When the time comes I’m not going into a Care Home

Houndi all credit to you for what you did, but please do not accuse anybody here is being materialistic or lacking in love.

By the way, my DDs all know that if I became so incapacitated that I cannot look after myself at home, then that is the home where I want to be looked after. I did not raise my children to find themselves as full-time unpaid carers for me. They are loving caring people and would make sure I had the best; but I want them out there enjoying their lives.

We should look after how elderly parents at home.They brought us into the world.We should give them love attention they need.Instead we are to concerned with materlisric goods to care.I gave up work for my mom and would do the same again none of my parent or in law went into a home.We looked after them me and my husband it called love

Whitewavemark2 - I think your post is a sweeping generalisation. I hear what you are saying about the petri dish, but not about the eugenics. Any place where a lot of people congregate has the potential to spread bugs, and always has: schools, cruise ships, hotels etc. Because care and nursing homes are peopled by the elderly then their capacity to result in deaths is greater.

I do think you need to be careful how you express yourself. There are very many people on this site who have loved ones in care homes; or indeed may be residents themselves.

My OH had end-stage PD, but I cared for him at home for many years, then, when he fell and fractured his hip, his condition took a nose dive. Even then I was able to keep him at home for about 8 months with a combination of carers, and even latterly live-in care. But they became unable to look after him because of his combination of physical helplessness and paranoia.

I carefully researched the best place for him to receive care and found a wonderful newly-built nursing home which had everything. He spent his last months surrounded by loving and sensitive care - I could not fault them in any way. All the family were there for several hours each day sharing in his care. When he became ill with pneumonia we made the choice for him to stay there in his lovely private room looking out onto the garden rather than go into hospital. I will be eternally grateful for the care, respect and kindness that was shown to him there. One of the carers, who looked about 12, would kneel by his bed to provide gentle respectful mouth care when he was on end-of-life care.

There are some rubbish homes; but there are good caring ones too, and it is insulting to those loving carers to imply that all are bad.

My mother used to always say when I was young that she would rather be dead than go into a home when she was old. It seemed perfectly reasonable. But guess what? She got to 79, developed severe dementia, and my poor old dad who was also in his 80s and in poor health just couldn't cope with her at home. She had carers call in twice a day to wash her, but that was about it. All day long she struggled to try to "escape" from the house, which she was sure was full of strangers plotting to harm her. She threw drinks and food across the room, was constantly distressed and doubly incontinent. In the night she got out of bed and wandered all over the house, used the corner of the bedroom carpet as a toilet.did all sorts of dangerous things, so my dad could never get any sleep. My husband and I had a very small house, no spare room, and worked, couldn't possibly have coped with her if we tried to look after her. In fact, we nearly went out of our minds running back and forth trying to help out with her multiple times a day. In the end there was no choice but a care home. She barely knew the difference when she was moved there, and we told her she was on holiday. Within a very short time she stopped recognising any of her close family and needed feeding by spoon. She did not even know we were there when we visited, just stared ahead and mumbled to herself. It was a terrible time, and truly a relief when a sudden stroke took her. My poor dear old mum. It was a situation she never would have wanted, but there was no choice, for any of us. And for the time she was there, she was well cared for. Now my husband and I are getting older, we have told each other and our daughter that if the time comes and one of us is in a bad way and it's impacting on the quality of our loved ones' lives, don't struggle too much or hesitate to get us into a (decent) care home.

As DH’s Parkinson’s progresses and he needs more and more support I worry about how I will cope. Neither of our children lives locally so there is only me to do everything and I do view the future with some dread. It’s easy to say you would never send a loved one into a care home, but there may genuinely be no alternative. It is physically and emotionally exhausting to be a sole carer; certainly the present situation with no social interaction is very hard. I just hope it is a decision I don’t have to make.

Not everyone who is in a care home is elderly, nor does everyone have the ‘capacity’ or ability to bring their relative home due to extensive care needs.
My husband is 60, he suffers from MS and dementia , incontinence, choking plus a number of other illnesses that prevent me from looking after him at home. I didn’t take the decision lightly for him to go in to care.
I had a battle to get him in to a ‘good’ care home some I wouldn’t have put a pig in to, he is now in a home for under 65s I would class his care as excellent. Not all homes are unhappy places.
Those of you who feel guilty for putting your relatives in to care I feel for you as I feel the same, and now I can’t see him in person I am heart broken. For those of you that do or have managed I take my hat off to you, I looked after my husband for over 20 years so I know what it entails.

