When the time comes I’m not going into a Care Home

Labaik. Thanks, that's a very kind and thoughtful thing to say. And absolutely right, of course!

If there is a time that I need care I would rather go into a care home.

I know my daughter would care for me but I do not want to put that burden on her.

Tilly I bet I am as crotchety?.

My son is just the same. I can see myself in him so much, but at the same time when he phones (now) it is nothing to be on the phone to him for 2 hours, with him letting off steam, about the environment, the government etc.
My daughter is entirely different and belongs to all sorts of clubs and loves socialising but not remotely interested in politics. Science is her forte.

Life would be very boring if we were all the same.

Used to visit care homes in job remit. I had a hard job trying to get staff to understand that THEY were actually being allowed into the older person's home not that the person being cared for was being allowed in! When a person moves to a care home it becomes their home. Yes, there are a lot of very caring people work in these establishments but, the need to make funds meet costs if voluntary/charitable organisation or if privately run the shareholders expect a return. That is where a lot of issues in relation to care arise. Local Authority run homes are horrendously costly to run by comparison to private etc not because of better standards but the cost of staff as LAs have to pay higher rates, pensions etc. My view in latter years was that care homes had become warehouses for older people. At times I feel medical science has become too clever for society.

I'll join you in the crotchety corner Whitewavemark2 when I visited care homes it was just before Easter and I'm sure all the staff were doing their best to stimulate and involve the residents but when I saw the egg trees, the Easter bonnets and all the other celebratory stuff I couldn'help thinking it is a bit like Primary school and I've spent my life working in that sector. I've no wish to go back to it.
I do wonder if we had a proper NHS and care system which was properly administered and funded would things be better? Is it made worse by the aim of most care homes to make profits for the owner? I know someone who has had a relative in 2 very expensive care homes and has now moved him to one run by a not-for-profit organisation, the care, the staff and everything else are much better.

I can only answer for the care home I work in but we have a weeks training on first aid,dementia,infection control,moving and handling,recording,nutrition,pressure sores,confidentiality,diversity,communication. Plus additional courses on end of life and refreshes. We have a trained nurse on every floor. If an emergency alarm bell goes all nurses attend. Anyone can choke but we also ensure food is appropriate level of softness to mitigate this and drinks thickened if necessary.

Tillybelle, my mother wasn’t very sociable, and was never a joiner-inner, but she was never pressured into joining in activities at her care home. They were often held away from the main sitting room area anyway, but I have to say that most residents seemed to enjoy them - activities were very varied, too.

One thing that did once make me mad, though not with the care home - the staff once told me very apologetically that she’d been taken to some activity she’d never have wanted to go to, and frankly was way past being able to enjoy or participate in anyway.
Why?
Because the CQC lot were doing an assessment, and anyone ‘just sitting’ would mean a black mark!
Never mind that ‘just sitting’, or perhaps wandering up and down, was all that anyone at my mother’s stage of dementia was capable of anyway.
I said that if it should ever happen again, please leave her in peace and refer the CQC bods to me!

From then on I’ve been very sceptical about CQC reports, if such tick-box assessments are the norm, and take little or no account of residents wishes or abilities.

Whitewavemark2 I have read about half of this thread - not enough time for all, sorry - and I think one of the problems is that your OP is not expressed as an opinion but as a statement of fact..

