Can't do right for doing wrong

You have done nothing wrong and are following guidelines. I am 66 and in a position where I go out shopping once a week, when I also shop for two elderly (in their 90's) relatives and deliver the shopping to them. We live in a small market town and I shop there. I wear a mask and gloves and disinfect the trolley. My husband is shielded so perhaps I could be criticised for going out, I do it because I have no choice, no her family near enough, or even willing to help. Your children should be supportive and understanding, they have no right to be so disrespectful towards you, as the saying goes, you can chose your friends but not your family. Stay safe and get on with your life.

Just a thought. If they are so far away why is their mail still coming to your house? I would put it all in one big envelope and post it to them, without a stamp! Then say you decided it would be too unsafe to go to the post office to get it weighed and, in order to stay safe, all future post will be sent to him the same way, or will go in the bin. No one should ever accept being sworn at!

I'd be exactly the same if my adult child spoke to me that way.

I wonder if they do that to people at other times when they're 'worried'.

I'm guessing not.

My basic answer when any of my lot get on thier high horse is to point and say "Door's over there. Don't let it hit you on the way out"
Nice

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to like them. They are bullying you and using your love to get to you. I have had similar with my own lot and believe me, it will not get better if you give in to them.

My basic answer when any of my lot get on thier high horse is to point and say "Door's over there. Don't let it hit you on the way out".

As a Widow who brought up 4 kids single handed whilst working full time, I deserve some respect and if I don't get it, I bite.

Try it.

Grant1 so sorry to hear about your Mum

There seems to be a lack of respect on both sides here 3211123rjc. Neither party should be telling the other what they can or can't do. You are all adults and can make your own decisions. If you don't agree then you can surely discuss it without resorting to swearing and anger. I certainly don't agree with some decisions taken by my adult children but I respect their right to make them. They don't always agree with my decisions either and I get the eye roll and "oh Mother " . Relationships with adult children can be fraught but we do have to let go of the apron strings.

I agree with you too welbeck. I wouldn't be at all surprised if many PhD theses are written about the way this has all affected our fundamental thinking about our priorities, relationships and so much more.

In some ways I see myself as lucky. I had a total breakdown ten years ago. I changed from somebody who thought I was in control of my life to a jelly-like wreck. I've already worked through some of the traumas I can see this crisis has caused.

Very wise words grant1. I relate to what you've written in so many ways that I shall never divulge on GN.

Some people seem to have an idyllic relationship with their children, but dig a bit deeper and one often finds that the parent/child relationship isn't an easy one.

janeainsworth, thank you for that validation.

grant1, i'm sorry for your loss.
i totally agree with your wisdom, borne of your experience.
please everyone, take note. life is short. say what you mean now, to those who mean something to you.

destin, but you were very irresponsible, risking others' safety.

Clearly your adult child is not in a 12 step recovery program. If they were the would not take this attitude with you. By the one, I mean the one who did drugs.

Understandably you have never dealt with your own hurt and pain from it.

I am in longterm recovery. I'm a longterm member of A.A and Al-Anon. Al-Anon is the sister of A.A for those with someone in their lives whose drinking and/or drug use has/is causing or has caused a problem whether they are in recovery or not.

I suggest you have a look at Al-Snon U.K website

Your adult youngster has clearly not dealt with their stuff. I know cos I'm 17 years sober. The words you say they said are not the words of someone who is in longterm emotional recovery

I don't see you as in the wrong. Nor should you be talked to like that

Can I offer another perspective? Were you ever annoyed with your own parents as an adult? Possibly for some unatoned for childhood wrongdoing on their part that kept showing up at the most inopportune times in your adult life? At some point children do feel a responsibility for their adult parents and they do not always do a good job of presenting that sense of responsibility. Sometimes it comes across as bossy, bratty behavior and seems out of place coming from them (after all we raised them not the other way around!). If your children are generally not awful to you and treat you respectfully most of the time, then apologize to them for your ill timed presentation of past regrets (obviously they have not completely moved past it or it would not have bothered them to the extent it did). Have you brought this up at other stressful times or is this the first time it's come up since the events 9(?) years ago? If this is not the first time, then you need to discuss all of it together and move past it resolved or not. Use this as a moment to look at yourself through your children's eyes. Children do blame their parents for things that went wrong in their childhood and some don't see how their own decisions played a part in their sorrows. Sometimes they can't move on until an apology is made for the things they (and maybe you) couldn't control. I am playing devils advocate here and just trying to get you to see things from their point of view - it's hard to do that when you are angry at them (for either past mistakes or current ones). I hope you all come to some agreement on how to get along happier. I wasted too many years with my own mom being angry and/or bossy and didn't realize we could get along better until the last few years. She died last week of Covid. Don't waste a lot of time being angry or right, figure out how to be happy with each other. Nobody's perfect.

Everybody is under terrible strain these days and heated words are often said out of sheer frustration and anger. My daughter and grandsons advised we stay home. I am 77 and my husband 87. My grandson is a medical student and our daughter has worked in NHS for almost 40 years. We respected there views and have been in lockdown since 3/3/20. I do not think such awful bullying tactics helpful and can understand why drug issues were raised in comparison. I’m afraid I would not be prepared to make contact at all. Hopefully it will simmer down and resolve given time. If not then sadly you have to accept and leave your family members behind when disagreements cannot be resolved.

welbeck maybe we can cope better with being outraged, angry, than to face vulnerability, how little control we really have over our lives. and all this plague brings it home, with a bump.
You’re spot on with this observation, I think.
There’s a balance between striving to achieve our goals and acceptance of the limitations which life or fate put in our way.

