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Can't do right for doing wrong

(157 Posts)
3211123rjc Mon 04-May-20 15:24:07

We have tried our very best to remain locked in, order as much as we can online, even though delivery slots are nearly 2 weeks apart, and needs to be left for essential workers. Do Click and Collect, haven't seen friends since the beginning of all of this.

However this is not enough for my children(39&44), I have been called irresponsible, and idiot and get this, F**king stupid to go out to collect medicines/walk the dog within a mile of home and part of our daily exercise. Apparently all of this can be done by local community help, or volunteers, which are busy dealing with people who have greater needs than us, we are both healthy (fingers crossed) aged 66 and 73 and not in a vulnerable group. But somehow we are both stupid and its our age group that helps to spread this virus around.

I responded to that the information as above to them both, who by the way both live over 200 mls away, and reminded one of them that their past behaviour of the drug misuse nearly killed them to which I thought was bloody irresponsible, stupid and idiotic, in fact it broke my heart, watching them in hospital after having a heart attack after using too much cocaine, and even once rang me in the middle of a bender saying he wanted to end it all, and still does break my heart thinking of how they were. I have been told that to bring that up after 9 years was not the same, and I should let go, and maybe they are right, I never told them at the time, in my experience people going through that wouldn't have heard me anyway.

So now I have been sent to Coventry for that and the other has played the "do it for the grandchildren" card and wont talk to me either.

Am I wrong to ask for a bit of respect, even if they don't agree with me, and I know their concern is for the right reasons, but why should I be spoken to like that. I told one that I couldn't be held responsible for the entire group of over 70's in the country, which they didn't like.

One of them has mail delivered here and I just sent a message asking what to do with it, a curt reply came back and when I said "please?" I have received a message back saying if I didn't apologise for the serious line I crossed then they had nothing to say, but by doing all the drug misuse and further actions after, losing job, moving back in with us, helping with living cost etc,hurt, but apparently MY actions really damaged our relationship, no acknowledgement of the hurt that was caused, and never has been. So there you have it , Cant do right for doing wrong, but just now I'm in tears, they are so cruel. So once again I will not speak to them for a while, I'm too angry, hurt, and quite frankly amazed at the level of anger displayed towards me, apparently I'm lucky that they still tolerate me, and I'm told the reason the drug episode still affects me is quilt, guilt because both of them are emotional wreaks?? a lot due to the terrible time getting away from their father, and me thinking I was getting them to a better place, OMG, wrong again sad

And all of this started because I wouldn't do as I was being told (told, not asked) to do over this Coronavirus lockdown.

Are there any kind words from anyone please, I turn to this group as I have no family other than my children and of course my husband, who is not their father and not as emotionally involved, so its a lonely place sometimes.

SueDonim Mon 04-May-20 15:56:13

I’m so sorry about this awful situation. It’s very sad. flowers

I don’t have any experience of how to deal with the overall problem but one thing strikes me - why are you telling your children where you are going and what you’re doing? It’s none of their business.

yorkie20 Mon 04-May-20 16:02:05

Do what YOU think is right. Adult children should not be dictating to their parents what they should or should'nt be doing.
You are not answerable to how you decide to behave.

Blinko Mon 04-May-20 16:08:43

How do they know what you're doing? If it was me, I wouldn't be telling them.

AGAA4 Mon 04-May-20 16:12:22

32111. "A mother's place is in the wrong!" I think many mothers have found this to be true at one time or another.

As long as you are following the rules then nobody has any right to tell you what to do.

Many people are finding this time difficult and over reacting to situations. Your children may be concerned about you but it sounds as though they are being unreasonable.

I am so sorry you are upset.

Hemingway Mon 04-May-20 16:15:40

O I am sorry to read this rjc, you have middle aged children bullying you !
go walk the
dog through the bluebell woods.
Tough love called for. Good luck, stay safe, Sue and yorkie quite right of course.

agnurse Mon 04-May-20 16:18:49

While I don't agree with the way your children have behaved, I do think that bringing up the substance use was crossing a line.

Substance use disorders are complex and are due to a variety of factors, both personal and environmental. It's not entirely a "mind over matter" and willpower issue. I can't say I'm surprised that your child has got the knock with you for bringing it up, especially after such a long period of time.

