Can't do right for doing wrong

Do what you think is right for you
It’s upsetting to be at odds with our children, but sometimes they can be insufferable can’t they?

What truly horrible children. Your choice to manage your life as you see fit, their choice to take drugs - and, yes I do have some knowledge of this, not in my own family but through a drug treatment centre with which I was closely involved for several years.
My advice would be to just step back, get on with your own life and do not put yourself in the position of receiving abuse from your children which is obviously very upsetting particularly in these difficult times. If you can bear to do it, just cut off all contact with them at least for the time being and concentrate on keeping well.

My daughter tried once to have a big go at me, I am rather laid back, but one time she lost it and started having a go at me, and without raising my voice, I waited for her rant to be over, and calmly said. 'Thank you for your point, however, there are only two people in this world who actually get to dictate to me, they are called my Mum and Dad. They are gone, therefore, no-one speaks to me with such disrespect. However, always happy to have a calm chat when you are ready. "
It took everything I had to stay that calm, as I get the 'ol' Red Mist' come down when I get angry. Sounds to me OP like your kids are angry and scared, like many, and by telling you what to do maybe it feels like they have some control over all of this.
You don't usually get angry at those you don't love, so it sounds like they care, but are just awful at showing you their worry without their stress creeping in.
Try not to drag up the past, it does no good, you all know its there, leave it. Be the Mum. Let them sound off, love them, because while they sound like arseholes atm, they love you. Just calmly tell them that you simply cannot have a conversation with themthat hurts you like this, but you will always be there for them when they want to talk calmly.
Sending you a huge hug, sounds like you need one! xx

321, so sorry that your children are behaving like this. Don't take any notice, and as others say DO NOT let them know what you are doing!! They will never know unless you tell them. Perhaps in the first place they had your interests at heart, but obviously it has now escalated to the point of nastiness.

I’m on lockdown with my mother! I love her to bits and have two brothers each a couple of miles away! One visits and we sit in our cars and chat, no harm in that! The other has tried to dictate to my mother, he was angry when she drove out to see him and spoke from the car! Moms 87 and I’m nearly 60. Heaven forbid if anyone tells me when I’m 87 (if I reach that age) what I can or can’t do! I can advise my mother but I can’t stop her from doing things if she is adamant and wants to do so, I wouldn’t dream of it. It seems as we get older the younger generation begin to think age makes you incapable? Adult children should be reminded who fed them, nursed them, clothed them and cared for them, you were capable then and you certainly are today! Don’t tell your adult children what you are doing, you’re entitled to be hurt when they spoke in a manner unbefitting and there was no harm in pointing out that they have been less than adult in their decision making in the past. Don’t write a letter, it might only add fuel to the fire, step back and let them make amends to you, it might take some time but they will realise they still need their mothers wisdom, advice and love. Keep strong, keep safe sending you hugs and best wishes.

No, your adult children should be capable of letting you hold and follow your own opinion. It sounds to me as if you are behaving responsibly about the virus.

However, it was perhaps ill-advised of you to remind your son of his drug abuse and the hurt it caused you.

Would it not be possible to apologise for that? We can all let our tongues get away with us at times, and it honestly is not worth risking estrangement from our children.

Apologising for that, and only for that would be my advice.

If they start off about your going out to the chemist again, either ignore the remark, or if you have to answer say kindly, "Let's agree to differ on that point, shall we?"

I agree with the above advice, keep your distance and calm yourself. Carry on walking the dog it is good for your wellbeing. You do not have to report back to your sons, it is your business what you do.
My grown up children were/are no saints but they have never disrespected me in the form of cursing me, and I would be really wounded if they did. It is disrespectful, no other words for it.
Do look after yourself and I hope you feel better soon

Your children sound extremely selfish and thoughtless. You are fine to go for a walk, collect medicines , enjoy the life you have within the boundaries we are currently given.
If my daughter ever spoke to me in that manner, we would definitely fall out big time.
You have done your best to support them over the years. They are adults , not children anymore and should respect you for the help you have given. You have every right to express your angst over the drug abuse.
Do not allow them to use emotional blackmail. You know how to stay safe, you got out of a bad relationship so that speaks realms.
Do what YOU want to do, read, bake, exercise, listen to music, relax. As for the mail, just redirect it without a comment. In fact, don’t tell them anything and enjoy your time with your husband. He deserves you, they don’t. One life, live it!!!

