Step grandparent taken for granted or ignored

2Understand I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost your dear husband.

Hopefully you can leave the bitter memories of his children behind and let your own loving family be your future now.
Peace to you xx

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and I hope you can enjoy the forthcoming Christmas with your daughter and grandchildren and enjoy happy memories of your time with your husband.

Christmas can be a time of great family time but also lonliness as some of us have experienced. I need to clarify something now. I just lost my husband the end of October and now I just often want to be alone as I cant always keep my composure in check. While I dont worry about him backing me, given it has been his children that have ignored me, I no longer feel compelled to do all that I've done for them in previous years as they are truly not my family. I have my daughter, grandkids and great-grandkids and that's ll I need. Bless all for a beautiful holiday.

Did you mean to say in your opening post:

It's as IF my husband does all the shopping, wrapping, meal preparation, etc. and I am very hurt.

If that is the case and you have done all the preparation and are studiously ignored I would have exploded long ago.

Do not do another thing for them; tell your husband you are writing to them to explain you have decided it is all a pretence and there is no point in continuing, and wish them well. No acrimonious comments as this will distress your 82 year old husband.
Should he decide he will see them on his own at Christmas however, I would have sharp words to say, and make it very clear that is not acceptable. He has allowed them to insult you for far too long.

I really hope this works for you 2Understand and that you have a happy and peaceful Christmas this year. I think you are doing the right thing and I hope your husband backs you up.

“Just say " From now on. rather than sending or receiving family gifts at Christmas, I will be making a dontaion to charity".” I would even use the donation as an excuse…..I’d simply tell them “no more gifts, no more invites “!

That's what I am doing this year. Donations to charities where there will be much more appreciation and happiness for us.

Sarahr, I feel like an outsider although I've tried all I could think of to be accepted. But now I'm less willing to put the effort into it and wish my husband could understand why. After reading all the comments I plan to exclude them from my life as it will feel less stressful and I hope to feel my self-worth coming back.

I don't think there is a clear answer. My stepchildren ignore me, never acknowledge gifts etc, never wish me Happy Birthday/Christmas etc although they never forget their father. I now have step grandchildren who I'm not allowed to cuddle or play with, but my DH is. He has noticed but doesn't know what to do about it.
I had in-laws who behaved the same way as your and my stepchildren so have had plenty of practice of trying to put on a brave face.

Oh my- this rang so many bells from my previous relationship. We werent married but had lived together eight years.
He was a doormat to his family and liked it that way.
I was gaslighted and became so ground down by it all.
In the end I decided to get out, with no regrets. He didn't even try to contact me.
I can imagine the conversations he had bad mouthing me to his kids, I couldn't compete.
After all this time it is very sad but shows that nothing I would have done would have changed anything.
I hope that he listens to you and gets his priorities right very soon.

Smileless2012

Your husband needs to stop. He is enabling their disrespect to him and to you.

Absolutely!
HE needs to have a word and say that their lack of gratitude, politeness has taken its toll and time to end. Then, if you wish, presents only for the grandchildren, or not at all.

Do make sure that the spouses are aware that the marriage ended before you and because of ex. They may not and thus they enable.

Do events only for your family and friends. Certainly you are both enabling this by including the ex at all.

And I've just read your last. Shocked about divorce idea - it never felt that bad to me. How utterly miserable for you. But tell them how much its hurting you all if you can. We were careful not to insist it was all their fault as we didn't want too much defensiveness but all that may seem too difficult. Maybe start off by writing a letter on your own behalf same one to all of them
See what happens. Summon up your courage, things can't really get much worse.

I think I meant I would NOT go for all out unilateral action. I would move heaven and earth to have an honest conversation first. If your husband won't or can't face it then do it on your own. No shouting but a lot of listening. But make your points.

Passiflora you described much of what's going on here except the part where DH addresses the problem. He says they may feel they are being disloyal to their mother and we should just overlook everything. At the same time it has been obvious to me, and to him as well, there is competition between he and his ExW. He is now 82 and while I feel heartless making a fuss, it is difficult continuing. I hate to admit this but I have considered divorse as the only resolution. I should have done that years ago as it would be so much harder now. And I still love him just not his kids.

Stop trying to be nice.
Life is short. Make the most of it.
With people who appreciate you.
Sounds like you are trying to buy their respect or affection.
Expensive dinners. Gifts for adults.
Waste of time. And money.
Spend it on yourselves.
Have the best Xmas break ever.
Catered for. Waited upon.
Totally relaxing.
All the best.