My mother and maternal grandmother had dementia. Horrendous both physically capable very athletic however their mind was full of horrendous thoughts from dementia .
I have made my desire to go into a nursing home very very clear to my family. Neither mum nor nan were able to stay at home.
They both ended up quite violent and just horrible.
Nans nursing wasn't great . Mum's was. They were amazing to her and she was nasty and an escape artist. .
I know "with it" mum would have been so grateful to being in a home and not having to inflict herself on us
I understand your choice OP however for me I will go into care if necessary and my family it would be my much preferred choice

I am living alone and self isolated.. I thought this morning that if I go down with this virus, I will stay here and die alone
rather that than be carted off to a strange place, ie. hospital

all that worries me is my cat... but I have registered her with Cats Protection.

wonder if I would be brave enough to actually do that though, I tend to be a bit of a realist

It’s all very well to say that you won’t go into a nursing home, the last time my MIL went to hospital they refused to let her go home to anywhere but a nursing home, for her own safety, she has vascular dementia, in spite of my SIL going to her home several times a day, (usually because MIL refused to let the carers come within 5 feet of her: or she would get a phone call saying that her Mum needed her) finding when she arrived the mess all over the walls, there was no choice.
MIL doesn’t realise she isn’t in her own home, she thinks that the nursing home is her house and that she is kind enough to let all of these people live with her, although she thinks that they are all out to poison her. They are in lock down, but it’s doubtful that she misses any of us, she apparently enjoys her Art class, singing and watching old movies, she will speak on the phone, if it’s held for her, to my BIL and only him.
Sadly I’m not sure if we will ever see her again, but she is well cared for and isn’t alone with her nightmares.
She went, in around 3 months, from being a vibrant outgoing fashion conscious 90 yr old to being a confused, doubly incontinent old lady.
She would be mortified if she realised what was happening to her. Hopefully the sale of her home is still going through and we will have the money to pay for her continuing care.

My Aunt who died one year ago yesterday, remained at home, latterly with the help of carers 3x a day until we persuaded her that she needed a couple of weeks care in a care home. She wasn't keen but went and after a week decided she was going home, packed her bag and reorganised her carers, food & milk deliveries herself! She had a bit of a set back and decided to stay for the 2nd week at the end of which she decided she really was quite happy & comfortable so stayed for the next 5 weeks until she died, peacefully and comfortably, at the age of almost 104. The carers were all wonderful & couldn't have done more for her to make her final few weeks as easy as possible. The home was spotless and the care If I landed up in a home such as this in my dotage , I don’t think I’d be too unhappy - nor would my children ....

I looked at care homes when my mum was in hospital. There wasn't one I liked. The staff were trying, they obviously did their best, but the rooms were tiny, doors were left open so you could see people in bed, staffing levels were cut to the bone. Care homes now are just profit making machines for their owners and no matter how hard they try there is nothing the staff can do about it. I don't want to finish up in one.

I didn’t say “thoughtless and divisive” *Whitewave, I said thoughtless and dismissive - a very different thing..
Dismissing all care homes as analogous with the worst of a Eugenics philosophy or “Brave New World” disposal facility - what are you saying about and to those of us with partners or parents in residential care?
Hurtful does not come close - more like libellous.
Petri dishes - you might as well say the same about hospital A&E departments.
No, it’s your “I’m all right Jack” attitude which I take extreme exception to. As you later realised I made no assumptions or indeed reference to funding.
Keep your opinion about yourself but please do NOT tar all residential care with the same brush and make those who have had to make that difficult decision even more heartbreaking.