I'm absolutely heartbroken for you, how can they be so nasty to you, kids can be so unkind, and easily forget all you have done for them over the years. Your doing everything right in regards to the lock down, how dare they suggest otherwise. So sorry they are putting you through this, stay strong for your own sake, sod them. Xx

I can resonate with the phrase ‘a Mother’s place is in the wrong’ I think as children become adults it becomes impossible to please everyone and we get the blame whatever happens.

Certainly know how you feel. I’ve had the same verbal ‘talking down’ from my daughter back in the middle of March .....on the first day I was supposed to be in isolation. We had arrived home the night before from spending some time in the US which was why we had to go into 14 days of home isolation. But instead I went grocery shopping the following morning because the fridge was completely empty, and on the way home ran into the hairdressers to get a quick trim before they closed down! I realize now that I made the stupid mistake of telling her about my busy first day when I talked to her that evening on the phone. She was absolutely furious with me and ranted and raved about my irresponsible behaviour etc. etc. I was completely dumbstruck by her tone and what she was saying - so much so that it rendered me speechless.

It has made me realize that although I love my daughter I really don’t think that I like her that much, because this isn’t the first time she has spoken angrily to me. So ever since that incident in mid March I’ve kept my distance and have certainly not looked for opportunities to call her or get involved with her. I’ve also learned my lesson and do not intend to share with her where I go or what I do (once we are through with this pandemic). My husband is very upset with me .....that I can cut her out of my communication over what he says was an over reaction to a mistake that I made - but I intend to protect my back from ever being on the receiving end of her tongue lashings again because it’s disrespectful. I’ve now accepted that my daughter is bossy and with an over controlling personality, so our relationship going forward will definitely be different.

It sounds crazy. They just want an excuse to tell you off. Your actions don't sound irresponsible at all. They sound very dysfunctional. Why do they blame everything on you? This isn't really about you or what you're doing now. They want to offload their anger on you. Family counselling is required if you want them in your lives. I'm sorry this happened, but the relationship is deeply troubled.

well i think mentioning the drugs crisis was not a loving thing to do. it was below the belt, like hitting a person when they are down. but you lashed out, i suppose. you can say sorry.
they annoyed you, but swearing is quite common among younger people, just used for emphasis, it doesn't always carry the same violent sound as it does for older people.
they are concerned about you, and felt they were not getting through to you. if they didn't care they wouldn't bother urging you to be careful.
draw a line. start again. be the bigger person. apologise and thank them for their concern.
older people are at much greater risk, and it's not all down to underlying health problems. it's something to do with the immune system. and there is nothing we can do about that.
maybe some of us resent having our vulnerabilities pointed out because we are frightened of the implications; we don't like the idea, so we deny its reality.
not just you OP, i mean people generally. i think we may be motivated by deep subconscious emotions that are very uncomfortable, and everything gets all mixed up, and it comes out as hostility esp to family members.
maybe we can cope better with being outraged, angry, than to face vulnerability, how little control we really have over our lives. and all this plague brings it home, with a bump.

I have a troublesome grandson, 18, who only ever contacts me to ask for something, usually money. He lives with his mother who is unfair. He gets paid monthly but he spends it straightaway. I honestly don't know if he actually cares about me or not. He's not on drugs, I see him once a week.

I think a lot of us on Gransnet have family problems but don't like to admit it.

Hi 32111.
Firstly, you sound like a very tolerant, kind, supportive and loving mother.
You are absolutely right to live your life they way you see fit. It’s your life and no one else’s and at this time in your life, your entitled to make your own mind up on how you will live. You have done all you can, from what you have said about how you have tried to protect yourself and others, at this time. I’ve seen some sights over the past few weeks and not involving older people, ridiculous to say older people spread Covid19.
You have also done as much as you can for your adult children, who clearly live their lives as they see fit and blame you for mistakes they have made. They are lucky that they have a mum who is still there for them, especially speaking to you in the way you describe.
The relationships sound complex and I’m not sure who feels the guilt? Sometime anger can be a cove for guilt, maybe they need to sort out their issues rather than trying to hurt and blame you.
Concentrate on enjoying what you can in each day and don’t dwell on their hurtful words.

Ignore the bullying pair do what your doing.

I admit that I follow my daughter’s instructions to the letter regarding going out etc. I keep quiet about anything she may not approve of. She suffers badly with anxiety and I don’t want to add to it. She told me that she wants me to stay inside now so that we can have time together when this is all over. I’m stir crazy but happy to comply!!

Well I disagree with a lot of people on here. My children are also telling us to stay in (within reason) and Im rather touched that they care about us! Of course we go for walks, we have food delivered etc but don't do any elaborate cleaning of the food or ourselves after delivery (should we?)
I think bringing up the drugs was unfortunate - we often say things we regret when we are upset/angry. I would apologise and keep the peace. I cant see the point in further antagonising them when they mean well, even if it came over badly!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Why don't you just suggest a line is drawn now. You won't mention past events and mistakes, they won't either - so now a clean slate.

Let's face it, they are being aggressive and unreasonable because they are worried about you. If they didn't care about you they'd be neutral and laid back about things.

Of course go out and walk the dog. Exercise and fresh air are important. I agree with them about avoiding all shops, though. That's where the virus can be transmitted.

Just ask your local voluntary organisations to shop for you, if necessary. That's what they're there for.