It is very hard. sometimes though there comes point where moving to a home can be a positive thing. I'm thinking about a very elderly gentleman I know, no close relations, lost his wife, who sadly had to go in a home after breaking her hip then dementia got worse. He has ended up in the hospital several times in the last year, his care visits increased to 4timesa day, and regular trips to the day centre. |Then his health deteriorated to the point where 4 visits were not enough once he came out of the hospital. He went to several homes for rehab etc, and is now in a lovely new one and I dropped in unannounced one day. He'd new glasses, new clothes, was well-groomed, looked so much better than he had been, his leg was better, basically, the carers didn't have time to sort out things like opticians, and how difficult it is when you can't see properly, they didn't have time to shave him and get him dressed and fed, no neglect, just no time, no one to make sure he had new clothes, his weren' t dirty, they helped with washing, just old and worn out, honestly, he is much better off there with the company all days if he wants it and create all times, no worrying well he fall and be there till the morning. A good home well-chosen can be good for people like him. Other neighbours have visited unannounced and had good impression. I've visited people at their home and being at home doesn't;r mean always that there is no smell. My poor dad at the end needed 24-hour care, happy to provide it but his health situation meant he was better off in a home with a nurse on-site, although the local district nurses were good. He was falling because of his heart problem, he needed more than like old me. It wasn't the best situation but neither was staying at home. In the end, he was there 10 days, this time when he had a funny turn he died in the ambulance. Looking back he'd had another one earlier in the year when he was in rehab after an injury, he was ok in the hospital that time. Had he not had someone check on him as they did throughout the night I believe we'd have lost him then>
I've no doubt some can be worse, and that sometimes people are better off at home, but I've seen with my parents' generation people who suffered at home too long and would have been happier had they found a nice one when not in a crisis. Even if family live locally one old man managed to fall after his son visited and was there ages, because he wouldn't have an alarm....I'd not want to see anyone in a home sooner than was right or they'd need of care, but sometimes home is right either and a home can be the better option .

my husband spent the last few years of his life in a care home.It wasn't what we wanted,but it became impossible for the care he needed to be set up at home.We got used to it,and still had some happy times together.He developed lung cancer on top of his other problems,which were to do with his mobility,he passed away 2 years ago.We have to remember that the staff work so hard,they are not that well paid.The staff were so good at the end of his life,they had a lot of very distressing things to do,I realised how fond they become of the residents.I think of all that care home staff are doing at the moment,they haven't had a crisis like this to deal with before.It must be heartbreaking to see the residents that they love being in this situation.

when my mum was in one after being in hospital she didn't want to eat communally or to go to activities, while the staff offered to take her she was not forced to go, she did go to one thing which she enjoyed though. When I visit I make sure I eat with her, which my brother doesn't, and I think she enjoys that
I'vealso seen my inlaws who both needed care, but didn't want to move near their children, they ended up getting live in help, MIL hated it, yes they were at home but they did not enjoy it, even when they had the house adapted. They would have been much better living up 20 mins from each son, they would have had more visits that were not basically firefighting crises happening and I'm sure would have been happier. Yes they wanted to be near friends but to be honest there were none left just acquaintances so, in the end, the reason to stay disappeared. MIL got what she wanted but was not happy, FIL did have to move into a home, got lots of visits and seemed happier

Very few people would actually choose to go into a care home. Let's face it, usually, it's a last resort and the people 'choosing' are family and social workers. They have little real choice.

Very few of us would want our family to care for us either. We'd want them to live their own lives, not sacrifice them to care for us. The cost of carers at home, especially 24 hr, is unaffordable for most.

I'd never criticise the care home staff either (although every barrel has a few rotten apples). Most are on minimum wage, even in luxury care, with basic training and a ridiculous workload. Many can hardly speak English. They do their best. We don't demand anything better.

Managers (in BUPA homes) are paid bonuses for saving money. Night staff ratios are inadequate, despite many elderly folk being wide awake at night.

There are no night inspections by CQC, few unannounced ones - and incredibly low standards to meet overall. A 'good' rating is very easy to maintain.

Visit any home after lunch, in the 'happy hour' of activities and entertainment. You'll see clean, tidy people in chairs looking engaged or relaxed.

You'll believe that they're well looked after, they're washed, dressed, fed etc. (apparently, these are the few 'activities of daily living' - merely existing) and be thankful that you only have to visit!

You'll ignore the fact that people don't survive long in homes, compared to those looked after at home. Their lives are cut short.

The care home sector is failing, though. They don't often make much profit. Many are closing or will close. The future is seen as care at home, hence the proposed changes to funding. You'll pay from your estate wherever you're looked after.