You were lucky WWM2, lucky that you were financially able to, ( and I trust you still paid your Mother’s careers when they had colds) lucky that you lived locally, lucky that it was what your Mother wanted and that she was not lonely. Many of the elderly and infirm are very lonely which can as much of a killer as infections.
Facts are hugely important, all care homes I have visited recently, and there are many, have appropriate PPE, staff do not wear it all the time as residents are often very scared when a masked person attends to them but that is their choice and I cannot praise them enough for putting residents first. As far as I can see, visiting care homes at all times of the day and night and being a very nosey person, they are mostly caring and supportive establishments and have improved massively over the past 10 years. Occasionally I will go into one that does not have high standards but it is a lot rarer than it was. Referring to the current situation as dystopian is, quite frankly, untrue and scary for those who have loved ones in care homes.
People do not die alone and untreated in care homes, but they do at home. Frequently families are unable to visit and certainly unable to stay with people. I would say that there as many people unhappy in their own homes despite caring and loving families as there are in care homes.
There are also many family members, mainly women, who are exhausted and who become ill themselves, as they try and adhere to their loved ones wishes to stay in their own homes.

My older sister had a severe stroke five years ago and the hospital would not release her to anything other than a nursing home. She can do nothing for herself. This is a very worrying time. But unless the OP is willing - and able - to commit suicide, there may be no alternative. None of us knows what the future holds for us.

There is only one member of my family who is happy, content, well fed and getting plenty of exercise. That is of course my DH who has no idea that he has advanced dementia and no worries, indeed no knowledge of the pandemic crisis. He is a wanderer, but free to walk in the totally enclosed gardens, always wearing his alarm button which the staff can use to locate him. The family can see and talk to him via skype, although he is not very interested, would rather be walking, dancing, drumming, watching TV or having a cuppa and a cake with his friends.

No cases in the Home (so far) Nurse Practitioner visits regularly, care staff routinely checking temperatures as part of daily routine. I did have a fleeting thought of bringing DH "home", but know I could not cope all by myself as he needs 24 hour supervision, is doubly incontinent, would need to be kept locked in. That is the reason he moved into a care home last year.

His Care Home is run by the LA. ALL the staff are highly qualified and they (even the kitchen assistants, cleaners,
laundry staff have in service training. I am pleased they have been granted a pay rose back dated to 1 April to bring them up to the living wage. They deserve far more.

Nor me if I can help it. I intend to be the batty old lady who got shopping in her pj, slippers and a hat. Who smiles at everyone and is happy. But you never know

I have in the lng distant past had experience of people receiving poor car ein care homes, but my more recent experience is of good care in good homes with good staff.

Staying at home does not guarantee a good standard of care, even when people live with their families. I worked as a volunteer Home visitor for Age Concern (as was) for 10 years. I saw families giving the most wonderful care, but I also came across elder abuse by family members, both physically and monetary. I saw people with the best of home care and I saw people left home who could not manage and were miserable, unhappy and copying with demeaning treatment. How would you like to spend your days with an uncovered commode next to you, while you were dressed but with out knickers on, because you could just about get from your chair to the commode and back again, but could not get knickers up and down or cover the commode or move any further?

I think at home or in care your chances of being happy and settled or miserable and unhappy are about equal.

You cannot make judgement of either form of care on your own experience alone. Over 10 years of visiting hundreds of clients, possibly 1,000, plus personal experience outwith my volunteer work. I saw the best and worst of both.

When / if the time comes I will have to move to England !

Then how come we were able to do it?

We had zero knowledge of the system prior to this.

Whitewave - my point about resources stands. We helped a friend get support because despite having run a successful business, he'd been unable to manoeuvre between district nurses, doctors and care assistants and was paying a small fortune every week. Knowledge of the systems helped and for the next two years of his wife's life he had respite and financial as well as practical support from the local authority.

But again with your letting them down remark. Where have I suggested that?

Look all I am saying is largely a couple of things.

That I would hate to go into a care home. Surely I’m allowed that preference?
And

At the moment I think what is happening is absolutely tragic, and dystopian. It fills me with horror.

I have made no comment on others choices neither would I. So please allow me my choice as I would yours.

Oh sorry iam that last post should be addressed to.

Hard to keep up.

maw again you are assuming that mum had the financial wherewithal. Absolutely not! Mum contributed a small amount every month, which was topped up by the SS.

That is not to say that we would not have done it if necessary, but mum retained her independence,

sorry x posted there with Maw, whitewave and cabbie