Step grandparent taken for granted or ignored

Why is this thread entitled 'step grandparent taken for granted, when there is no mention of grandchildren?
I don't understand why these adult children are so rude to you when it was their mother who left the marriage. It seems it is your husband who wants to maintain the relationship, such as it is, with his children, and he does all the preparation I think you have to accept it.
Their behaviour is not going to change now, and should you point out how rude they are it is your husband who will be hurt. They must be pretty poor types to take all the hospitality offered if they so clearly despise you, and I would certainly try and persuade your husband to make less effort for Christmas and spend less money on his ungrateful offspring.
But i don't know what else you can do.

And yes, he's a very good man in so many ways. I should have said that from the onset. Thank you!

Thank you, thank you to all! I appreciate your thoughts. I will take them to heart and plan to have holidays that make me happy regardless of others. Blessings for you all!

Do just that - it's him they think they can easily manipulate, not you. He is undoubtedly a thoroughly good man who doesn't see that he is being made a fool of and has struggled to put a stop to it.
But he (and you) deserve so much better, and sadly this will run and run as long as he allows it.
Good luck to you both and enjoy more happy times together!

Thank you for your thoughts Grandmafrench. Would it be crazy if I had him read this? Hopefully it would encourage him to engage in a conservation with me rather than be silent or tell me "to just let it all slide"? Indeed 28 years has taken much out me.

Your husband needs to stop. He is enabling their disrespect to him and to you.

I feel that I am feeling sorry for myself because I can't on my own fix any of this. I know I am easy to get along with and plan fun events for everyone including expensive dinners out for the adults. But again, upon leaving, no thanks or recognition for me but sometimes for my husband. I did quite well in my career but I'm thinking possibly they are under the assumption (wrongly so) my husband brought all the money to the relationship. Actually now I do plan holidays away for the 2 us -- including Father's Day which is not recognized. I wish I could say I was making this up but now that my husband is getting quite elderly (10 years older) and my stamina not what it once was, I'd love for some change.

Your post makes me sad and mad in equal measure. You say that his 3 children AND their spouses don't respect you both.
Yet, after all this time, and the fact that they may be his 'children' but are middle-aged adults and should have lives, Christmases and all the attendant preparations for that, of their own, he clearly doesn't see that their destructive behaviour still has him where they want him. They may even be keeping in touch whilst treating him so badly only because they wouldn't want to miss out on an inheritance in future. He's allowed them to disrespect him for the longest of times and you have suffered accordingly. Extraordinary. Surely you are both worth much more than that.

Why would you, either of you, wish to still be involved with a very bitter ex-Wife - and 3 offspring who have never been taught how to behave and who clearly have lots of growing up still to do, to the extent that Christmastime, which you love, is spoiled?

Your DH made his choice a long time ago, the marriage ended, he married you, he clearly has tried very hard to make life as comfortable as possible for the parties involved, but there seems to be some entertainment still to be had in bad-mouthing you and him and showing contempt for all your efforts and who you are. Why on earth is he wasting a moment and enabling such bad behaviour?

If your DH can't see all the harm and leave them to their own devices - especially at Christmas, and plan your own arrangements, maybe just sending presents, for which you will possibly not be thanked - then why not have your own Christmas together or with friends or other relatives and suggest that if he wants to see them, he alone can arrange to see them for a meal out somewhere, but pre-Christmas or New Year, or just for a drink. If he loves you, he should understand that enough is enough and his weakness and tolerance of bad behaviour for so long should not be impacting on you when you tell him that you're not tolerating it any longer.

They've had their 'fun', In your position, I'd be putting down my foot very firmly now and ensuring that our lives came first, our arrangements and friends and interests took priority over anything else. Nothing to lose and everything to gain.

But why is it ok for these adults to disrespect their father?

Do you have children of your own you could both spend Christmas with?
If not, book yourselves a nice holiday somewhere that week and leave them to it 🎄
Life's too short!

It is very sad if this has been going on for twenty eight years I doubt I could have put up with it for that long. It is awful to have hurt so much for all these years. What to do? I don't have an answer to that it really is more about what you want to do. Do you want to continue your life like this, how do you feel that you can get them to show you respect? Lots of questions for you and your Husband to ask each other
and to then discuss with his Children. The problem will not go away without being addressed. Hope you find a way forward.

No we didn't have an affair. She had an affair which caused the divorce. Although we've tried to include her in events for the sake of the children, she has been quite rude but I thought her kids might see this. One of the step-daughers in law and her have been very close and she too has been especially verbally abusive. I am a retired corporate employee and have never had to deal with such behavior. I dont want to be the wicked stepmother so now I just introduce myself as my husband's wife. I love Christmas time and every year this dampens my spirits.

I agree with Elowen33

Your husband should have spoken to them about this before now, get him to say how much it upsets you. I could understand if they were children but as adults it is just plain rude.

Is their mother alive?
Is she badmouthing you?
Did you and your husband have an affair?