I haven't really addressed your points problem but do genuinely sympathise. I would go for all out unilateral action. What is needed is honesty at all costs. They are making you play a game of dishonesty and you need to break that before you decide what to do. They may have thought you don't notice the disrespect. They've got used to it.

I went through about 15 years of a very similar problem. Almost identical circumstances but 2 not 3 adult children. My husband lost his temper about the whole situation after his daughters wedding which was utterly miserable for both of us. Wrote a letter saying he saw no point in bothering any more. Massive response, tearful enraged emails going on for pages. Eventually he did the thing he'd always been asked by his ex wife not to do and went through the real history of the break up - he is not overtly emotional or self revealing so this was a real departure. No direct response about all those issues but face to face meetings arranged. Absolutely exhausting and lengthy with great nerves on all sides. It turned out that lots of things had been misunderstood ie I was supposed to have been isolating him away from them when he was the one who preferred me to be with him when we met and I had to push him hard to get him to see them alone. The ancient history was not greatly dug up and we could see their loyalty to their mother would not allow for that. Both meetings seemed to end without obvious change but there were some ooh I didn't get that moments on both sides. Something shifted, we all carried on and they are now respectful thoughtful and sometimes even loving
We have now been married 29 years. It's a long old game.

You need to stop gifting. Tell them on 1st September that ‘since we all have so much and there are so many problems in the world we are donating to…’. Pick an interesting charity and they’ll get a voucher. Go away at Christmas. We’ve done that to Paris and Santiago in the past. Both wonderful and relaxing with way less hype. They’re treating you like a doormat!

I am sorry that you been been treated so badly for all those years, you are better than me, I would have given up a very long time ago. You say you love Christmas but for all these years you have put up with it being spoiled by these people. I would STOP now, no explanation or apologies nothing let them think what they want,it can't be any worse that what they think of you now. If your DH wants to take them out for a meal or buy gifts he may, but I would make sure you are arrange something to do with friends that day. Please stop making yourself a doormat for these people. Put your and yes he DH feelings first and book yourselves a nice holiday for this year and enjoy it without it being spoiled by others.

This is simply poor behaviour on the part of your stepchildren.
My ex husband left me to marry another woman . Any gifts to my children from them both were acknowledged and thanked- for, and this is now continued to the grandchildren.
I do not see this as disrespectful to me, rather that it shows that I have raised them to be courteous and responsible people - so to my credit, then !
Definitely donations to charity this year.
My fridge abounds with magnets telling of my children, as gifts to me, purchasing schoolbooks, a kit for a midwife, a goat ( of course) and so on. It's a very proud fridge..

I have been married to my second husband for 30 years my children are in their late 40s and they think the world of him, they are also close to their father and when there is a family occasion my husband and my ex always chat,because we are all
Adults.
These stepchildren of yours sound spoilt and with them being adults you shouldn’t put up with it.
I wouldn’t buy them presents just buy for their children if they have any, and I definitely wouldn’t host Christmas for them like someone else said you and hubby go away and have the Christmas you want.

Just say " From now on. rather than sending or receiving family gifts at Christmas, I will be making a dontaion to charity".

One year my son did this through Oxfam, and we all got a fridge magnet picturing what had been donated on our behalf.

My daughter's was trees, mine was colourful condoms for a family planning clinic in Africa 🙂

2Understand

My husband and I have been married for 28 years yet his 3 children and their spouses do not respect us. I now cringe about Christmas gifting as I know I will not be thanked and no reciprocation. It's as my husband does all the shopping, wrapping, meal preparation, etc. and I am very hurt. My husband says he thinks they don't want to disrespect their mother. They are all in their upper 40's. What to do?

If they neither thank y ou for presents or reciprocate. just stop buying/wrapping/ sending presents.

Just say " From now on. rather than sending or receiving family gifts at Christmas, I will be making a dontaion to charity".

Husband problem!

He would celebrate Xmas with his kids w/o me - beginning of December or mid January.

He does not pick those main Xmas days to spend them with you? Red flag then

It is a very sad situation.
Their mum is the one who disrespected their dad. [for all I know, he may have had multiple ones himself before that] but |I can do no more than take this all at face value.

Your first sentence says that the kids do not respect their dad either.
Sad all round.

My opinion[and I could be wrong] is that you and your husband cannot make the kids give respect[were they spoilt as children?].
It is up to you and your DH how you proceed now.
Apart from praying[or ask someone to] if you are Christians, you may have to quietly accept the situation . And act accordingly.