Gransnet forums


Farting Limburger Cheese Broccoli Onion & Garlic

(20 Posts)
rosecarmel Wed 01-Apr-20 21:49:50

Are you currently locked down in a house with someone who is taking up their space and yours? Spaces that you've cleaned again and again, until your knuckles bleed, because they can't get with the program and wash their hands? If so, I'm happy to tell you that you can wage your own war with a handful of items from your local grocery store-

Get yourself bunches of broccoli and cook it and eat it 7 days a week- You'll have an arsenal of gas by day 3 and plenty of fart ammo- Then strategically set out hidden stink bombs made from grated onion, garlic and limburger cheese in the rooms you don't want the enemy to conquer with their dang dirty hands-

Lastly, slip a clothes peg over your nose, kick up your feet and watch tv or read books until your knuckles heal up .. smile

BradfordLass73 Thu 02-Apr-20 03:26:35

Great idea but there hasn't been any broc in the shops for days now. I'm told you can buy a cauliflower for $7 if you are desperate but then I've never been that desperate for a Brassica.

As for cheese - mousetrap is what I buy but that's not available either. The mice are very upset.

Onions I have and minced garlic - fortunately, as I am totally alone (but for the disappointed mice) I can eat as much as I like and not exterminate anyone with the resulting wind from either end.

It's been many a long year since I could kick up anything other than a fuss and I've never owned a TV.

The library suspended all borrowing 8 days ago so no books either. sad

Were I locked down with the sort of person you mention, I'd very quickly be grinding soporifics into their Muesli and putting locks on all the doors to keep them away from me.

Otherwise I fear the Constabulary and I would be having Very Serious Words.

BlueBelle Thu 02-Apr-20 05:15:19

We can’t get brocalli here either bradford So it won’t work in UK and I m on my own too so no one to offend ?

Why have people cleared the shelves of broccoli ?

Pikachu Thu 02-Apr-20 06:05:56

Can get broccoli here but that must be very frustrating for you rosecarmel - pig-headed men go at the top of my murder list.

BradfordLass73 Thu 02-Apr-20 09:14:10

I'd like to bet that the very people who have cleared the shelves of broccoli are the ones who formerly wouldn't eat it even if Gran stood over them with a big stick grin

Grandmafrench Thu 02-Apr-20 09:22:03

As soon as I’ve wiped the tears of laughter from my eyes, I’m off to properly start my day. Keep making us laugh, please, look after the knuckles and the mice and KEEP SAFE flowers

Callistemon Thu 02-Apr-20 10:18:11

Apart from the Limburger cheese (never heard of it!) it sounds like our normal diet.

No wonder no-one is visiting us at the moment, it's not the lockdown at all grin

Callistemon Thu 02-Apr-20 10:20:26

Is Stinking Bishop a good alternative bearing in mind present shopping restrictions?

Chewbacca Thu 02-Apr-20 10:24:37

Not seen Stinking Bishop in the shops for ages Callistemon. Nice cheese too!

FarNorth Thu 02-Apr-20 10:33:16

Have you a shed for that unpleasant person to live in?

Failing that - great plan you've got there!

Callistemon Thu 02-Apr-20 10:33:32

We were delivered some broccoli this morning.

Purplepixie Thu 02-Apr-20 10:42:04

Thank you for the laugh, that is so funny. I am not a fan of broccoli so there is no love lost there. My son views everything that is green the enemy. DH is canny as he went out yesterday and got our weekly shop so I wouldn’t want to stink him out. Keep on with the laughs!

Namsnanny Thu 02-Apr-20 11:13:55

rosecarmel I think you're onto something there, but for quite another reason.

Early warning Covid19 system!

Anyone who can tolerate those living conditions must have lost their sense of smell!

Quick ring the Boris, no need to waste money on testing!! grin

BradfordLass73 Fri 03-Apr-20 05:37:39

I had a very dear lady ask me today if there was anything I wanted as she was going to the shop.

She shouted this at a distance of about 6 metres for which I was glad and she, no doubt, would have been gladder had she realised I'd just eaten raw garlic. (We get vampires round here)

She'd had to wait a few minutes for me to answer as I was in the loo when she first arrived and, as I came out, shouted at her, "Sorry, I was on the throne and I've just used the last of of the bathroom spray, so if you can get that, I'd be grateful.'

Even living by myself I prefer a deodorised toilet after a visit.

I added, as she trotted away, '...and if you see any toilet rolls....'

Sadly, I should have been more precise - she returned with one of those spray & wipe cleaners. No loo rolls.

Now, does she expect me to use Mr Muscle on my fundament, instead of toilet tissue?

I've heard that striking a match in the lavatory when you've made a smell is a good way of dealing with it.

I'll experiment.

Watch this space for news of an elderly New Zealander being rushed to hospital with singed derriere after inadvertently igniting Mr Muscle.

rosecarmel Sun 05-Apr-20 17:29:37

It's been nice and quiet- smile Stinks do force people keep a distance!

rosecarmel Sun 05-Apr-20 17:33:22

To keep .. smile

BradfordLass73 Mon 06-Apr-20 03:22:58

I suspect it's calm because the shops have been denuded of cabbage, cauli, broc, garlic and Limburger cheese.

I never see that word without thinking of Lamburger Gessler in William Tell smile

JackyB Mon 06-Apr-20 07:41:16

I think this is why broccoli is selling out

rosecarmel Mon 06-Apr-20 16:42:05


Callistemon Mon 06-Apr-20 19:21:22

Oh yes, I like my daily Joe Wicks fix [ grin]