Mother won't make a effort

It would be good manners for your Mum’s SO to bring you flowers or wine but not everyone is socially aware.
Ask your Mum to get you a voucher from your fave shops in future, easy for her to do but a bit nicer than her handing you the money and she also chooses the amount given.

Don't invite them this year

Some people are like that and don't reciprocate. If it's only once a year I wouldn't be too concerned. For your Mum's sake, just grin and bear it. As for your Mum, I wouldn't worry about the presents either. Just don't get her anything or just get something small. Don't buy yourself anything "from her". You will probably never get the money back in any case. You will never change people. Don't bother trying as you could end up falling out. Best to keep quiet (and seethe inwardly!).

To be honest Mum handing over the cash wouldnt be a problem as it means you get to choose something you absolutely want and the right size!!
But I would be saying that SO can bring the wine(?) and it should be a nice red and you will need x number of bottles for the table. And you would appreciate her bringing some nice chocolates too.
If you dont set boundaries, you cant complain...

Re the food I would do just that tell what you need to complete the meal e.g. Mum could you bring the wine/pudding/crackers this year. Some people need to be asked directly they don't think if it for themselves.

After accepting it for 5 years they probably think it’s acceptable to you.
‘Looking forward to seeing you mum could you and xx please bring xx, that would be great’

If you invite people, I agree it is good manners for them to bring a small gift, but unless when you issue an invitation you make it clear that you cannot afford to provide all the food and drink, I don' t think you can reasonably ask them to contribute.

Frankly, a lot of elderly people cannot be bothered shopping for presents - if your mother pays, then I would grin and bear it rather than risk rocking the boat.

It could be worse, my mother in her old age changed from being the most generous person on earth as far as giving presents was concerned and suddenly started giving us something we neither needed or wanted from the pound shop. I would greatly have preferred her to hand over however much or little money she felt she could afford.

If you can afford and want to give them a nice Christmas meal each year, why do you need anything in return? I wouldn't expect my mum to bring anything (not that she could as she's dead but I wouldn't expect it anyway). Your mum might not be around for much longer.

If you can't afford it or don't want to do it, then don't.

I think this is about you resenting the boyfriend (which you're perfectly entitled to do) more than anything.

WARNING: Total bah humbug mood: wine and crackers are hardly essential. Ditto chocolates.

One year on Christmas Eve my DIL informed me her mother would be coming up for Christmas after all. She had changed her mind. She was to stay at our house for 3 nights. She didn't bring a bottle of wine, chocolates, nothing. I rushed to M and S an got her some lovely pj's. I know you shouldn't expect, but a gesture would have been nice. lol!

When my mum was 84 I would have loved her to come for Christmas dinner, and not expect anything in return. Make the most of the Christmasses you have left.

Although she never had a boyfriend, but I've known people like this. It's Christmas, the season of giving and sharing so I would just relax and maybe buy him a joke present like a piggy bank so he can save up and make a contribution next year! Then sit down and watch A Christmas Carol together and make comments about how Scrooge was right all along!

It is also your Christmas too so cook stuff you want and drink plenty of wine- worked for me!

I think giving money is fine, that's what we'll be doing this year, so they can all choose what they want, plus a little gift each to open on Christmas Day.

We'll take the puddings, wine, chocolates, anything else we think they might need. That's the least someone can do if someone else is cooking the dinner.

It makes me laugh when an 84 year old's manfriend is described as a boyfriend. 😁
I know it's the usual term but they're not boys!

wine and crackers are hardly essential. Ditto chocolates.

😯 Bah humbug!
🍷🍫🎉

By not asking this chap to contribute, in many ways you are encouraging his ‘tightness’. I understand asking him to contribute in some way might be awkward, but he obviously doesn’t have a conscience about taking each Christmas, this might be the year a suggestion is made, especially as his behaviour rankles.

Maybe in years gone by he hosted Xmas dinner for others and never expected anything.

Last year we invited my daughter’s partner’s Mum. As always we have a splendid (if I say so myself!) lunch, the room is always very festive and warm and welcoming. We bought her some pricey chocolates, as did my son. She gave us some things like post it notes.

