Step grandparent taken for granted or ignored

Is their mother alive?
Is she badmouthing you?
Did you and your husband have an affair?

Your husband should have spoken to them about this before now, get him to say how much it upsets you. I could understand if they were children but as adults it is just plain rude.

I agree with Elowen33

No we didn't have an affair. She had an affair which caused the divorce. Although we've tried to include her in events for the sake of the children, she has been quite rude but I thought her kids might see this. One of the step-daughers in law and her have been very close and she too has been especially verbally abusive. I am a retired corporate employee and have never had to deal with such behavior. I dont want to be the wicked stepmother so now I just introduce myself as my husband's wife. I love Christmas time and every year this dampens my spirits.

It is very sad if this has been going on for twenty eight years I doubt I could have put up with it for that long. It is awful to have hurt so much for all these years. What to do? I don't have an answer to that it really is more about what you want to do. Do you want to continue your life like this, how do you feel that you can get them to show you respect? Lots of questions for you and your Husband to ask each other
and to then discuss with his Children. The problem will not go away without being addressed. Hope you find a way forward.

But why is it ok for these adults to disrespect their father?

Do you have children of your own you could both spend Christmas with?
If not, book yourselves a nice holiday somewhere that week and leave them to it 🎄
Life's too short!

Your post makes me sad and mad in equal measure. You say that his 3 children AND their spouses don't respect you both.
Yet, after all this time, and the fact that they may be his 'children' but are middle-aged adults and should have lives, Christmases and all the attendant preparations for that, of their own, he clearly doesn't see that their destructive behaviour still has him where they want him. They may even be keeping in touch whilst treating him so badly only because they wouldn't want to miss out on an inheritance in future. He's allowed them to disrespect him for the longest of times and you have suffered accordingly. Extraordinary. Surely you are both worth much more than that.

Why would you, either of you, wish to still be involved with a very bitter ex-Wife - and 3 offspring who have never been taught how to behave and who clearly have lots of growing up still to do, to the extent that Christmastime, which you love, is spoiled?

Your DH made his choice a long time ago, the marriage ended, he married you, he clearly has tried very hard to make life as comfortable as possible for the parties involved, but there seems to be some entertainment still to be had in bad-mouthing you and him and showing contempt for all your efforts and who you are. Why on earth is he wasting a moment and enabling such bad behaviour?

If your DH can't see all the harm and leave them to their own devices - especially at Christmas, and plan your own arrangements, maybe just sending presents, for which you will possibly not be thanked - then why not have your own Christmas together or with friends or other relatives and suggest that if he wants to see them, he alone can arrange to see them for a meal out somewhere, but pre-Christmas or New Year, or just for a drink. If he loves you, he should understand that enough is enough and his weakness and tolerance of bad behaviour for so long should not be impacting on you when you tell him that you're not tolerating it any longer.

They've had their 'fun', In your position, I'd be putting down my foot very firmly now and ensuring that our lives came first, our arrangements and friends and interests took priority over anything else. Nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I feel that I am feeling sorry for myself because I can't on my own fix any of this. I know I am easy to get along with and plan fun events for everyone including expensive dinners out for the adults. But again, upon leaving, no thanks or recognition for me but sometimes for my husband. I did quite well in my career but I'm thinking possibly they are under the assumption (wrongly so) my husband brought all the money to the relationship. Actually now I do plan holidays away for the 2 us -- including Father's Day which is not recognized. I wish I could say I was making this up but now that my husband is getting quite elderly (10 years older) and my stamina not what it once was, I'd love for some change.

Your husband needs to stop. He is enabling their disrespect to him and to you.

Thank you for your thoughts Grandmafrench. Would it be crazy if I had him read this? Hopefully it would encourage him to engage in a conservation with me rather than be silent or tell me "to just let it all slide"? Indeed 28 years has taken much out me.

Do just that - it's him they think they can easily manipulate, not you. He is undoubtedly a thoroughly good man who doesn't see that he is being made a fool of and has struggled to put a stop to it.
But he (and you) deserve so much better, and sadly this will run and run as long as he allows it.
Good luck to you both and enjoy more happy times together!

Thank you, thank you to all! I appreciate your thoughts. I will take them to heart and plan to have holidays that make me happy regardless of others. Blessings for you all!

And yes, he's a very good man in so many ways. I should have said that from the onset. Thank you!

Why is this thread entitled 'step grandparent taken for granted, when there is no mention of grandchildren?
I don't understand why these adult children are so rude to you when it was their mother who left the marriage. It seems it is your husband who wants to maintain the relationship, such as it is, with his children, and he does all the preparation I think you have to accept it.
Their behaviour is not going to change now, and should you point out how rude they are it is your husband who will be hurt. They must be pretty poor types to take all the hospitality offered if they so clearly despise you, and I would certainly try and persuade your husband to make less effort for Christmas and spend less money on his ungrateful offspring.
But i don't know what else you can do.