I wonder if most people experience a lot of guilt when elderly relatives need increasing levels of care either at home or if a decision is made for the loved one to go into residential care. There should be no need to justify that decision as I guess that decision whatever it is is made with the hope that it’s the best for all involved.
On a personal level I will definitely go into care if it ever becomes necessary. Somewhere close to my family so I can have plenty of visitors but enjoy some independence from them. A good care home will encourage residents to maintain their maximum level of independence whatever that may be.

Hilarybee masses of guilt, MIL should have gone into a nursing home a long time ago, but SIL waited until the Hospital said that she couldn’t go home, the ways things have gone we are all relieved that MIL isn’t at home alone now. But SIL and her family feel guilty that they couldn’t care for her, she turns her back on them when they visit and refuses to acknowledge them, tells me that there is a rift, at least she did before they were locked down, ironically she will only speak to her middle son and he is the one that signed all of the forms for the home, as SIL couldn’t bring herself to do it.

PS it has to be said that apart from the Dementia and all of the associated problems that it brings, physically MIL is very healthy and strong, she might not remember how to read, write, dress, go to the bathroom and do any of the personal care, but if she came at you , you would know it.

Oopsadaisy3
That’s so sad. Unfortunately those closest feel it most, even when it really is the best decision.

Even now, many years later, I've never managed to forgive myself for agreeing to have my Mum in a care home. She had lost the plot completely but I still live with the guilt even although she had recommended this route to me in her time of complete and hilarious sanity. I loved her so. However, I opted for putting the childrens' interests first. Under the circumstances, I still feel it was the lesser of two evil decisions but I still find it difficult to live with even after all these years.,

kim if I had children to care for I would have been forced to make exactly the same decision, and felt exactly as you feel, but what else could you have done?

Never ever feel guilty for putting your children first. Children are the future and deserve the best upbringing possible. How can anyone possibly do that with a mum with dementia in the house.

You are human not super woman.

* Whitewavemark2*
I have read them now.
I’m sorry, but I cannot get past your ‘character’ remark.

TATT oh well never mind just forget it. I’m sure you have better things to do.

My mum had dementia. I took the advice of social care and GP who advised she stay at home. She had a care package and carers who visited 3 times a day. They were dreadful to the point I had to raise a safeguarding and reported them to the CQC. They left my mum on the floor and long story short, she ended up in Hospital and then went into care. For the first time in a long time she was happy. She had other residents to talk to and the staff were lovely. The home was occasionally used as an over spill for NHS bed blockers and unfortunately a nasty chest infection was brought into the home. 5 of the residents died including my Mum. All I can say is she was cared for and looked after right to the end, although I do regret that they didn't call me on the night she died, so I wasn't with her. For myself I have mixed emotions about homes, but if I needed it and did not have capacity that would be another matter.

Surely it depends on the care home. My brother has downs syndrome and is in a care home. He can't look look after himself. He is happy, he knows the carers, before the lockdown they welcomed visitors any time and me and my siblings would tsknehim out for a drunk or lunch etc. Now he can't go out so carers are arranging activities
It's unfair to call all care homes petri dishes. Some people have no choice but to live in them

I guess they are petri dishes in the same way, as I said before, that schools, hotels, cruise ships etc. - a potential breeding ground for germs. But that does not stop people going to these places, any more than it should stop people going to good care homes.

My son's have told me not to worry when the time comes they will find me a good care home!
I told them sorry to disappoint you but I will be selling the house and moving to Spain! (pre Corona Virus).
I have also said they better find one that plays rock music because if they play Abba I will get up on my zimmer frame and wreck the music system!!!

We had to move my late mother three times before we found
a suitable residential home for her. I visited nearly every day and brought her home for a few hours occasionally. I could see they didn't live up to their claims of care but we had no alternative. They are very sad places for the physically disabled and do not offer much or any stimulous for the residents. We are now all aware of the dreadful situation these poor folk are in and can only hope they are treated with kindness and respect,