I started serving up and she said “I’ve only got half a stomach so don’t give me too much”. Well I already knew that but for the rest of the meal this vision of a butchered stomach stayed with me. 🤮🤮

We have laughed about this many times over the year and I think that’s how you have to look at things like people coming empty handed.

I think after five years it is a bit late to complain, but put differently, you could ask him to bring something specific.
But if I am invited for a meal, I don’t think that is sponging off the hosts.
As for money instead of presents, surely that means you can buy something you want, rather than be landed with things you neither want nor need.
Neither I nor my son and his wife need anything, and if we want something we would rather choose it ourselves.

Just don't exchange gifts. It makes Christmas a lot easier! As the years go by, several of my family and friends have said "shall we agree not to do it?!" and it's always met with relief from me as I absolutely HATE shopping - and wrapping is a pain in the neck (literally)

There's nothing we want or need. It seems like a pointless and stressful exercise, so much better to enjoy a roast dinner with family.

My DM had a late life love, a really delightful man, devastated when she died first. But he wasn't a present-giver although he used to stay with us afterwards quite often.
We were just glad that he had made her last eight years so happy.
My DM had stopped buying presents but she did give us bits of her jewellery, pictures and ornaments from her home, which I was happy to have, also money sometimes.

It sounds as though you dislike your Mums OH, but he is her partner, why would he bring you a separate gift?

You could ask your Mum to contribute to the meal, but she’s 84!!

This year I’m only giving 2 very small gifts for everyone and we are giving them money to spend in the sales.
I can’t get out to buy presents and I don’t know that I would buy the right things.

I appreciate money rather than stuff I had to take back, or put in a drawer and never used.

When my Mum got older she always asked me to buy for everyone on her behalf so that she wouldn’t get the wrong things. So I think you are being a tad unreasonable, things change as we all age.

She’s 84!! She might not be around for many more years. No doubt she gave you many Christmas dinners as I did my family. I used to travel all over to get presents for everyone but I can’t do that so much these days. We give money to my daughter as she buys a certain list of cosmetics which she wants and it is now easier for her to get. I give money plus a gift to the grown up grandchildren etc etc. I now look on Amazon for some gifts. I am 83 and my energy levels have depleted. I do what I can and thank goodness my family now help me out with bits and pieces that we need getting. Your mother has a partner and she is not going to have Christmas without him.it might be annoying but resentment will spoil your Christmas and it is only one day.

My mother-in-law doesn't do much shopping these days. She will get something if she knows exactly what, and where from, but mostly it's cash into bank accounts.

The men in the family are all getting a bottle of wine for Christmas this year. I know this as I ordered 9 bottles with her last week!

*

Primrose53 I don't think the two vomiting emojis was very kind. Your son-in-law's mother was presumably just telling you that she needed small portions. People need reminding sometimes even when they know.

I say this as my mother had cancer and had half of her stomach removed. It gave her another six (or so) good years of fulfilled life - but she was regularly faced with "small" portions that were actually way too big. Often this was with well meaning friends or even with me or my dad.

At home she would say "just take half of that off please" but you don't always want to upset a non-family host, especially at special occasions such as Christmas when they have generously included you in their family celebrations.

Unfortunately too much food on my mum's plate sadly made her feel sick. I'm sorry you felt sick thinking about a "butchered stomach" and it so upset your meal. At least it's not a regular occurance.

I'm saying this not to be rude but just to explain the situation of someone who has lost, through surgery, the ability to even face quite small portions. Some days my mother ate like a bird. She was wary of managing multiple courses too.

Your son-in-law's mother was presumably just telling you that she needed small portions.

Doesn't everyone put dishes of food in the centre of the table anyway, so everyone can help themselves?

Come on, it is only once a year. Neither of them will change now, and your mum does give you money for a present.
Merry Christmas.

Having to say “ I am not inviting you because you do not bring anything nor do you like shopping for gifts” is not going to be an option.

If you like their company invite them and accept the way they are or don't invite them without giving a reason.

As above.
It's a time for being charitable, and giving.