GrauntyHelen Mon 04-May-20 16:22:58

you seem to have missed the point that they are concerned about you You are in the wrong for bringing up the past It would seem you are following the rules but the one of you who is over 70 IS in vunerabe group

rafichagran Mon 04-May-20 16:39:03

Your middle aged adult children are disrespectful. I would never let my two speak to me like that nor would they.

I dont think the OP did cross the line, one of her adult children called her a Fucking Idiot they were being reminded that they did far worse. Seems these people can dish it out but not take it.

I dont care how complicated this is, as one poster mentioned above. The adult children also crossed a line.

CleoPanda Mon 04-May-20 16:40:29

I really feel your pain! They clearly both have anger over their past experiences and are still acting like children, trying to put the blame on you and not accepting that they got themselves into bother and you tried to help them. Their lack of acknowledgement of the help and support you gave must be a bitter pill. Also, their concern doesn’t come across as being for you but more for their own ideas as to what you should be doing. I certainly don’t agree that either of you should be shielding. Essential shopping trips and daily exercise along with social distancing and good hygiene is what should be happening. As others have suggested, I’d simply not tell them what you were doing. If asked outright, try fudging a little. They are trying to control you from 200 miles away! You seem to be handling lockdown in a very sensible way. You really don’t need to do more.

Sunlover Mon 04-May-20 16:43:11

I wouldn’t tell them what I was doing. You know that you are acting sensibly so I’d just keep quiet.

Toadinthehole Mon 04-May-20 16:54:03

I always think people get angry when they know they’re in the wrong. It sounds like you brought up the drug problem after being battered down, as a form of defence. No one could blame you for that, you’re only human. They’re old enough to dish it out, so they can take it as well. I would think about the times when they were young, ( hope these were good), and enjoy those memories. Don’t dwell on how things are now. What you do has nothing to do with them. It sounds like you’re doing everything as you should. Enjoy your time with your husband, and leave your well grown up kids to their own devices. If and when they can be civil....and we return to normal, perhaps you can sort it out then.

Ilovecheese Mon 04-May-20 16:55:41

Another one here who wouldn't tell them what I was doing.

Septimia Mon 04-May-20 18:14:18

I've heard of other adult children telling their parents what to do, to stay home and not go shopping etc. Others are much more laid back and let their parents decide.

Perhaps some of them are just scared of being left without parental support and of having to deal with the repercussions.

I'm sorry that you feel bullied and that the relationship has turned so unpleasant.

Lucca Mon 04-May-20 19:03:17

70 is not shielded. They are entitled to exercise and shopping.

3211123rjc Mon 04-May-20 19:05:54

Thank you all for your kind words and sensible advise, to all of you who suggested I not say what I'm doing, you are so right, lesson learnt, but never been good at fudging, but if they ever decide to speak to me again, I will, and big style.
I'll get around to making peace, but not just now, need to calm down, and as I'll be doing it in writing, have to be careful what I say, the written word is just that, no tone, no expression. I agree I may have crossed a line, but so have they, I'm aware that substance abuse it complex, I lived with an alcoholic for 19 years and became an enabler of that abuse, and having worked for the police for 25 years at the front counter of a police station, I have a lot of experience about the subject, however when in it, difficult to see wood from trees. However knowledge is only part of it, living it and dealing with it are the others, and knowledge does not stop the hurt, just helps a bit to get you through it. So whilst I dealt with the mechanics of the drugs misuse, it still hurt and maybe no matter how complex the issues were, its hard to get over the personal feelings.
But, all the kind words and encouragement help a lot, thanks again to you all, you are kind people, and the empathy is felt.

silverlining48 Mon 04-May-20 19:32:06

You are not alone, we also get the first degree about what we have done, and what to do and not to do. It sometimes feels like they treat us as children.
We are staying in apart from a daily walk but needed to go to the chemist who are not delivering and got cross examined. Then when our food was delivered apparently we should have bleached it all, then stripped off and had a shower....It does cause us stress but they are not abusive. Presumably they are worried about you.
As for getting help my adult children gave me a council phone no. to ring for help with shopping, chemist etc and when I rang I was told they can’t help with anything unless we had The Letter.
I am sorry you are upset. I hope things resolve.

