner, so make the most of her. The boyfriend you don't like much, but you make an allowance because he makes your Mum happy.

I think at 84 it's understandable she won't be up to buying gifts, but if she wants to give you money say thanks.

My gosh - I’m repeating myself - sorry. Did not read my post properly

In my opinion, your Mum’s other half., is rather ‘tight’. He should bring something . He seems really ‘tight’. If I’m invited anywhere for lunch/dinner, I always take a bottle of wine.
I’m a few years younger than your mum, and I too give money to my family. I’m a few years younger than your mum but I get tired, traipsing through shops - shopping is exhausting as we get older. Money is the best option - the parents know what to buy. The gifts are brought to me and I spend hours wrapping them. That is tiring in itself 😂

I’m 77 and for the last few years have stayed with one of my DDs for Christmas. I’ve always contributed in some way or other. Last year and this I’ve bought Advent calendars for every one, adults and children, also expensive chocolates and a selection of cheeses from a good shop. Will give the adults vouchers but if they ask for actual gifts I’ll get them! Will also contribute to the general food account!
I’d hate anyone to think I was sponging! I’ll buy the grandchildren presents of course!

I would just be jolly glad that she has a partner and therefore presumably doesn't need your help and support very much..

Ps I'd never think of serving up dinners on plates if people were coming to our house for a meal.
I'm surprised that anyone would do that.

The only time I've done that is when the DC were young and it was just us and they used to try to avoid vegetables.

Oreo

Allira

Your son-in-law's mother was presumably just telling you that she needed small portions.

Doesn't everyone put dishes of food in the centre of the table anyway, so everyone can help themselves?

Oh come on, that’s an elite thing to do, I bet your kids went to Eton and Oxford, you have an enormous house and always have a tablecloth and expect visitors to use knives and forks?
#yesthisisajokebtw
😁

You must know me 😂

Allira

^Your son-in-law's mother was presumably just telling you that she needed small portions^.

Doesn't everyone put dishes of food in the centre of the table anyway, so everyone can help themselves?

Oh come on, that’s an elite thing to do, I bet your kids went to Eton and Oxford, you have an enormous house and always have a tablecloth and expect visitors to use knives and forks?
#yesthisisajokebtw
😁

As above again.

Your Mum is 84 for goodness sake. I’m far younger, but giving my DDs money to buy for my DGSs - so they get the right thing first time! Maybe you see her as a young 84, but 84 is 84.

Come on - it’s once a year - the season of goodwill, etc.

As above.
It's a time for being charitable, and giving.

Having to say “ I am not inviting you because you do not bring anything nor do you like shopping for gifts” is not going to be an option.

If you like their company invite them and accept the way they are or don't invite them without giving a reason.

Come on, it is only once a year. Neither of them will change now, and your mum does give you money for a present.
Merry Christmas.

Your son-in-law's mother was presumably just telling you that she needed small portions.

Doesn't everyone put dishes of food in the centre of the table anyway, so everyone can help themselves?

My mother-in-law doesn't do much shopping these days. She will get something if she knows exactly what, and where from, but mostly it's cash into bank accounts.

The men in the family are all getting a bottle of wine for Christmas this year. I know this as I ordered 9 bottles with her last week!

*

Primrose53 I don't think the two vomiting emojis was very kind. Your son-in-law's mother was presumably just telling you that she needed small portions. People need reminding sometimes even when they know.

I say this as my mother had cancer and had half of her stomach removed. It gave her another six (or so) good years of fulfilled life - but she was regularly faced with "small" portions that were actually way too big. Often this was with well meaning friends or even with me or my dad.

At home she would say "just take half of that off please" but you don't always want to upset a non-family host, especially at special occasions such as Christmas when they have generously included you in their family celebrations.

Unfortunately too much food on my mum's plate sadly made her feel sick. I'm sorry you felt sick thinking about a "butchered stomach" and it so upset your meal. At least it's not a regular occurance.

I'm saying this not to be rude but just to explain the situation of someone who has lost, through surgery, the ability to even face quite small portions. Some days my mother ate like a bird. She was wary of managing multiple courses too.

She’s 84!! She might not be around for many more years. No doubt she gave you many Christmas dinners as I did my family. I used to travel all over to get presents for everyone but I can’t do that so much these days. We give money to my daughter as she buys a certain list of cosmetics which she wants and it is now easier for her to get. I give money plus a gift to the grown up grandchildren etc etc. I now look on Amazon for some gifts. I am 83 and my energy levels have depleted. I do what I can and thank goodness my family now help me out with bits and pieces that we need getting. Your mother has a partner and she is not going to have Christmas without him.it might be annoying but resentment will spoil your Christmas and it is only one day.

It sounds as though you dislike your Mums OH, but he is her partner, why would he bring you a separate gift?

You could ask your Mum to contribute to the meal, but she’s 84!!

This year I’m only giving 2 very small gifts for everyone and we are giving them money to spend in the sales.
I can’t get out to buy presents and I don’t know that I would buy the right things.

I appreciate money rather than stuff I had to take back, or put in a drawer and never used.

When my Mum got older she always asked me to buy for everyone on her behalf so that she wouldn’t get the wrong things. So I think you are being a tad unreasonable, things change as we all age.

My DM had a late life love, a really delightful man, devastated when she died first. But he wasn't a present-giver although he used to stay with us afterwards quite often.
We were just glad that he had made her last eight years so happy.
My DM had stopped buying presents but she did give us bits of her jewellery, pictures and ornaments from her home, which I was happy to have, also money sometimes.

Just don't exchange gifts. It makes Christmas a lot easier! As the years go by, several of my family and friends have said "shall we agree not to do it?!" and it's always met with relief from me as I absolutely HATE shopping - and wrapping is a pain in the neck (literally)

There's nothing we want or need. It seems like a pointless and stressful exercise, so much better to enjoy a roast dinner with family.