Sorry your children are bullying you. You are not in the shielding grup so you are free to do the things you are doing. I am not sure how they know so much about you as they live 200 miles away.

a lot of my elderly friends have children who are always trying to limit what they do. For example one runs a business and her children think she should give it up yet its her whole enjoyment and her husband , their father, who died bought it for her as her pension in retirement so it goes on.

You have been given a lot of good advice on this thread. Hope you fine a happy solution and get on with your life and howyou wish to elad it. All the best.

Now is a very strange and scary time for everyone and I would like to think your adult children were cross because they were worried about you and the situation.
You are following government guidelines and only going out for exercise and shopping so they are in the wrong and had no call to speak to you like that, although perhaps it wasn't wise to bring up the drug abuse it's done now.

To keep in contact with your grandchildren, I would carry on as usual and maintain contact with the adults even if you don't receive a reply, no explanations, no excuses just contact them as usual, then it is all down to them.

You cannot change what happened when they were children, they are now adults and need to get past it if they want to move on.

They should be supporting you but you always have Gransnet.

You thought his drug misuse was * which I thought was bloody irresponsible, stupid and idiotic*. It was a mental health addiction. It speaks volumes that this is how you view that time.

I suspect you’re children are behaving towards you (rudely and full of judgment) as you have done to them in the paat

I'm in my 60's with grandchildren of my own but I do 'boss' my mother around sometimes. She frequently asks me when she became the child and I became the parent but laughs as she says it. Mainly it is because she thinks she is able to do more than she can and tries to be independent.
HOWEVER- this is only when she wants to do more than she and I know she is capable of. I would not expect her to rely on help if it is something I can do or help her with.
In the current situation I do not like her going out and so insist on doing her shopping but this is because I care about her. My brother on the other hand would just let her get on with it. If she goes out I would not call her an idiot or anything similar but remind her that it is to keep us all safe.

This is all the fault of our degenerating society - one that somehow pushes people into drug addiction (lack of mental health support, feelings of entitlement, and organised criminals supplying drugs). The drug addiction of some years ago should not have been brought up, and the rudeness of the children should not have happened - this may be a sign of the relationship between you. As far as your lockdown position is concerned, you can go out to walk the dog and collect medication and essential food and if you're keeping within half a mile of your home I don't see a problem - but your 70 year old OH is in a vulnerable age group and it doesn't matter how fit he is, his mortality should he contract Cvid19 is 70% - it's directly related to age so you have to ask yourself whether you're prepared to take the risk for him and yourself (i.e. he only has a 30% chance of survival if he gets it), and if you're prepared to take the risk for other people. I know what you mean about delivery slots, I am still unable to get one after all these weeks because whilst both being 70+ we've never had one previously. But there are lots of volunteer groups as your children say. And if you're stuck to find one, your GP's surgery will be able to tell you what's available.

Don't tell them what you're doing. Lie if you want to/have to. You are following the rules, carry on.
It's annoying that over 70s have been told something different from the rest of the population and it makes some people think we are having to stay in so we won't pass on the virus. The truth is we are staying in because if we catch the virus we are more likely to die with it. There is a big distinction and some people don't get it.
Your children are unfortunately rather unkind and should be supporting you not criticising you.

Hi, Id let phone go onto answer phone.
Step back, they're 200 miles away, they can't come banging on your door.
I'd definitely do my own thing, lockdown is bad enough without your so called adult kids making it worse.
Tricia

Why oh why give your children a commentary on your daily life.? They are, as you say 200 miles away so ignore them and their 'holier than thou' attitude as I cannot see them arriving to do a day to day spot check on what you should and should not be doing.