It is a very sad situation.
Their mum is the one who disrespected their dad. [for all I know, he may have had multiple ones himself before that] but |I can do no more than take this all at face value.

Your first sentence says that the kids do not respect their dad either.
Sad all round.

My opinion[and I could be wrong] is that you and your husband cannot make the kids give respect[were they spoilt as children?].
It is up to you and your DH how you proceed now.
Apart from praying[or ask someone to] if you are Christians, you may have to quietly accept the situation . And act accordingly.

Husband problem!

He would celebrate Xmas with his kids w/o me - beginning of December or mid January.

He does not pick those main Xmas days to spend them with you? Red flag then

2Understand

My husband and I have been married for 28 years yet his 3 children and their spouses do not respect us. I now cringe about Christmas gifting as I know I will not be thanked and no reciprocation. It's as my husband does all the shopping, wrapping, meal preparation, etc. and I am very hurt. My husband says he thinks they don't want to disrespect their mother. They are all in their upper 40's. What to do?

If they neither thank y ou for presents or reciprocate. just stop buying/wrapping/ sending presents.

Just say " From now on. rather than sending or receiving family gifts at Christmas, I will be making a dontaion to charity".

Just say " From now on. rather than sending or receiving family gifts at Christmas, I will be making a dontaion to charity".

One year my son did this through Oxfam, and we all got a fridge magnet picturing what had been donated on our behalf.

My daughter's was trees, mine was colourful condoms for a family planning clinic in Africa 🙂

I have been married to my second husband for 30 years my children are in their late 40s and they think the world of him, they are also close to their father and when there is a family occasion my husband and my ex always chat,because we are all
Adults.
These stepchildren of yours sound spoilt and with them being adults you shouldn’t put up with it.
I wouldn’t buy them presents just buy for their children if they have any, and I definitely wouldn’t host Christmas for them like someone else said you and hubby go away and have the Christmas you want.

This is simply poor behaviour on the part of your stepchildren.
My ex husband left me to marry another woman . Any gifts to my children from them both were acknowledged and thanked- for, and this is now continued to the grandchildren.
I do not see this as disrespectful to me, rather that it shows that I have raised them to be courteous and responsible people - so to my credit, then !
Definitely donations to charity this year.
My fridge abounds with magnets telling of my children, as gifts to me, purchasing schoolbooks, a kit for a midwife, a goat ( of course) and so on. It's a very proud fridge..

I am sorry that you been been treated so badly for all those years, you are better than me, I would have given up a very long time ago. You say you love Christmas but for all these years you have put up with it being spoiled by these people. I would STOP now, no explanation or apologies nothing let them think what they want,it can't be any worse that what they think of you now. If your DH wants to take them out for a meal or buy gifts he may, but I would make sure you are arrange something to do with friends that day. Please stop making yourself a doormat for these people. Put your and yes he DH feelings first and book yourselves a nice holiday for this year and enjoy it without it being spoiled by others.

You need to stop gifting. Tell them on 1st September that ‘since we all have so much and there are so many problems in the world we are donating to…’. Pick an interesting charity and they’ll get a voucher. Go away at Christmas. We’ve done that to Paris and Santiago in the past. Both wonderful and relaxing with way less hype. They’re treating you like a doormat!

I went through about 15 years of a very similar problem. Almost identical circumstances but 2 not 3 adult children. My husband lost his temper about the whole situation after his daughters wedding which was utterly miserable for both of us. Wrote a letter saying he saw no point in bothering any more. Massive response, tearful enraged emails going on for pages. Eventually he did the thing he'd always been asked by his ex wife not to do and went through the real history of the break up - he is not overtly emotional or self revealing so this was a real departure. No direct response about all those issues but face to face meetings arranged. Absolutely exhausting and lengthy with great nerves on all sides. It turned out that lots of things had been misunderstood ie I was supposed to have been isolating him away from them when he was the one who preferred me to be with him when we met and I had to push him hard to get him to see them alone. The ancient history was not greatly dug up and we could see their loyalty to their mother would not allow for that. Both meetings seemed to end without obvious change but there were some ooh I didn't get that moments on both sides. Something shifted, we all carried on and they are now respectful thoughtful and sometimes even loving
We have now been married 29 years. It's a long old game.

I haven't really addressed your points problem but do genuinely sympathise. I would go for all out unilateral action. What is needed is honesty at all costs. They are making you play a game of dishonesty and you need to break that before you decide what to do. They may have thought you don't notice the disrespect. They've got used to it.