3211123rjc Mon 04-May-20 22:19:13

Thanks Silverlining, In a weird way its almost comforting that someone else knows how it feels to be told what to do by your children, children in an adults body. Mine just turned on me when I pointed out these things, "The letter" being the main one, which somehow was our fault we didn't have one. I have to say that is when I lost it and said what I said. So easy isn't it, in the blink of an eye, concern turns to something else. Here's hoping that our generation, will stop being blamed for everything that has or is happening.

geekesse Mon 04-May-20 23:07:48

The one and only time my eldest son tried to ‘tell me off’, I reminded him that I am the parent and he is my child, not the other way around. What I choose to do, and how I choose to do it, is not for him to decide. We still have a lovely relationship, but he and his siblings got the message.

He took issue with my daughter and I having a somewhat boozy night on the town in London. I missed the last train home so stayed over in her flat, and my phone battery ran out of juice, so I didn’t answer when he tried to ring. I didn’t call him back until the next day when I had got home, recharged the phone, and taken a double dose of Alka Seltzer. He said I was irresponsible. I told him very firmly that he should never take that tone with me again. He hasn’t.

Try it. They might be adults, but we are their parents, and they are way out of order if they try to order us around.

Eloethan Tue 05-May-20 00:27:38

32111 For the poster who said they were only showing concern for their parents, I disagree. It appears some adult children relish the opportunity of telling their parents what they can and cannot do.

If you are generally fit and healthy, I really don't see why being over 70 is an issue. Of course, it has been shown that the older generation is more at risk from this virus but that may well be because many older people have chronic conditions, such as diabetes 2, arthritis, high cholesterol, heart problems, etc, etc.

People are permitted to take exercise and to go shopping, provided they stick to the distance rules. In fact, I think it is important for their physical and mental health to get out of the house. There are several people on Gransnet who have been completely self isolating and some of them now say they will be afraid to go out, even if the situation has improved.

I think your children are rude, bullying and disrespectful. Perhaps it was unwise to bring up the substance abuse but, having been called fucking idiots, it's not surprising you retaliated.

I should just leave them to it for a while. You and your husband are not children and are quite capable of making your own decisions.

geekesse I think the incident you describe is different from that of the OP. If you son was worried because you hadn't returned home and he was unable to contact you, then I think that was inconsiderate of you. But possibly I have misunderstood.

jeanie99 Tue 05-May-20 02:35:12

Oh dear,
I guess I would go along with the governments recommendations, do as you are already doing. Go out for the daily walk, try and get click and collect food or deliveries when you can.
I can imagine you are thinking about what was said and this is making you depressed and miserable, you may not be sleeping also with the worry.
I'd get myself into a routine asap, keep busy, ring friends, try cooking new recipes, listen to your favourite music. Mainly try to stop going over and over what was said.
I'd send post cards and letters to the grandchildren to let them know you are thinking of them and love them.
Life at this time is very challenging for so many people, your children may have problems you know nothing about but I do think they have been especially rude and disrespectful to you.

mumofmadboys Tue 05-May-20 08:11:34

I think you should apologise for bringing up their drug using past. It would have been better to have left that in the past. I don't blame you though as you have obviously been through a lot with them. However it is good to acknowledge our faults and apologise for them. It is also setting a good example showing you are capable of seeing your own faults and saying sorry for them. I agree with others that there is no need to tell them the details of what you do.I would do what I could to fix the relationship as soon as possible and not let things fester. Hope things improve.

alig99 Tue 05-May-20 09:42:04

I don’t see why you should apologise for anything. You children sound vile and bullying, whilst you sound lovely. Leave contacting them, I’m sure when they don’t hear from you they will be calling. Enjoy the peace and calm with your husband. What you say your routine is sounds perfectly acceptable and within guidelines and if you are happy with it that’s fine.

timetogo2016 Tue 05-May-20 09:48:26

yorkie20 is spot on.
My children who are in their mid 30`s wouldn`t dream of speaking to me in that manner , if anything they offer support at all times.

anabanana Tue 05-May-20 09:50:39

I agree with all Jeanie99's comments and suggestions.
Be calm, bake cakes and don't contact them. It's your life! Enjoy.