Please stand your ground & don't grovel to your children. You sound eminently sensible. You are not responsible for their reaction & quite frankly they sound a little bullying & manipulative. I can well understand your trauma & concern over their past lifestyle choices & as a mother being in the situation to support them with seemingly no acknowledgement. That is fairly common but nevertheless hurtful & you were justified in bringing it up because it obviously matters to you & needs at some point to be discussed. Actions have consequences & part of rehabilitation is acknowledging that & the impact behaviour has on others before moving on to a better place. The fact that was turned against you suggests they are too fragile & guilty to deal with the truth so let it go for now. As Shakespeare observed "...sharper than a serpent's tooth it is, to have an ungrateful child." Stand your ground, keep your identity, enjoy your vigour & your daily walks, don't allow your self to be categorised. There will be better times ahead, you will be enjoying friends again and in all likelihood your children will come back to you. You will have to ignore them for now, curiosity will get the better of them! Hope you find peace.

Someone has posted that you owe your son an apology!!! You most certainly do not. What nampy pampy nonsense. Your son owes you an apology. Don’t be cowed by such ungrateful, rude AC. Live your life and don’t run everything by them.

Absolutely unacceptable for anyone's children to speak to their parents way even if they are worried for your safety. Make it perfectly clear you will not tolerate disrespect, and then let them sulk.
Your mental wellbeing is also of uppermost importance.
I don't actually think you overstepped the line re drug misuse after all it caused YOU great distress, inconvenience and probably financial cost.
I have experienced very similar to you, and now after years of worrying and abuse I distance myself. We deserve peace. Inbox me anytime if you need an understanding ear x

Best if you just do what you want to do and totally don't tell them. I learned this early on in the lockdown when I started getting orders from DS1. Just agree with what they say and please yourself what you do. Take great care with social distancing and washing after leaving the house, for shopping dog walking exercise etc. That's what we do. Everyone is tense about the virus and tempers are running high. Many are not logical anymore and it's all coming out as anger at others. Hopefully people will slowly get back to normal in the next few months but I think some relationships will have suffered along the way.

How Sad for you, do not let them blame You for their mistakes we raise our children to be nice, kind, good morals etc but whichever path they take is their doing. GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE, SHut them out for a while do not answer texts, calls etc
Then when you feel ready speak to them about their lack of respect for you, tell them you will not put up with it and if they carry on you will write them from your will.... Take Care you are doing everything you should be .. x

I agree with Starblaze. People can seem a bit bossy if they are worried and think that you are not protecting yourself as much as you could.
Vulnerable people get priority for online orders although the system does not work as well as it should but that doesn't mean that no one else can order online particularly those of us who aren't vulnerable but may have difficulties shopping. Your husband is in a vulnerable group and delivery spots are opening up a bit more now particularly if you try several supermarkets regularly.
Unless you are in an area where deliveries are particularly bad, I think you could ease up and try to work with your children and understand their concerns. Slots 2 weeks apart isn't too bad.
If you enjoy going out to collect your shopping, then that is your choice and you have the right to make it but it is an additional risk.
It is very difficult to get over addiction and bringing it up as a defence in anger was unfortunate and I don't think that expecting an apology is unreasonable of your son.

Lovey my heart goes out to you !.... It’s so hurtful what some Adult Children say to us after we cared ,loved them ‘tended them ,protected them ... they all have such short memories ....... Lovey don’t just take it as it is please don’t , they have no right to talk to you like that , that is not respect at all ... Please put it out of your head let them Crack on and YOU please get on with your life !... you are worth more ... please don’t let them hurt you no more ... if I can learn at 67 to just get on and please myself then I’m sure you can to... There are loads of us out there your not alone ... ?

321123rjc - Sad to read your post. One of my sons told me off for taking a short walk 'outside' but I just had to see some different scenery and I kept safe. Now that I have done it I wont be doing it again. I had a long chat with my specialist nurse yesterday and she put things back into perspective. Im sure your children are worried for you and it has come across as quite aggressive. I would let the dust settle and not tell them so much detail in the future. I do hope things get better for you.

What you are doing seems within the recommendations. I too have been informed of all the volunteer agencies willing to do thus tgey and the other. I ho for DH medication, click and collect shopping and we both go for a daily walk. Each time I wash my hands on returning home. Your family seem to be over reacting so just keep them in the dark as to what you are doing. As to the mail, mark Not Known at this address and pop on a post box! From my experience out walking, in a store, even collecting shopping it's young folk who are doing all the non distancing, just can't wait until there is a 2 mtr gap. Don't give your family a second thought, they are being selfish and unreasonable.